There are only a handful of people I know that never get jealous, for the most part everyone has a little bit of jealousy in them, why is this? Yes I’m polyamorous and yes I still get jealous on occasion; I’ll admit it, if you refuse to admit it you’ll never be able to understand it. Typically my feelings of jealousy stem from a fear of the unknown. Will a new relationship change the dynamics of an existing relationship with an already established partner? We’d all like to say, “no it won’t we have a specific kind of relationship and not looking for something similar to replace it,” but often how do you know that until it happens? The reality is you don’t, even if you have a relationship contract and a set of perfectly laid out rules, it still doesn’t change a new relationship will change your existing one. We can’t always control our emotions and desires, how we feel when someone does something that makes us smile. I feel knowing that this can and often does happen allows you to be better prepared to deal with it if and when it does.
I’ve recently been going through some of this in my head, primarily because my partner is quite new to poly and while I know she loves me, she’s also figuring out whether poly is right for her. So therein lies my fear of the unknown. In relationships I find that I plan for the worst to protect myself emotional, and while I recognize the worst case would be she would end our relationship, I see that case as irrational given our connection, and approach the worst case as the fear of a change in our relationship. What would that change look like? Since she lives out of town would it affect how often we see one another? Would another individual use her guilt complex against her (something I would never do and that I’m actually helping her get over)? So many things could happen, which of course is the case in any relationship, thinking about it (while bringing up potential feelings of jealousy – via fear of loss) allows me to be better prepared if it does happen – but sometimes I wonder if it’s also a form of self-sabotage.
Now change is not inherently bad, change leads to growth, negotiation and a new understanding of you, your partner and your relationship; it’s the unknown that gets me, that weighs on my mind. I wish I could say it’d be different if the relationship wasn’t so new and she wasn’t new to poly, but I’m not sure that I can. I do know that when she goes on a date and meets someone new I’m happy for her and excited to hear all about it and share that experience with her as her partner, but there will always be that little part of me that wonders…..will this change us?
