La vie du penseur

Fear of the Unknown

2011-12-05T13:43:00.001-08:00

There are only a handful of people I know that never get jealous, for the most part everyone has a little bit of jealousy in them, why is this? Yes I’m polyamorous and yes I still get jealous on occasion; I’ll admit it, if you refuse to admit it you’ll never be able to understand it. Typically my feelings of jealousy stem from a fear of the unknown. Will a new relationship change the dynamics of an existing relationship with an already established partner? We’d all like to say, “no it won’t we have a specific kind of relationship and not looking for something similar to replace it,” but often how do you know that until it happens? The reality is you don’t, even if you have a relationship contract and a set of perfectly laid out rules, it still doesn’t change a new relationship will change your existing one. We can’t always control our emotions and desires, how we feel when someone does something that makes us smile. I feel knowing that this can and often does happen allows you to be better prepared to deal with it if and when it does.

I’ve recently been going through some of this in my head, primarily because my partner is quite new to poly and while I know she loves me, she’s also figuring out whether poly is right for her. So therein lies my fear of the unknown. In relationships I find that I plan for the worst to protect myself emotional, and while I recognize the worst case would be she would end our relationship, I see that case as irrational given our connection, and approach the worst case as the fear of a change in our relationship. What would that change look like? Since she lives out of town would it affect how often we see one another? Would another individual use her guilt complex against her (something I would never do and that I’m actually helping her get over)? So many things could happen, which of course is the case in any relationship, thinking about it (while bringing up potential feelings of jealousy – via fear of loss) allows me to be better prepared if it does happen – but sometimes I wonder if it’s also a form of self-sabotage.

Now change is not inherently bad, change leads to growth, negotiation and a new understanding of you, your partner and your relationship; it’s the unknown that gets me, that weighs on my mind. I wish I could say it’d be different if the relationship wasn’t so new and she wasn’t new to poly, but I’m not sure that I can. I do know that when she goes on a date and meets someone new I’m happy for her and excited to hear all about it and share that experience with her as her partner, but there will always be that little part of me that wonders…..will this change us?

Buyer Beware

2011-10-03T14:32:00.000-07:00

I've found myself managing dates or potential partner's expectations of me. I don't want them to get attached where they expect something from me that I can't give them; I'm by no means trying to sound conceited, but this has happened more often than I'd like and ultimately leads to disappointment. I'm not 100% sure why or how this happens but some of the more frequent ones have been that I don't have goals that align with society's or I'm lacking a certain emotional aspect their looking for or I don't end up becoming monogamous for them. I try to manage these expectation through honesty but don't always think I'm heard, people tend to hear what they want to hear.

I hate hurting people emotionally and seeing as I know that I'm not going to be in their future plans the best option is to not date, but even in light of the above I know I have things to offer. I know I can help show them something they wouldn't have explored/thought of before. I can do this because I'm honest, which in turn fosters their honesty and trust, and I also don't judge someone for something that they do or have done, so anything is on the table for discussion. Looking across the spectrum of my acquaintances these traits are well....rare, which is why I come off at 'intriguing' or 'interesting.' (If this is not rare for you, count yourself lucky!!)

I'm beginning to think that managing expectations isn't the right way to go, that I should just be honest and let things fall as they may. If someone doesn't hear what I'm saying then maybe they deserve the anguish that may occur. My only hesitation is that most people wouldn't understand or learn the lesson, rather detest me for misleading them; which is contrary to my goal of "leaving someone better off than before I met them.' And therein lies the conundrum.

Women

2011-04-29T11:09:00.000-07:00

There's something so beautiful about women; the feel of their skin.....the way their hair falls over their face, their neck, their shoulders......how one piece of their outfit can enhance their beauty 10-fold. Many times it's not even in a sexual context, there's not much I enjoy more than snuggling with a woman running my fingers down her spine, across her stomach, over the tops of her breasts, up the nape of her neck. For many this is very sexual and in a way it is for me as well, but in a very different fashion; I don't expect or want it to lead to anything other than what it is....intimacy between two individuals. I think this is one of the reasons I'm poly, it's not all about sex, rather the intimacy between two people that can be so much more than sex; something that can enhance a friendship beyond what is accustomed by society. The touch, the caress, the intimacy....something I will always crave, desire, and love.

Taboo Vancouver

2011-01-14T16:02:00.000-08:00

Yes, yes it's been a long time since I've blogged, I spent the majority of the holidays in Central America, but now I'm back! Luckily for me this weekend is the Taboo Sex Show in Vancouver, which is always a lot of fun but given my recent foray into kink I see the show quite differently than I have in the past and I know a lot more people in attendance, making it even more entertaining. I attended last night and had a great impromptu bondage scene with porn star, Missy Gold, from Clips4Sale.com. How did that happen you might ask...if you're interested read on.

The site had a booth right near the show's entrance and they were looking for female volunteers, who they proceeded to restrain to a couch and get them off with a hitachi, or at least get them very, very close. Most people aren't used to orgasming in front of an audience, so their hesitation was understandable. After wandering the show for a while we headed back to the booth with a couple of girls with the intent to get them up on stage; once they saw that we were being serious stage fright quickly caught hold. As we were doing our best convincing job another porn stars, Ashley Fires, invited me into their booth. She asked me if I enjoyed being tied up, ballbusting, CBT....all of which I said I knew about and had seen but none of it really did anything for me. She finally got around to asking if I liked tying up women, 'of course, I enjoy that.' 'Oh so you're a rigger and kinky? Well Missy loves getting tied up and loves forced orgasms, would you be interested in tying her up?' Taking a look at her, that was an easy answer.

Their rope was horrible, I don't even know what type it was but rope is rope and I was willing to deal with it. A short introduction to Missy and some quick negotiation led to a very obedient bottom who had her arms behind her back before I could ask. A quick chest harness and I led her to the stage and on to the couch. Bola bola around her left ankle, pulled tight to her chest attached to the harness. The rest of the rope when over the back of the couch, around the post and to her right ankle spreading her legs wide open. Ashley handed me the hitatchi and I went to work, getting Missy worked up before using it to tickle her left foot.....nothing like a little tickling fetish thrown in.....some profanities later I went back to work, with the intention to let her cum. After a few minutes with Ashley pulling her hair and nipple and the hitatchi in just the right spot, her body made those convulsions that only one thing can make.....orgasm.

Needless to say it was an entertaining first night at Taboo, we'll see what happens tonight; Ashley asked me to come back and tie her up next; apparently she liked something I did. A friend of mine captured the moment on film....enjoy!

Kinky Ethics

2010-12-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I attended a seminar on accounting ethics, now before you close your browser in terror at the thought of me actually discussing accounting ethics, never fear; I have none such intention. The seminar did, however get me thinking of how BDSM/poly ethics are applicable in the vanilla world, because ethics are ethics, no matter what you're doing.

One of the most important BDSM actions, or inactions as the case may be, is the lack of physical contact until you know someone well. How many times have you been to a club or a bar and been groped by someone you don't know while you're dancing? Standing at the bar? Walking to the bathroom? It's happened to me at least a dozen times, I can only imagine how many times its happened to the ladies out there. The complete opposite is true at a BDSM party, no one you don't know will grope you and people you do know will ask before they touch you in any fashion; you'd think this would be common sense, but apparently not.

Then there's negotiation, which occurs before most BDSM and poly relationships begin. Guidelines, ground rules, and limits need to be established before anything progresses, I agree it can take some of the suspense out of a relationship but wouldn't you rather know if a partner was allergic to latex or had an STI before you began a night of needles or oral sex? I would, so what if it's a little TMI before things get serious; you'll thank yourself for it later. Or how about whether or not you want to know if your partner slept with someone, who that someone was and what they did together? There's no such thing as a mind reader (at least as far as I know), so if you don't know this stuff up front, one of you is going to end up disappointed. I know I've had women I've dated tell me I'm too honest and it's tough for them to handle, but I'm glad I know that now instead of 5 years down the road, saves us both some time and disappointment!

BDSM and poly have made me more ethical than I was before I entered their respective communities; however the irony is that my lifestyle may be seen as detrimental and unethical to the vanilla accounting community I'm a member of. I know I would be prepared to give up said membership if it came down to a choice between my lifestyle or the membership, even though it took me 4 years to get. I'm not being dramatic either, the seminar instructor told a story about how he knew of a member who also owned a strip club, which was deemed detrimental to the membership (yes I know, it sounds like a cult); typically I would've argued til the cows came home, but at this point I had been in the seminar for 7 hours and just wanted to get home, besides I don't think anyone in the room would've agreed with me that the ownership of a strip club was NOT detrimental; sometimes the world just frustrates me. Needless to say, if I continue to be as open as I am about who I am there will be someone who will think it's detrimental to the membership and since I'm not planning on changing who I am....well.....a battle there will be, because one thing I won't do, is go down without proving a point a second time.

Jealousy, Monogamy, and Power

2010-11-25T19:57:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I've made a post, I do have things I want to write about; I've been working on something to do with ethics and the role they play in poly and bdsm relationships, but have not had the time to get it down yet, I hope that I will do so soon. In the meantime I would like to share an essay on jealousy, monogamy, and power by Pepper. I came across this a few months ago but have only recently had the chance to read it. I do understand that it is quite long and appears to be technical, however it is a fantastic read that discusses how jealousy relates to monogamy and how it can negatively impact both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I hope you enjoy it, I did.

Needles and Staples

2010-11-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

Saturday night I had my first introduction to sharp, pointy implements, namely needles and staples, neither of which I had ever seen firsthand. A number of my Emerald City friends very much enjoy poking people with sharp objects, typically eliciting an endorphin rush for both parties. I thought I knew what to expect from the numerous FetLife pictures I'd seen, but as I watched Lorelai weave needles in and out of people's skin, I questioned how I may react to the sensation.

As I've said before, I typically only bottom to feel the sensation, as I don't receive a buzz or a high from play and this I feel ethically responsible to do before I'm willing to play with someone the same fashion, but as I watched needles of varying gauges being woven into skin and out of skin I wondered if the sensation would be all I would receive this time. Needles seemed to garner a slightly more intense reaction than other types of play I'd experimented with and while my stomach wasn't doing flip flops; I was curious as to how I'd react. I figured a little self discovery would be a good way to start....so grabbing the stapler I punched a staple into my left forearm. A slight prick to be sure, but nothing more intense than a tattoo needle with a little bit of blood. When Lorelai was finished with her willing demo bottom, I told her to poke away.

As she readied my arm with alcohol, donned a fresh pair of latex gloves and massaged the soon to be pricked location, she checked in and instructed me to take a deep breath in and out and repeat. I didn't watch, but I could feel the needle getting closer to my arm with each exhale. As I relaxed she pounced....a slight prick was all I felt, the sensation was interesting and it took longer to feel the exiting prick than I would've expected, but once it was done, it was done. Nothing ground breaking, no endorphin rush, no blissed out feeling. Just a sensation that came and went. She ended up making a 3 needle button on my upper left arm, while Buffy stapled my right arm 6 or 7 times. You can feel the needles in your arm, as a button consists of needles deeper in the tissue underneath the previous needle in a circular pattern, but it was more pressure than anything and by no means painful. At one point Matisse, feigned applying pressure to the raised skin in the middle of the button, to which I said, "Be my guest." And she did. I later asked her how much pressure she applied and apparently she leaned into it pretty good, but again nothing. The blank expression on my face as she released the pressure, I think almost confused her as she walked away fanning her face....sadists enjoy pain resistant bottoms and that is apparently I.

To see if I could evoke a different sensation I spent some time slapping both the staples and the button, but all I could muster was some blood. After about half an hour or so, Lorelai removed the needles and Buffy the staples (I love that the body staple remover is very similar to a paper-based staple remover, gave me a good chuckle). As she was removing the needles, Lorelai asked if she could twist it during removal; consent was granted.....Now imagine if you will a needle threading through the skin of your arm and instead of being pulled straight out, said needle was bent upwards, twisted and dug into your tissue over the 15 seconds or so. Is that picture in your head? Good, that's what happened as my final needle was removed to the point where it had an acute angle at its mid-point. But again only a slight prick and blood.

Now I'm not trying to boast or make claims that I'm a heavy bottom, I just found it curious that all I encountered was a slight sensation when the prick actually occurred, which was very contrary to the woman to my left who when stuck with a single needle stared into Buffy's eyes and cooed in a soft tone, "Your eyes are shiny." Now that's a blissed out reaction to needle play.

Of course needle play wasn't the only thing that occurred during the post-HUMP party, there was of course bondage, flogging, single tails, and a lot of public sex, very different from your typical kink party and came primarily from the Burner population there. How long did it go on for one might ask....let's just say I'm glad that Saturday was the night we turned the clocks back this year.

Sir C Workshop

2010-11-06T20:29:00.000-07:00

Just finished attending 2 workshops by Sir C, who is in Seattle from New York doing weekend workshops at the CSPC. If you're in Seattle tomorrow there's one more tomorrow called Basic Hojojutsu, he's a fantastic teacher and you should do your best to attend, and the best thing is, you don't have to be a CSPC member to attend. The second workshop was Sir C "Upping the Ante" and spent 2 hours demoing how to be mean, giving me many fantastic ideas, many of which had their "ante upped" due to all the kinky locals in attendance, they are a devious bunch, which is why I love making trips down here on a regular basis. One of the more interesting things I learned was that squirting water into someone's ear induces vomiting, something that wasn't demoed today, for obvious reasons, but would be very interesting to try at some point in the future. It's a medical technique to test brain dead to see if someone's alive or not. I also found out some very interesting ways to use pop rocks in conjunction with saran wrap and given that I know someone that loves to be saran wrapped, I'm excited to test it out in the near future. I came away with a lot more sadistic ideas (you can never have enough!) that I hope to employ soon and share with the blogging world, but I must run off to a Hump play party with some very kinky people here in town. I'm looking very forward to it as it'll be my first official Seattle private play party and I've convinced someone (it wasn't hard) to show me needle play, not on me necessarily but I've never seen it live (I have no idea why) and am looking forward to it.

Alexa Di Carlo Links

2010-10-25T17:13:00.001-07:00

As a follow-up to what I said in my last post, here are some links to discussions, blogs and such surrounding the Alexa DiCarlo situation in case you're interested in reading about how a man (allegedly) ended up tricking people due to the anonymity allowed by technology. Regardless of whether or not these allegations are true, the 'real' Alexa Di Carlo was able to hide she/her/it real identity because she would never reveal herself in public.
Sexademic - Why the Alexa Di Carlo thing matters
Carlie Glickman - The Downfall of Alexa Di Carlo
Expose a Bro

Technology, Privacy, and Polyamory

2010-10-25T15:07:00.000-07:00

At a talk by Christopher Ryan, author of Sex At Dawn, at the CSPC last night a question was asked regarding whether or not technology (Facebook was used as the example) could lead to a return to less private lives that we once led as hunter gatherers. If you haven't read the book.....quick, drop everything run to the store and buy it.....kidding, sort of....one of the ideas centers around how hunter gatherers operated in groups to survive. Each of these 100 or so member groups shared everything and for the most part interacted very minimally with individuals outside of their group and when I say they shared everything, I mean everything ....from child rearing, hunting, cooking, gathering, partners, etc. As a result, the amount of privacy each individual had was minimal at best and with everyone knowing everyone there were really no issues with people sleeping with other members of the group. Of course the book delves into much more detail than I am here, but a little background is necessary to understand the question at hand.

Ryan said that he hadn't considered the impact of technology on privacy and how that might relate to non-monogamy becoming more accepted or as a return to our evolutionary roots but he did mention anonymity, which got me thinking. While it's true technology can reduce the amount of privacy we have, it can also increase the level of anonymity as the individual behind the online persona has discretion as to the information released. I would think that this potential would serve to increase the level of privacy. Think about it.....if you believe someone is lying about who they are, would that not reduce the amount of information you would allow them to see? For most people I would think that it would. Without getting side tracked too much, think about how the Alexa DiCarlo's fake online persona is going to affect people looking for online sex advice (if you're not familiar with HIM, she/him/it was the author of the Real Princess Diaries; now suspended. Here's Mistress Matisse's take in her Control Tower column from January, another one from Carnal Nation and a third from the Sexademic). Now think about yourself...given the above information about an apparent sex worker who provided advice purporting to be an expert, would it change how private you were with the information? Probably.

Technology does serve to bring people with similar interests together, however the potential for anonymity will increase privacy. If you're able to meet someone in person that you've met online a bond can be established and a reduction in privacy can take hold. I think that technology's ability to bring people together can facilitate a reduction in privacy and could potentially lead to a return to a world were we know everything about everyone to an extent, but it cannot do it by itself. People are still people and that physical social interaction is a necessity for us to grow and thrive in this world....according to Sex at Dawn, why else would our brains be so large?

Solo Poly

2010-10-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Solo poly was one of the better classes that I attended at Folsom Street Fringe; it was taught by Allena Gabosch, the director of the Centre for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle and also someone I'm privileged to call my friend. Allena discussed her version of poly; solo poly. She defined it as poly in which you have no primary partner, don't live with any of your partners and are not looking for a primary partner aka the proverbial "ONE" that so many people spend their lives searching for. Each of her partners fits a specific need in her life and she in theirs.

While I entered the world of non-monogamy with a primary partner, the primary-secondary distinction no longer applies to me and I feel Allena's solo poly is much more applicable. My version of poly is very fluid; I'm open to changes in how I view it and how I approach relationships, currently I'm not looking for a primary partner or a single individual to spend the rest of my life with. Some may view that as a lonely life prospect, but I've never felt that my life will be defined by me getting married and having children; I'm not saying that I never will do those things I just don't feel they are necessary for me to live a fulfilling life.

Recently I've had discussions with people about individuals 'deciding' that they want to get married and have children. It seems that many people make this decision solo, find the first suitable candidate; marry and have kids with them....not because they are the 'one' or the right fit for them, but because they made a decision that's what they wanted to do at that point in their life; and we wonder why so many couples get divorced! I'd much rather meet someone and make a decision that 'this person is important to me and I want to be with them for the rest of my life and have children with them because of how special they are.' Don't fool yourself, this isn't how most marriages begin, no matter how much you want to believe it. I know that this can happen, as it happened with J and I, she was someone that I would've married and had children with (which I didn't want when the relationship began) if it was something we both decided we wanted, however it wasn't while we were together.

