Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thoughts on marriage...
Last weekend I was at a friend's wedding and one of the 760 guests in attendance was the mother of a childhood friend. Now maybe I'm getting to that age or maybe it's because we were at a wedding or maybe both; but one of the first questions she asked me, "Are you engage? Are you married?" Her response to my answer of no was, "Oh...well that's ok, I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Which prompted a brief discussion on my beliefs on marriage, short because 1) she was an old family friend and 2) well we were at a wedding, so it wasn't exactly the proper venue.
While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.
One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.
The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.
While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.
One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.
The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Holding on
I came across an anonymous quote yesterday:
"I think part of the reason why we hold something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen twice."
I think that this is so true. Life is a series events, relationships, and connections; but how often have you ever had one of them repeat itself? It happens rarely, if ever, so when you find something or someone amazing you never want to let that feeling go...so you hold it tighter hoping against hope to never lose it. Yesterday I was again overwhelmed by emotion while in savasana, only this time I was brought to tears; masked by the sweat of my just ended workout. The cause.....my apparent lack of connection with anything....the greatest connection I'll ever have seems to be slipping away and the more I try to hold on to it the more I lose it. I've always felt like I can find a solution for anything...but now that feeling is being replaced with a feeling that what I do, how I act doesn't matter...to anyone....so if you want to live for a greatness that doesn't matter; what's the point? What's the point of anything? I understand it's an incredibly lonely thought, which is why tears taint my cheeks. Tears of mourning for the loss of something so great that the thought of it never happening again fractures my heart and my soul. Trying to grapple with this is beginning to consume me, it's all I think about these days but no matter how much I think about it there's never an answer only a void.
"I think part of the reason why we hold something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen twice."
I think that this is so true. Life is a series events, relationships, and connections; but how often have you ever had one of them repeat itself? It happens rarely, if ever, so when you find something or someone amazing you never want to let that feeling go...so you hold it tighter hoping against hope to never lose it. Yesterday I was again overwhelmed by emotion while in savasana, only this time I was brought to tears; masked by the sweat of my just ended workout. The cause.....my apparent lack of connection with anything....the greatest connection I'll ever have seems to be slipping away and the more I try to hold on to it the more I lose it. I've always felt like I can find a solution for anything...but now that feeling is being replaced with a feeling that what I do, how I act doesn't matter...to anyone....so if you want to live for a greatness that doesn't matter; what's the point? What's the point of anything? I understand it's an incredibly lonely thought, which is why tears taint my cheeks. Tears of mourning for the loss of something so great that the thought of it never happening again fractures my heart and my soul. Trying to grapple with this is beginning to consume me, it's all I think about these days but no matter how much I think about it there's never an answer only a void.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Happy Birthday Sister!!
Today (or yesterday as it is after midnight) is my sister's birthday. A tribute to one of the most amazing people I know. I love her as much as anyone can love anyone and hope she has a fantastic birthday (I know I did my part). Here's to the amazing person you are!!! I'm so privileged to have you as a sister, you are one of most supportive people I know and I wish you all the best.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Happiness
"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you're trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted."
Sophia Bush
I saw this local play last night called Conversations with Willie, which was centred around the main character, Richard's, dialogue with his penis. The play was about relationships and how they affect who you are. Richard and his wife were always looking for more attention from each other and needing to be validated by the other's apparently unconditional love. The play ended with Richard discovering that he has to be happy with himself before he can be happy in a relationship, a thought that has been very present in my head over the past few months.
There was a discussion after the play in which the host asked members of the audience for the aspects of the play, if any, that resonated with something in their life. I spoke about how me and another member of the audience had been talking about the same thing...being happy with yourself....during the intermission; he and I had never met before and neither of us had seen the play, however we had a discussion about internal happiness and how a relationship must compliment that happiness rather than try to be that happiness. If you look at the relationships around you, how many people seem to be in them because of convenience? A lot of these couples are in relationships to give them happiness, to not be alone, to be comfortable....instead of being happy with who they are first. When asked how my experiences with self-happiness was going; I stated that I was happy with the person I was but that I felt it was something that would always be evolving. We are not static individuals, rather are changing and growing and as long as we continue that growth individually, we can continue to compliment ourselves in our relationships.
After the show I reflected on what I said in order to try and reconcile a potential disparity between my happiness as a person and my lack of self-love. I have never loved myself nor have ever held myself in very high regard, and I don't think I ever will, yet I am happy with the person I am. How can this be true? I'm not yet 100% sure how, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot today and so far this is what I've come up with. If you remember one of the things I enjoy in life is making other people's lives better (Remaining Open)? Well that goal makes me happy, facilitating others' growth, which in turn feeds mine. I want people to move on from being around me thankful to have had me in their lives, that I have given them something that they otherwise wouldn't have discovered easily on their own. Whether I love myself or not, has nothing to do with this and I think that this love can be given to others, instead of being used internally. I'm only beginning to develop the concept that I can be happy with who I am, yet be depressed and/or not love myself; but I think I will continue to ponder this idea because I don't think the two concepts are contradictory. It's yet another avenue of self-discovery that I'm working on.....don't forget life is all about the process.
