As a follow-up to what I said in my last post, here are some links to discussions, blogs and such surrounding the Alexa DiCarlo situation in case you're interested in reading about how a man (allegedly) ended up tricking people due to the anonymity allowed by technology. Regardless of whether or not these allegations are true, the 'real' Alexa Di Carlo was able to hide she/her/it real identity because she would never reveal herself in public.
Sexademic - Why the Alexa Di Carlo thing matters
Carlie Glickman - The Downfall of Alexa Di Carlo
Expose a Bro
Monday, October 25, 2010
Technology, Privacy, and Polyamory
At a talk by Christopher Ryan, author of Sex At Dawn, at the CSPC last night a question was asked regarding whether or not technology (Facebook was used as the example) could lead to a return to less private lives that we once led as hunter gatherers. If you haven't read the book.....quick, drop everything run to the store and buy it.....kidding, sort of....one of the ideas centers around how hunter gatherers operated in groups to survive. Each of these 100 or so member groups shared everything and for the most part interacted very minimally with individuals outside of their group and when I say they shared everything, I mean everything ....from child rearing, hunting, cooking, gathering, partners, etc. As a result, the amount of privacy each individual had was minimal at best and with everyone knowing everyone there were really no issues with people sleeping with other members of the group. Of course the book delves into much more detail than I am here, but a little background is necessary to understand the question at hand.
Ryan said that he hadn't considered the impact of technology on privacy and how that might relate to non-monogamy becoming more accepted or as a return to our evolutionary roots but he did mention anonymity, which got me thinking. While it's true technology can reduce the amount of privacy we have, it can also increase the level of anonymity as the individual behind the online persona has discretion as to the information released. I would think that this potential would serve to increase the level of privacy. Think about it.....if you believe someone is lying about who they are, would that not reduce the amount of information you would allow them to see? For most people I would think that it would. Without getting side tracked too much, think about how the Alexa DiCarlo's fake online persona is going to affect people looking for online sex advice (if you're not familiar with HIM, she/him/it was the author of the Real Princess Diaries; now suspended. Here's Mistress Matisse's take in her Control Tower column from January, another one from Carnal Nation and a third from the Sexademic). Now think about yourself...given the above information about an apparent sex worker who provided advice purporting to be an expert, would it change how private you were with the information? Probably.
Technology does serve to bring people with similar interests together, however the potential for anonymity will increase privacy. If you're able to meet someone in person that you've met online a bond can be established and a reduction in privacy can take hold. I think that technology's ability to bring people together can facilitate a reduction in privacy and could potentially lead to a return to a world were we know everything about everyone to an extent, but it cannot do it by itself. People are still people and that physical social interaction is a necessity for us to grow and thrive in this world....according to Sex at Dawn, why else would our brains be so large?
Ryan said that he hadn't considered the impact of technology on privacy and how that might relate to non-monogamy becoming more accepted or as a return to our evolutionary roots but he did mention anonymity, which got me thinking. While it's true technology can reduce the amount of privacy we have, it can also increase the level of anonymity as the individual behind the online persona has discretion as to the information released. I would think that this potential would serve to increase the level of privacy. Think about it.....if you believe someone is lying about who they are, would that not reduce the amount of information you would allow them to see? For most people I would think that it would. Without getting side tracked too much, think about how the Alexa DiCarlo's fake online persona is going to affect people looking for online sex advice (if you're not familiar with HIM, she/him/it was the author of the Real Princess Diaries; now suspended. Here's Mistress Matisse's take in her Control Tower column from January, another one from Carnal Nation and a third from the Sexademic). Now think about yourself...given the above information about an apparent sex worker who provided advice purporting to be an expert, would it change how private you were with the information? Probably.
Technology does serve to bring people with similar interests together, however the potential for anonymity will increase privacy. If you're able to meet someone in person that you've met online a bond can be established and a reduction in privacy can take hold. I think that technology's ability to bring people together can facilitate a reduction in privacy and could potentially lead to a return to a world were we know everything about everyone to an extent, but it cannot do it by itself. People are still people and that physical social interaction is a necessity for us to grow and thrive in this world....according to Sex at Dawn, why else would our brains be so large?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Solo Poly
Solo poly was one of the better classes that I attended at Folsom Street Fringe; it was taught by Allena Gabosch, the director of the Centre for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle and also someone I'm privileged to call my friend. Allena discussed her version of poly; solo poly. She defined it as poly in which you have no primary partner, don't live with any of your partners and are not looking for a primary partner aka the proverbial "ONE" that so many people spend their lives searching for. Each of her partners fits a specific need in her life and she in theirs.