My relationship status is thus solo poly: I'm not looking for a primary partner, but am open to the idea; I'm not looking for someone to live with, but wouldn't say no if someone asked; I'm not looking to get married or have kids, but if the person was special enough who knows.....confusing I know, but life should be fluid and open to change; right now I'm just looking for partners to satisfy specific needs in my life and having a lot of fun doing so!

Strip Wii Bowling

2010-10-09T15:13:00.000-07:00

For the past 6 weeks I've been dating a new girl, M. Until we met, she was a relative vanilla, but as she puts it, "I always knew there was something else." Needless to say there's been a lot of fun experimentation recently and she's one of the reasons that I've failed to keep up with my goal of posting 3 times a week (gotta love NRE). More on M at a later date.

The other night we were out for a drink at our favourite local watering hole and she made mention that she has been craving video game and was as self-proclaimed Wii bowling shark, which upon arriving at my place I decided to put to the test. On comes the Wii and out comes Wii bowling, after a 1 point win by yours truly in the first match, the ante was upped, "How about for each game, the loser takes off a piece of clothing?" Well of course my answer was a profound YES! Confident as I was, I knew I was undressed for the occasion, women and their layers! The first 2 games were won easily by me and off came the cardigan and her bra, I was eyeing that pesky t-shirt next. Instead out came M's inner shark aided by her ability to never let my wine glass get less than a quarter full. She won the next game and off came a sock......I now know that in a game of strip anything, rules must be established beforehand as M's belief was socks count as one item, so after some prompting my her off came the other one. The next game was hers, as well and off came my shirt, leaving me with only my jeans; serves me right for forgetting boxers that day. Not that I had a problem with losing, because losing would eventually lead to a win for both of us; it was the bragging rights I was after. With the wine kicking our libido into overdrive the next game was played with M facing away from the TV straddling me, which quickly ended our strip Wii bowling experiment....luckily for me as she still had 3 items of clothing adorning her body.

We figured the game had gone on too long; to speed it up next time I think for each 20 points you lose by you will have to remove an extra piece of clothing. Toss in another player or two and the game could really be spiced up; give it try I'm sure you'll agree!

Folsom Fringe

2010-10-06T13:34:00.000-07:00

A kinky conference is like any other conference, you learn and network. Of course, networking takes on a different meaning in this context. I've always thought of a conference as something that allows you to advance your business connections and in the same vein a kink conference allows you to find new play partners, mentors, and friends....sounds very similar, doesn't it? I guess the networking isn't too different after all. Needless to say I met some amazing people and while I didn't play at the party on the Friday night, I did learn a lot and had some incredibly interesting conversations about kink and polyamory.

I found that the people that attended the conference were very much like me, they weren't just interested in the sensations derived from kink (well some were), but also how and why things are the way they are. It was refreshing to have intellectual conversations about poly and kink and how they related to each other in everyday lives, something that I always feel is lacking in my local scene. It's one of the reasons that I travel to Seattle on a regular basis, because the conversations that I can have there far exceed what I can have at home. While there are a couple of people in Vancouver that are interested in having these discussions the ability to have these discussions with people around the same age as me was fantastic. Especially since these are the people that I will be growing with in the world of kink. I may see them this year or in 5 years, but keeping in touch with them from time to time only serves to increase you network and talking only serves to drive my desire to learn and grow as the kinky person I am.

Sex at Dawn

2010-09-25T01:05:00.000-07:00

I recently read Sex at Dawn, a book that studies the origins of human sexuality. Everyone that I’ve spoken with that’s read it has found it an amazing read and I’m no different. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend buying it as soon as you get the chance.

It contrasts the conventional relationship with human origins, discussing that we are not biologically monogamous, delving into our primate genealogy and physical make-up as evidence. What I like most about the book is that it doesn’t say, “Man must be non-monogamous,” instead it gives evidence for you to make up your own mind and question conventional wisdom. Too often in life we follow the beliefs that our pastors, teachers, and most of all parents believe in; instead of using them as a basis for our own, we treat them as fact. If you have an open mind, Sex at Dawn will allow you to see things a different way, even if you don’t agree with their conclusions. I think it’s applications can go beyond sexual history as humankind needs to question convention and not always just accept the status quo because it’s the easiest option.

Busy Life

2010-09-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

Apparently I have not been able to maintain my goal of writing an entry at least 3 times per week, which is very unlike me. Typically if I set a goal I stick to it, for that I apologize. My only excuse is a busy life, which does not satisfy me.

What have I been busy with? Well as I write this I’m on an airplane on my way to Folsom Street Fringe, which will eventually lead to Folsom Street Fair on Sunday. Labour day weekend I was in Seattle for Paradise Unbound, where I attended a number of workshops. The highlight of which was Graydancer’s Tie Em Up and Fuck Em workshop, which detailed a simple yet effective (it’s effectiveness has been confirmed) rope handcuff that takes mere seconds to unleash. The motto is….secure the wrists…..wrap the body….control the hips; with only a slight miracle required. I must applaud Graydancer as it is an original invention, thank-you.

Back home, I’ve continued to attend M/s discussions, attended a Protocal dinner, a Sir/Boy leather contest in Seattle judged by Monk and a 7-hour rope intensive taught by Boss Bondage. Oh and of course my non-kinky life has continued! So needless to say I’ve been busy. I do hope to be able to get back on track with blogging as it helps me put my thoughts and ideas into print. I’m sure I’ll have some reflections from both Folsom Street Fringe and Fair in the upcoming days.

Polyamory does not equal polygamy

2010-09-09T09:10:00.001-07:00

In this morning's Globe and Mail there's an article about a polyamory advocate who's looking for clarification as to whether the Canadian criminal code (section 293) that bans polygamy also extends to polyamorous relationships, read it here. Now without exploding over the fact that this is completely ridiculous (consent vs. non-consent) I'd rather examine how this could possibly be enforceable.

With polygamy it seems clear cut, there's an issue of consent that's breached. A man has multiple wives that act in a similar fashion to a harem and is based on a patriarchal system, whereby the woman's rights aren't always respected. While this sort of relationship can be completely consensual, the ones we always hear about are the ones that aren't; where a man controls his wives (a la the recent polygamy case in Bountiful, BC).

Polyamory on the other hand is usually consensual and may not even involve marriage. To the untrained observer polyamory could be nothing more than an individual dating more than one person, in most cases nothing's down on paper; so I can't see how (or why) this would be illegal. In the case of a marriage that is polyamorous and the couple are off with different partners, there may be something to enforce, however if neither of them is wishing to press charges and both of them are consenting to the situation, why would it be illegal? An added difficulty with polyamory is the definition of it, there is a general openness to the relationship, however in my experience almost every polyamorous relationship has it's own structure and it's rare to find one relationship that is the same as another one, given differing rules or lack there of. Due to the small amount of relationships that are polyamorous (and happily so, for the most part, they are relationships after all) I would fail to see the purpose of making it illegal, but then again I'm not a conservative political figure.

It poses a very interesting question and one that cannot be easily answered. I'm curious, however, as to why this polyamory advocate would bring the question into the legal realm unless there was a hint that it may fall under the same umbrella. This article also brought to my attention that there is a Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, which I was not formerly aware of; also apparently there are 0.5% of people across Canada that participate in polyamory, that's a lot more than I would've expected. If you're interested I'm sure you can follow the discussion their website, I know I'll be looking for updates there; as polyamory is not typically mainstream news.

Twitter

2010-09-03T12:43:00.000-07:00

As a follow-up to my post last week, I've discovered that Twitter seems to be a way for people to discover that I'm kinky. I keep my blog and twitter separate, using my name on my twitter feed and not here, however I do not discriminate what I talk about or who I communicate with via twitter as I've found it's a great way to keep in touch with some of my kinky friends. However, as individuals (particularly women) are want to do, they google you and low and behold at the top of my google search is my twitter feed. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I'm kinky with tweets like:

"A guy I work w/just rec'd a taser as a gift from a vanilla girl he just started dating....methinks she's not as vanilla as she seems."
"Nothing like some crop spanking post-Gaga; if only these people knew how to use them properly!!"
"RT @twistedmonk: "nothing says love quite like when you spit expensive bourbon on my freshly made single tail marks..."

And of course if they search through people I follow, they'll come across some very prominent names in the kink community, further unveiling my kink. Maybe this is a good way for me to start letting people know I'm poly as well...

Being Upfront - Part 1

2010-08-27T18:27:00.000-07:00

Note: I wrote on a similar subject about a month ago, this post is a more defined idea as to when poly and kink should be disclosed based on a recent experience.

Being poly and kinky, one of my beliefs is that if you're going to date, date ethically. By that I mean if you're out with someone that you believe has different views than yourself (aka monogamous and non-kinky) you must be honest with them as to your beliefs. It's true that there is a fine line here, in response to a friend's question Mistress Matisse said in a blog post that you should disclose you are sex worker to a potential partner on a second date. When single I've always felt similar about when to disclose that I am poly. Disclosing this on a first date has the potential to distort any first impressions that your date may have of you; I've found that once you bring up non-monogamy the conversation inevitably gets focused on that losing any chance to find out whether there's any compatibility between the two of you.

Recently, I had a couple of dates with a young woman, the first one went very well.....drinks, dinner, movie.....typical first date. We really hit it off and had some great conversation. The second date ended up being 2 nights at a lake with a few of my friends, where we ended up drinking and talking long into the night; she was one of the easiest people I've talked to and I think she felt the same way as we both discussed things that aren't typically discussed on a 2nd date and that takes each of us a while to disclose to a partner. Part of these conversations revolved around me being poly and kinky, both had to be explained in detail to her and she no experience with either; however she didn't run for the hills but asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in my kinky side (we all know we have one). Another of my personal rules is not to engage in sex without disclosing this information and allowing it to sink in, so I remained ethically in our drunken and naked states (we went skinning dipping). About a week after being back in the city, I received a text from her saying, "she didn't think that she could see us going anywhere relationship wise because we were too different, she thinks." Would it have been nice to see where it could've gone? Of course, but neither of us had our feelings hurt because we were both honest about who we were and I have a feeling we'll continue to be friends.

Now if you're partnered, that's a different story; in my opinion it's a first date discussion. At least that's how I approached it when J and I were together; yes there is compatibility to be determined but from an ethical perspective you're coupled and your date should be made aware of your coupling; yes your dating pool will be significantly reduced and your dates may not last very long (I prefer coffee or drinks as a get to know you first date to have this discussion) but at least you can feel good about yourself and won't leave a trail of pissed of dates in your wake.

I'm still working on the timing of when to bring up just how kinky I am, when I figure it out, you'll have Part II.

Exploratorium

2010-08-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

Last week I was asked to run a restrictive bondage booth at the Libido Lounge's Friday night Exploratorium event. The event allows individuals to sample a selection of kink activities for a 15-minute duration, just enough for them to feel whether it's something that they may be interested in learning more about. This marked my first foray into teaching/demonstrating rope; and was the first time that I brought Blip along as my assistant, a job that she will continue to learn. As newbies, the attendees ran the show and based on a brief discussion with them I devised a quick way to introduce them to rope; for the most part these were very simple breast harnesses, with a couple of variations. While it was an interesting experience it's not the way I typically like to tie, with direction. I had an idea of how I wanted to run my booth, but after a discussion with the owner of Libido Lounge, I realized that what I wanted to do was too advanced (and mean) for the newbies who would be attending; thus I had to turn down my sadistic dial.

My success of the night was being able to change 2 people's minds about rope. They had both previously had bad rope experiences, but through negotiations I was able to determine what didn't work in the past and tailor my approach accordingly; afterwards they both said it'd definitely be something that they'd be willing to try again....woohoo!!

Blip was a good assistant, although sometimes got a little bit too caught up in all the play that was going on around her. One of the things that I've been working on with her is her focus, it's coming but she still has a ways to go. A couple of hours into the event, as a reward I allowed her the sampling of her choice and she choose mummification in saran wrap by one person and flogged by another...luckily I had a gap in attendees near the end of her flogging and had the opportunity to finish the scene. I can't wait until I'm able to put some time into practicing flogging and be able to use my full force, but until then short arming it will have to suffice. Then the issue will be finding someone who can take my full force, especially seeing as I'm not one that enjoys too much warm up....luckily there are a lot of masochists out there....

Contracts

2010-08-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

Every month (well I started last month but will continue to attend - so really only 2 months so far....but I digress) I'm attending a Master/slave discussion group. I'm not looking for, nor do I have a slave, however as a Dominant many of the concepts are transferable to the Dominant/submissive relationship so I will continue to attend. Last night's topic was contracts - a written agreement between the Master and slave outlining what is expected of each in their relationship; they also typically outline how long the slave with serve the Master.

Contracts are not something I believe in. It's a static document and a relationship should be fluid no matter how it's structured. Furthermore, a good Master/Dominant should be able to train their slave/submissive in such a way that there is no need for a contract as all actions have been learned and none are open to one partner's interpretation. I think that a Master could very easily fall prey to relying on the contract too much and fail to see a change in the slave. This could very easily lead to relationship problems as open communication is not facilitated. Yes, methods of communication can be written into a contract, however there's still the chance that it's not deemed to be as open or free as a result of the contract's language. If you're living with your slave/submissive a cohabitation agreement is probably a good idea, especially if the Master looks after the financial side of the relationship as you'd want to make sure your slave was looked after if something happened, but this is very much different than a M/s contract.

Something else that you have to understand about contracts is that they will not stand up in court, as one person cannot legally give away their rights to another. If they verbally say that they no longer want to be a part of the relationship then they no longer are, whatever is written into a M/s contract carries no weight in the court room. The only weight it would carry would be based on the commitment that each party has to each other and you don't need a contract to create that commitment.

I feel that if you are able to remain in regular contact with you slave/submissive and you are an individual who has the ability to understand and notice changes in behaviour then you will be able to ensure that the relationship stays on the path that you both want it to be. This brings us back to this concept of communication; which is not only key to this type of relationship but any relationship. I think I'm a good communicator (or at least have been told that I am), but even so I've made sure to let any partner know that if I'm not communicating properly make me aware of it, so that I can make adjustments as none of us are infallible. Contracts are too rigid and can often be open to interpretation; me I prefer the direct approach.

What it means to be poly

2010-08-16T13:27:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I was lucky enough to be invited to Twisted Monk's 40th birthday bash and Abbey party and what a party it was. It had an 80's theme and the costumes ranged from George Michael to Devo to Adam Ant (Monk himself) to all variations of Madonna, with Mistress Matisse dressed 'Like a Virgin' - check out her Twitter feed for a picture; in my opinion the costume of the night, but I've always had a thing for Madonna. At one point as I was sipping a blissfully tasteful glass of Stagg, I looked around the room and saw....try and stay with me....Max single tailing one of his partner's L, as G, one of L's partners, watched. Next to G were Monk and Matisse, Max's partner, with arms intertwined enjoying the show, as Monk's wife was engaged in a conversation with a group of people nearby. On the other side of the room, were 2 of A's partners (all in all there were 4 of us in the room) having a conversation and as I stood there watching everyone thoroughly enjoying themselves all I could think was how great it was to be poly.

Everyone was smiling and having a fantastic time, no animosity, no drama; just a bunch of people that truly cared for one another enjoying themselves and the fact that their partners were having fun, no matter who that was with. That's the true essence of compersion, defined as a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion (Wikipedia). Do I think I'm more evolved than people who can't grasp this feeling? No, of course not. I can remember a time when I would get jealous of J having a conversation with another guy. Yes it took a while for me to change and be able to appreciate that another person could add something to her life and in doing so increase her happiness. I also realized that J wanted to be with me and if she didn't then she wouldn't, which was key to me understanding that I no longer had to fear losing her in that way, which reduced and eventually eliminated my feelings of jealousy.

To me poly is the ability to have your own and your partner's happiness enhanced by other people. Can that happen non-romantically? Of course it can, but there is a certain intimacy that can only be found through a more romantic relationship with someone and I've found that this allows that happiness to grow even further. When I can see the joy that A has in the fact that she will soon be collared, how can I not be happy for her? Luckily her dominant doesn't want the collaring to affect her other relationships, but even if it did, the joy she projects would be worth it. I want people that I care about to be happy, with or without me in their lives.

Will I always be poly? I don't know, I can't predict who I'll meet or where their beliefs will fall, but I see being open as being open to all types of relationships. The one thing I do know, is that given what I've seen and experienced it would take a very special person to make me want to be 100% monogamous again.

Goals

2010-08-11T19:01:00.000-07:00

After a long hiatus I'm back. I've had 3 out of town bachelor parties on 3 consecutive weekends and am off to a wonderfully kinky birthday party this weekend (and yes I'm uber-excited about it....shhh it's a secret!) and before all of that I was on my 2-week road trip through the Western US. So my time has been spent either at these engagements or working furiously when I've been in town; however as of next week (as both the summer and my insane schedule come to a close) I'm recommitting to writing here as very interesting things have been happening in my world, both kinky and vanilla, so my goal (and saying it here is as good as of a commitment as any I can think of) is to write at least 3 times a week; I know I have enough material for it, it's just finding the time to sit down and do it, hopefully this will provide the needed motivation.

And since I'm on the topic of goals and in the mindset that putting font to screen helps commit me to them. I'm also recommitting to jogging at least 4 times a week, which coupled with doing yoga 5 times a week, should provide enough activity to burn off some of these calories that have accumulated over a 5-day and 2 3-day drinking binges for friends' bachelor parties, oh what we do to our livers in order to send off our male friends with fond memories of single-hood. See you next week!!

When to break the news...

2010-07-29T13:25:00.000-07:00

An article that Mistress Matisse wrote for her Strange column today about poly people dating monogamous people got me thinking about when is the right time to tell someone you're poly and/or kinky. Ethically, I feel that you should tell someone as soon as possible before either party gets too emotionally invested in the other, however in practice this ends up being more difficult than it appears.

One girl I told after a couple of weeks of seeing her exploded and said that her whole opinion of me changed and we haven't seen each other since, while another said she enjoyed my company but had no interest in non-monogamy or kink and didn't want to hear about anything I did related to either. We continued to see each other for a few weeks, but eventually the relationship ran its course. I have only once brought up the poly conversation on a first date and this was when I was still with J, the woman was fine with it and we saw each other a couple of times, but nothing really transpired until after J and I broke up and then only briefly.