Sophia Bush
I saw this local play last night called Conversations with Willie, which was centred around the main character, Richard's, dialogue with his penis. The play was about relationships and how they affect who you are. Richard and his wife were always looking for more attention from each other and needing to be validated by the other's apparently unconditional love. The play ended with Richard discovering that he has to be happy with himself before he can be happy in a relationship, a thought that has been very present in my head over the past few months.
There was a discussion after the play in which the host asked members of the audience for the aspects of the play, if any, that resonated with something in their life. I spoke about how me and another member of the audience had been talking about the same thing...being happy with yourself....during the intermission; he and I had never met before and neither of us had seen the play, however we had a discussion about internal happiness and how a relationship must compliment that happiness rather than try to be that happiness. If you look at the relationships around you, how many people seem to be in them because of convenience? A lot of these couples are in relationships to give them happiness, to not be alone, to be comfortable....instead of being happy with who they are first. When asked how my experiences with self-happiness was going; I stated that I was happy with the person I was but that I felt it was something that would always be evolving. We are not static individuals, rather are changing and growing and as long as we continue that growth individually, we can continue to compliment ourselves in our relationships.
After the show I reflected on what I said in order to try and reconcile a potential disparity between my happiness as a person and my lack of self-love. I have never loved myself nor have ever held myself in very high regard, and I don't think I ever will, yet I am happy with the person I am. How can this be true? I'm not yet 100% sure how, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot today and so far this is what I've come up with. If you remember one of the things I enjoy in life is making other people's lives better (Remaining Open)? Well that goal makes me happy, facilitating others' growth, which in turn feeds mine. I want people to move on from being around me thankful to have had me in their lives, that I have given them something that they otherwise wouldn't have discovered easily on their own. Whether I love myself or not, has nothing to do with this and I think that this love can be given to others, instead of being used internally. I'm only beginning to develop the concept that I can be happy with who I am, yet be depressed and/or not love myself; but I think I will continue to ponder this idea because I don't think the two concepts are contradictory. It's yet another avenue of self-discovery that I'm working on.....don't forget life is all about the process.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Mood
The last couple of weeks there's been a change in my mood. My temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter and at little things.....like someone not walking purposefully enough on the street; silly I know but it's something that gets to me on a daily basis. I'm not expressing this temper, rather I keep it inside as part of my inner monologue. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with this mood is there and I have no idea what I can do to change it. Yoga, which used to be able to calm my brain, is no longer having an effect. I used to be able to enter class with an active brain and leave with a clear mind but recently my brain activity subsides during clas but by the time I reach savasana my brain kicks into overdrive again and with more intense emotion than it started with; while in savasana in yesterday's class a feelings of sadness overcame me bringing me to brink of tears. I have no idea how to deal with this anger, sadness and loneliness....nothing I do seems to work. I feel at the mercy of my emotions, with my only option to wait and hope that the feeling passes, my concern rests with the question....what if it doesn't??
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The Economist and Polyamory
A came across a great article called, "Love and Polyamory" that I wanted to share. I feel it does a pretty good job discussing the topic of being in an open relationship and I find it quite progressive of the Economist's Intelligent Life magazine to discuss the topic.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Inked...
I got my first tattoo yesterday, not because I wanted one but because I needed one. I used to hate tattoos. When J got her first one I was living in Saskatoon and she didn't tell me about it becuase she knew I wouldn't approve. She waited until she came to visit and I had her naked to show me and tell me about it...needless to say I was less inclined to have an issue with it with a gorgeous naked woman in front of me; I am afterall a man... It wasn't until 4-5 months ago that I seriously considered getting one, feeling a need to have it on my skin as a reminder.
I got it on the left side of my ribs, so that when my arm is hanging it's mostly covered and is mine and mine alone. I'm not going to go into detail about what the tattoo is or its meaning to me; as that is something for me and a lucky few to know...I feel it's more special, more mine in that way. Since the artist finished putting needle to skin I've felt a connenction to it not so much that the tattoo is there but more the meaning behind it. I don't feel so alone and when I think of it close to my heart, my hearts swells bringing tears to my eyes because of the memory it evokes. It's comforting to know it's there...clinging to me....embracing me. The memory of the needle's sting evoking images of my past.
When I first told J I was thinking of getting a tattoo, she told me that it'd become addictive and I'd want more, but now that I have it I don't think this will be the case. To me, having more than one would deminish this one's meaning and its importance to me is too great to ever let that happen. Maybe one day a feeling will come along and make me change my mind, but that feeling would have to be extremely powerful and I fail to see how anything could match the emotional attachment I will always have for my tattoo.
I got it on the left side of my ribs, so that when my arm is hanging it's mostly covered and is mine and mine alone. I'm not going to go into detail about what the tattoo is or its meaning to me; as that is something for me and a lucky few to know...I feel it's more special, more mine in that way. Since the artist finished putting needle to skin I've felt a connenction to it not so much that the tattoo is there but more the meaning behind it. I don't feel so alone and when I think of it close to my heart, my hearts swells bringing tears to my eyes because of the memory it evokes. It's comforting to know it's there...clinging to me....embracing me. The memory of the needle's sting evoking images of my past.