While I entered the world of non-monogamy with a primary partner, the primary-secondary distinction no longer applies to me and I feel Allena's solo poly is much more applicable. My version of poly is very fluid; I'm open to changes in how I view it and how I approach relationships, currently I'm not looking for a primary partner or a single individual to spend the rest of my life with. Some may view that as a lonely life prospect, but I've never felt that my life will be defined by me getting married and having children; I'm not saying that I never will do those things I just don't feel they are necessary for me to live a fulfilling life.
Recently I've had discussions with people about individuals 'deciding' that they want to get married and have children. It seems that many people make this decision solo, find the first suitable candidate; marry and have kids with them....not because they are the 'one' or the right fit for them, but because they made a decision that's what they wanted to do at that point in their life; and we wonder why so many couples get divorced! I'd much rather meet someone and make a decision that 'this person is important to me and I want to be with them for the rest of my life and have children with them because of how special they are.' Don't fool yourself, this isn't how most marriages begin, no matter how much you want to believe it. I know that this can happen, as it happened with J and I, she was someone that I would've married and had children with (which I didn't want when the relationship began) if it was something we both decided we wanted, however it wasn't while we were together.
My relationship status is thus solo poly: I'm not looking for a primary partner, but am open to the idea; I'm not looking for someone to live with, but wouldn't say no if someone asked; I'm not looking to get married or have kids, but if the person was special enough who knows.....confusing I know, but life should be fluid and open to change; right now I'm just looking for partners to satisfy specific needs in my life and having a lot of fun doing so!
While I entered the world of non-monogamy with a primary partner, the primary-secondary distinction no longer applies to me and I feel Allena's solo poly is much more applicable. My version of poly is very fluid; I'm open to changes in how I view it and how I approach relationships, currently I'm not looking for a primary partner or a single individual to spend the rest of my life with. Some may view that as a lonely life prospect, but I've never felt that my life will be defined by me getting married and having children; I'm not saying that I never will do those things I just don't feel they are necessary for me to live a fulfilling life.
Recently I've had discussions with people about individuals 'deciding' that they want to get married and have children. It seems that many people make this decision solo, find the first suitable candidate; marry and have kids with them....not because they are the 'one' or the right fit for them, but because they made a decision that's what they wanted to do at that point in their life; and we wonder why so many couples get divorced! I'd much rather meet someone and make a decision that 'this person is important to me and I want to be with them for the rest of my life and have children with them because of how special they are.' Don't fool yourself, this isn't how most marriages begin, no matter how much you want to believe it. I know that this can happen, as it happened with J and I, she was someone that I would've married and had children with (which I didn't want when the relationship began) if it was something we both decided we wanted, however it wasn't while we were together.
My relationship status is thus solo poly: I'm not looking for a primary partner, but am open to the idea; I'm not looking for someone to live with, but wouldn't say no if someone asked; I'm not looking to get married or have kids, but if the person was special enough who knows.....confusing I know, but life should be fluid and open to change; right now I'm just looking for partners to satisfy specific needs in my life and having a lot of fun doing so!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Strip Wii Bowling
For the past 6 weeks I've been dating a new girl, M. Until we met, she was a relative vanilla, but as she puts it, "I always knew there was something else." Needless to say there's been a lot of fun experimentation recently and she's one of the reasons that I've failed to keep up with my goal of posting 3 times a week (gotta love NRE). More on M at a later date.
