An article that Mistress Matisse wrote for her Strange column today about poly people dating monogamous people got me thinking about when is the right time to tell someone you're poly and/or kinky. Ethically, I feel that you should tell someone as soon as possible before either party gets too emotionally invested in the other, however in practice this ends up being more difficult than it appears.
One girl I told after a couple of weeks of seeing her exploded and said that her whole opinion of me changed and we haven't seen each other since, while another said she enjoyed my company but had no interest in non-monogamy or kink and didn't want to hear about anything I did related to either. We continued to see each other for a few weeks, but eventually the relationship ran its course. I have only once brought up the poly conversation on a first date and this was when I was still with J, the woman was fine with it and we saw each other a couple of times, but nothing really transpired until after J and I broke up and then only briefly.
As with most things it really depends on the type of person that you are disclosing your lifestyle to, however I think if the relationship is going to work for better or for worse, honestly is the best policy and you should discuss your poly beliefs within the first couple of dates.
What about kink? Outside of people I've met at kink events, my interest in kink is not known by many people I meet for the first time. The other night I had a bunch of people I recently met over and spent 10 minutes running around hiding toys and books, as I was sure (and rightly so) that there'd be snooping. I'm generally pretty matter of fact about my kink, however if it's a young lady that I may be interested in having as a partner I feel like I should bring her along slowly, but am I really going to hide all my toys and books every time I see her? That just doesn't seem practical. And while, I am able to have sexual relations with someone without kink involved I think from an ethical perspective full disclosure again is the only way to go. Either that or I should just stop dating people that I think are vanilla, which is no fun as it severely limits your dating pool, especially in Vancouver.
The question comes to me with everyone I meet and it's one of those things that I have to get used to being both poly and kinky; as with most things in life...it's a work in progress.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Things I Miss
Things I miss:
- Getting a hug before I leave for work
- Not having to grocery shop alone
- Coming home to the sounds of music and smell of baking
- The smell of the person you love
- Walking the dog
- Cooking dinner for more than one
- Having someone to share awkward situations with
This was a list I made almost 3 months ago now. I've tried and on occasion have successfully satisfied one or two of these misses in a given week (sometimes even in a day!) but have been unable to fulfill them all on a regular (or somewhat regular) basis. I still have my side of the bed and since I don't move very much while asleep the other side is always untouched. The condo is quiet when I arrive home and always smells the same. The only item that I can consistently satisfy is cooking for more than one person because....well....everyone likes a free meal and to be cooked for on occasion.
My nostalgia and sense of loss has grown the last day or two, I think brought on by my having dinner with some old friends last night, who discuss things I have no interest in discussing and want things that I have no interest in wanting. The lack of an outlet to voice a mutual disinterest makes me uninterested in making an attempt to continue the conversation, knowing I'm the only one that's uncomfortable in the setting. I'm not the type of person who will feign interest, so I left the meal before I burst at the seams with my honesty. The perspective it gave me was haunting....
- Getting a hug before I leave for work
- Not having to grocery shop alone
- Coming home to the sounds of music and smell of baking
- The smell of the person you love
- Walking the dog
- Cooking dinner for more than one
- Having someone to share awkward situations with
This was a list I made almost 3 months ago now. I've tried and on occasion have successfully satisfied one or two of these misses in a given week (sometimes even in a day!) but have been unable to fulfill them all on a regular (or somewhat regular) basis. I still have my side of the bed and since I don't move very much while asleep the other side is always untouched. The condo is quiet when I arrive home and always smells the same. The only item that I can consistently satisfy is cooking for more than one person because....well....everyone likes a free meal and to be cooked for on occasion.
My nostalgia and sense of loss has grown the last day or two, I think brought on by my having dinner with some old friends last night, who discuss things I have no interest in discussing and want things that I have no interest in wanting. The lack of an outlet to voice a mutual disinterest makes me uninterested in making an attempt to continue the conversation, knowing I'm the only one that's uncomfortable in the setting. I'm not the type of person who will feign interest, so I left the meal before I burst at the seams with my honesty. The perspective it gave me was haunting....
Monday, July 12, 2010
S/M Tendencies
Over the past couple of weeks I'm beginning to get a much better understanding of where my S/M tendencies lie. J has always called me a masochist because of certain things that I continually do to myself:
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring
These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.
On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.
How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring
These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.
On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.
How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Out
During my road trip I told pretty much anyone I had a chance to talk to for an extended period of time that I was both poly and kinky; some needed a little bit more explanation about what that means, others knew right away, but the interesting thing was that everyone I told (all of whom were vanilla, at least as far as I'm aware) asked questions and continued the conversation instead of running for the hills. So either I have some amazing friends or it's just not that big of a deal anymore, while I wish the latter were true, I think in this situation the former is the case. However, I think as the world and both sexes evolve there is less and less of a stigma attached to being either poly or kinky.