When I first told J I was thinking of getting a tattoo, she told me that it'd become addictive and I'd want more, but now that I have it I don't think this will be the case. To me, having more than one would deminish this one's meaning and its importance to me is too great to ever let that happen. Maybe one day a feeling will come along and make me change my mind, but that feeling would have to be extremely powerful and I fail to see how anything could match the emotional attachment I will always have for my tattoo.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
SEAF
It's already been a week and a half since I attended the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, better known as SEAF, wow how time flies. I had the chance to spend time with and meet some amazing people, look at some gorgeous artwork, watch the Cabinet of Curiousities show and see Monk do an impromtu rigging on a 4-poster metal bed, which was countered by a horrible rigging the following night by an apparently inexperienced rope top (if it wasn't above a bed, I'd would've been worried about the danger of her suspension work).
While all of the art was fantastic, ranging from paintings to metal beds (fantastic for suspension!!) to photographs from all walks of erotic life; I came very close to purchasing a painting of a woman in a japanese setting bound in a karada with her hands behind her back, but by the time I considered it my 2 favourite colours (purple and red) were already spoken for and I didn't love the other colours enough to spend $400, so I settled for a few photographs from the store. One of the more amazing (and strenuous) pieces of art was a collar that was held in place around the artist's neck by 6 hooks attached through the skin of her neck. The collar was maybe 18 inches in diameter and was made of what looked to be steel. And hanging on 12 inch cords were 24 weights holding it in place. What was really amazing was watching the artist spin around and around (as we all did when we were children) using the centrifugal force to pull the weights outwards and away from the collar. Nothing I'd wear but amazingly beautiful. I've been looking for a picture of it but alas cannot remember the artist's name. If I find one I will be sure to share it.
The Cabinet of Curiousities was a performance that pitted a young mailman against his button fetish; writing a letter to none other than Dan Savage (who also made a cameo appearance). Along his journey he received a cabinet from his late aunt that contained all sorts of erotic characters and fetishes, with performances ranging from belly dancing to puppeteering (mildy disturbing) to burlesque to rigging; that helped him be convinced that he was normal. And performances by Monk, Dirty Martini, Elizabeth Rose, Fuchsia FoXXX, Inga Ingenue (gorgeous woman and performance), Miss Indigo Blue, Paris Original (I never thought I would enjoy a gay man in a tutu so much), and Waxie Moon, along with a Stranger response from Mr. Savage helped him along his way. The show was performed both Friday and Saturday nights and was unbelieveable both times. If I had the words I'd describe the beauty of the performances I would but alas I am unable to do it justice.
I also had the luxury of spending some more time getting to know Max, L, and A and was introduced to another of Max's ladies S as well as nice, submissive woman who I'll call R. When the lights dimmed Friday and Saturday nights I had the opportunity to explore my dominant side as well as my knowledge of knots on more than one occasion. One of which led me to walk R around SEAF for 15 mins in a Hojojutsu tie, an old Japanese military bondage technique, with a convientently placed knot to make sure she didn't trip over her dress that elicited a lovely, little squeal each time the top of the rope was tugged upwards. As for the rest of it, you'll just have to use your imagination.
The weekend also allowed A and I to further develop our connection. If you recall A was my practice partner at Max's 2-day intensive and since that weekend we have been talking on a regular basis. We had made plans to meet up on Saturday, however her schedule ended up allowing her to meet me at SEAF for a couple of hours on Friday, so we got the chance to get to really know each other, this time with clothes on. I got to meet one of her partners, who I litterally handed her off to on Saturday night; he was volunteering at the event and they had plans for the evening, so we arranged to meet him at a specific time and I guided A there and delivered her to her partner, for lack of a better word, leaving me to go and entertain myself with R and L. At the time I thought it was something that I should feel awkward about (along with the us occasionally bumping into him and them making out) but I didn't. While she and I are just friends at this juncture, I had a feeling of happiness for her as I could tell that he made her happy and she was off to have a fun night. I had a similar feeling for J when I knew she was off having fun with Z, the feeling of compersion as opposed to jealousy. I think this feeling is integral to being able to succeed in polyamory because if you can't feel joy in your partner's happiness then what's the point?
After the weekend I felt a kinship with the people I spent time with, something I haven't felt with my friends in Vancouver for a long time. I felt like I could speak my mind and talk freely and openly about what was running through me head and that they'd understand and be able to offer their thoughts and opionions. Contrary to my local friends where I have to check myself before I speak or be prepared for a lack of return commentary or perplexed look. I've always had this with J, but this was different as I had that ability with friends, not just with my partner. It's a very welcome community in Seattle and I hope to try and get down there at least once a month, as I enjoy the feeling of freedom and excitement that the people there are able to give me and I think I them.
While all of the art was fantastic, ranging from paintings to metal beds (fantastic for suspension!!) to photographs from all walks of erotic life; I came very close to purchasing a painting of a woman in a japanese setting bound in a karada with her hands behind her back, but by the time I considered it my 2 favourite colours (purple and red) were already spoken for and I didn't love the other colours enough to spend $400, so I settled for a few photographs from the store. One of the more amazing (and strenuous) pieces of art was a collar that was held in place around the artist's neck by 6 hooks attached through the skin of her neck. The collar was maybe 18 inches in diameter and was made of what looked to be steel. And hanging on 12 inch cords were 24 weights holding it in place. What was really amazing was watching the artist spin around and around (as we all did when we were children) using the centrifugal force to pull the weights outwards and away from the collar. Nothing I'd wear but amazingly beautiful. I've been looking for a picture of it but alas cannot remember the artist's name. If I find one I will be sure to share it.
