Bittersweet Gold

Watching Crosby slide the game winning goal underneath Ryan Miller's pad for the final gold medal of the Vancouver Olympics will be something I'll be able to tell friends and family for years to come. But as I sat there watching the Canadian team receive their medals tears of sadness welled up inside of me, drinking cold water was all I could do to prevent the tears from staining my cheeks. I realized that the one person who I wished I could be celebrating this victory with was celebrating it somewhere else with someone else. As I sat watching thousands of fans cheer for Canada all I could think about was J and how much I wished I could shared this moment with her; I'd give anything for that chance.

Home now listening to raucous cheering in the streets; the tears flow freely with a feeling of loneliness I never thought possible. Tomorrow I help her move out of what was once our home. Congratulations Canada.....bittersweet, indeed.

The End

Yesterday my 20s ended and today my 5 and a half year relationship with J ended. She was, is, and forever will be the love my my life and I hers, but she needs to be alone at this point in her life and I wish her all the best and hope that she finds what she's looking for. I truly hope we cross paths again in life because I know that she will always have a piece of my heart. I love you J and hope life treats you well.

This may also mean the end of my blog, as I'm not sure if my heart will be in it anymore. I'm not sure how many loyal readers are out there, but if you enjoy reading I thank-you and hope that in time I will find the will to write again.

Missing...

It's funny what you miss when you're not at home; living in a foreign bed and a foreign house. Especially when this was a time when I was supposed to be experiencing the Olympic spirit in my home town. As I write this I'm watching and listening to fireworks erupt at one of the Olympic venues and am reminded of a date long ago that led to so much joy in my life. Makes me long for the day and reminds me that I should be at that venue watching the sky light up. I imagine sitting outside bundled up in the cold with someone I'm in love with...with that same person wandering the city as alive as it is after a home town hockey win. It really is surprising what you miss when you're not home. You'd never think that things as routine as putting away the dishes....making salad.....feeding the dog.....watching TV.....would make you feel loss, but they do. It's an incredibly strange and foreign feeling, and one that I hope will end soon.

What Makes a Relationship Tick?

A friend of mine asked me the other day why I am in an open relationship and I said because 1) I believe everyone has the capacity to love more than one person, 2) that a friendship can be enhanced by the physical act of sex (and you can probably learn a thing or two to bring back to your primary relationship), and 3) that I don't believe you can get everything you need in life from just one person.

It was that last point that was the most contentious to him. He said, "Well then you just haven't me the right girl yet." To which I responded, "Yes, yes I have." But it got me thinking, is there something that is necessary in a relationship for it to work. Say for instance you have 100 things that makes the perfect relationship and you found someone who can give you 99 of those things. What 1 thing would it take for that relationship to not work? I had a friend end a relationship that was perfect, except for religion.....but what else? Trust, companionship, passion, lust, likes, dislikes, the ability to talk about nothing at all, social views, sports.....the list can go on and on.

The supposed beauty of an open relationship is that you can have most of the things you need and obtain the others from another partner. But even in that situation is there one thing that would make you want to be with your secondary partner more than your primary one?

So that's my question. What one thing do you need above all others in order for your relationship to work?

If you have an answer please leave it as a comment, I'd love to do a follow-up post discussing people's responses.

I walk into a place that once felt like home, standing in a place I see things that once brought me comfort.....remnants of a dinner I used to be a part of.........2 plates, neither of which is mine......a dog in her kennel, whom I can't bring myself even to look at.....an unmade bed, that I didn't have any part of.....The feeling overcomes me and I fall to the bedroom floor tears running down my face as my body is racked with sobs. Composing myself I head to the fridge for the reason I came. I make it to the front door bread pudding in hand, the feeling of loss, of emptiness erupts within me again. Slouching to the floor the tears come again. Five, ten, fifteen minutes...how long have I been here? Time no longer makes sense. Looking up at the bread pudding on the counter brings a pang of sadness, willing myself to my feet it goes back into the fridge as the thought of the night it was made makes the thought of eating it unbearable. Noticing the time makes me wonder how long I've been here, remembering my promise of space makes me vacate quickly. Standing on the sidewalk, the Olympic crowds milling about me as if I'm invisible. Not knowing where to go, what to do, I stand still as time passes. Olympic joy on people's faces brings stark contrast to the lack of feeling inside me. A coffee shop chair beckons and I sit. Time moves quickly...or slowly....and again I wonder how long have I been sitting...thinking that there must be something I'm supposed to be doing but nothing comes to mind, so I sit....waiting for what I do not know.

Your Person

While I don't believe in soul mates nor that there is one person that can satisfy every need a individual has; I do believe that each of us has a person. Someone who you want to share everything with....someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.......someone you will always love the most and they you.....someone who will no matter what, always have a piece of your heart. With 6 billion people in the world (and growing), most people will never find their person, but for those of us lucky enough to find theirs we count ourselves blessed.

Finding your person does not guarantee you happiness, however; the relationship still needs to be worked on. It doesn't come as naturally as you might think. While you know what you want in the future, the present may be a different story. And while your person is yours for life you might not be for you right now. And that's the dilemma. How do you live knowing who your person is but that maybe you can't be with them today. Because if you are together today, the future you want and envision may not be there for you later on in life; but if you're not together today, there's no guarantee you will be able to be together in the future.

I count myself as one of the blessed few, however this is my dilemma....I wonder if my person and I are right for each other now and if we're not will there ever be a chance for us again?

Music

Someone turned me on to this song the other day and I can't seem to stop listening to it.... Falling Slowly by the Frames, which won an Oscar for best song in 2008:



Sometimes I wonder why we listen to sad and depressing music when you're feeling that way. It just feeds the fire, but I guess we are all gluttons for punishment. 2 other songs I can't seem to stop listening to when I'm feeling that way is Run by Snow Patrol and Mad World from the Donnie Darko soundtrack.

A Mormon Adventure

I spent the last 3 days in Orem, Utah; heart of Mormon country. When I was in Vegas a couple of months ago I had a brief encounter with a Mormon girl; well since that trip I've remained in contact with her and went to visit her this past weekend. I now know more than I ever thought I would about Mormons. Once I catch up on a couple of things here in Vancouver I'll put a post together...hopefully tomorrow. Needless to say it's an experience I won't soon forget.

Meet Roxxxy

So last week I had a post about a robot sex doll, well now it's gone mainstream. Here's CNN's take on it. While Roxxxy's full release is months away, over 20,000 people have already inquired about her. And apparently she actually shudders to simulate orgasms; do you think she fakes them as well?