The other night we were out for a drink at our favourite local watering hole and she made mention that she has been craving video game and was as self-proclaimed Wii bowling shark, which upon arriving at my place I decided to put to the test. On comes the Wii and out comes Wii bowling, after a 1 point win by yours truly in the first match, the ante was upped, "How about for each game, the loser takes off a piece of clothing?" Well of course my answer was a profound YES! Confident as I was, I knew I was undressed for the occasion, women and their layers! The first 2 games were won easily by me and off came the cardigan and her bra, I was eyeing that pesky t-shirt next. Instead out came M's inner shark aided by her ability to never let my wine glass get less than a quarter full. She won the next game and off came a sock......I now know that in a game of strip anything, rules must be established beforehand as M's belief was socks count as one item, so after some prompting my her off came the other one. The next game was hers, as well and off came my shirt, leaving me with only my jeans; serves me right for forgetting boxers that day. Not that I had a problem with losing, because losing would eventually lead to a win for both of us; it was the bragging rights I was after. With the wine kicking our libido into overdrive the next game was played with M facing away from the TV straddling me, which quickly ended our strip Wii bowling experiment....luckily for me as she still had 3 items of clothing adorning her body.
We figured the game had gone on too long; to speed it up next time I think for each 20 points you lose by you will have to remove an extra piece of clothing. Toss in another player or two and the game could really be spiced up; give it try I'm sure you'll agree!
The other night we were out for a drink at our favourite local watering hole and she made mention that she has been craving video game and was as self-proclaimed Wii bowling shark, which upon arriving at my place I decided to put to the test. On comes the Wii and out comes Wii bowling, after a 1 point win by yours truly in the first match, the ante was upped, "How about for each game, the loser takes off a piece of clothing?" Well of course my answer was a profound YES! Confident as I was, I knew I was undressed for the occasion, women and their layers! The first 2 games were won easily by me and off came the cardigan and her bra, I was eyeing that pesky t-shirt next. Instead out came M's inner shark aided by her ability to never let my wine glass get less than a quarter full. She won the next game and off came a sock......I now know that in a game of strip anything, rules must be established beforehand as M's belief was socks count as one item, so after some prompting my her off came the other one. The next game was hers, as well and off came my shirt, leaving me with only my jeans; serves me right for forgetting boxers that day. Not that I had a problem with losing, because losing would eventually lead to a win for both of us; it was the bragging rights I was after. With the wine kicking our libido into overdrive the next game was played with M facing away from the TV straddling me, which quickly ended our strip Wii bowling experiment....luckily for me as she still had 3 items of clothing adorning her body.
We figured the game had gone on too long; to speed it up next time I think for each 20 points you lose by you will have to remove an extra piece of clothing. Toss in another player or two and the game could really be spiced up; give it try I'm sure you'll agree!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Folsom Fringe
A kinky conference is like any other conference, you learn and network. Of course, networking takes on a different meaning in this context. I've always thought of a conference as something that allows you to advance your business connections and in the same vein a kink conference allows you to find new play partners, mentors, and friends....sounds very similar, doesn't it? I guess the networking isn't too different after all. Needless to say I met some amazing people and while I didn't play at the party on the Friday night, I did learn a lot and had some incredibly interesting conversations about kink and polyamory.
I found that the people that attended the conference were very much like me, they weren't just interested in the sensations derived from kink (well some were), but also how and why things are the way they are. It was refreshing to have intellectual conversations about poly and kink and how they related to each other in everyday lives, something that I always feel is lacking in my local scene. It's one of the reasons that I travel to Seattle on a regular basis, because the conversations that I can have there far exceed what I can have at home. While there are a couple of people in Vancouver that are interested in having these discussions the ability to have these discussions with people around the same age as me was fantastic. Especially since these are the people that I will be growing with in the world of kink. I may see them this year or in 5 years, but keeping in touch with them from time to time only serves to increase you network and talking only serves to drive my desire to learn and grow as the kinky person I am.
I found that the people that attended the conference were very much like me, they weren't just interested in the sensations derived from kink (well some were), but also how and why things are the way they are. It was refreshing to have intellectual conversations about poly and kink and how they related to each other in everyday lives, something that I always feel is lacking in my local scene. It's one of the reasons that I travel to Seattle on a regular basis, because the conversations that I can have there far exceed what I can have at home. While there are a couple of people in Vancouver that are interested in having these discussions the ability to have these discussions with people around the same age as me was fantastic. Especially since these are the people that I will be growing with in the world of kink. I may see them this year or in 5 years, but keeping in touch with them from time to time only serves to increase you network and talking only serves to drive my desire to learn and grow as the kinky person I am.
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