The Cabinet of Curiousities was a performance that pitted a young mailman against his button fetish; writing a letter to none other than Dan Savage (who also made a cameo appearance). Along his journey he received a cabinet from his late aunt that contained all sorts of erotic characters and fetishes, with performances ranging from belly dancing to puppeteering (mildy disturbing) to burlesque to rigging; that helped him be convinced that he was normal. And performances by Monk, Dirty Martini, Elizabeth Rose, Fuchsia FoXXX, Inga Ingenue (gorgeous woman and performance), Miss Indigo Blue, Paris Original (I never thought I would enjoy a gay man in a tutu so much), and Waxie Moon, along with a Stranger response from Mr. Savage helped him along his way. The show was performed both Friday and Saturday nights and was unbelieveable both times. If I had the words I'd describe the beauty of the performances I would but alas I am unable to do it justice.
I also had the luxury of spending some more time getting to know Max, L, and A and was introduced to another of Max's ladies S as well as nice, submissive woman who I'll call R. When the lights dimmed Friday and Saturday nights I had the opportunity to explore my dominant side as well as my knowledge of knots on more than one occasion. One of which led me to walk R around SEAF for 15 mins in a Hojojutsu tie, an old Japanese military bondage technique, with a convientently placed knot to make sure she didn't trip over her dress that elicited a lovely, little squeal each time the top of the rope was tugged upwards. As for the rest of it, you'll just have to use your imagination.
The weekend also allowed A and I to further develop our connection. If you recall A was my practice partner at Max's 2-day intensive and since that weekend we have been talking on a regular basis. We had made plans to meet up on Saturday, however her schedule ended up allowing her to meet me at SEAF for a couple of hours on Friday, so we got the chance to get to really know each other, this time with clothes on. I got to meet one of her partners, who I litterally handed her off to on Saturday night; he was volunteering at the event and they had plans for the evening, so we arranged to meet him at a specific time and I guided A there and delivered her to her partner, for lack of a better word, leaving me to go and entertain myself with R and L. At the time I thought it was something that I should feel awkward about (along with the us occasionally bumping into him and them making out) but I didn't. While she and I are just friends at this juncture, I had a feeling of happiness for her as I could tell that he made her happy and she was off to have a fun night. I had a similar feeling for J when I knew she was off having fun with Z, the feeling of compersion as opposed to jealousy. I think this feeling is integral to being able to succeed in polyamory because if you can't feel joy in your partner's happiness then what's the point?
After the weekend I felt a kinship with the people I spent time with, something I haven't felt with my friends in Vancouver for a long time. I felt like I could speak my mind and talk freely and openly about what was running through me head and that they'd understand and be able to offer their thoughts and opionions. Contrary to my local friends where I have to check myself before I speak or be prepared for a lack of return commentary or perplexed look. I've always had this with J, but this was different as I had that ability with friends, not just with my partner. It's a very welcome community in Seattle and I hope to try and get down there at least once a month, as I enjoy the feeling of freedom and excitement that the people there are able to give me and I think I them.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
"What's That Mean?"
"(Bones pulls away from a kiss....pushing Booth away.....)
Bones: No, no,
Booth: Why......why?
You thought you're protecting me but you're the one that needs protecting
Protecting from what?
From me, I....I don't have your kind of open heart
Just give it a chance, that's all I'm asking
You said it yourself, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome
Well then let's go for a different outcome here, alright.....let's just....hear me out.....alright......you know when you talk to older couples......you know that have been in love for 30......40......50 years......alright...it's always the guy who says I knew.......I knew right from the beginning
Your evidence is anecdotal
I'm that guy, Bones I'm that guy I know
I.....I am not a gambler, I'm a scientist; I can't change, I don't know how.......I don't know how......(crying).....please don't look so sad
Alright....okay. You're right....you're right.....
Can we still work together?
(crying......nods head) Yeah.....
Thank-you
But I gotta move on; you know I gotta find someone who's going to love me.....in 30 year.....in 40.....in 50
I know......."
Watching the above scene brought tears to my eyes.....no matter where I go or what I do, I'll always find that in certain ways TV imitates life....I think that's the metric for good TV. Over the years, parts of certain TV shows have always made me feel an emotional connection in some way and the 100th episode of Bones was no different....a show that J and I began watching together over 5 years ago; in which 2 characters seemingly destined (if you believe in that sort of thing) to be together.....can't. Their personalities opposed in a way that cannot be changed.....you can't change who someone is. As I try to let go of J, I sometimes feel that our growth has taken us in opposite directions and that for us to be together again we would have to change; have to alter who were are; something that neither of us want of the other. I think the thing that impacted me the most about the scene was how Booth was looking for someone to love him years into the future, something that I always felt J and I would have....that each of us would be that person to love each other forever. My love for her will never wane....never cease.....but I wonder if we missed our chance.....if something were different....what if we didn't meet when we were both so young? And while I ponder this I know that what we gave each other has shaped who we are and I'm proud of the person she is today and would not want to take that away from her, no matter what our alternate reality may have been.
