S/M Tendencies

Over the past couple of weeks I'm beginning to get a much better understanding of where my S/M tendencies lie. J has always called me a masochist because of certain things that I continually do to myself:
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring

These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.

On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.

How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.