J's having a tough time tonight because it's the 1 year anniversary of her getting her Italia acceptance letter. That letter led to a change in how she looks at everything including our relationship. I know we'll never be able to go back to how things were, or even if we could, would we want to? I ache for her but I also ache for things that I have lost...miss. Does this make me selfish? I feel like it does as these tears run down my cheeks. These past 5 months have brought so much change into our lives and while a lot of the change has been good, I miss where we were. I don't believe in soul mates but if I did J would be mine. I ache because I know that I can never share these feelings with her or anyone else, because no one else would or could understand them. People always look at the surface and say, well maybe you shouldn't be in an open relationship; but that's not it. It goes so much deeper than that, I can barely understand it, let alone explain it. And I don't know what's going to happen when her and Z go back to Italy together in the summer, but the thought of feeling again what I felt last year is almost too much to bear, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, hurts my soul, tears at my heart. Sometimes I wish it could be torn out of my chest because the pain that that would cause would be welcome as it would pale in comparison to the pain I feel now and will feel, yet I know it's what J needs and if it comes at a price, I understand the price and am ready for it...at least I think I am. Sometimes I wonder if the pain is worth it? Is being strong worth it? Because the cowardly thing to do would be to run, run away and never think about it again. Sometimes it's so tempting, but the thought of who I'd give up, who I'd leave and the future I know we'll have together makes me stay, gives me strength. It's a constant internal battle, I don't even know which side is which only that it feels at times like it's tearing me apart. I won't even ever make this post public, it's just something that needs to be written down and out of my head and well I can type a heck of a lot faster than I can write.

I wrote this almost 2 weeks ago and never expected to post it, but rereading it tonight for the first time makes me certain that it should. It was written in a time of intense emotion and feeling and well, what else is blog for than to spill your soul to the world, lol.