Packing

I think I need a special suitcase for kink related things; half of it is filled up with them. I think I'm more worried than ever about my luggage getting lost....2 short layovers on our way to Jamaica....fingers crossed. I really wish I could take it all as carry-on but I can only imagine the look on the security guard's face as my bag went through the x-ray machine, I don't I'd make it to the plane. All I have to worry about is trying to explain to the airline what was in my bag if it gets lost.

"So I had....

- 3-30 ft lengths of rope (1 each of bamboo, silk and hemp)

- 4-10 ft lengths of rope (2 each of bamboo and silk)

- 2-15 ft lengths of hemp rope

- 1-10 ft 4mm rope (I tried not to pack this one, but J figured it out....she's evil)

(All rope courtesy of Twisted Monk....shameless plug....but I love this guy....if we weren't going away for the next week, we'd be front row for his class in Vegas on Jan 7th)

- 2 dildos (one vibrating and one glass)

- butt plug

- 2 O My vibrating buds (always need a back-up)

- Jimmy Jane vibe

- 3 whips of varying sizes

- I'm not sure what its called but its got a thin soft outside with pins underneath so when you smack someone with it...well let's just say all you feel is pins and it leaves lovely marks and sensations....that's packed too

- More lube than you can shake a stick at

- Half a box of condoms (probably won't be needed, but you can never be too safe :D)

- many, many batteries

O and there were some clothes and toiletries in there too..."

I wonder if my travel insurance would cover the lost items? Almost curious enough to find out, but I like my toys too much. So we're off, have a Happy New Years and we'll see you in 2010.

Merry Christmas

Yes, yes....cheap entry; but I've been a bad (and busy) blogger and as J's working on Christmas presents still, I thought I'd wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. J and I are off to sit on the beach (and use the 4-poster bed to the best of our abilities) in Jamaica for a week come Monday, so I will be out of contact until 2010, so have a Happy New Year.

J's having a tough time tonight because it's the 1 year anniversary of her getting her Italia acceptance letter. That letter led to a change in how she looks at everything including our relationship. I know we'll never be able to go back to how things were, or even if we could, would we want to? I ache for her but I also ache for things that I have lost...miss. Does this make me selfish? I feel like it does as these tears run down my cheeks. These past 5 months have brought so much change into our lives and while a lot of the change has been good, I miss where we were. I don't believe in soul mates but if I did J would be mine. I ache because I know that I can never share these feelings with her or anyone else, because no one else would or could understand them. People always look at the surface and say, well maybe you shouldn't be in an open relationship; but that's not it. It goes so much deeper than that, I can barely understand it, let alone explain it. And I don't know what's going to happen when her and Z go back to Italy together in the summer, but the thought of feeling again what I felt last year is almost too much to bear, just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, hurts my soul, tears at my heart. Sometimes I wish it could be torn out of my chest because the pain that that would cause would be welcome as it would pale in comparison to the pain I feel now and will feel, yet I know it's what J needs and if it comes at a price, I understand the price and am ready for it...at least I think I am. Sometimes I wonder if the pain is worth it? Is being strong worth it? Because the cowardly thing to do would be to run, run away and never think about it again. Sometimes it's so tempting, but the thought of who I'd give up, who I'd leave and the future I know we'll have together makes me stay, gives me strength. It's a constant internal battle, I don't even know which side is which only that it feels at times like it's tearing me apart. I won't even ever make this post public, it's just something that needs to be written down and out of my head and well I can type a heck of a lot faster than I can write.

I wrote this almost 2 weeks ago and never expected to post it, but rereading it tonight for the first time makes me certain that it should. It was written in a time of intense emotion and feeling and well, what else is blog for than to spill your soul to the world, lol.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas - Part 2

Needless to say Day 2 started a little slower than the Day 1. I'm usually pretty good about not getting hungover, but my friends aren't as lucky. The day was relatively uneventful dune buggying (pretty sure that's not a word), gambling, buffets....definitely a typically Vegas day/evening.

