I have this theory about how when one partner goes on a vacation without the other it often leads to the end of their relationship. As I sit here writing this, it seems like such a silly concept; however over the course of my life I've had this happen to me on 4 different occasions, 3 of which would be what I would consider my most important relationships:
- My high school girlfriend from my senior year went away over Christmas for 10-days and within 2 days of coming back broke up with me to be with another guy
- Before J I was in a relationship for a year and my partner was away in Hong Kong for 3 weeks, while I spent 10 days in Hawaii for a wedding and within 2 days of us both being back in Vancouver I broke up with her to be with J, who herself at that time was in a casual relationship with her ex
- J was in Italy for a 6-week field school, although in this case it took 7-months for the relationship to come to an end but the feelings began to build during the field school, ultimately leading to our break-up; as the time alone allowed her to discover some things about herself;
When you're younger I think the explanation is easier, you have a long life ahead of you and a short attention span. However, as you grow more mature and your relationships become more significant, you'd think that this wouldn't hold true, but my history says that it does. In the case of J, I wonder if I jinxed our relationship because when she got into the field school I said it was going to lead to the end of our relationship, which at the time worried and upset her, but maybe my belief planted a seed of doubt her mind about us. I'll never know, but I wonder about it sometimes.
As I said the concept seems silly, especially since I know lots of people who take vacations without their partners and they stay together; but what if the length of the vacation has something to do with it. For instance, if you've been together for 6 years and one partner takes a 3-week vacation they'll be fine, but what about if that vacation was 7-weeks, would the same hold true? The separation of partners can lead to them forgetting what they enjoy about each other, it gives them time to think about themselves and evaluate where there are in life so that when they get back with their partner their mind is already on to the next thing. I don't believe in soul mates, maybe if I did I would say love conquers all and it doesn't matter where in the world you are you will always love your soul mate; but I think many people in the world are never satisfied; they'll always be on the lookout for the next best thing and when given the time to think about it, it's not what they have.
I think how vacations affect relationships would make for an interesting study and if I was an anthropologist instead of a CFO, I might undertake it.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Lack of Color
One of the great things about shuffling your iPod is coming across songs that you have that you haven't heard for a while. This morning one of these songs, A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie, really spoke to me. The words made me think of J and my break-up.....Enjoy....
Monday, March 29, 2010
Remaining Open....
When J are I were breaking up she said she didn't think I was going to continue believing in open relationships. I try not to speculate as to why she said that but I've been thinking about why being poly works for me. It's taken me a while to get used to being alone, I still don't enjoy it but I think I'm getting used to it (and better yet the drinking and smoking alone on weekdays has almost completely ceased....as I open a bottle of wine...whoops!). Due to my not liking being alone I've been out...a lot....and as a consequence I've met or gone on dates with a number of women in the past little while. With a couple of them, I've gotten to my belief in open relationships, however the conversations haven't really progressed farther than me telling them I believe in them and that I was in one with J.
Every time I bring it up (and I will continue to do so to make sure they know they aren't changing me....women are like that sometimes) there's always a look of apprehension and a quick subject change. It's made me think about why I'm hanging out with a particular girl. After watching the Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader the other night, S said,
"I don't think I'm the girl for you."
To which I replied, "Probably not but that doesn't mean we can't hang out; that's one of the reasons I believe in open relationships. I get something from you and can get other things I need from someone else."
That ended the conversation pretty fast....
The funny thing is the more people I meet the more I believe in open relationships. I try not to compare the women I meet to J, but it's tough when I remember the things that made us so right together. Comparatively, no one I've met has even half of the things in common that J and I do. I've been out with women who don't like dogs....don't like books....don't like quotes....like cats....aren't kinky....and the funny thing is when I tell them what I believe in, you can see the gears in their head turning thinking about how they're going to change me. Ending things before anything gets too far would be the easy thing to do, but the process is way too interesting.
I've realized something about my life; I enjoy making people's lives better. Everyone I meet I want to look back years from now and say they remember me and were glad that they met me. Not because I'm going to buy them things but because I'm going to open them up to a different view of the world. Will some fall for me and get hurt? Probably, but there's nothing that I can do to avoid that. I'm open and honest and will give them all of the information they need to make an informed decision about who I am and what I'm looking for and if they decide to see me a different way, I can't help that. But in situations where that happens I believe that they will still look back and know that I enhanced their life.
What happens if I fall for someone? Maybe I'm naive but I can't see that happening, not because I know my person is out there and not with me, but because I don't need constant someone to be happy. I've only just realized this; I can be happy knowing that I've benefited someone's life through who I am. The other night my sister said S was really pretty. I replied,
"Ya she is, but she really isn't the right girl for me, I can't see us ever being together."