So with that knowledge in hand, last night I came out to my dad as both poly and kinky....the reaction was, well, what I expected from my dad; complete and utter acceptance. He asked a few questions and thanked me for sharing it with him but that was about it. My decision to come out to him stemmed from him coming out of his shell after 64 years of life, brought on by his recent Caribbean cruise that he went on with a lady that he met 23 years ago when both of them were married, an amazing story to say the least. And I figured that now was as good a time as any, especially as I'm finding my footing more and more in this 'brave new world' as my Dad called it. As a good parent, his only concern was my safety from STIs, which anyone that lives the same life that I do knows are a huge part of being both poly and kinky and is a conversation that happens very near the beginning of any sexual relationship in this lifestyle. I know for me it's something that comes up within the first couple of dates, once I decide a person may be worth seeing more of; it's also an easy way to filter out people that aren't interested in the way we live. Where I live, the number of poly/kinky friends I have are few in number, so it's especially important when meeting vanilla people, as it separates those that are truly vanilla from those that are interested, but have yet to have the opportunity to explore. Yes, sometimes this can blow up in your face, but if you prepare for the worst and are open and honest, you'll be amazed at how often you're surprised.
I'm lucky to have a family as close as I do and one so accepting, I know for a lot of individuals coming out is a huge deal, as most parents are not accepting of the lifestyle that we have chosen to live. While I may be in a unique family situation, I think the way to approach it is the same for everyone. Be confident, be honest, and have faith that your family loves you for you, no matter what life you chose to lead. Your family is your family and they love you unconditionally; I've come to understand that if they understand your reasons for living the life you've chosen to live that they will accept it. The stumbling block is giving them the time to understand those reasons. The other night I was talking to one of my sister's best friends (and yes, vanilla) and told her about Blip and how our dynamic works, what I get out of it and what she gets out of it. To which she replied, "interesting, you see things in movies and such and it always seems degrading, but when you put it that way it's not at all." And this was all over a 10-minute conversation; I was able to express to her how it works and why it works. It also helps that she knows the type of person I am and knows I would never abuse the relationship I'm in, which can be a concern if the D in the D/S relationship is unethical, but that's a discussion for another time.
So with that knowledge in hand, last night I came out to my dad as both poly and kinky....the reaction was, well, what I expected from my dad; complete and utter acceptance. He asked a few questions and thanked me for sharing it with him but that was about it. My decision to come out to him stemmed from him coming out of his shell after 64 years of life, brought on by his recent Caribbean cruise that he went on with a lady that he met 23 years ago when both of them were married, an amazing story to say the least. And I figured that now was as good a time as any, especially as I'm finding my footing more and more in this 'brave new world' as my Dad called it. As a good parent, his only concern was my safety from STIs, which anyone that lives the same life that I do knows are a huge part of being both poly and kinky and is a conversation that happens very near the beginning of any sexual relationship in this lifestyle. I know for me it's something that comes up within the first couple of dates, once I decide a person may be worth seeing more of; it's also an easy way to filter out people that aren't interested in the way we live. Where I live, the number of poly/kinky friends I have are few in number, so it's especially important when meeting vanilla people, as it separates those that are truly vanilla from those that are interested, but have yet to have the opportunity to explore. Yes, sometimes this can blow up in your face, but if you prepare for the worst and are open and honest, you'll be amazed at how often you're surprised.
I'm lucky to have a family as close as I do and one so accepting, I know for a lot of individuals coming out is a huge deal, as most parents are not accepting of the lifestyle that we have chosen to live. While I may be in a unique family situation, I think the way to approach it is the same for everyone. Be confident, be honest, and have faith that your family loves you for you, no matter what life you chose to lead. Your family is your family and they love you unconditionally; I've come to understand that if they understand your reasons for living the life you've chosen to live that they will accept it. The stumbling block is giving them the time to understand those reasons. The other night I was talking to one of my sister's best friends (and yes, vanilla) and told her about Blip and how our dynamic works, what I get out of it and what she gets out of it. To which she replied, "interesting, you see things in movies and such and it always seems degrading, but when you put it that way it's not at all." And this was all over a 10-minute conversation; I was able to express to her how it works and why it works. It also helps that she knows the type of person I am and knows I would never abuse the relationship I'm in, which can be a concern if the D in the D/S relationship is unethical, but that's a discussion for another time.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Home Sweet Home?
I'm back from my 5,600km, 14-day marathon road trip through the US. Met some interesting people and had a chance to think about things that needed to be thought about, something that I think I should do more of. The interesting thing about this trip was that this was the first time in a long time that I didn't want to come home. Over the last number of years, I've always looked forward to coming home when I've been off on my own, but I didn't want to nor did I feel the need to. It was as if I could've stayed traveling until I got tired of it, probably because for the first time in a long time I had nothing to come home to. Sure my family is here, but we've been all over the map and don't see each other often and I know I could keep connected with them wherever I was. And yes I do have close friends, but I've been drifting further and further apart from them as my life has become more entrenched in both poly and kink, which they don't understand. Of course there's my job, but I was able to keep up with what I needed to keep up with while on the road taking an hour here or there to answer emails or look at proposals and I know I could do that wherever I was in the world. Needless to say it was an interesting feeling and one I'm not sure that I fully understand yet. I know why I felt the feeling, but I'm just not sure what to do with it yet.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A walk
Strolling through the gate
As if on a cloud
An air of difference and beauty
Increasing her intrigue
Matched only by knowing the beauty inside
Altering a life 6 years ago today
As if on a cloud
An air of difference and beauty
Increasing her intrigue
Matched only by knowing the beauty inside
Altering a life 6 years ago today
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