Bones: No, no,
Booth: Why......why?
You thought you're protecting me but you're the one that needs protecting
Protecting from what?
From me, I....I don't have your kind of open heart
Just give it a chance, that's all I'm asking
You said it yourself, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome
Well then let's go for a different outcome here, alright.....let's just....hear me out.....alright......you know when you talk to older couples......you know that have been in love for 30......40......50 years......alright...it's always the guy who says I knew.......I knew right from the beginning
Your evidence is anecdotal
I'm that guy, Bones I'm that guy I know
I.....I am not a gambler, I'm a scientist; I can't change, I don't know how.......I don't know how......(crying).....please don't look so sad
Alright....okay. You're right....you're right.....
Can we still work together?
(crying......nods head) Yeah.....
Thank-you
But I gotta move on; you know I gotta find someone who's going to love me.....in 30 year.....in 40.....in 50
I know......."
Watching the above scene brought tears to my eyes.....no matter where I go or what I do, I'll always find that in certain ways TV imitates life....I think that's the metric for good TV. Over the years, parts of certain TV shows have always made me feel an emotional connection in some way and the 100th episode of Bones was no different....a show that J and I began watching together over 5 years ago; in which 2 characters seemingly destined (if you believe in that sort of thing) to be together.....can't. Their personalities opposed in a way that cannot be changed.....you can't change who someone is. As I try to let go of J, I sometimes feel that our growth has taken us in opposite directions and that for us to be together again we would have to change; have to alter who were are; something that neither of us want of the other. I think the thing that impacted me the most about the scene was how Booth was looking for someone to love him years into the future, something that I always felt J and I would have....that each of us would be that person to love each other forever. My love for her will never wane....never cease.....but I wonder if we missed our chance.....if something were different....what if we didn't meet when we were both so young? And while I ponder this I know that what we gave each other has shaped who we are and I'm proud of the person she is today and would not want to take that away from her, no matter what our alternate reality may have been.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Exhausted
I've been meaning to write about my trip to Seattle last weekend where I attended SEAF and got to hang out with some amazing people, but my brain has not been very accommodating, so it'll have to wait until I can devote my full energy to writing about it. After fighting border traffic on Sunday to get back in time for my flag football game, I've spent the week helping a friend move, taking care of my father's cats, visiting the eye doctor, playing softball, watching hockey (I know not draining but when you're team keeps losing you reach a frustration level), and am off to a tattoo consultation today....toss work and a lack of sleep into the mix and I'm one burnt out blogger. And tonight I'm off to a burlesque show to watch a friend perform with her belly dancing troupe, which should be quite fun but will again contribute to my lack of sheep counting.
On the bright side, the lack of sleep has allowed me to get to know A a lot better, which in turn has allowed me to explore the dominant side of my personality. Last night I mentioned I was off to a tattoo consultant today and without thinking A wanted to know what, where, and its meaning in a demanding tone. Scolding her I shared with her the where and am withholding the other two. She called me sadistic for withholding that which she wanted to know; in a way I am (in more ways than this I might add)....it's fun to have someone want something so bad and have the power to give it to them or withhold it. It's an interesting power to wield and something I don't have too much experience with but it's something I'm definitely going to be exploring over the next couple of months.
On the bright side, the lack of sleep has allowed me to get to know A a lot better, which in turn has allowed me to explore the dominant side of my personality. Last night I mentioned I was off to a tattoo consultant today and without thinking A wanted to know what, where, and its meaning in a demanding tone. Scolding her I shared with her the where and am withholding the other two. She called me sadistic for withholding that which she wanted to know; in a way I am (in more ways than this I might add)....it's fun to have someone want something so bad and have the power to give it to them or withhold it. It's an interesting power to wield and something I don't have too much experience with but it's something I'm definitely going to be exploring over the next couple of months.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Who you are....
Do you ever wonder how many people in the world know you? I don't mean who you are when you hang out with your friends or family, but the actual person inside, behind who you try to be around other people. This has been a common theme running through my head the last couple of months, who actually knows me....I have a really close core group of friends, but I feel less and less like I have things in common with them. They aren't the first people I'd turn to if I wanted to talk about something or if I were home alone and wanted to head out for a pint. Why is that....have I grown out of them? While I consider them my best friends, I don't feel like they have ever known me.
Someone said to me today, that if your friends aren't the people you want to spend all of your time with, then they aren't really your best friends. To an extent I'd agree with that, but I think of best friends as people you'd drop everything for, which is what I'd do for each of these individuals. However, I don't want to spend time with them because I feel like I've grown away from them and all of their conversations are superficial to me as they aren't interested in the same things I am. I think it's also a male thing; not a lot of men want to sit down and have a heart to heart to get to know each other....what's on the surface is usually fine. I don't want to hang out with them because they aren't interested in talking about things that interest me (amongst themselves they have similar interests with me being the outlier) and I feel they have nothing to offer me in terms of growth. Now maybe that's selfish, but if I'm going to converse with someone about something I'm passionate about, I'd like them to be able to offer some sort of counter argument or point of view that I can learn from....and they can't.