As with most things it really depends on the type of person that you are disclosing your lifestyle to, however I think if the relationship is going to work for better or for worse, honestly is the best policy and you should discuss your poly beliefs within the first couple of dates.

What about kink? Outside of people I've met at kink events, my interest in kink is not known by many people I meet for the first time. The other night I had a bunch of people I recently met over and spent 10 minutes running around hiding toys and books, as I was sure (and rightly so) that there'd be snooping. I'm generally pretty matter of fact about my kink, however if it's a young lady that I may be interested in having as a partner I feel like I should bring her along slowly, but am I really going to hide all my toys and books every time I see her? That just doesn't seem practical. And while, I am able to have sexual relations with someone without kink involved I think from an ethical perspective full disclosure again is the only way to go. Either that or I should just stop dating people that I think are vanilla, which is no fun as it severely limits your dating pool, especially in Vancouver.

The question comes to me with everyone I meet and it's one of those things that I have to get used to being both poly and kinky; as with most things in life...it's a work in progress.

Things I Miss

2010-07-19T14:43:00.001-07:00

Things I miss:
- Getting a hug before I leave for work
- Not having to grocery shop alone
- Coming home to the sounds of music and smell of baking
- The smell of the person you love
- Walking the dog
- Cooking dinner for more than one
- Having someone to share awkward situations with

This was a list I made almost 3 months ago now. I've tried and on occasion have successfully satisfied one or two of these misses in a given week (sometimes even in a day!) but have been unable to fulfill them all on a regular (or somewhat regular) basis. I still have my side of the bed and since I don't move very much while asleep the other side is always untouched. The condo is quiet when I arrive home and always smells the same. The only item that I can consistently satisfy is cooking for more than one person because....well....everyone likes a free meal and to be cooked for on occasion.

My nostalgia and sense of loss has grown the last day or two, I think brought on by my having dinner with some old friends last night, who discuss things I have no interest in discussing and want things that I have no interest in wanting. The lack of an outlet to voice a mutual disinterest makes me uninterested in making an attempt to continue the conversation, knowing I'm the only one that's uncomfortable in the setting. I'm not the type of person who will feign interest, so I left the meal before I burst at the seams with my honesty. The perspective it gave me was haunting....

S/M Tendencies

2010-07-12T14:09:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of weeks I'm beginning to get a much better understanding of where my S/M tendencies lie. J has always called me a masochist because of certain things that I continually do to myself:
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring

These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.

On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.

How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.

Out

2010-07-10T10:39:00.000-07:00

During my road trip I told pretty much anyone I had a chance to talk to for an extended period of time that I was both poly and kinky; some needed a little bit more explanation about what that means, others knew right away, but the interesting thing was that everyone I told (all of whom were vanilla, at least as far as I'm aware) asked questions and continued the conversation instead of running for the hills. So either I have some amazing friends or it's just not that big of a deal anymore, while I wish the latter were true, I think in this situation the former is the case. However, I think as the world and both sexes evolve there is less and less of a stigma attached to being either poly or kinky.

So with that knowledge in hand, last night I came out to my dad as both poly and kinky....the reaction was, well, what I expected from my dad; complete and utter acceptance. He asked a few questions and thanked me for sharing it with him but that was about it. My decision to come out to him stemmed from him coming out of his shell after 64 years of life, brought on by his recent Caribbean cruise that he went on with a lady that he met 23 years ago when both of them were married, an amazing story to say the least. And I figured that now was as good a time as any, especially as I'm finding my footing more and more in this 'brave new world' as my Dad called it. As a good parent, his only concern was my safety from STIs, which anyone that lives the same life that I do knows are a huge part of being both poly and kinky and is a conversation that happens very near the beginning of any sexual relationship in this lifestyle. I know for me it's something that comes up within the first couple of dates, once I decide a person may be worth seeing more of; it's also an easy way to filter out people that aren't interested in the way we live. Where I live, the number of poly/kinky friends I have are few in number, so it's especially important when meeting vanilla people, as it separates those that are truly vanilla from those that are interested, but have yet to have the opportunity to explore. Yes, sometimes this can blow up in your face, but if you prepare for the worst and are open and honest, you'll be amazed at how often you're surprised.

I'm lucky to have a family as close as I do and one so accepting, I know for a lot of individuals coming out is a huge deal, as most parents are not accepting of the lifestyle that we have chosen to live. While I may be in a unique family situation, I think the way to approach it is the same for everyone. Be confident, be honest, and have faith that your family loves you for you, no matter what life you chose to lead. Your family is your family and they love you unconditionally; I've come to understand that if they understand your reasons for living the life you've chosen to live that they will accept it. The stumbling block is giving them the time to understand those reasons. The other night I was talking to one of my sister's best friends (and yes, vanilla) and told her about Blip and how our dynamic works, what I get out of it and what she gets out of it. To which she replied, "interesting, you see things in movies and such and it always seems degrading, but when you put it that way it's not at all." And this was all over a 10-minute conversation; I was able to express to her how it works and why it works. It also helps that she knows the type of person I am and knows I would never abuse the relationship I'm in, which can be a concern if the D in the D/S relationship is unethical, but that's a discussion for another time.

Home Sweet Home?

2010-07-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm back from my 5,600km, 14-day marathon road trip through the US. Met some interesting people and had a chance to think about things that needed to be thought about, something that I think I should do more of. The interesting thing about this trip was that this was the first time in a long time that I didn't want to come home. Over the last number of years, I've always looked forward to coming home when I've been off on my own, but I didn't want to nor did I feel the need to. It was as if I could've stayed traveling until I got tired of it, probably because for the first time in a long time I had nothing to come home to. Sure my family is here, but we've been all over the map and don't see each other often and I know I could keep connected with them wherever I was. And yes I do have close friends, but I've been drifting further and further apart from them as my life has become more entrenched in both poly and kink, which they don't understand. Of course there's my job, but I was able to keep up with what I needed to keep up with while on the road taking an hour here or there to answer emails or look at proposals and I know I could do that wherever I was in the world. Needless to say it was an interesting feeling and one I'm not sure that I fully understand yet. I know why I felt the feeling, but I'm just not sure what to do with it yet.

A walk

2010-07-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

Strolling through the gate
As if on a cloud
An air of difference and beauty
Increasing her intrigue
Matched only by knowing the beauty inside
Altering a life 6 years ago today

Mr S

2010-06-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

A picture of me is now the desktop for a pretty gay boy who works at Mr S Leather; or at least that's what he said he wanted my picture for. After he spent a good 45 minutes fondling my bits while fitting me for a cock and ball ring and attaching behind the back cuffs to my balls, he asked if he could take a picture of me from the chest up for his desktop. While at some point in my life I'm sure I'll have a sexual encounter with a man because I think any experience is worth trying, I consider myself 100% straight (if I were bi, I'm pretty sure our new friend would've followed us back to our hotel room). But since I made both his and A's day, it was worth it (she has a really big thing for pretty gay boys). A was so excited that when my hands were bound behind my back, she dropped to her knees and started giving me head in the dressing room, only to be interrupted by the employee and the owner of Mr S who came to see, "the pretty straight boy bound by his balls." Apparently that is a rarity at Mr S.

All told we spent about 5 hours at Mr S over the course of 2 days, I spent way too much money, but am bringing home some lovely new toys that I'm sure will leave some fantastic bruises on Blip....I'm only mildly sadistic. We also got to play dress-up with A, who spent the better part of 2 hours in Mrs S Leather getting decked out in leather and latex and did she ever look amazing. So much so that when we showed the pictures of her to our new friend, he showed the owner who said there may be an opportunity for her to come back and do some modelling for the Madame S website....I may have also been asked to have more pictures taken of me, which may or may not have been for their website.....

We also had some great food, did some sightseeing, and took in the SF Pride Parade (see pics below). The only stumbling point of the weekend was a flat tire as we tried to leave SF, maybe something was trying to tell us to stay longer, who knows?

Road Trip!!

2010-06-22T23:46:00.000-07:00

I'm about to embark on another adventure. This one will take me south into the US; beginning tomorrow with a 3-hour private rope lesson with Max. I'm also going to be making a stop in San Francisco to do some kink related shopping and possibly take in the sights or their Pride parade this weekend. I'm not sure where else my trip will take me, but that's half the fun. I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to write for the next couple of weeks but I'll do my best.

On another note I spent almost 2 whole days with Blip this past weekend as her dominant, it was a very rewarding experience for both of us; but I realized how tiring it is to be dominant for an extended period of time....I was completely drained come Monday. It gives me a whole new respect for individuals in D/S relationships that are 24/7. I'm really enjoying exploring this avenue of my life and look forward to what it can bring me and how I can help Blip grow.

People in my life

2010-06-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of months, I've started to develop relationships with people both in and out of the kink community and I figured it'd be a good idea to recap those that I talk about the most as they are part of my growth as an individual both in and out of the kink community.

J - my ex-partner who I discovered poly and kink with. I still consider her my best friend and the one person that I can talk to about anything in the world. At the moment it's still difficult for both of us to spend time with each other as it usually ends in tears for one or both of us. But she's the woman that I will always envision my future with, even though my belief that there will ever be a chance for us again is gone.
Z - J's secondary while we were open. Just recently she told me that she is seeing him, while I know she didn't leave me for him I know he had an impact on our relationship, especially near the end; however all that matters to me is that she's happy.
A - My practice partner in Seattle. Our relationship is developing and neither of us have defined what it is or where it'll go but have put aside time and space to care for each other and see what happens. I'm off next week on a US road trip and she'll accompany me on part of it - from Sacramento (where she's spending the summer) to SF
Max - My bondage instructor and someone who I feel that I can learn a great deal from as I progress in the kink community. I see him as an informal mentor both in rope and in my kinky life, which is becoming more and more a part of my everyday life.
C - Was a vanilla girl I saw for a little while, we floated apart pretty quickly as I became more involved in the kink community and I realized it was something that she would never be interested in.
S - Another vanilla girl I dated for a while, she knew about my poly beliefs and kink lifestyle and still stuck around for a while, even though she saw rope bondage, "As something you'd do if you wanted to kidnap and kill someone." She knew that she wasn't the girl for me, but the short time we were together I left the impact on her life that I wanted to showing her that men can be decent and aren't always trying to get into her pants. We will continue to be friends, even though she doesn't want to hear about my kinky lifestyle.
Blip - My sub in my D/S relationship that recently began. Met her at a Vancouver play party, Rascal's, and I've been developing her as my submissive. It's a new experience for both of us and will be a very good learning experience.
H - A 19 year-old vanilla girl I've recently started dating. Only been out with her a couple of times and have yet to tell her about my poly/kinky beliefs but if she's still interested in me after I get back from my US road trip I will have the discussion with her, which I always find is an interesting conversation to have with people who are vanilla as it can bring out very intriguing reactions.

I think that's all for now. Enjoy the weekend!!

Another Membership

2010-06-13T21:11:00.000-07:00

After attending their fire play class and Dungeon Party last night, today I became a member of the Libido Lounge. From an educational and sex positive perspective I think the Lounge is doing it right. Jennifer, the owner of Lounge, is a great educator and knows what she is talking about and I think that many of the classes that she offers will be valuable. However, I'm not sure how many of the Lounge's play parties I will attend, while I'm all for being sex positive, the Lounge offers masturbation parties, sensual massage and speed dating nights, and things of that ilk, which aren't really the sort of things that I'm looking for, however occasionally they host bondage and dungeon nights as well as classes that will be beneficial such as play party etiquette.

I really respected the fact that at the dungeon party they did not serve alcohol; which was one of the things that irked me about the Rascal's party I went to about a month ago, to me it's a safety thing. I did feel that there was a lack of suspension space, however I heard a rumour that a local carpenter is planning on putting up 3 suspension rings within the next month, which given the warehouse height ceilings in the Lounge should be a lot of fun.

Education

2010-06-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

As I come to understand the Vancouver kink scene more and more, I notice things I think can be improved. As a result I'm beginning to inject myself into the community on a more regular basis; now I'm by no means an expert, far from it, but when I see the way things are run in Seattle compared to the ways things operate in Vancouver; there is a marked discrepancy.

For example, safe words. I've been talking to Blip (who I'm continuing to develop as a sub) and she said that at play parties they use the safe word "Red" to end a scene. In effect the top will continue to ramp up the intensity until the bottom says Red, at which point the top will end the scene and express their pleasure that the bottom was able to use the safe word and tell them when the scene should end. The way I've always understood safe words is to use them when the intensity becomes too much or something is feeling off, at which point the top changes the way they are doing things and the scene continues until they decide to end it. In my opinion, 1) a good top should be able to understand their bottom, 2) not allow the scene to get to the point of the bottom having to use their safe word and 3) the top should end the scene when they feel that their bottom has had enough. There also seems to be a debate about who controls a scene and it is the opinion of most that the bottom controls the scene, which given the use of safe words here makes sense.

There is also a fracture of groups in Vancouver. Metro Vancouver Kink, Rascal's, Libido Lounge and SinCity; each of which have their own play party night (typically one per month) and each operate differently. Libido Lounge seems to be the most organized and educational, however I will reserve my opinion until after this weekend as I'm attending a fire play class tonight and their member orientation tomorrow. I'm not attending their play party this evening as they have a dress code rule, which I'm pretty opposed to. If I'm going to dress up in fetish wear, I'm going to do it because I feel like it and not because it's dictated by event organizers. As you might guess, I don't see myself ever attending a SinCity party because...well...it's a fetish event.

So how am I going to inject myself and help the Vancouver community? Well I can assure you it's not going to be something that happens quickly, given my education level. While first, I'm going to try and spend more time in Seattle (thank-you Nexus pass) as the CSPC has some great classes and I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing people there I think I will be able to learn from. Secondly, at the suggestion of Max I have a plan to attend some kink conferences throughout the US over the next year or so. I'd love to be starting with Thunder in the Mountains in July, however I have a end of the year softball tournament that I've already committed to. So unless I decide to go camping for Paradise Unbound, my first conference will probably be Folsom Street Fringe in September; which I hope to volunteer for and attend. It will also allow me to go to the Folsom Street Fair, which should be a very cool experience.

So my eduction will be ongoing, but it's something that I seem to enjoy and that aligns with what makes me happy, giving myself to others and making a difference in their lives. I've really begun this with Blip and through getting to know her I know that I can help her grow and flourish as an individual and while it's a learning experience for me, I have some fantastic resources available to me, I just have to use and cultivate them.

Brain Drain

2010-06-10T14:51:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I posted, so I just wanted to say I'm still alive, but barely. I had an exam Monday night and have been recovering from some sort of cold or infection since returning from Seattle Sunday...my lymph nodes feel like they are the size of golf balls; this is only a short post as my brain does not want to cooperate right now, but I have some things that I've taken away from my time in Seattle and I feel the need to discuss them at least when my head behaves....

Newest CSPC Member....Me!!!

2010-06-04T01:12:00.000-07:00

Today I joined the CSPC, so that I can attend events without having to be taken as a guest.....and for my first event I attended the Grind, a weekly Thursday evening event where all 3 rooms were in use. I got to see some beautiful dancing in the main play space; in the Raw space I saw the best flogging scene I've ever seen between 2 rock star tops Nathan and Russell, who are taking turns this week bottoming to each other with Russell going on Thursday and Nathan getting his retribution on Saturday, Nathan left with 5 bandaids and some lovely bruising; and in the Annex I saw A do her first public suspension and Mark Dv8 suspend Lani aka Fly Girl, who turned, spun, and flipped and was both gorgeous and unbelievable in her performance....strangely enough I thought that I good do some of the movements she did given my flexibility.

Seeing these people perform and scene makes me crave that in Vancouver...I feel like I want to learn and bring what I see in Seattle home. I need to practice my ties and flogging. If I get the right flogging equipment I can practice by myself, but I still need to find someone to practice rope with and i think I'm going to train Blip, a very subby girl I met at Rascals, how to be tied up...I know I can get her into a foggy headspace really quickly and maybe I can translate that into making her a rope slut, I know she likes suspension....so we'll see about the rest, hopefully it's only a matter of time. I'd love to get experienced enough to teach in Vancouver and show people what is available to them, because there is such a disparity between the Seattle and Vancouver Scenes.....

Class time

2010-05-31T14:14:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Seattle on Wednesday to spend some time with friends and for 3 classes at the CSPC. Mark Dv8 (yes I know his site is under construction, hopefully it'll be revamped in the near future) is in town after attending Shibaricon in Chicago, hopefully an event I will attend one of these years. All of the classes are being offered through Max's bondagelessons.com so if you live in Seattle or nearby you should stop by and check them out as none of them require advance registration. The classes I'm attending are:
- Ins, Outs, and Roundabouts of CBT. Something I've never done but as I've said before I'll try anything once and most things twice, so I figured due to the sensitive nature of the area, it'd be good to have some background on it in case I ever come across someone who wants to practice on me.
- Advanced Japanese Floor Work. This will be help me build my knowledge of non-suspension bondage, which seeing that I don't have any easily accessible hard points is what I use most often.
- Yoko Zuri (sideways suspension). This is the type of suspension that I practiced during the 2-Day Bondage Intensive back in March, which will give me another chance to practice side suspension, hopefully....I say hopefully as it's only a 90 minute class and I'm not sure exactly how much practice I'll have the chance to do.

There's a 4th class on Sunday, Erotic Rope Energy: Finding the Bond Beyond the Bondage, which should also be a lot of fun and one that I would love to attend but given that I have an exam on Monday and a football game on Sunday I think it's best that I'm back home studying by then....alas another class and Sunday Bondage is the Point party missed.....there's always next month. For all 3 classes I've managed to secure A as my practice partner again, which will be great as she's had some experience with the subject nature of each of the 3 classes from both the top and bottom perspective (CBT obviously excluded!!).

I look forward to coming home much more educated!!

Thoughts on marriage...