As night turned into evening, it was time to partake in a Vegas must: the strip club. It's hard to compare a Vegas strip club to other strip clubs because of their vastness. The place we went to was about 70,000 square feet; companies don't have warehouses that big (they call it the world's largest Las Vegas strip club, which really doesn't make sense, but who am I to judge their logic). We had a table booked, so limo pick-up from our hotel and in past the line without cover (very much recommended as cover was $40/person). As soon as we're in the door 4 girls converge on us and 'escort' us to our table.

Now I enjoy the strip clubs, probably more than most men, I'd love to say it's the dancing (ahem...simulated sex) and nudity but honestly I think it's the conversation with a seemingly random woman. You can tell them anything and really there are no reprucusions as you'll probably never see them or talk to them again (unless you're me). Prior to this visit I'd been to 2 Vegas strip clubs and both times I spent roughly 7 hours at the club each visit; this time was no different.

So an attractive woman entwines her arm with mine as I walk through the door and escorts me to our table, sitting down next to me and we proceed to talk for the next hour or so. Not pushy at all waiting until I give her an opening by forgetting her name......it was loud, what can I say? Guiltily, I head to the VIP with her for 3 songs (ok...not really guiltily) and she does her thing. Great dancer although I'm not sure if you can call what she did dancing, it was more like sex with my clothes on. Afterwards I figured she got what she wanted and would move on to the next guy; but no back to my table with me and we continued to talk.

By this time one of my friends had left. Another hour of talking....during which time I realized she was a really nice girl, down to earth; and being me I start the kinky and poly discussions. Restraint, spanking, hair pulling were all topics of discussion leading to a couple of common interests; wasn't really into rope but enjoyed ties as restraint so I'm pretty sure I could convert her, given a night and some Twisted Monk hemp. (Speaking of Vegas and Monk, if you happen to be in the area on January 7th you should definitely attend his class http://twistedmonk.blogspot.com/2009/12/by-popular-demand.html - I wish I had another Vegas trip in me as there's also AFN on the 8th and the 9th in Vegas...if only the time and money were availed to me). She didn't quite catch on the poly idea though, I've found that that's a tough one to get people to accept. Nevertheless I did leave 3 hours later with a hug, a kiss, her real name and phone number. Since getting back we've kept in touch, maybe one day I'll have the chance to convert her.

Now there's a certain stigma about strippers; they're dirty and something happened to them that made made them strip. It's a similar stigma that escorts get. Now I've known my fair share of ladies in the sex business (mainly as a patron, mind you) and most of them are not dirty and chose to do what they are doing. Why you ask? Because it pays well and they enjoy it!! Most of the ladies I've gotten to know are attending or saving money for school; it's just a part-time job. Why are they viewed as lesser than you or I? I don't see them that way. I worked at a video store during university; if I could've worked at a strip club for the same hours and more money, would I have? Hell yeah; of course I would've needed tits, a full body wax and a way to hide my junk; but without those obstacles I'd have been all over it. Next time you go to a strip club remember the woman dancing is just as normal (or fucked up) as you and the guy sitting next to you.

Wow this post took a long time to write, my apologizes; lack of brain writing function.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas - Part 1

Well some of it does, the rest is discussed here. 2 nights in Vegas with 3 of my oldest friends for a 30th birthday that will never be forgotten....well what we can (or choose) to remember of it anyways.

From almost missing my flight (it was overbooked - I hate Air Canada)

To dinner at N9ne with Dana White (almost - he was two tables over)

To tipping McDonalds employees for faster service (everyone in Vegas does work on tips!)

To VIP at Moon and the Playboy Club (you'll never get a better view of Vegas)

To knocking boots with Frank Mir and Kimbo Slice

To hijacking at bachelorette party (they must've thought we were stalking them)

To making out with a gorgeous woman (who knew Mormons were that hot? I think I have to take a trip to Provo!)

And that was only the first day!