So it brings me back to my initial question....how many people in the world actually know you? Who knows your deepest secrets.....who would you tell everything to....who do you seek advice from.....I think I have one....one person in the whole world who knows and gets me and that one person is the one person, who as of a week ago, I can't communicate with. It's funny how life works....I wonder if there will ever be another person who will know me....I guess I have to hope that someone will; but it's really in my hands isn't it? If I find a person who's worthy, am I willing to let them know me? I'm not sure if I am....
Someone said to me today, that if your friends aren't the people you want to spend all of your time with, then they aren't really your best friends. To an extent I'd agree with that, but I think of best friends as people you'd drop everything for, which is what I'd do for each of these individuals. However, I don't want to spend time with them because I feel like I've grown away from them and all of their conversations are superficial to me as they aren't interested in the same things I am. I think it's also a male thing; not a lot of men want to sit down and have a heart to heart to get to know each other....what's on the surface is usually fine. I don't want to hang out with them because they aren't interested in talking about things that interest me (amongst themselves they have similar interests with me being the outlier) and I feel they have nothing to offer me in terms of growth. Now maybe that's selfish, but if I'm going to converse with someone about something I'm passionate about, I'd like them to be able to offer some sort of counter argument or point of view that I can learn from....and they can't.
So it brings me back to my initial question....how many people in the world actually know you? Who knows your deepest secrets.....who would you tell everything to....who do you seek advice from.....I think I have one....one person in the whole world who knows and gets me and that one person is the one person, who as of a week ago, I can't communicate with. It's funny how life works....I wonder if there will ever be another person who will know me....I guess I have to hope that someone will; but it's really in my hands isn't it? If I find a person who's worthy, am I willing to let them know me? I'm not sure if I am....
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Radio Silence
Since our break-up J and I have kept the lines of communication open. We both very much want the other person in our lives, however over the last couple of weeks I felt like I was the only one trying to maintain the friendship; so when we met up so I could deliver a care package to her (mail, Top Pot doughnuts, chips and vanilla from Mexico) and she said that I have to stop communicating with her because it was still too difficult, it wasn't that much of a surprise. Sure it hurts like a bitch because I know I want her in my life more than anyone and always will, but at least I now know why she has been ignoring some of my texts and emails.
It's only been 3 days and it's extremely hard to not share things with her. Walking around Seattle today, a city that she introduced me to, there were many things that last week I would've shared with her:
- My stop at Peter Miller's, the book I purchased, and the fact that they have either downsized the store or are renovating
- A new place I found that sells Alessi and Kartell products, where I bought my very own Anna G
- A dress I saw in a store window that I thought would look fantastic on her
- Black Keys, a group she introduced me to, playing at the bar I was having lunch at
I know for a while now she was reading my blog, but I'm guessing that since she is trying not to know what goes on with my life; she won't be reading it anymore.....however if you are know that all of the above made me smile because of you....
It's only been 3 days and it's extremely hard to not share things with her. Walking around Seattle today, a city that she introduced me to, there were many things that last week I would've shared with her:
- My stop at Peter Miller's, the book I purchased, and the fact that they have either downsized the store or are renovating
- A new place I found that sells Alessi and Kartell products, where I bought my very own Anna G
- A dress I saw in a store window that I thought would look fantastic on her
- Black Keys, a group she introduced me to, playing at the bar I was having lunch at
I know for a while now she was reading my blog, but I'm guessing that since she is trying not to know what goes on with my life; she won't be reading it anymore.....however if you are know that all of the above made me smile because of you....
Got Rope? - Day 2
I arrived early for my sleep sac suspension demo and as I looked at the leather encasement on the ground, the first thing I thought was, "There's no way I'm fitting in that." Griffin held it open as I slipped my feet inside and lay down, Griffin and Max tried unsuccessfully to stretch the leather around my shoulders....which went on for about a minute before all realized that....as Lorelei put it, "I was just too manly to fit inside the sac." Luckily, they had a back-up individual in mind and once he showed up he was quickly encased and hoisted up by his shoulders and suspended about a foot off the ground. Hanging there Max described what to look for if someone happened to be hanging 20 feet above ground in such a sac (as he had done on one or two occasions).
As the demo ended and class began A settled into her seat next to me that I had set aside for her. Sitting next to her I could feel our connection from the day before, almost an electricity to it. We were lectured about partial suspension and how it can be more strenuous on the equipment because of the dynamic load, as the bottom could bounce or lift their feet off the ground to put more strain than just their body weight on the rope and suspension ring. We also learned how to untie someone safely from a suspended or partial suspended position....which body parts to release first and how to adjust the body position so that the bottom wouldn't fall over. We also learned how to provide more body support (more rope) and different ways to tie off the lines from the body to the ring.
We spent most of the morning practicing knots and before I knew it it was lunch time. I sat alone with A and we continued our discussion of our poly lives and how we got into rope bondage. It was interesting to hear about how she got into the BDSM world and came to working with Max. I told her how J and I had spent about a year and a half researching the poly lifestyle before actually entering the world so that we could be prepared as much as possible; however we both agreed that no matter how much you thought you knew every relationship is its own animal.