2010-05-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I was at a friend's wedding and one of the 760 guests in attendance was the mother of a childhood friend. Now maybe I'm getting to that age or maybe it's because we were at a wedding or maybe both; but one of the first questions she asked me, "Are you engage? Are you married?" Her response to my answer of no was, "Oh...well that's ok, I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Which prompted a brief discussion on my beliefs on marriage, short because 1) she was an old family friend and 2) well we were at a wedding, so it wasn't exactly the proper venue.

While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.

One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.

The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.

Holding on

2010-05-26T13:28:00.000-07:00

I came across an anonymous quote yesterday:

"I think part of the reason why we hold something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen twice."

I think that this is so true. Life is a series events, relationships, and connections; but how often have you ever had one of them repeat itself? It happens rarely, if ever, so when you find something or someone amazing you never want to let that feeling go...so you hold it tighter hoping against hope to never lose it. Yesterday I was again overwhelmed by emotion while in savasana, only this time I was brought to tears; masked by the sweat of my just ended workout. The cause.....my apparent lack of connection with anything....the greatest connection I'll ever have seems to be slipping away and the more I try to hold on to it the more I lose it. I've always felt like I can find a solution for anything...but now that feeling is being replaced with a feeling that what I do, how I act doesn't matter...to anyone....so if you want to live for a greatness that doesn't matter; what's the point? What's the point of anything? I understand it's an incredibly lonely thought, which is why tears taint my cheeks. Tears of mourning for the loss of something so great that the thought of it never happening again fractures my heart and my soul. Trying to grapple with this is beginning to consume me, it's all I think about these days but no matter how much I think about it there's never an answer only a void.

Happy Birthday Sister!!

2010-05-25T00:12:00.000-07:00

Today (or yesterday as it is after midnight) is my sister's birthday. A tribute to one of the most amazing people I know. I love her as much as anyone can love anyone and hope she has a fantastic birthday (I know I did my part). Here's to the amazing person you are!!! I'm so privileged to have you as a sister, you are one of most supportive people I know and I wish you all the best.

Happiness

2010-05-20T22:58:00.000-07:00

"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you're trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted."
Sophia Bush

I saw this local play last night called Conversations with Willie, which was centred around the main character, Richard's, dialogue with his penis. The play was about relationships and how they affect who you are. Richard and his wife were always looking for more attention from each other and needing to be validated by the other's apparently unconditional love. The play ended with Richard discovering that he has to be happy with himself before he can be happy in a relationship, a thought that has been very present in my head over the past few months.

There was a discussion after the play in which the host asked members of the audience for the aspects of the play, if any, that resonated with something in their life. I spoke about how me and another member of the audience had been talking about the same thing...being happy with yourself....during the intermission; he and I had never met before and neither of us had seen the play, however we had a discussion about internal happiness and how a relationship must compliment that happiness rather than try to be that happiness. If you look at the relationships around you, how many people seem to be in them because of convenience? A lot of these couples are in relationships to give them happiness, to not be alone, to be comfortable....instead of being happy with who they are first. When asked how my experiences with self-happiness was going; I stated that I was happy with the person I was but that I felt it was something that would always be evolving. We are not static individuals, rather are changing and growing and as long as we continue that growth individually, we can continue to compliment ourselves in our relationships.

After the show I reflected on what I said in order to try and reconcile a potential disparity between my happiness as a person and my lack of self-love. I have never loved myself nor have ever held myself in very high regard, and I don't think I ever will, yet I am happy with the person I am. How can this be true? I'm not yet 100% sure how, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot today and so far this is what I've come up with. If you remember one of the things I enjoy in life is making other people's lives better (Remaining Open)? Well that goal makes me happy, facilitating others' growth, which in turn feeds mine. I want people to move on from being around me thankful to have had me in their lives, that I have given them something that they otherwise wouldn't have discovered easily on their own. Whether I love myself or not, has nothing to do with this and I think that this love can be given to others, instead of being used internally. I'm only beginning to develop the concept that I can be happy with who I am, yet be depressed and/or not love myself; but I think I will continue to ponder this idea because I don't think the two concepts are contradictory. It's yet another avenue of self-discovery that I'm working on.....don't forget life is all about the process.

Mood

2010-05-17T20:34:00.000-07:00

The last couple of weeks there's been a change in my mood. My temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter and at little things.....like someone not walking purposefully enough on the street; silly I know but it's something that gets to me on a daily basis. I'm not expressing this temper, rather I keep it inside as part of my inner monologue. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with this mood is there and I have no idea what I can do to change it. Yoga, which used to be able to calm my brain, is no longer having an effect. I used to be able to enter class with an active brain and leave with a clear mind but recently my brain activity subsides during clas but by the time I reach savasana my brain kicks into overdrive again and with more intense emotion than it started with; while in savasana in yesterday's class a feelings of sadness overcame me bringing me to brink of tears. I have no idea how to deal with this anger, sadness and loneliness....nothing I do seems to work. I feel at the mercy of my emotions, with my only option to wait and hope that the feeling passes, my concern rests with the question....what if it doesn't??

The Economist and Polyamory

2010-05-15T18:09:00.000-07:00

A came across a great article called, "Love and Polyamory" that I wanted to share. I feel it does a pretty good job discussing the topic of being in an open relationship and I find it quite progressive of the Economist's Intelligent Life magazine to discuss the topic.

Inked...

2010-05-13T15:19:00.000-07:00

I got my first tattoo yesterday, not because I wanted one but because I needed one. I used to hate tattoos. When J got her first one I was living in Saskatoon and she didn't tell me about it becuase she knew I wouldn't approve. She waited until she came to visit and I had her naked to show me and tell me about it...needless to say I was less inclined to have an issue with it with a gorgeous naked woman in front of me; I am afterall a man... It wasn't until 4-5 months ago that I seriously considered getting one, feeling a need to have it on my skin as a reminder.

I got it on the left side of my ribs, so that when my arm is hanging it's mostly covered and is mine and mine alone. I'm not going to go into detail about what the tattoo is or its meaning to me; as that is something for me and a lucky few to know...I feel it's more special, more mine in that way. Since the artist finished putting needle to skin I've felt a connenction to it not so much that the tattoo is there but more the meaning behind it. I don't feel so alone and when I think of it close to my heart, my hearts swells bringing tears to my eyes because of the memory it evokes. It's comforting to know it's there...clinging to me....embracing me. The memory of the needle's sting evoking images of my past.

When I first told J I was thinking of getting a tattoo, she told me that it'd become addictive and I'd want more, but now that I have it I don't think this will be the case. To me, having more than one would deminish this one's meaning and its importance to me is too great to ever let that happen. Maybe one day a feeling will come along and make me change my mind, but that feeling would have to be extremely powerful and I fail to see how anything could match the emotional attachment I will always have for my tattoo.

SEAF

2010-05-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

It's already been a week and a half since I attended the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, better known as SEAF, wow how time flies. I had the chance to spend time with and meet some amazing people, look at some gorgeous artwork, watch the Cabinet of Curiousities show and see Monk do an impromtu rigging on a 4-poster metal bed, which was countered by a horrible rigging the following night by an apparently inexperienced rope top (if it wasn't above a bed, I'd would've been worried about the danger of her suspension work).

While all of the art was fantastic, ranging from paintings to metal beds (fantastic for suspension!!) to photographs from all walks of erotic life; I came very close to purchasing a painting of a woman in a japanese setting bound in a karada with her hands behind her back, but by the time I considered it my 2 favourite colours (purple and red) were already spoken for and I didn't love the other colours enough to spend $400, so I settled for a few photographs from the store. One of the more amazing (and strenuous) pieces of art was a collar that was held in place around the artist's neck by 6 hooks attached through the skin of her neck. The collar was maybe 18 inches in diameter and was made of what looked to be steel. And hanging on 12 inch cords were 24 weights holding it in place. What was really amazing was watching the artist spin around and around (as we all did when we were children) using the centrifugal force to pull the weights outwards and away from the collar. Nothing I'd wear but amazingly beautiful. I've been looking for a picture of it but alas cannot remember the artist's name. If I find one I will be sure to share it.

The Cabinet of Curiousities was a performance that pitted a young mailman against his button fetish; writing a letter to none other than Dan Savage (who also made a cameo appearance). Along his journey he received a cabinet from his late aunt that contained all sorts of erotic characters and fetishes, with performances ranging from belly dancing to puppeteering (mildy disturbing) to burlesque to rigging; that helped him be convinced that he was normal. And performances by Monk, Dirty Martini, Elizabeth Rose, Fuchsia FoXXX, Inga Ingenue (gorgeous woman and performance), Miss Indigo Blue, Paris Original (I never thought I would enjoy a gay man in a tutu so much), and Waxie Moon, along with a Stranger response from Mr. Savage helped him along his way. The show was performed both Friday and Saturday nights and was unbelieveable both times. If I had the words I'd describe the beauty of the performances I would but alas I am unable to do it justice.

I also had the luxury of spending some more time getting to know Max, L, and A and was introduced to another of Max's ladies S as well as nice, submissive woman who I'll call R. When the lights dimmed Friday and Saturday nights I had the opportunity to explore my dominant side as well as my knowledge of knots on more than one occasion. One of which led me to walk R around SEAF for 15 mins in a Hojojutsu tie, an old Japanese military bondage technique, with a convientently placed knot to make sure she didn't trip over her dress that elicited a lovely, little squeal each time the top of the rope was tugged upwards. As for the rest of it, you'll just have to use your imagination.

The weekend also allowed A and I to further develop our connection. If you recall A was my practice partner at Max's 2-day intensive and since that weekend we have been talking on a regular basis. We had made plans to meet up on Saturday, however her schedule ended up allowing her to meet me at SEAF for a couple of hours on Friday, so we got the chance to get to really know each other, this time with clothes on. I got to meet one of her partners, who I litterally handed her off to on Saturday night; he was volunteering at the event and they had plans for the evening, so we arranged to meet him at a specific time and I guided A there and delivered her to her partner, for lack of a better word, leaving me to go and entertain myself with R and L. At the time I thought it was something that I should feel awkward about (along with the us occasionally bumping into him and them making out) but I didn't. While she and I are just friends at this juncture, I had a feeling of happiness for her as I could tell that he made her happy and she was off to have a fun night. I had a similar feeling for J when I knew she was off having fun with Z, the feeling of compersion as opposed to jealousy. I think this feeling is integral to being able to succeed in polyamory because if you can't feel joy in your partner's happiness then what's the point?

After the weekend I felt a kinship with the people I spent time with, something I haven't felt with my friends in Vancouver for a long time. I felt like I could speak my mind and talk freely and openly about what was running through me head and that they'd understand and be able to offer their thoughts and opionions. Contrary to my local friends where I have to check myself before I speak or be prepared for a lack of return commentary or perplexed look. I've always had this with J, but this was different as I had that ability with friends, not just with my partner. It's a very welcome community in Seattle and I hope to try and get down there at least once a month, as I enjoy the feeling of freedom and excitement that the people there are able to give me and I think I them.

"What's That Mean?"

2010-05-09T11:23:00.000-07:00

"(Bones pulls away from a kiss....pushing Booth away.....)
Bones: No, no,
Booth: Why......why?
You thought you're protecting me but you're the one that needs protecting
Protecting from what?
From me, I....I don't have your kind of open heart
Just give it a chance, that's all I'm asking
You said it yourself, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome
Well then let's go for a different outcome here, alright.....let's just....hear me out.....alright......you know when you talk to older couples......you know that have been in love for 30......40......50 years......alright...it's always the guy who says I knew.......I knew right from the beginning
Your evidence is anecdotal
I'm that guy, Bones I'm that guy I know
I.....I am not a gambler, I'm a scientist; I can't change, I don't know how.......I don't know how......(crying).....please don't look so sad
Alright....okay. You're right....you're right.....
Can we still work together?
(crying......nods head) Yeah.....
Thank-you
But I gotta move on; you know I gotta find someone who's going to love me.....in 30 year.....in 40.....in 50
I know......."

Watching the above scene brought tears to my eyes.....no matter where I go or what I do, I'll always find that in certain ways TV imitates life....I think that's the metric for good TV. Over the years, parts of certain TV shows have always made me feel an emotional connection in some way and the 100th episode of Bones was no different....a show that J and I began watching together over 5 years ago; in which 2 characters seemingly destined (if you believe in that sort of thing) to be together.....can't. Their personalities opposed in a way that cannot be changed.....you can't change who someone is. As I try to let go of J, I sometimes feel that our growth has taken us in opposite directions and that for us to be together again we would have to change; have to alter who were are; something that neither of us want of the other. I think the thing that impacted me the most about the scene was how Booth was looking for someone to love him years into the future, something that I always felt J and I would have....that each of us would be that person to love each other forever. My love for her will never wane....never cease.....but I wonder if we missed our chance.....if something were different....what if we didn't meet when we were both so young? And while I ponder this I know that what we gave each other has shaped who we are and I'm proud of the person she is today and would not want to take that away from her, no matter what our alternate reality may have been.

Exhausted

2010-05-06T14:56:00.001-07:00

I've been meaning to write about my trip to Seattle last weekend where I attended SEAF and got to hang out with some amazing people, but my brain has not been very accommodating, so it'll have to wait until I can devote my full energy to writing about it. After fighting border traffic on Sunday to get back in time for my flag football game, I've spent the week helping a friend move, taking care of my father's cats, visiting the eye doctor, playing softball, watching hockey (I know not draining but when you're team keeps losing you reach a frustration level), and am off to a tattoo consultation today....toss work and a lack of sleep into the mix and I'm one burnt out blogger. And tonight I'm off to a burlesque show to watch a friend perform with her belly dancing troupe, which should be quite fun but will again contribute to my lack of sheep counting.

On the bright side, the lack of sleep has allowed me to get to know A a lot better, which in turn has allowed me to explore the dominant side of my personality. Last night I mentioned I was off to a tattoo consultant today and without thinking A wanted to know what, where, and its meaning in a demanding tone. Scolding her I shared with her the where and am withholding the other two. She called me sadistic for withholding that which she wanted to know; in a way I am (in more ways than this I might add)....it's fun to have someone want something so bad and have the power to give it to them or withhold it. It's an interesting power to wield and something I don't have too much experience with but it's something I'm definitely going to be exploring over the next couple of months.

Who you are....

2010-05-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder how many people in the world know you? I don't mean who you are when you hang out with your friends or family, but the actual person inside, behind who you try to be around other people. This has been a common theme running through my head the last couple of months, who actually knows me....I have a really close core group of friends, but I feel less and less like I have things in common with them. They aren't the first people I'd turn to if I wanted to talk about something or if I were home alone and wanted to head out for a pint. Why is that....have I grown out of them? While I consider them my best friends, I don't feel like they have ever known me.

Someone said to me today, that if your friends aren't the people you want to spend all of your time with, then they aren't really your best friends. To an extent I'd agree with that, but I think of best friends as people you'd drop everything for, which is what I'd do for each of these individuals. However, I don't want to spend time with them because I feel like I've grown away from them and all of their conversations are superficial to me as they aren't interested in the same things I am. I think it's also a male thing; not a lot of men want to sit down and have a heart to heart to get to know each other....what's on the surface is usually fine. I don't want to hang out with them because they aren't interested in talking about things that interest me (amongst themselves they have similar interests with me being the outlier) and I feel they have nothing to offer me in terms of growth. Now maybe that's selfish, but if I'm going to converse with someone about something I'm passionate about, I'd like them to be able to offer some sort of counter argument or point of view that I can learn from....and they can't.

So it brings me back to my initial question....how many people in the world actually know you? Who knows your deepest secrets.....who would you tell everything to....who do you seek advice from.....I think I have one....one person in the whole world who knows and gets me and that one person is the one person, who as of a week ago, I can't communicate with. It's funny how life works....I wonder if there will ever be another person who will know me....I guess I have to hope that someone will; but it's really in my hands isn't it? If I find a person who's worthy, am I willing to let them know me? I'm not sure if I am....

Radio Silence

2010-05-01T16:00:00.000-07:00

Since our break-up J and I have kept the lines of communication open. We both very much want the other person in our lives, however over the last couple of weeks I felt like I was the only one trying to maintain the friendship; so when we met up so I could deliver a care package to her (mail, Top Pot doughnuts, chips and vanilla from Mexico) and she said that I have to stop communicating with her because it was still too difficult, it wasn't that much of a surprise. Sure it hurts like a bitch because I know I want her in my life more than anyone and always will, but at least I now know why she has been ignoring some of my texts and emails.

It's only been 3 days and it's extremely hard to not share things with her. Walking around Seattle today, a city that she introduced me to, there were many things that last week I would've shared with her:
- My stop at Peter Miller's, the book I purchased, and the fact that they have either downsized the store or are renovating
- A new place I found that sells Alessi and Kartell products, where I bought my very own Anna G
- A dress I saw in a store window that I thought would look fantastic on her
- Black Keys, a group she introduced me to, playing at the bar I was having lunch at

I know for a while now she was reading my blog, but I'm guessing that since she is trying not to know what goes on with my life; she won't be reading it anymore.....however if you are know that all of the above made me smile because of you....

Got Rope? - Day 2

2010-05-01T11:51:00.000-07:00

I arrived early for my sleep sac suspension demo and as I looked at the leather encasement on the ground, the first thing I thought was, "There's no way I'm fitting in that." Griffin held it open as I slipped my feet inside and lay down, Griffin and Max tried unsuccessfully to stretch the leather around my shoulders....which went on for about a minute before all realized that....as Lorelei put it, "I was just too manly to fit inside the sac." Luckily, they had a back-up individual in mind and once he showed up he was quickly encased and hoisted up by his shoulders and suspended about a foot off the ground. Hanging there Max described what to look for if someone happened to be hanging 20 feet above ground in such a sac (as he had done on one or two occasions).

As the demo ended and class began A settled into her seat next to me that I had set aside for her. Sitting next to her I could feel our connection from the day before, almost an electricity to it. We were lectured about partial suspension and how it can be more strenuous on the equipment because of the dynamic load, as the bottom could bounce or lift their feet off the ground to put more strain than just their body weight on the rope and suspension ring. We also learned how to untie someone safely from a suspended or partial suspended position....which body parts to release first and how to adjust the body position so that the bottom wouldn't fall over. We also learned how to provide more body support (more rope) and different ways to tie off the lines from the body to the ring.

