Another First

I had a delayed family birthday celebration tonight at one of my oldest family friend's houses. The first time in 6 years that I have been alone for one of these. This family friend has been like a surrogate mother to me since my mom passed away when I was 7, she's the closest thing to a mom I had while growing up. Driving over, tears stained my face and my shirt as I tried to figure out how I was going to tell her that J and I broke up. The ability to control my emotions as I approached the driveway did little to stop the explosion of emotion that hit as soon as I entered the front door and said the words. She hugged me as a mother would, doing little to ease the anguish of my soul. I told her the abridged version of our break-up and she comforted me. I was able to contain myself as my family began to arrive and as people slowly trickled in the questions of where J was began, not being able to get into it with everyone around I said she couldn't make it; hoping that that would end the discussion and it did.

Eating Chinese food and watching the Oscars I periodically zoned out.....as people laughed and talked around me I felt like I was alone in the room; my brain took over wondering where and what J was doing....wishing she were with our family. I tried as much as I could to have her be a part of it, texting her some results of the Oscars, but it's never the same. I sometimes wonder if I'm drawing this out needlessly; am I making this harder on myself by trying to keep in touch with J as I do? I just don't to admit that our lives are no longer intertwined...I can't. I still care and love her too much. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....I only hope that's true.