After lunch and practicing knots on our rope bags, it was time to practice partial suspension and were given 5 pictures of different partials to attempt. I went with a hog-tie partial as it allowed me to practice parallel lashing as well as a chest harness. As I began tying the harness, A turned to me and said, "I'm feeling a little tired today, so you're going to have to hurt me a little bit to wake me up.' Note taken!!! Off I went securely tying her hands behind her back with a little extra pull to provide her with her requested pain......After tying her feet I got into trouble trying to figure out a secure tie point to provide the proper arch. As I struggled with the tie I asked Griffin if he could provide some guidance, however no matter what he provided I couldn't seem to figure out how to finish off the bind properly...quickly getting out of my head and starting to stress.
With J one of my topping issues was losing control of the scene and allowing her and myself to fall out of our headspace. As my brain was racing I checked in with A and she said he hands were okay but she could tell they were going to lose feeling soon, at least my wrist tie was working....I attempted once more to complete the arch, but quickly realized it wasn't working. I untied her completely and held her from behind to make sure she was okay....retrenching that connection to let her know I was present, luckily we were both able to maintain our headspace and proceed, which was a great learning experience for me as it was something that I've always struggled with. As she relaxed I began another bind, tying her right ankle to right wrist to provide a side arch, looping that through the ring twice I pulled up lifting her torso and leg off the group, so that she was only supported by her left hip and leg. From almost falling out of our heads to a quick recovery I was elated, as Griffin checked on my handiwork it was deemed acceptable...untying A I checked in and provided some more comfort.....my turn.
A decided to do a simple tie and leave me lying on my left side, with my left leg in a frog-tie and my right leg suspended from the ring. We had to wait a while as all the instructors were busy so, I tested my mobility flipping myself to my front and rolled around, testing the integrity of the tie as well as the dynamic nature of the position...an incredible feeling with one leg supported, the other bound and the rest of your body free to support itself on from the ring. After Lorelei's approval we had a quick lecture and demo on 3 full suspension positions: facing the ground, the ceiling, and the side; learning how to properly attached a hip harness to our bottom for lower body support.
As A began rigging me for my suspension, she doubled up the chest harness for additional support and secured a hip harness around in preparation for a face down suspension. Once secured and checked, she put all of her body weight into the rope lifting her feet off the ground got me up halfway. On her second pull I looked over and saw her feet leave the ground, but I didn't budge...stifling a laugh....Griffin to the rescue again! The weight disparity and the friction created from the first hoist had left me stuck; with the two of them pulling I quickly popped into position.
Hanging suspended was an intense feeling; one and a half arm's lengths from the ground I hung there for about 10 minutes as A rigged my feet up to the ring into a lying down L shape. I'm not sure if I ever really got into the proper headspace but could feel the tightened ropes around my hips and chest, and especially in my lower abdominal region. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be as much of a workout as it was but my abs were fully flexed the whole time providing support to my back and upper body. I quickly transitioned to yoga breathing to maintain the feeling of calm and to ensure that my muscles remained relaxed. The constriction about my chest was lovely as the majority of my weight had shifted to the chest harness. Releasing me I could feel the blood rushing back to parts of my body that had been drained; A had checked in numerous times during my suspension and now that I had 2 feet on the floor she ensured I was doing ok, I was.
A and I negotiated a side suspension for her, but we had to move quickly as we were running out of practice time. Chest harness, with her arms free and a side hip harness as a lower secure point. I didn't have much of a problem hoisting her up into the air and as my ties got approval I checked in and supported her head with my arm, spinning her slightly allowing her to enjoy the weightlessness. She lay there suspended for a couple of minutes before Max called the class to order with the snap of a single tail. As I brought A down gently we embraced to check and I wrapped Monk's rope, returning it to its case.
As Max summarized the class he did a hair bondage demo on Lorelei hoisting her up by her hair through the ring so that she was on her tip-toes; really a wonderful pose and demo. After class I assisted with clean-up and was the last to receive my certificate of completion. As I was saying good-bye to Max he invited me to accompany him, A, Griffin, and Lorelei to dinner...an offer that I quickly accepted.
Dinner was a privilege; an honour to be permitted into their inner circle, something I couldn't have planned or hoped for. It was a wonderful experience to get to know all of them not only as instructors but also on a personal level....their poly lives, BDSM explorations and who they are as individuals outside of class.....a feeling that gave me a high the whole 3 hour drive home. This was a weekend that I wouldn't soon forget or replicate....however as I write this I'm back in Seattle for SEAF and oh what a night last night was; not a replication of the previous weekend, but the feeling of acceptance into a community I've longed for.....words cannot describe.
As the demo ended and class began A settled into her seat next to me that I had set aside for her. Sitting next to her I could feel our connection from the day before, almost an electricity to it. We were lectured about partial suspension and how it can be more strenuous on the equipment because of the dynamic load, as the bottom could bounce or lift their feet off the ground to put more strain than just their body weight on the rope and suspension ring. We also learned how to untie someone safely from a suspended or partial suspended position....which body parts to release first and how to adjust the body position so that the bottom wouldn't fall over. We also learned how to provide more body support (more rope) and different ways to tie off the lines from the body to the ring.