I always find it interesting how different women respond when I tell them about my interest in bdsm (I start them off light....rope bondage) and that I'm in an open relationship. I love see their reactions, usually a mixture of horror and intrigue. I had a conversation with a girl at Moon, let's call her H (see this does have something to do with me trip). Now H seemed to be a very conservative woman from the mid-west, partying it up in Vegas for her friend's bachelorette party (yes the one we hijacked). I've never been to Chicago but am very much wanting to visit to attend Shabiracon, which I told her. And being the conservative that she is had never heard of it, so I explained. I guess you could describe the look on her face as frightened....no that's not right....petrified. I swear she thought I was going to pull rope out of my pocket and tie her to the table. Really that's never out of the question, but the lack of rope and the look of terror would've made things difficult. As our conversation progressed throughout the night, I'd catch that petrified look to which I'd query, "You're a little scared of me aren't you?" The answer always being yes. That scared look improved to a look of frightened wonderment during the night, you know the one; where it almost isn't out of the question to ask and if asked at the right moment she'd be interested. I love that look.

Much later in the night (or early in the morning depending on your perspective) as we came out of the elevator and she said that we could be facebook friends (seriously when did this become a saying?) I dropped the....fyi I'm in an open relationship. Haven't seen someone stop that abruptly in a long time, stifling a laugh at 430 in the morning after a night of drinking is never easy, but somehow I managed. The typical questions followed:

How does it work?

How do you handle it?

Don't you get jealous?

What if she falls for someone else?

All of which need much more than the 5 minutes we had to discuss on the way to the taxi stand. Maybe we'll finish it when I head to ShibariCon, maybe she'll attend....kill 2 birds with one stone. I wish I could capture people's expressions in these moments but carrying around a camera and snapping a picture after discussing my kinky life would probably kill any mood said discussion might generate. I guess I'll have to settle for memories.

More stories to come from the balance of the trip tomorrow if time permits, but there is some much needed catch up time to be had with J, given our busy lives, so Day 2 may have to wait.

Recovery Mode

Apologizes for missing most of last week. Spent 2 nights in Vegas with 4 buddies for one's 30th. I have some great stories to share, but since our connection in San Diego was cancelled last night, I just got home and am trying to get my life in order. Hopefully I'll be able to get to Saturday night stories tomorrow....til then much sleep. G'night.

Profound Reflection

Last night I was fortunate enough to be invited to the viewing of J's Italia movie, the culmination of her grouppo's work over the past year. Very emotional experience for her and all of her grouppo as the trip has changed (and continues to change) their lives. All I can say is that it's an unbelievable and incredibly passionate video.

I, of course, was not part of their experience, but I did have my own that is very much tied to theirs. So as I watched their movie my heart swelled, raced and crashed in time with the music and images. Caught up in the emotion, seeing what they saw and experienced; remembering the conversations I had with J while she was there...the things they did....saw....experienced....lived.

The beauty of Borromini and Bernini
Pounding rain in Florence
The field in Dolciano and its night lights
Fireworks
The pace of Milano
The spinning...oh the spinning

Remembering my conversations with J, the emotion I felt during them and the memories of where I was when certain pictures and videos were taken. Seeing her at Mom's Cafe, remembering the converstation that took place just before she got there and what I know I was doing at that exact point in time....how much I know we both hurt; the unforgettable emotion of that day. Pictures capturing their moments; engraving memories on my soul.

Having heard the stories, seen the pictures, the videos and listened to the score; watching the film I almost felt like I had been there with them.....I've been along for the ride emotionally, that's for sure. It feels so strange to have a trip that I didn't take have such an impact on my life. Until last night I never realized just how much of an effect J's trip has had on my life; it's brought about changes in our relationship and in me, personally that I never would have expected....never thought possible.

Yet I'm detached from their trip; not having actually gone on it. My emotions contained, for the most part, as my pre-Italia support network no longer applies. The level of understanding just isn't there; they don't see how J's changed nor how I have; and attempting to explain it brings up feelings of resentment towards those that don't (can't) understand.

Now I'm one of the least religious people you will ever come across, but I feel almost reborn as if the world has opened up to me and the possibilities are now endless, fostering a feeling that is both exciting and terrifying (strangely enough not unlike the emotions of bdsm, which is interesting given J and my explorations since the conclusion of her Italia trip).

And then there's this intense need to feel and this craving is willing its way to the surface, clawing to be released; as my job, my life have historically not satisfied this need. Now the anticipation of the future ellicits powerful feelings and an excitement of what's next, with a lingering question of how to share such a feeling?


(Not all of my posts will delve into such emotion; it's something that's fresh in my mind and needed to be shared; thank-you for listening).