We spent most of the morning practicing knots and before I knew it it was lunch time. I sat alone with A and we continued our discussion of our poly lives and how we got into rope bondage. It was interesting to hear about how she got into the BDSM world and came to working with Max. I told her how J and I had spent about a year and a half researching the poly lifestyle before actually entering the world so that we could be prepared as much as possible; however we both agreed that no matter how much you thought you knew every relationship is its own animal.

After lunch and practicing knots on our rope bags, it was time to practice partial suspension and were given 5 pictures of different partials to attempt. I went with a hog-tie partial as it allowed me to practice parallel lashing as well as a chest harness. As I began tying the harness, A turned to me and said, "I'm feeling a little tired today, so you're going to have to hurt me a little bit to wake me up.' Note taken!!! Off I went securely tying her hands behind her back with a little extra pull to provide her with her requested pain......After tying her feet I got into trouble trying to figure out a secure tie point to provide the proper arch. As I struggled with the tie I asked Griffin if he could provide some guidance, however no matter what he provided I couldn't seem to figure out how to finish off the bind properly...quickly getting out of my head and starting to stress.

With J one of my topping issues was losing control of the scene and allowing her and myself to fall out of our headspace. As my brain was racing I checked in with A and she said he hands were okay but she could tell they were going to lose feeling soon, at least my wrist tie was working....I attempted once more to complete the arch, but quickly realized it wasn't working. I untied her completely and held her from behind to make sure she was okay....retrenching that connection to let her know I was present, luckily we were both able to maintain our headspace and proceed, which was a great learning experience for me as it was something that I've always struggled with. As she relaxed I began another bind, tying her right ankle to right wrist to provide a side arch, looping that through the ring twice I pulled up lifting her torso and leg off the group, so that she was only supported by her left hip and leg. From almost falling out of our heads to a quick recovery I was elated, as Griffin checked on my handiwork it was deemed acceptable...untying A I checked in and provided some more comfort.....my turn.

A decided to do a simple tie and leave me lying on my left side, with my left leg in a frog-tie and my right leg suspended from the ring. We had to wait a while as all the instructors were busy so, I tested my mobility flipping myself to my front and rolled around, testing the integrity of the tie as well as the dynamic nature of the position...an incredible feeling with one leg supported, the other bound and the rest of your body free to support itself on from the ring. After Lorelei's approval we had a quick lecture and demo on 3 full suspension positions: facing the ground, the ceiling, and the side; learning how to properly attached a hip harness to our bottom for lower body support.

As A began rigging me for my suspension, she doubled up the chest harness for additional support and secured a hip harness around in preparation for a face down suspension. Once secured and checked, she put all of her body weight into the rope lifting her feet off the ground got me up halfway. On her second pull I looked over and saw her feet leave the ground, but I didn't budge...stifling a laugh....Griffin to the rescue again! The weight disparity and the friction created from the first hoist had left me stuck; with the two of them pulling I quickly popped into position.

Hanging suspended was an intense feeling; one and a half arm's lengths from the ground I hung there for about 10 minutes as A rigged my feet up to the ring into a lying down L shape. I'm not sure if I ever really got into the proper headspace but could feel the tightened ropes around my hips and chest, and especially in my lower abdominal region. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be as much of a workout as it was but my abs were fully flexed the whole time providing support to my back and upper body. I quickly transitioned to yoga breathing to maintain the feeling of calm and to ensure that my muscles remained relaxed. The constriction about my chest was lovely as the majority of my weight had shifted to the chest harness. Releasing me I could feel the blood rushing back to parts of my body that had been drained; A had checked in numerous times during my suspension and now that I had 2 feet on the floor she ensured I was doing ok, I was.

A and I negotiated a side suspension for her, but we had to move quickly as we were running out of practice time. Chest harness, with her arms free and a side hip harness as a lower secure point. I didn't have much of a problem hoisting her up into the air and as my ties got approval I checked in and supported her head with my arm, spinning her slightly allowing her to enjoy the weightlessness. She lay there suspended for a couple of minutes before Max called the class to order with the snap of a single tail. As I brought A down gently we embraced to check and I wrapped Monk's rope, returning it to its case.

As Max summarized the class he did a hair bondage demo on Lorelei hoisting her up by her hair through the ring so that she was on her tip-toes; really a wonderful pose and demo. After class I assisted with clean-up and was the last to receive my certificate of completion. As I was saying good-bye to Max he invited me to accompany him, A, Griffin, and Lorelei to dinner...an offer that I quickly accepted.

Dinner was a privilege; an honour to be permitted into their inner circle, something I couldn't have planned or hoped for. It was a wonderful experience to get to know all of them not only as instructors but also on a personal level....their poly lives, BDSM explorations and who they are as individuals outside of class.....a feeling that gave me a high the whole 3 hour drive home. This was a weekend that I wouldn't soon forget or replicate....however as I write this I'm back in Seattle for SEAF and oh what a night last night was; not a replication of the previous weekend, but the feeling of acceptance into a community I've longed for.....words cannot describe.

Apologizes...

2010-04-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

I've been a bad blogger...I've been meaning to write Got Rope Day 2 all week, but have just been so busy with work and other things that I haven't had the chance to finish my story and today I'm off to Seattle again this time for the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, which I hope will be very fun and entertaining (I just wish I wasn't going alone again...I really enjoy looking at art, especially erotic art, with someone); so I'll have lots to catch up on when I return. Until then I'll leave you with what a sleep sac is. Here's a picture and description here; also I found this video of it being used, although for the class purposes its usage also involved being fully suspended while inside of it.

Got Rope? - Day 1

2010-04-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

With the nervous anticipation of class killing me I got to the Center a little too early; pulling up I saw I wasn't the only one. 3 couples were huddled in their cars avoiding the chilly Seattle morning, my energy didn't afford me that luxury so off walking I went.

Heading through the entrance 10 minutes later, I noticed that not much had changed since I was there in October, a large open space with chairs facing one corner around a ring attached to a 'biner hung from hemp attached to another 'biner secured to a hard point in the ceiling. After registering and purchasing my 'biner kit I found a seat at the end of the 2nd row. As the 20 of us settled in, we made introductions; including me there were 4 singles and we were encouraged to take notice of each other to find a partner for the workshop. Front row there was a cute, curly haired girl (the only female single) who I made eye contact with giving her a little nod signaling she was going to be my partner, which was good because not 5 minutes later one of the other singles was politely declined when asking her to partner up.

Eventually we split up to practice the Karada body harness, with what was supposed to be a pre-knotted 30-ft piece of rope, but of course in trying to be smart, I spent part of the morning lecture undoing the knots in my 30-ft piece of rope....and then had to put them back in time for practice. After splitting up I think the first question my practice partner asked me was: Clothes on or off? Me being out of the rope game for a while figured that clothes should stay on at least until we developed a little comfort level.....the clothes didn't last long though......I found out my partner's name was A and we both identified as switchy, me with a tendency to top and her with a tendency to bottom; a great team. After another lecture we practiced the boola boola, taut line hitch, square knot...all building blocks needed for partial and full suspension. We had a little time to kill so I looked around and decided I'd tie her to a chair using the boola boola.
Me: Go sit in that chair.
A: No, please?
Me: Nope
A: Interesting. You can tell a lot by a person by the way they ask you to do something
I'd never thought of it like that but I guess you can; so my tendencies for instructions were purposefully dominant.

Then came lunch. A and I had a chance to chat and get to know one another, she said she was staying with a partner in town, as she was also from out of town and I talked about being poly and my interest and experience in rope. I also found out that she was being trained privately by Max on occasion and only began learning about top recently. Around this time Monk came back and dropped off his rope kit for me to use, which pleased both A and I, because we are both very familiar with Monk and his rope....amazingly A even bought, treated and dyed her own raw hemp that she was using, which I must admit was very impressive.

After lunch, everyone got naked, or nearly naked; everyone at least kept their underwear on, but pants, socks, shirts, and bras were discarded pretty much for the rest of the class. It's strange how non-sexual nudity becomes when you're focusing on tying someone up; no one's leering it's all about the process of rope.....amazing atmosphere. Parallel lashing and chest harness in prep for the hog-tie were up next.

I hog-tied A first. Chest harness with arms pinned behind her back....ankles bound via parallel lashing....finished with a taut line hitch to make the back arch until her gasp and restricted mobility made me tie it off.....I still only met her half a day ago and didn't want to be that mean.....yet. When she finished binding me, she didn't quite have the strength to get me into a great arch.....I'm 6'4"/215 and she's 5'5"/110 so it's understandable.....luckily for her (and unluckily for me) one Max's helpers, Griffin, was nearby to put his boot on my ass and give a yank and yes that provided quite the arch.....although I think I had a little bit more to go. By this point I had an audience, I guess we were one of the last group's to finish so Griffin was showing a couple of different ways how a smaller person could handle a bigger one in this position. During the exhibition, I felt a hand on my thigh and even though I wasn't entirely uncomfortable in the position it was unbelievably comforting. I knew it was A's making sure I knew she was present and checking in; it's amazing the kind of connection that can be developed over the course of 6 hours when you're tying someone up.

Near the end of the first day, Lorelei (Max's other assistant and one of his girl's) did an amazing head bondage scene with one of students.....all I can say is WOW. It was one of the most intense things I've ever experienced.....the whole room was hushed and it felt like a weight had fallen over us all. At one point someone came in the back door and left immediately (A later point out that the individual felt the energy and left because she wasn't a part of it). The whole scene only lasted 5-10 mins but to me it felt like it went on for 20-30 minutes. By the time it was over I was breathless; probably one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had....the power of it left me speechless, words cannot describe it.

As the first day came to an end and I was helping with some clean-up, A and I were talking and she asked to sit with me the next day to make sure that we could continue our connection; definitely a good idea as we were moving on to partial and full suspension. As I was one of the last to leave, Griffin came to me and asked if I'd be willing to volunteer, I accepted immediately; which impressed him because he hadn't told me what yet. Didn't really matter to me, I'm there to learn right.....he told me to show up earlier so they could get me put into a sleep sack.....luckily at the time I had no idea what that was.....I did on Day 2.....

Lessons

2010-04-23T12:00:00.000-07:00

I'm off to Seattle for Max's 2-Day Intensive Rope Bondage Class for which I had a 275 foot rope order from Twistetmonk.com, which of course is stuck in Canadian Customs and has no chance of getting to me before I leave for class in about an hour. Luckily, J and Monk came to my rescue....after much prodding from J, I called the Abbey yesterday, leaving a message explaining the situation. An hour later I get a call with an apology and an offer from Monk himself to lend me his personal rope kit!!! Needless to say I accepted, thinking of where the rope's been, who it's bound, it's history. I feel like I should bring him a present or something...maybe a Top Pot doughnut? Just another reason I love this guy...Thanks Monk!! Now to fight the traffic....

Love

2010-04-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

What is love? It's the most powerful of emotions that can be the best feeling in the world but also the worst. The worst was perfectly described in a post in the Philosophy of Non-Monogamy. A lot of the time I feel like this...that I hate love; it surprises you when you least expect and rips itself away when you feel it the strongest. If you've given a piece of yourself to someone, can you ever get it back? I don't think you can, that piece of you is theirs and will always be theirs, no matter what. It's a comfort thinking of it in this way, it means that particular love will always be there...will always be a part of you. And love can make you soar, it can make you do things that you never would've done and can make everything fall away so that all that's left is love. Why, then, isn't love enough? If it can fill you up and make everything else seem so trivial, then why not? Because at any moment it has the ability to destroy you. Love is like balancing the center of a teeter totter, where at any moment it can make you alive or destroy you. That's the trade-off to the most powerful of emotions: bliss or purgatory...you have no control over either and that's why I hate love and never want to love again....but the choice is not mine; it never was and never will be.

My Inner Sadist

2010-04-19T20:59:00.001-07:00

I've been missing my inner sadist, and masochist for that matter. I've been reading some new blogs that have had to do with people exploring control....pain....BDSM....and they've brought back memories; making me miss what J and I used to do. The feeling of her teeth sinking into my flesh, so hard I know she couldn't bite much harder...neck, chest, ears, neck, shoulder...did I mention neck? My favourite spot. The exhilaration that you'd feel as incisors sank in and the marks that would be there the next day; I loved the marks, a lovely reminder of what transpired.....I've never thought about why it makes me feel so good; I'm not sure if it's something that needs to be understood, just enjoyed. And then there's spanking....I don't enjoy being spanked but holding someone down and spanking as they squirm under your every strike....hitting the sweet spot where the bottom of the cheek meets thigh.......the little gasps as skin connects with skin. I prefer skin-to-skin contact myself, but paddles and pervertibles are always fun. I remember buying a plastic covered metal spatula from Ikea...boy did that pack a punch; I bought it expressly due to the fact that it would be a fun pervertible.

I've found it difficult to find people interested in such activities in my city; I find you need to develop a certain level of trust with someone before you can spank them properly or tie them up. I'm probably looking in the wrong places or maybe I just have to see what I can bring out of people. As I continue to become comfortable with being single again, I'm sure I'll develop a feel for it...until then I'll have to settle for memories and the occasional Seattle trip for a bondage seminar...sooo looking forward to this weekend.

Poly: A Beginning Part 1

2010-04-19T00:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I was out for drinks with a friend I hadn't seen since high school; so naturally we had a lot to catch up on....work, life, relationships....last year she got out of a 12-year relationship and since she said she has started to question monogamy but never thought that she could do it because she'd get too jealous. So as I shared the whys, whens and hows of my non-monogomous life I realized that I feel there really is a right and a wrong way to get into it.

Wrongs:
jump headfirst into it without evaluating how it's going to affect your existing relationship, doing it to fix something in your relationship, or as I read today in the Philosophy of Non-Monogamy getting pushed into it by one partner.

One right way:
While I'm no expert I definitely think J and I went about it logically. Our trip down the road of non-monogamy started at the annual Taboo sex show just over 2 years ago. We'd always attended these together and this year came across a book, the Threesome Handbook, which J bought for us. Reading it began the discussion of sleeping with others, first looking for a threesome partner, then a couple, and finally being open. We were aware of open relationships before but had never really discussed anything along those lines. A couple of months later, while I was in Vegas, I had an extended conversation with a stripper that felt like a connection; now it was with a stripper so it wasn't a true connection but it reminded me about what it was like to meet someone new and have that spark, or new relationship energy as its called by some; which brought further conversation between J and I.

You have to understand that at this point in our relationship we were having some issues, but we still felt like we were going to be together forever (or at least I did) and my Vegas experience made me wonder if we were missing out on something. We started dating when J was 19 and I was 24 and while we had had some life experiences prior to getting together we were really still new to many things and if we were going to be together forever, were we going to miss out on things? Of course!! So we decided to see if we could figure out a way to enjoy certain aspects of life and sexuality while maintaining what we had. So we began reading and researching.......a lot. A couple of books that really helped shape our beliefs were Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationship and The Ethical Slut. Blogs also helped, namely Mistress Matisse and Twisted Monk, which eventually enhanced our interest and experimentation in BDSM. We also started searching for play partners on AdultFriendFinder.

Over the next 6 months we developed an understanding and comfort level with non-monogamy. One day in particular sticks out....we were on a ferry on our way to J's mom's wedding and were sitting on the top deck with Opening Up reading through a checklist they had about what we were and weren't comfortable with (reminds me where we were for her mom's wedding and makes me sad, as they were building a cabin that was only recently finished; J and I had discussed going up there; something I just realized I will never be able to do). This helped form our initial guidelines for playing with others and eventually led to going on a couple of couple dates and playing with one couple. Unfortunately, after that life got in the way and we spent the next 8 months not really being active in any sort of activities outside of our own relationship. Not that we didn't want to, we just had too much on our plate at the time. I sometimes wonder where we'd be if we had continued to pursue it and make time for it then....would we be where we are now?

I think our step-by-step process really helped us develop a comfort level with non-monogamy; although I think we moved too slowly and never let any momentum we built up continue. I think our research and discussion really helped us become comfortable with it but our lack of experimentation stifled our progress as a couple. It took one of us taking that leap of faith to bring us to the next level.....which will be Part 2. I'm not sure yet how to discuss Part 2 as it was very emotional for me....I'm not saying I would do things differently if I had the chance to do them again, but I would've handled it differently. Nevertheless I need more time to organize my thoughts on this, once I do I'll finish our story.

Random Musings

2010-04-16T17:12:00.000-07:00

I did some reading, watched a movie and listened to some podcasts while on business in Mexico and came across words that struck me:

Brutal simplicity
Art serving capitalism
Do not feed the creatives
Fail Harder
When was the last time you felt this passionate about anything
The people that are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do
Chin dripping peaches
Fear is a powerful depressant
Creativity can solve anything
Why would you not want to love as many people as you can?

On the plane, I was reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged while listening to Ludovico Einaudi's Primavera, which gave me an incredible sense of beauty. Individually these two works can make you soar, together they're indescribable. They gave me a sense that I'm supposed to be doing something different with my life; that my life should be more meaningful than what it currently is. Almost like some part of me is missing and is waiting to be discovered. Engrossed in these works I was overcome with emotion, feeling like my heart was going to burst. Occasionally when something beautiful strikes me I'll get this feeling knowing that I can't control or contain it. I don't know if others feel this way, but it's what makes me feel that I want to give this feeling to others; I know I have the potential to do so, I just know not the means. I equate it to how Ayn Rand describes love, also making me crave it all the more, she says that love has to be earned and that you have to be worthy of someone's love and until you earn it you cannot achieve it; it will only be found once earned. Do I feel this way about love? Yes, but also about my unrestrained emotion...like I have to earn the ability to give people this feeling that erupts within.

Away

2010-04-11T13:33:00.001-07:00

I'll be away for a couple of days. I'm off to Mexico City for work and won't be returning until Thursday. My laptop will not be accompanying me on my trip as I've been told that Mexico City has some crime issues....so I will not be posting. For those of you who follow regularly I will be back writing at the end of the week. Have a great week and do something that you've never done before...challenge yourself!! It's fun and I can guarantee you won't regret it...and if you do, I'd love to hear about it. See you soon!