We spent most of the morning practicing knots and before I knew it it was lunch time. I sat alone with A and we continued our discussion of our poly lives and how we got into rope bondage. It was interesting to hear about how she got into the BDSM world and came to working with Max. I told her how J and I had spent about a year and a half researching the poly lifestyle before actually entering the world so that we could be prepared as much as possible; however we both agreed that no matter how much you thought you knew every relationship is its own animal.
After lunch and practicing knots on our rope bags, it was time to practice partial suspension and were given 5 pictures of different partials to attempt. I went with a hog-tie partial as it allowed me to practice parallel lashing as well as a chest harness. As I began tying the harness, A turned to me and said, "I'm feeling a little tired today, so you're going to have to hurt me a little bit to wake me up.' Note taken!!! Off I went securely tying her hands behind her back with a little extra pull to provide her with her requested pain......After tying her feet I got into trouble trying to figure out a secure tie point to provide the proper arch. As I struggled with the tie I asked Griffin if he could provide some guidance, however no matter what he provided I couldn't seem to figure out how to finish off the bind properly...quickly getting out of my head and starting to stress.
With J one of my topping issues was losing control of the scene and allowing her and myself to fall out of our headspace. As my brain was racing I checked in with A and she said he hands were okay but she could tell they were going to lose feeling soon, at least my wrist tie was working....I attempted once more to complete the arch, but quickly realized it wasn't working. I untied her completely and held her from behind to make sure she was okay....retrenching that connection to let her know I was present, luckily we were both able to maintain our headspace and proceed, which was a great learning experience for me as it was something that I've always struggled with. As she relaxed I began another bind, tying her right ankle to right wrist to provide a side arch, looping that through the ring twice I pulled up lifting her torso and leg off the group, so that she was only supported by her left hip and leg. From almost falling out of our heads to a quick recovery I was elated, as Griffin checked on my handiwork it was deemed acceptable...untying A I checked in and provided some more comfort.....my turn.
A decided to do a simple tie and leave me lying on my left side, with my left leg in a frog-tie and my right leg suspended from the ring. We had to wait a while as all the instructors were busy so, I tested my mobility flipping myself to my front and rolled around, testing the integrity of the tie as well as the dynamic nature of the position...an incredible feeling with one leg supported, the other bound and the rest of your body free to support itself on from the ring. After Lorelei's approval we had a quick lecture and demo on 3 full suspension positions: facing the ground, the ceiling, and the side; learning how to properly attached a hip harness to our bottom for lower body support.
As A began rigging me for my suspension, she doubled up the chest harness for additional support and secured a hip harness around in preparation for a face down suspension. Once secured and checked, she put all of her body weight into the rope lifting her feet off the ground got me up halfway. On her second pull I looked over and saw her feet leave the ground, but I didn't budge...stifling a laugh....Griffin to the rescue again! The weight disparity and the friction created from the first hoist had left me stuck; with the two of them pulling I quickly popped into position.
Hanging suspended was an intense feeling; one and a half arm's lengths from the ground I hung there for about 10 minutes as A rigged my feet up to the ring into a lying down L shape. I'm not sure if I ever really got into the proper headspace but could feel the tightened ropes around my hips and chest, and especially in my lower abdominal region. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be as much of a workout as it was but my abs were fully flexed the whole time providing support to my back and upper body. I quickly transitioned to yoga breathing to maintain the feeling of calm and to ensure that my muscles remained relaxed. The constriction about my chest was lovely as the majority of my weight had shifted to the chest harness. Releasing me I could feel the blood rushing back to parts of my body that had been drained; A had checked in numerous times during my suspension and now that I had 2 feet on the floor she ensured I was doing ok, I was.
A and I negotiated a side suspension for her, but we had to move quickly as we were running out of practice time. Chest harness, with her arms free and a side hip harness as a lower secure point. I didn't have much of a problem hoisting her up into the air and as my ties got approval I checked in and supported her head with my arm, spinning her slightly allowing her to enjoy the weightlessness. She lay there suspended for a couple of minutes before Max called the class to order with the snap of a single tail. As I brought A down gently we embraced to check and I wrapped Monk's rope, returning it to its case.
As Max summarized the class he did a hair bondage demo on Lorelei hoisting her up by her hair through the ring so that she was on her tip-toes; really a wonderful pose and demo. After class I assisted with clean-up and was the last to receive my certificate of completion. As I was saying good-bye to Max he invited me to accompany him, A, Griffin, and Lorelei to dinner...an offer that I quickly accepted.
Dinner was a privilege; an honour to be permitted into their inner circle, something I couldn't have planned or hoped for. It was a wonderful experience to get to know all of them not only as instructors but also on a personal level....their poly lives, BDSM explorations and who they are as individuals outside of class.....a feeling that gave me a high the whole 3 hour drive home. This was a weekend that I wouldn't soon forget or replicate....however as I write this I'm back in Seattle for SEAF and oh what a night last night was; not a replication of the previous weekend, but the feeling of acceptance into a community I've longed for.....words cannot describe.
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