Comfort

2010-04-09T22:04:00.000-07:00

No matter what happens, it's amazing how comfortable you can be with someone. I had coffee and watched some TV with J tonight and at times it felt like 6 months ago; which is both good and bad. Good because I love her company more than anyone I know and bad because when you become too comfortable with someone there's no mystery. Watching TV with butterflies in my stomach; I couldn't help thinking about all of the things I wanted to tell her....wishing that we were lying in bed with my arms wrapped around her, caressing her back and baring our souls; but at the same time knowing that it could never be like that, at least not now....maybe never again. At times I could sense that she felt this too, or at least a part of it. I know we're not in a place where we can share everything with each other....from what we did during the day....to who we've been out with....to what has gone on behind closed doors; we will ever again? I'm pretty sure right now neither of us would be able to handle the truth, but I hope we will again...I see it like baby steps, you have to crawl before you walk; walk before you can run; run before you sprint; I always want to skip to the sprint...but that's not often how life works......Life is all about the process.

The World of Social Media

2010-04-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

I attended a social networking conference called F5 yesterday and while it was interesting and there were some good round table discussions, my purpose of going was to see the key-note speaker, Malcolm Gladwell. If you haven't heard of him he's written 4 books: Blink, Tipping Point, Outliers, and What the Dog Saw and also writes a regular column in the New Yorker. I find the most intriguing thing about the way he writes is that he always make you think; makes you look at the world around you and question something. Personally, I love playing the Devil's Advocate but I don't have anywhere near the talent Gladwell has. And as the key-note speaker at F5 he didn't disappoint.

Given that it was a social media conference, you'd assume that Gladwell would be speaking about the topic and you'd be right, however he talked about the cost of social media. His premise was that whenever we develop a new technology that has the potential to galvanize people we celebrate its benefits to the detriment of its costs. Inventions like the telegraph, telephone, radio and internet have taken away from our ability to interact with people on a personal level; where 50 years ago we used to have a close network of people that included our families and neighbourhood; today this network has been reduced to our family. And while twitter, facebook, and foursquare are great vehicles to get people talking they rarely turn those discussions into something that can make change.

His reasoning was that social media creates acquaintances, not friends.....creates weak ties, not strong ones...he used Obama as an example. 3 years ago no one would've given him any chance to become president, but because of his use of the internet for fundraising and getting his message out there, he propelled himself into the presidency like no other person in history; however a year after he became President he had one of the lowest approval ratings ever after his first year in office, why? Because the ties he created were weak ones that were easily broken.

Trust is such an integral part of the change, you have to trust the person you're working with and that trust can rarely be fostered at a distance, you have to know who that person is and know them in order to trust them. Think about it....if you really needed someone, how many people would stick by you? 4....5....6....maybe; and how many 'friends' on facebook do you have? Sure those 5, but probably 400-500 more. Social media gives you the ability to exercise your freedom of expression, without any of the consequences; however this sacrifices trust. It's incredibly hard to trust someone that you haven't met.

Gladwell wasn't advocating against social media, rather trying to point out its faults that are ignored due to its benefits and currently popularity. The social media platform can be used to begin revolutions....political, environmental, sexual, spiritual....however it alone cannot lead to them. Why do you think the Green Revolution in Iran failed? Social media brought people together because that group quickly fell apart because of weak ties, a lack of accountability, and trust Once a certain point is reached you have to go outside of the medium and actively get involved and not sacrifice the freedom of action for the freedom of expression as occurs so frequently.

The Art of Twisted Monk

2010-04-07T23:20:00.000-07:00

I love this man......in a strictly platonic way, of course.....makes me want to practice, practice, practice.....enjoy

Twisted Monk at Art of Restraint 3/27 from Twisted Monk on Vimeo.

Nights

2010-04-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

I've noticed recently that if I'm not out with someone all night, rather end up at home or alone by the time 10pm rolls around; I have a desire to drink. No, I don't consider myself an alcoholic, nor to I drink to excess on weekdays....occasionally it happens on weekends....but I have found myself drinking at least a bottle of wine (or equivalent) 5 nights a week. I am feeling better about J and I these days, as we've been talking as if friends (which I miss immensely), so I can't attribute it to that.....but I have been having problems sleeping if I haven't been drinking; which I don't think is all that good, but I think the fact that I'm aware of it is a step in the right direction and if I can make sure to be cognizant of this, hopefully I can adequately monitor it.

In other news, after the Spearhead concert (not John Mayer) the girl I took, I'll call her B, and I had a conversation that ended up getting into relationships. So I told her that I had been in an open relationship and her reaction was like none I've ever encountered....."My whole perspective of you has changed......" she said. She didn't give a reason as to why her perspective had changed, although we had only been out twice before so I'm not sure exactly how solidified her perspective of me could be. It may have had something to do with the fact that her and her ex, of 2 and a half years, had discussed getting into an open relationship because they had been having problems, which is absolutely the worst reason to get into one. In my opinion this would be called 'seeing other people' and not an open relationship, which occurs when 2 people love and cherish each other and see an open relationship as a way to enhance what they have and NOT to see if there's something better; at least that's the way J and I approached it after much research. In any event, I discussed how I entered into an open relationship and said while I believe in them that doesn't mean I exclude everything else; nevertheless she left quite quickly; however, over the next couple of days she continued to talk to me because I "intrigued her." In discussing this with a good friend, he said that women seem to overuse the word "intrigue" as a replacement for them being turned on, or in his words 'horny', in order to not seem slutty or too eager......I'd wondered why I'd been told this on a couple of occasions, not that I buy into his logic, but it's interesting to consider....I thought it was just because I'm very different than most people, but maybe I'm wrong, only time will tell.

Bar Discussions

2010-04-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

You know you're out late when you're walking home and the late night pizza places have already closed. Last night was one of those night and as I was walking home I was thinking about a saying from an episode of How I Met Your Mother, "Nothing good ever happens after 2am..." But I've found recently that I get into some very interesting late night conversations with completely random people after 2am....mix a lot of liquor with a lack of sleep and you get reduced inhibitions and potentially entertaining conversations. I was at a friend's bar after it closed and between cleaning, organizing, and breaking glassware (we purposely shattered at least 6 empty beer and vodka bottles on the floor...because....well....the owner said he had janitors) I had an interesting conversation about blogs, bondage, hemp and polyamory with a girl that I just met who was the sister of one of the bartenders and consequently used to work at the bar.

I'm never quite sure how these conversations start, just that they do, and that I typically start them; usually they're short-lived as the other participant is scared of the topic, but not last night. I vaguely remember talking to...let's call her G......about Monk's blog and hemp. I told her about Max's classes and how I attended one in the fall and was off at the end of April to attend another. She said she thought a lot of people were allergic to hemp, which I'm actually not too sure about, but cited it's strength and smell as it advantages in bondage and mentioned that silk and bamboo rope is also quite lovely to play with. I commented that it's not always about sex, rather it can just be about the mental aspect of being bound, which she had heard from her friend that practiced bondage. She also knew about it as an art form and the beauty of knots, which I've found to be very rare for someone living in Vancouver. G said she'd always been curious but had never been bound herself (yes I know this is the time that I should've said...well if you ever want to try....but it was 4am and my brain wasn't working that fast as I was on 4 hrs of sleep being up til 5 the previous night as well; so that will be a story for another time.....). Her curiosity was demonstrated as the owner was locking the side doors with cable which she grabbed and began winding it around my neck then my wrist....didn't know what she was doing but message received.

I also talked about the relationship between Max, Monk, and Matisse and how I learned about open relationships; but before I could get too into the discussion, she pipes up, "So you're polyamorous?" Colour me shocked! A lot of people I've talked to about open relationships, know of it as just that...open relationships. Usually when I use the word poly I get blank looks and have to explain, so I've stopped using the term in public; but G knew before I even had the chance to get there. The poly discussion didn't get very far, as the night was winding down, but that someone knows and uses the word poly in Vancouver is worth mentioning.

G told me that she should take me to a Work-less party, which I had never heard of, but she said had outrageous costumes, puppy piles, and a spanking booth......however googling it showed it to be a Canadian political party that has a mandate for such things as reducing the working day from 40 to 32 hours. Thinking this can't be what she was talking about I click on a party promo link on the website to find out that this Canadian political party DOES put on such a party....doesn't really look like something that would be up my alley, but I'd go just to experience a Canadian political party throwing a party like this. At 5 we were finally kicked out of the bar agreeing to further the discussion at a later date.....if I can remember where she said she worked.....so sometimes interesting (and not always bad) things do happen after 2am....

Franti v Mayer

2010-04-02T17:53:00.000-07:00

Last night I was at a concert headlined by John Mayer, who funnily enough doesn't have one song that I could name, so why did I go to? I went because of the special guest, Michael Franti and his band Spearhead, a group that J introduced me to during the first month of our relationship. If you haven't heard anything of their's before, check this out, Say Hey (I Love you) - not my favourite song of theirs, but right now it's their most well known:

I'd seen Spearhead twice before, both at intimate venues, which made me wary of going to see him at an 18,000 seat hockey arena. And both times I had seen him had also been with J and I had bought these tickets for her to go with me, but given our situation I figured that we probably weren't ready to get together for an event like that yet. I prefer smaller venues for live music as the atmosphere is always much better; however Franti's a different type of performer. I've never seen anyone in a venue that big get so involved with the crowd. Spearhead played for an hour and Franti spent maybe 20 minutes of that time on stage. The rest of the time he was running through the crowd giving high fives....skipping down the aisles....playing his guitar in the crowd....and for his last song he brought 40 people up on stage to sing and dance with him. If it were played in a smaller venue the energy he created would've blown the roof off the place. All I can say about his performance is unbelievable!!! I really felt bad for John Mayer, because I didn't think there was any way that he was going to be able to compete with Franti's performance....and of course he didn't. If you ever get the chance to see Spearhead in concert, whatever the venue, run don't walk....he's always fantastic!!

Solo Vacations

2010-03-31T18:04:00.000-07:00

I have this theory about how when one partner goes on a vacation without the other it often leads to the end of their relationship. As I sit here writing this, it seems like such a silly concept; however over the course of my life I've had this happen to me on 4 different occasions, 3 of which would be what I would consider my most important relationships:

- My high school girlfriend from my senior year went away over Christmas for 10-days and within 2 days of coming back broke up with me to be with another guy
- Before J I was in a relationship for a year and my partner was away in Hong Kong for 3 weeks, while I spent 10 days in Hawaii for a wedding and within 2 days of us both being back in Vancouver I broke up with her to be with J, who herself at that time was in a casual relationship with her ex
- J was in Italy for a 6-week field school, although in this case it took 7-months for the relationship to come to an end but the feelings began to build during the field school, ultimately leading to our break-up; as the time alone allowed her to discover some things about herself;

When you're younger I think the explanation is easier, you have a long life ahead of you and a short attention span. However, as you grow more mature and your relationships become more significant, you'd think that this wouldn't hold true, but my history says that it does. In the case of J, I wonder if I jinxed our relationship because when she got into the field school I said it was going to lead to the end of our relationship, which at the time worried and upset her, but maybe my belief planted a seed of doubt her mind about us. I'll never know, but I wonder about it sometimes.

As I said the concept seems silly, especially since I know lots of people who take vacations without their partners and they stay together; but what if the length of the vacation has something to do with it. For instance, if you've been together for 6 years and one partner takes a 3-week vacation they'll be fine, but what about if that vacation was 7-weeks, would the same hold true? The separation of partners can lead to them forgetting what they enjoy about each other, it gives them time to think about themselves and evaluate where there are in life so that when they get back with their partner their mind is already on to the next thing. I don't believe in soul mates, maybe if I did I would say love conquers all and it doesn't matter where in the world you are you will always love your soul mate; but I think many people in the world are never satisfied; they'll always be on the lookout for the next best thing and when given the time to think about it, it's not what they have.

I think how vacations affect relationships would make for an interesting study and if I was an anthropologist instead of a CFO, I might undertake it.

Lack of Color

2010-03-30T09:01:00.000-07:00

One of the great things about shuffling your iPod is coming across songs that you have that you haven't heard for a while. This morning one of these songs, A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie, really spoke to me. The words made me think of J and my break-up.....Enjoy....

Remaining Open....

2010-03-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

When J are I were breaking up she said she didn't think I was going to continue believing in open relationships. I try not to speculate as to why she said that but I've been thinking about why being poly works for me. It's taken me a while to get used to being alone, I still don't enjoy it but I think I'm getting used to it (and better yet the drinking and smoking alone on weekdays has almost completely ceased....as I open a bottle of wine...whoops!). Due to my not liking being alone I've been out...a lot....and as a consequence I've met or gone on dates with a number of women in the past little while. With a couple of them, I've gotten to my belief in open relationships, however the conversations haven't really progressed farther than me telling them I believe in them and that I was in one with J.

Every time I bring it up (and I will continue to do so to make sure they know they aren't changing me....women are like that sometimes) there's always a look of apprehension and a quick subject change. It's made me think about why I'm hanging out with a particular girl. After watching the Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader the other night, S said,
"I don't think I'm the girl for you."
To which I replied, "Probably not but that doesn't mean we can't hang out; that's one of the reasons I believe in open relationships. I get something from you and can get other things I need from someone else."
That ended the conversation pretty fast....

The funny thing is the more people I meet the more I believe in open relationships. I try not to compare the women I meet to J, but it's tough when I remember the things that made us so right together. Comparatively, no one I've met has even half of the things in common that J and I do. I've been out with women who don't like dogs....don't like books....don't like quotes....like cats....aren't kinky....and the funny thing is when I tell them what I believe in, you can see the gears in their head turning thinking about how they're going to change me. Ending things before anything gets too far would be the easy thing to do, but the process is way too interesting.

I've realized something about my life; I enjoy making people's lives better. Everyone I meet I want to look back years from now and say they remember me and were glad that they met me. Not because I'm going to buy them things but because I'm going to open them up to a different view of the world. Will some fall for me and get hurt? Probably, but there's nothing that I can do to avoid that. I'm open and honest and will give them all of the information they need to make an informed decision about who I am and what I'm looking for and if they decide to see me a different way, I can't help that. But in situations where that happens I believe that they will still look back and know that I enhanced their life.

What happens if I fall for someone? Maybe I'm naive but I can't see that happening, not because I know my person is out there and not with me, but because I don't need constant someone to be happy. I've only just realized this; I can be happy knowing that I've benefited someone's life through who I am. The other night my sister said S was really pretty. I replied,
"Ya she is, but she really isn't the right girl for me, I can't see us ever being together."
My sister said that my comment gave her hope in men, in that a guy could meet a hot, sexy woman who's into him but still not want to be with her. She meant it in the context of her boyfriend, who's a DJ, and is constantly bombarding with women (some of whom my sister feels are more attractive than her) but that he's not tempted because of what he has, namely my sister. It took me a while to wrap my head around it, but now I understand, and when I did I realized that because of who I am, a guy who's not just looking to hook up and move on to the next fuck...that I can offer something that I know a lot of guys out there can't. And if I can restore a little faith in men and make women think differently, not just about men but about relationships in general, I think I can be happy in life....and remaining open is a big part of that.

Happy Birthday

2010-03-27T09:10:00.001-07:00

Today is J's birthday, first one in 6 years that I won't have seen her on, let alone spent with her, and it leaves a void in my heart. I remember the first one we spent together; I had been dispatched to Saskatoon for work 2 weeks before and I made sure that the company paid for me to fly home the weekend of her birthday so that I could spend it with her. I'm the type of guy that goes overboard with presents (or at least that's what J always told me), I just always had so many ideas and didn't want to wait on something that I knew would be loved, enjoyed and cherished; life's short, why wait? Needless to say I'm at a bit of a loss today; 2 months ago I knew what I was going to get her and do for her birthday this year and knew she would've loved both; instead I had to go the way of a card and tickets to a couple of shows...great shows mind you....but not what I had in mind this year. And yes, we are trying to figure out how to be friends...is it hard? Of course it is...it's even harder seeing her only once or twice a week....but I don't think either one of us really wants the other to not be a part of their life....I know I don't.

J, whatever you're doing today; I hope you have a fantastic birthday...I'll be thinking of you.

What is a slut?

2010-03-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

Last night as I was having dinner with a friend, S, I complimented her on being sexy; which she took very negatively. "Too many guys think I'm sexy," she said and that if she's perceived as sexy then she's seen as being a slut; men look at her in a different way and treat her accordingly. There always seems to be a lot said about women being slutty and it has a very negative connotation in most circles, but why? A slut is defined by dictionary.com as "A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous." But what about men? If I sleep with 50 women, should I not be considered a slut? Given the definition I'd be sexually promiscuous, so technically yes I should be a slut, but invariably we are not; rather we're seen as studly, virile people.

If a woman has slept with 50 or 5 people what is the difference? Should there be any? I don't think so. The only distinction I may make is that the woman who's been with 50 may be more sexually experienced that the one who's only slept with 5; but even that's inaccurate. I know some women who have been with only a few guys that are much more sexually experienced than ones that have been with many. How can that be possible? Because they've had the opportunity to develop their sexuality in a few longer term relationships and reach a level that someone who's had more casual encounters cannot reach.

For instance, if a woman enjoys vanilla sex 50 times with multiple partners, while the other enjoys BDSM with 5, who then is the slut? I know many guys who would have a problem making that distinction, they might even consider both of them sluts. In my view it's neither. Both are experiencing life in their own way and is that not the point of living? And even if someone perceives you as a slut, why should that be a bad thing?

Historically a good woman is seen as someone who stays home and looks after the family, leaving the man to do what he wants...just look at the TV show Mad Men set in the ad world of the 60s. But society has changed and this historical view is no longer the case, we've evolved to the point where a woman can do anything a man can; why then should she not enjoy the same perception that a man gets when it comes to her sexuality? I can't answer that, but I told S to enjoy being who she is and live life the way she wants to; who cares what someone thinks or says about you, being sexy should be a good thing. If you don't like the way someone's treating you, leave or tell them to fuck off. I know it takes a strong person to be able to have this faith in themselves, as we are constantly bombarded with trying to fall into a certain perception society has of us and until we can get out from under those shackles I fear that people will never be completely happy with who they are, instead looking to others for acceptance.

Given its negative connotations, I think the word slut shouldn't be used, at least not in the context that it is and certainly not as a derogatory remark. But alas, I think we are a long way off from that happening. I plan to do my part and educate as many as I can that the apparent power that this word has should not continue, hopefully you agree and do the same.

TV

2010-03-23T23:18:00.000-07:00

I have many blog ideas ready to go that are completely unrelated to J and I, but seeing as today I wrote J an email regarding our condo, she's been on my mind for most of the night and this topic fits much better with my current mood; which I feel bad about as it was completely unfair to my date for Shutter Island tonight. (Quick movie review: I wasn't expecting much but it was a brilliant story and not at all as scary as the trailers made it out to be; I highly recommend it if you haven't already seen it). Poor girl kept asking if I was ok, what was wrong and how my hand was...apparently I hit something Friday night, no idea was it was but I woke up with my hand looking like this:

It's still bruised and swollen, but getting better I think....yes I'm a guy and sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

What was the point of this post again? Oh right, TV....there are some TV shows that J and I have watched religiously over the years and with the power of the PVR I'd saved our favourites since we broke up as we had planned to get together as friends and watch them. As it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon I watched one....Chuck. Now Chuck has this one character played by Adam Baldwin, Casey, who was in Firefly (TV series from Joss Whedon...ok I'm a little bit of a TV nerd) and he is fantastic....from his mannerisms to growls to delivery. This episode was no different; but it was the first time I'd watched this show without J. So when Casey delivered this one line at the end of the episode it gave me goosebumps as I could hear as clear as day J saying with a cute little smile on her lips, "I love Casey," which brought a smile to my face, while at the same time making me sad. It really is the little things like this that you don't think about until they happen and affect you like they do; strange how life works.

..Whiskey keeps me warmer than sunshine...

2010-03-22T17:46:00.000-07:00

A couple of people I know made a video for a competition they've entered for Aveda Light products, if you're interested you can check out their video here. I don't do shameless plugs, but their video did bring a song to my attention that has a fantastic beat, the full version is below.

Aloe Blacc - I Need a Dollar

Maybe it's because I've been drinking a little bit too much lately, but I really like the line "...wine is good to me it helps me pass the time, and my good old buddy whiskey keeps me warmer than sunshine...." Anyways, enjoy the song.

In my head

2010-03-22T15:07:00.000-07:00

There will always be someone in my head....since 9am this morning I had the following CarnalNation article up on my web browser waiting to be read. Just got around to reading it now and happened across the knowledge that J had read it a couple of hours a go; made me smile knowing that no matter what happens we will always have a connection. If you get the chance you should read the article, finally some good news out of the States regarding sexuality. Even gives me a little bit of hope that certain parts of the US may eventually come around and stop being so afraid of sexuality. Yes, yes I know this'll never happen, but a guy can hope, can't he?

Distracted

2010-03-21T16:41:00.000-07:00

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss

It's funny the things yoga instructors say at the end of a yoga class, the Dr. Seuss quote is just one example. I just got back from one of the worst classes I've ever been to; not because the instructor was bad but because I was incredibly distracted. I didn't have anything in particular on my mind, everything frustrated me.....the kids in the yoga studio...the almost naked man in front of me...the gong the instructor kept hitting (ok so maybe it was a little bit about the instructor). At the beginning of class, it's always said to clear your mind and leave whatever ails you outside of the studio, but today I just couldn't do it because it wasn't anything in particular just a feeling I couldn't shake. Since my last conversation with J, today was the first day that I hadn't been on the go, I spent most of the day at home with my thoughts, which for me is never a good thing. However, I do feel I'm becoming more and more used to being alone; I still don't like it but it's becoming easier. And other than a drunken text message to J late Friday night and her Saturday afternoon reply, we haven't contacted each other, which is why I'm distracted. My life is missing my person.

I think the reason that the quote spoke to me is I've always tried to live my life as openly and honestly as I could. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which isn't always a good thing, but that's me. I've never cared about what others thought of me (and still don't); if they have a problem with the person I am then they can choose to not be around me. One of the reasons I've been updating my blog so regularly is because I'm not ready to be the person I am with new people as I don't think they could handle my openness and honesty. And as I no longer have J to share myself with I needed a vehicle for that part of me; so thank-you to those that read. I also want to be able to look at this quote in the future in case I forget who I am; I don't believe I'll forget that, but just in case the brilliant Dr. Seuss will make sure to remind me.

Another End

2010-03-20T18:16:00.000-07:00

Last night J and I were supposed to get together and catch up. She was going to make tuna casserole and we were going to catch up on some of the TV shows we enjoy. I got home from work, expecting her to be there as she said she would the day before, and instead of the smells of cooking there was more emptiness than when I left that morning. Walking into the kitchen I noticed J's cacti were gone....into the bedroom the rest of her books and clothes were gone. The fact that she didn't say she was going to move the rest of her stuff and did made me think something was up. Calling her to ask if we were still hanging out; her hurried reaction was that she'd be back soon to talk, confirming my thoughts that something was indeed up.

About half an hour later she arrived and we sat down on our couch and she said, "I don't think we can be friends right now." Or something to that effect, my memory of what she said and the conversation that followed is a blur due to the emotions flowing through me. Physically I shook. Mentally I crashed. I do remember she said she thought I was waiting for her to come back to me, telling me that she made a mistake. I've had friends tell me that this will happen, but I know it won't. I know she's made up her mind and she's almost as stubborn as I am, so she won't go back on something this big; she'd never say she made a mistake. At least not to me.

I've completely regressed. Emotionally I'm back to where I was 4 weeks ago, when we first broke up and I lost my partner; now I've lost my best friend......the person I want to tell everything, who's advice I trust and who gets me. I'm not sure which one is worse. Her timing is ironic as in the past week I've begun to feel better emotionally. My friends tell me that she knew what she was doing and waited for just the right time to hurt me more....a normal girl may do so, but J is far from normal and knowing her as I do I know she would never do that. What's curious though is what changed between Thursday and Friday. She said she'd been thinking but on Thursday she was asking if she could come over earlier and begin cooking for us and on Friday we can't be friends? That's the thing that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I don't have a right to this information, but I wonder what it is that she's not telling me. I know something must have happened to get her to that point, it'll be a mystery in my life I'm sure.

The state of our future friendship has been left up to her. I told her that when she wants to talk or see me to get in touch with me. I'll leave her alone. Hopefully, if she wants to be friends again I'll be in a place where I'll want to be friends with her too. My fear is that I won't. I'm leaving our contact up to her and knowing how bad she is at keeping in touch with some of her friends, I have this sinking feeling that we'll never be friends again.

On the bright side of yesterday's events, I know that there's not much else that can happen to bring me down any further.

Practice

2010-03-19T09:59:00.000-07:00

One of my regrets in my relationship with J was that we didn't spend enough time playing with rope. After taking a class by Max in Seattle we discovered it's something that we both really enjoyed. While we were together I had a bit of a complex about playing with rope because I wasn't as confident in it as Z was, which made it hard for J to get into the correct headspace needed to really enjoy it with me. Of course, confidence is bred by practice and as we didn't practice much, my confidence didn't grow. Being in a poly relationship I hoped that I would have been able to find a secondary partner that would allow me to develop my skills that I could bring back to my primary partner. The problem with that is it takes a while to develop the comfort and trust with someone to let them tie you up and I unfortunately wasn't able to find that while J and I were together.

I still enjoy rope but have not moved on enough to find someone that I can practice with, I'm sure it'll come someday but in the meantime I've been trying to figure out how I can continue to grow this part of my life. Enter Max again. When we went to his class last October I was put on his email list, so the other day I received an email about a 2-Day Bondage Intensive class at the Center for Sex Positive Culture (CSPC) in Seattle. My first concern was my lack of a practice partner to attend with, I considered asking J but know that we're not at that point as friends/partners or whatever we'll end up as for it to be comfortable, so I emailed Max. In his reply he said that 1/3 to 1/2 arrive without a practice partner and small groups are formed for people to practice together so coming without a practice partner is not a problem at all. Hearing this I signed up. [When J and I were together we had discussed going to this class back in November, but due to the suspension aspect of it we were hesitant; but I figure that if I'm going to improve on my skills in this field of BDSM I may as well jump in head first.] I'd previously considered (and may still do so) getting private lessons with Max so a 2-Day class is a good start. I'm a little nervous about attending an event like this solo, luckily it's not for another month, so I have a while to turn my nervous excitement into excitement.

For the class I was required to buy another 275' of rope (thank-you Monk!), among other things....methinks a new rope drawer will be needed.

Delivery

2010-03-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

Today I received a delivery of a couple of toys that I bought before J and I broke up; a 3-ft spreader bar and a hitachi magic wand. These were to be used in play with J, which will not be happening any time soon, if ever. So I'm on the fence....do I keep them or send them back? If I keep them, I'm sure that I'll find someone at some point that I will play with them with; but on the other hand will they remind me of J and bring up memories of what I wanted to do with her. It's a dilemma that I haven't fully worked through yet, but it's something that's been on my mind today.

What Women Want

2010-03-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to get out and meet people, women mainly (a guy at the age of 30 trying to pick up a guy as a new friend, is just a little weird, no?), not because I want to meet people or get into a relationship with anyone but just to have someone to talk to....a warm body. Something I've noticed though is that in meeting women, they aren't really interested in who I am, I ask them a question and they'll talk and talk and talk. They don't seem to care or want to ask me anything and if they do they don't remember it when next we talk...in one ear and out the other. In one way that's good because I'm not in a place where I want to share myself with anyone nor discuss my past, but on the other hand I feel guilty because I feel like I'm using them. While I'm not lying to them, I am not disclosing the whole truth and I sometimes get the feeling that they're looking at me like, "hey, here's an attractive, successful guy, who knows where it could lead." I don't feel like I'm lying to them, because they don't ask; which makes me feel a little better. I know if they asked the question I wouldn't skirt the subject, instead tell them where I'm at (I might avoid the warm body comment however) and that my heart belongs to another and that I'd give anything to be able to hold her like I used to.

While I don't feel like I'm moving on, I don't feel like I'm cheating either. I think that's because J and I were in an open relationship and were allowed to date other people while together. I almost feel like we're apart but not really apart. Like we're just separated by a distance that seems much farther than it is. I know deep down that this isn't the case, but it's a feeling I occasionally have, like one day we're just going to fall back together. It is fleeting though...she's beginning to not return my, "I love yous," which in reality I probably shouldn't say anymore, because it hurts when she doesn't return it; but it almost hurts more not to say what's inside of me. I know she won't say it first and the occasional time she says those words bring a smile to my heart, even though I know she probably only says it to appease me.....wow that was a tangent; ok back on topic.....

Are most women like this and I've just been away from the single life for too long? Or have I just happened across women who are too into themselves or have too many drama issues? I don't know, I guess I will only find out in time. Being a good listener is not a bad thing and I just have to be prepared for the question when and if it comes because if I continue seeing the same people I'm sure it'll come up at some point, or will it? Maybe listening will help me figure out what exactly it is that women want; but probably not.

Puppy sitting

2010-03-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

With J out of town for school, I spent the weekend looking after our dog. She's been with me in our condo doing the things we used to do before her and J moved out; go for walks, the park, running up down the hallway after thrown toys. But there's a change in her during the in between times. She used to stand and stare at me or lie on the floor, but now all she does is pace the room whining or go lie in her kennel. It's like she's upset with me. It's funny how pets can sense change and the moods of a house. Her actions have been very unnerving to me, so I didn't spend a lot of time home with her, which I feel a little bad about. Instead I was out til 430 Friday and 230 Saturday......my liver hates me.

On Friday it was a friend's birthday and after he drank too much and vanished (rather quickly I might add) I stopped at a night club and another friend and I shared a bottle of stoli. All in I figured I had 27 beverages.....Saturday was not a fun day for my head but for some reason while watching the hockey game with a couple of friends I was quickly 5 beer in and off to a lounge my friend runs, Lux. I walk in and there's 20 girls that I went to high school with (some even from elementary!) who were there for a bachelorette. One of the girls I had a crush on all throughout high school....first girl I ever asked out. I remember sitting in my basement calling her and asking her out in grade 8.....which led to another first, my first rejection. Last night she was very drunk and appeared overly interested in everything I had to say, which coupled with her newly enhanced breasts (I've been told she loves to show them off) I'm sure one thing could've led to another, but I was not about to be that guy that crashed a bachelorette party, so as they went off to their next venue I settled comfortably into a bar stool and had 7 vodka sodas....all doubles. Luckily this morning wasn't as rough as yesterday but I didn't accomplish anything that I wanted to this weekend....I guess that's what the week is for.

Beliefs

2010-03-12T12:48:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of yoga recently, started in January not as a New Year's Resolution (I don't believe in them) just as something new to experience. And in 2 months it's almost completely replaced the gym as my daily workout. The only thing that I can't buy into is the spiritual aspect of it. The belief that we are connected with each other and the earth through our energy, a mantra that gets touched on in some fashion by every yoga teacher I've had. I know I'll never buy into this believe, however, it did get me thinking about the history of my beliefs.

I've never had a lot of deep rooted beliefs, when I was growing up I didn't believe in religion, a higher power, love, marriage, children, charity, passion....or any other of the major beliefs that people seem to have. I chalk it up to growing up without a mom and with a father who, while was very caring, was also a workaholic; leaving me to effectively raise my sister (along with the help of various housekeepers). As I grew up I developed a belief of logic, morality (although this wavers from time to time) and love. Given recent events I've begun to question the few beliefs that I have and whether I can still believe in them. [Morality is always a gray area for me, what is moral to one person can easily be immoral to another....maybe it can't even be called a belief, a discussion for another time perhaps]

When I was growing up I never thought I'd find love, I always felt I'd end up alone (and in a way I wanted that). I think the feeling came from the fact my mom died when I was 7 and her mom died when she was 11; leaving me with the vision that men (namely my dad and grandfather) were meant to be alone. However, as my relationships developed I began to think that I could believe in love. The partner I had before J, was a sweet, loving, asian girl whom I loved but she was very much set on getting married, which I knew I could never buy into, swiftly ending our relationship. In J I found a love that was so special, so strong, so resilient that I was sure it would last forever; and in some ways I'm sure it will. But I think my belief in love is fading; the belief that love conquers all or love is all you need; to quote the Beattles. I'm falling back to where I was growing up, the feeling that I'm meant to be alone. That's not to say that I won't have relationships, won't connect with people, but I won't ever love the person I'm with; which logically will lead to me being alone. Now I'm not saying I don't have hope that my belief in love will return; it's that I don't want to let someone back into my heart like that.

And what about logic? Well as you can see I still believe in that...

Shaving Tips

2010-03-11T10:56:00.000-08:00

If you've recently received a DUI and had your license revoked, what do you do? Shave your pubes while driving of course. According to CarnalNation that's exactly what Megan Barnes did. I can understand being late for a date and trying to do your make-up or hair en route....maybe a little tricky but it's done all the time. But taking a razor your pubic region while driving under a revoked license, that's a little much, not to mention potentially painful....has she never heard of razor burn?!?! Even if her attempted grooming were a success, I can't imagine that her date wouldn't know that it was a rushed job; there are some areas just unavailable for grooming while seated in the driver's seat. (If a lady out there can prove me wrong let me know, as I can only test the theory from a male's perspective.) I can understand why her ex-husband is no longer with her; but what is he doing in the car assisting her with her endeavor?

Reindeer Section

2010-03-10T12:31:00.000-08:00

Reindeer Section - Your Sweet Voice

Listening to Gary Lightbody's Reindeer Section after JAG recommended it to me. This is one song that wasn't recommended but so far I think it's my favourite and really makes me think of and miss J....apparently I love to torture myself.

Filling the void

2010-03-09T02:19:00.000-08:00

I've seen C a couple of times now and she's a really sweet girl, but I'm using her to fill a void in my life. She now knows that I'm recently out of a long term open relationship, however I have not (and don't plan to) get into any details other than that. I feel bad using her as I don't like to use people, but with her knowing a little bit about my past I tell myself that she knows what she's getting herself into; I just hope I'm right. The few times I've been with C I know it's just to have someone there to talk to....to listen to; but in doing so it only makes me miss J more. My mind constantly wandering to what she's doing, how her evening's going, what we'd be doing if she were with me right now. Does it make me a bad person to want someone around? I told J that I'm dating so soon not only to fill the void she's left but also to find something else in my life. The years we spent together I lived for us, for our future. That was my goal in life; everything I did was to advance our dream....a house we built together and 4-5 large dogs....now I'm struggling to find something....anything to live for. I know filling the void only lasts for a couple of hours, but it allows me to be in the moment and not grasping for something that's no longer there. It's felt like months since J and I broke up by it was only 2 weeks ago yesterday that she asked me to move back into our homey. In time I'll find something new to live for....a new goal....but until then I know that I will just be filling the gigantic void in my life.

Another First

2010-03-07T21:52:00.001-08:00

I had a delayed family birthday celebration tonight at one of my oldest family friend's houses. The first time in 6 years that I have been alone for one of these. This family friend has been like a surrogate mother to me since my mom passed away when I was 7, she's the closest thing to a mom I had while growing up. Driving over, tears stained my face and my shirt as I tried to figure out how I was going to tell her that J and I broke up. The ability to control my emotions as I approached the driveway did little to stop the explosion of emotion that hit as soon as I entered the front door and said the words. She hugged me as a mother would, doing little to ease the anguish of my soul. I told her the abridged version of our break-up and she comforted me. I was able to contain myself as my family began to arrive and as people slowly trickled in the questions of where J was began, not being able to get into it with everyone around I said she couldn't make it; hoping that that would end the discussion and it did.

Eating Chinese food and watching the Oscars I periodically zoned out.....as people laughed and talked around me I felt like I was alone in the room; my brain took over wondering where and what J was doing....wishing she were with our family. I tried as much as I could to have her be a part of it, texting her some results of the Oscars, but it's never the same. I sometimes wonder if I'm drawing this out needlessly; am I making this harder on myself by trying to keep in touch with J as I do? I just don't to admit that our lives are no longer intertwined...I can't. I still care and love her too much. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....I only hope that's true.

Moving Day #2

2010-03-07T10:26:00.000-08:00

I spent yesterday helping J get furniture for her new place. We started with a queen box spring and mattress, which brought back memories of 5 years ago when J and I picked the king size bed that we spent our life together sleeping in. Lying in beds, testing their comfort I wondered if I'd ever get the chance to spend the night in this bed. Would we ever get back to that point? Neither one of us know what the future brings, but testing beds was fun, there wasn't any tension or stress bubbling under the surface. Bed shopping reminded my of how good we were together, without stress or tension. Just that we could be.

Next up was Ikea, the place we spent countless hours shopping, buying 95% of our furniture. I tried to give her space and let her come to me for advice, rather than following her every move, nevertheless an hour in, she looked at me at said, "I think this was a bad idea." Both of us were feeling the strain of memories....seeing the furniture that resides in our home scattered around the store. But we continued, knowing that this had to be done. No matter how much hurt it brought it was a necessary evil. Leaving 4 hours after we began, we went to J's apartment to build and unpack.

We mostly avoided the topic of us, instead focusing on the move and the week's plans. The only show of emotional strain was when we attempted to separate our sex toy drawer at home. The easy ones were the insertables, because...well...sanitation. When it came to rope, emotions took over and we had to stop with J in tears and me on the verge. I let her have our first piece a 15-ft 6mm piece of violet bought together at Seattle's Babeland, which began our love of rope. She also said she wanted the 30-ft 8mm piece of black rope, that was from my first order from Twisted Monk. She has more memories of it than I do, so I told her to take it. I think this was harder that anything else that we had to separate because of its intimacy. I remember each sex toy I bought and why...what my thinking was behind it....whether it was success or failure. And as I handed them to J, a little piece of me felt like it was being torn out; a memory never to be evoked again.

12 hours after we began, we were finished. With a new bed and dresser, J's place is closer to her home. She will always be my home. I will at peace, comfortable whenever I'm with her. Like everything is right in the world. I could be anywhere but as long as I was with her I would feel a sense of home. At the end of the day I asked her if she had changed her mind about shopping with me being a bad idea and she said she had...bringing a smile to my heart. While the day was indeed difficult I think it reminded us both of how we can be together, the love we still have. J needs to find single her....and I hope that she does. While I will never wait for her, I hope that we will be able to be together again because I know know woman better than her.

Empty Home

2010-03-05T09:23:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first night that I was really home by myself all night since J left....first time grocery shopping.....first time doing the laundry....washing the bed sheets. Needless to say it was a tough night, especially when most of the clothes in the laundry were her tank tops left clean in the basket. How do I cope? A bottle of Chianti and a new playlist that I listened to all last night and am continuing to do so this morning:

Oh! - Micky Green
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
You Could be Happy - Snow Patrol
Make This go on Forever - Snow Patrol
Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol
Chocolate - Snow Patrol
Run - Snow Patrol
Warning Sign - Coldplay
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
Mad World - Donnie Darko Soundtrack
So Here We Are - Bloc Party
To Be Alone with you - Sufjan Stevens
Family Tree - Dear Science
Falling Slowly - The Frames

I don't want our home to no longer smell like J, already walking into our 2nd bedroom that doubled as her study it smells musty like it hasn't been lived in. It lacks the sweet smell of Chloe that it once carried; how I miss its lingering scent in our home....miss the fragrance of her neck.....her smell. It's amazing what you miss when you have lost, things you never thought you'd miss or didn't even know were there. Every morning I wake up with sadness because I used to get a hug from J before I left for work, no matter what state of sleep she was in.....almost 5 years of unbroken morning hugs; that's hard to get over.

Tear the World Apart

2010-03-04T10:18:00.000-08:00

A feeling of destruction has been building in me; the need to destroy something, a craving of pain, of blood. When I was younger I used to see how slowly I could draw a knife along my arm. I always found serated knives the most functional because you could feel each seration biting into the skin as it was drawn across skin. I remember once I was sitting in the corner of my TV room while two friends (who were into each other) were playing on the computer. A feeling of anguish that I couldn't handle overwhelmed me. I began lightly drawing a knife across my left arm, slowly building the pressure as the blade caught the skin. For half an hour this went on until blood was running in a thin line along my forearm. Whether it was a cry for help or not I don't know, but the scar still resides on my arm as a memory of the feeling. Yes, I am a masochist.

I've managed to hold back that urge for the last few weeks resorting to depressants and trying to put a hole through my elevator. I've always wondered what it would be like to put my hand through something, like a window or wood or even the feeling of my fist against some unsuspecting person's face, but for some reason I have been able to restrain myself. I crave the external physical pain because I can see it heal, while the internal anguish never seems to. Hopefully, this craving will wane, but I worry what it means if it does.

CellarDoor

2010-03-04T03:08:00.000-08:00

"This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful. "

Watched a movie with the same girl I had drinks with last night and since I may see her again, let's call her C. Now other than being completely opposite of my type and that she talked during probably my favourite and most important movie; she's a very fun girl. Being with her finally made me see what J felt our relationship had been lacking, passion, and passion cannot be forced. Our sex life had become too routine, too forced. When she left me, it had become mechanical almost. I can understand why what she had with Z was and is so fun and exciting. It was what we once had, and tonight was the first time in a long time that I remembered what we had and how it happened.

I did what I always meant to do with J, control the situation, but with J I always fell short due to fear that it wasn't going to work. I forgot how to read her, forgot how to spend time understanding her moans and sighs....trying too hard to get to the act of sex and when something didn't work I got frustrated. Sex and foreplay is supposed to be fun, not serious, with breaks to talk or laugh or get a drink of water (as needed) I can now see, or at least begin to see where I was at fault and why we weren't clicking. I guess J knew what she was talking about.....why do I ever question?

As I grow alone I think my understanding of this will grow also, so that if there ever is a chance for J and I again, I will understand what she needs and wants and I will be able to give it to her or anyone else for that matter.

2010-03-03T14:34:00.000-08:00

You Could be Happy by Snow Patrol

Thank-you to a reader who turned me on to this song. I'd never heard it before and I can now agree that a box of tissues is needed; definitely fits my mood of late.

Blog Future

2010-03-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

About a week ago I said I may stop this blog, however I will rescind that. In light of what's happened between J and I; I don't think I will ever be able to open up to someone again...at least not in the foreseeable future. I have always enjoyed sharing my thoughts and emotions with someone and if I can't give that to any one individual I will give that here to the blogging world.

First Date?

2010-03-03T01:18:00.000-08:00

In trying to move on slash not spend time at home thinking about J I went out for drinks with a girl I met Saturday night. She's taller than girls I would normally date, but she's also a former cruise ship dancer, so figuring she could be entertaining, so why not. Went to a place I'd never been to before BIN 941, nice little bar with a good selection of wines by the glass. I don't usually try a wine that I'm unfamiliar with, but I did tonight...why deviate? Well when there's a wine called Dirty Laundry how could you not? How was it? Surprisingly good, given its name.

So we're sitting there having some wine and getting to know each other when the couple at the table next to us starts going at it. I'm talking full-on, get a room make out session. It took less than 5 minutes for the whole bar, staff included, to be staring at them. giggling like school children. I love a little PDA now and then but c'mon people come up for some air!!! They never got the point and continued until we left.

So as she's telling me about her life, her dreams, and her past, I notice a song softly in the background....losing all focus of the conversation as I realize its Arcade Fire and Neighborhood #4, one of J's Italia songs. As my date continues talking I strain to hear the beat resonating, wanting nothing more than to reach into the pocket of my jacket and put the song on to remember. For the rest of the night I'm distracted.

As we leave and I walk her home, the song is still on my mind. Reaching her steps I kiss her good night, hoping for some sort of spark...a feeling that leaves me wanting more; a feeling I have every time I kiss J....but it doesn't come; it just makes me miss her more.

Finally listening to the song, I come to a stop and look to my left knowing that J is only 4 blocks away; wanting nothing more than to go to her, call her, hold her....but I can't. Even walking past her apartment would torture me...quickly I turn and head towards home.

Moving Day...

2010-03-01T23:00:00.000-08:00

Today I spent 12 hours helping J move out of what was once our home....it'll always be our home, but now I'm living in it as a bachelor. While moving; things once forgotten are found bringing a rush of memories back to your consciousness. Tears were shed on both sides at least once every 45 minutes, sometimes lasting as long as the time in between. Me finding a bottle of olive oil we bought together in Nice a couple of years ago.......her lying in what was once our bed bought 2 months after we met......me separating cooking utensils that were purchased together over the years as J's love of cooking and baking grew and grew. During one of these emotional outbursts she says to me, "I know this isn't what either of us want, but I know it's what I need." I wanted to shout, "But what about what I need? What about what I want?" But she knows what I want and need and her decision has been made and I respect that.

The walk to her new apartment is only 15 minutes, but it seems like she's moved to another planet. I helped her set-up what was once our pull-out couch until she gets a proper one...hoping against hope that Z isn't going to spend the night with her tonight, but knowing how she has drawn strength from him during the past couple of weeks, I only see that continuing tonight and writing this now, brings tear to my eye.

I know why she left...she needs to experience life on her own; but that doesn't mean I will ever understand it. I will always want to give her the world and will never love another as I love her. But life moves on....I do not believe that our book is finished but we have entered a new chapter....and hopefully before our book is over; we will again find each other. But I also know that neither of us will wait for the other (as it should be) and the thought that I've lost her forever weighs on my deeply. But if we do ever find each other again, I know that we will be stronger than ever.

J will never know how much I love her because words cannot express how I feel. I will always be there for her and her family. J, I love you....

[I apologize for the recent string of melodramatic entries, but my life has thrown me a curve these last couple of week. I will say this however; the Olympics recently passed through my town and just because my life was (and is) in turmoil doesn't mean I didn't get a chance to partake in the festivities....stay tuned]

Bittersweet Gold

2010-02-28T15:45:00.000-08:00

Watching Crosby slide the game winning goal underneath Ryan Miller's pad for the final gold medal of the Vancouver Olympics will be something I'll be able to tell friends and family for years to come. But as I sat there watching the Canadian team receive their medals tears of sadness welled up inside of me, drinking cold water was all I could do to prevent the tears from staining my cheeks. I realized that the one person who I wished I could be celebrating this victory with was celebrating it somewhere else with someone else. As I sat watching thousands of fans cheer for Canada all I could think about was J and how much I wished I could shared this moment with her; I'd give anything for that chance.

Home now listening to raucous cheering in the streets; the tears flow freely with a feeling of loneliness I never thought possible. Tomorrow I help her move out of what was once our home. Congratulations Canada.....bittersweet, indeed.

The End

2010-02-25T00:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday my 20s ended and today my 5 and a half year relationship with J ended. She was, is, and forever will be the love my my life and I hers, but she needs to be alone at this point in her life and I wish her all the best and hope that she finds what she's looking for. I truly hope we cross paths again in life because I know that she will always have a piece of my heart. I love you J and hope life treats you well.

This may also mean the end of my blog, as I'm not sure if my heart will be in it anymore. I'm not sure how many loyal readers are out there, but if you enjoy reading I thank-you and hope that in time I will find the will to write again.

Missing...

2010-02-18T22:52:00.001-08:00

It's funny what you miss when you're not at home; living in a foreign bed and a foreign house. Especially when this was a time when I was supposed to be experiencing the Olympic spirit in my home town. As I write this I'm watching and listening to fireworks erupt at one of the Olympic venues and am reminded of a date long ago that led to so much joy in my life. Makes me long for the day and reminds me that I should be at that venue watching the sky light up. I imagine sitting outside bundled up in the cold with someone I'm in love with...with that same person wandering the city as alive as it is after a home town hockey win. It really is surprising what you miss when you're not home. You'd never think that things as routine as putting away the dishes....making salad.....feeding the dog.....watching TV.....would make you feel loss, but they do. It's an incredibly strange and foreign feeling, and one that I hope will end soon.

What Makes a Relationship Tick?

2010-02-18T01:17:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine asked me the other day why I am in an open relationship and I said because 1) I believe everyone has the capacity to love more than one person, 2) that a friendship can be enhanced by the physical act of sex (and you can probably learn a thing or two to bring back to your primary relationship), and 3) that I don't believe you can get everything you need in life from just one person.

It was that last point that was the most contentious to him. He said, "Well then you just haven't me the right girl yet." To which I responded, "Yes, yes I have." But it got me thinking, is there something that is necessary in a relationship for it to work. Say for instance you have 100 things that makes the perfect relationship and you found someone who can give you 99 of those things. What 1 thing would it take for that relationship to not work? I had a friend end a relationship that was perfect, except for religion.....but what else? Trust, companionship, passion, lust, likes, dislikes, the ability to talk about nothing at all, social views, sports.....the list can go on and on.

The supposed beauty of an open relationship is that you can have most of the things you need and obtain the others from another partner. But even in that situation is there one thing that would make you want to be with your secondary partner more than your primary one?

So that's my question. What one thing do you need above all others in order for your relationship to work?

If you have an answer please leave it as a comment, I'd love to do a follow-up post discussing people's responses.

2010-02-14T18:57:00.000-08:00

I walk into a place that once felt like home, standing in a place I see things that once brought me comfort.....remnants of a dinner I used to be a part of.........2 plates, neither of which is mine......a dog in her kennel, whom I can't bring myself even to look at.....an unmade bed, that I didn't have any part of.....The feeling overcomes me and I fall to the bedroom floor tears running down my face as my body is racked with sobs. Composing myself I head to the fridge for the reason I came. I make it to the front door bread pudding in hand, the feeling of loss, of emptiness erupts within me again. Slouching to the floor the tears come again. Five, ten, fifteen minutes...how long have I been here? Time no longer makes sense. Looking up at the bread pudding on the counter brings a pang of sadness, willing myself to my feet it goes back into the fridge as the thought of the night it was made makes the thought of eating it unbearable. Noticing the time makes me wonder how long I've been here, remembering my promise of space makes me vacate quickly. Standing on the sidewalk, the Olympic crowds milling about me as if I'm invisible. Not knowing where to go, what to do, I stand still as time passes. Olympic joy on people's faces brings stark contrast to the lack of feeling inside me. A coffee shop chair beckons and I sit. Time moves quickly...or slowly....and again I wonder how long have I been sitting...thinking that there must be something I'm supposed to be doing but nothing comes to mind, so I sit....waiting for what I do not know.

Your Person

2010-02-11T15:39:00.000-08:00

While I don't believe in soul mates nor that there is one person that can satisfy every need a individual has; I do believe that each of us has a person. Someone who you want to share everything with....someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.......someone you will always love the most and they you.....someone who will no matter what, always have a piece of your heart. With 6 billion people in the world (and growing), most people will never find their person, but for those of us lucky enough to find theirs we count ourselves blessed.

Finding your person does not guarantee you happiness, however; the relationship still needs to be worked on. It doesn't come as naturally as you might think. While you know what you want in the future, the present may be a different story. And while your person is yours for life you might not be for you right now. And that's the dilemma. How do you live knowing who your person is but that maybe you can't be with them today. Because if you are together today, the future you want and envision may not be there for you later on in life; but if you're not together today, there's no guarantee you will be able to be together in the future.

I count myself as one of the blessed few, however this is my dilemma....I wonder if my person and I are right for each other now and if we're not will there ever be a chance for us again?

Music

2010-02-08T11:07:00.000-08:00

Someone turned me on to this song the other day and I can't seem to stop listening to it.... Falling Slowly by the Frames, which won an Oscar for best song in 2008:

Sometimes I wonder why we listen to sad and depressing music when you're feeling that way. It just feeds the fire, but I guess we are all gluttons for punishment. 2 other songs I can't seem to stop listening to when I'm feeling that way is Run by Snow Patrol and Mad World from the Donnie Darko soundtrack.

A Mormon Adventure

2010-02-02T10:07:00.000-08:00

I spent the last 3 days in Orem, Utah; heart of Mormon country. When I was in Vegas a couple of months ago I had a brief encounter with a Mormon girl; well since that trip I've remained in contact with her and went to visit her this past weekend. I now know more than I ever thought I would about Mormons. Once I catch up on a couple of things here in Vancouver I'll put a post together...hopefully tomorrow. Needless to say it's an experience I won't soon forget.

Meet Roxxxy

2010-02-02T09:59:00.000-08:00

So last week I had a post about a robot sex doll, well now it's gone mainstream. Here's CNN's take on it. While Roxxxy's full release is months away, over 20,000 people have already inquired about her. And apparently she actually shudders to simulate orgasms; do you think she fakes them as well?

Robot Sex dolls...3D Porn...the future is here!!

2010-01-24T12:03:00.000-08:00

I came across this article about high-tech sex that discusses what may be the beginning of full functioning robot sex dolls a la Daryl Hannah in Blade Runner. Of all the technology that you see in futuristic movies...flying cars, ray guns, teleportation.....was there ever any question that the sex industry would be one of the first to develop the technology envisioned? Sex helped drive the popularity of VHS, DVDs, and the internet; could fully functioning humanoid robots be next? Now I'm pretty sure that it won't happen anytime soon but given the history of the industry's impact on technology I wouldn't be surprised if it happened sooner rather than later; and I don't think anyone could question whether or not there's a market for it. And once these begin to be mass produced isn't it only a matter of time before fully functioning robots are living amongst us? Now I'm all about new tech, but after seeing the movie Surrogates the idea kind of freaks me out.

The idea of a robot specifically designed for sex could lead to all sorts of speculation; from regulation to ethics to its impact on today's sex worker. I feel like this topic could be discussed ad nauseam, so for now I'll leave it there. If you have any theories or questions I'd love to further this discussion it in a future post so leave a comment if you're interested.

The article also touches on 3D porn; which given the recent success of Avatar could work. [Funnily enough J and I saw Avatar before I read this article last night and briefly discussed the impact that this could have in porn.] The 3D TV that the article mentions seems pretty pricey at $4,000 but couldn't you imagine people flocking to this tech, especially if the TVs could be used for other 3D programs? It would also change the way porn was shot to ensure certain body parts didn't pop out at the viewer.....imagine the reaction when a cock jumps off the screen at someone expecting their favourite female part of the anatomy. Now this hopefully wouldn't bother most men but I know a couple who would cringe at the thought. For example, a friend of mind only watches lesbian porn because he can't stand the sight of cock; I've always wondered what happens when we goes to the bathroom? I also imagine clean-up would be a bitch; what with people trying to cum on the breasts of their favourite adult film star.