My sister said that my comment gave her hope in men, in that a guy could meet a hot, sexy woman who's into him but still not want to be with her. She meant it in the context of her boyfriend, who's a DJ, and is constantly bombarding with women (some of whom my sister feels are more attractive than her) but that he's not tempted because of what he has, namely my sister. It took me a while to wrap my head around it, but now I understand, and when I did I realized that because of who I am, a guy who's not just looking to hook up and move on to the next fuck...that I can offer something that I know a lot of guys out there can't. And if I can restore a little faith in men and make women think differently, not just about men but about relationships in general, I think I can be happy in life....and remaining open is a big part of that.
Every time I bring it up (and I will continue to do so to make sure they know they aren't changing me....women are like that sometimes) there's always a look of apprehension and a quick subject change. It's made me think about why I'm hanging out with a particular girl. After watching the Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader the other night, S said,
"I don't think I'm the girl for you."
To which I replied, "Probably not but that doesn't mean we can't hang out; that's one of the reasons I believe in open relationships. I get something from you and can get other things I need from someone else."
That ended the conversation pretty fast....
The funny thing is the more people I meet the more I believe in open relationships. I try not to compare the women I meet to J, but it's tough when I remember the things that made us so right together. Comparatively, no one I've met has even half of the things in common that J and I do. I've been out with women who don't like dogs....don't like books....don't like quotes....like cats....aren't kinky....and the funny thing is when I tell them what I believe in, you can see the gears in their head turning thinking about how they're going to change me. Ending things before anything gets too far would be the easy thing to do, but the process is way too interesting.
I've realized something about my life; I enjoy making people's lives better. Everyone I meet I want to look back years from now and say they remember me and were glad that they met me. Not because I'm going to buy them things but because I'm going to open them up to a different view of the world. Will some fall for me and get hurt? Probably, but there's nothing that I can do to avoid that. I'm open and honest and will give them all of the information they need to make an informed decision about who I am and what I'm looking for and if they decide to see me a different way, I can't help that. But in situations where that happens I believe that they will still look back and know that I enhanced their life.
What happens if I fall for someone? Maybe I'm naive but I can't see that happening, not because I know my person is out there and not with me, but because I don't need constant someone to be happy. I've only just realized this; I can be happy knowing that I've benefited someone's life through who I am. The other night my sister said S was really pretty. I replied,
"Ya she is, but she really isn't the right girl for me, I can't see us ever being together."
My sister said that my comment gave her hope in men, in that a guy could meet a hot, sexy woman who's into him but still not want to be with her. She meant it in the context of her boyfriend, who's a DJ, and is constantly bombarding with women (some of whom my sister feels are more attractive than her) but that he's not tempted because of what he has, namely my sister. It took me a while to wrap my head around it, but now I understand, and when I did I realized that because of who I am, a guy who's not just looking to hook up and move on to the next fuck...that I can offer something that I know a lot of guys out there can't. And if I can restore a little faith in men and make women think differently, not just about men but about relationships in general, I think I can be happy in life....and remaining open is a big part of that.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Happy Birthday
Today is J's birthday, first one in 6 years that I won't have seen her on, let alone spent with her, and it leaves a void in my heart. I remember the first one we spent together; I had been dispatched to Saskatoon for work 2 weeks before and I made sure that the company paid for me to fly home the weekend of her birthday so that I could spend it with her. I'm the type of guy that goes overboard with presents (or at least that's what J always told me), I just always had so many ideas and didn't want to wait on something that I knew would be loved, enjoyed and cherished; life's short, why wait? Needless to say I'm at a bit of a loss today; 2 months ago I knew what I was going to get her and do for her birthday this year and knew she would've loved both; instead I had to go the way of a card and tickets to a couple of shows...great shows mind you....but not what I had in mind this year. And yes, we are trying to figure out how to be friends...is it hard? Of course it is...it's even harder seeing her only once or twice a week....but I don't think either one of us really wants the other to not be a part of their life....I know I don't.
J, whatever you're doing today; I hope you have a fantastic birthday...I'll be thinking of you.
J, whatever you're doing today; I hope you have a fantastic birthday...I'll be thinking of you.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
What is a slut?
Last night as I was having dinner with a friend, S, I complimented her on being sexy; which she took very negatively. "Too many guys think I'm sexy," she said and that if she's perceived as sexy then she's seen as being a slut; men look at her in a different way and treat her accordingly. There always seems to be a lot said about women being slutty and it has a very negative connotation in most circles, but why? A slut is defined by dictionary.com as "A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous." But what about men? If I sleep with 50 women, should I not be considered a slut? Given the definition I'd be sexually promiscuous, so technically yes I should be a slut, but invariably we are not; rather we're seen as studly, virile people.
If a woman has slept with 50 or 5 people what is the difference? Should there be any? I don't think so. The only distinction I may make is that the woman who's been with 50 may be more sexually experienced that the one who's only slept with 5; but even that's inaccurate. I know some women who have been with only a few guys that are much more sexually experienced than ones that have been with many. How can that be possible? Because they've had the opportunity to develop their sexuality in a few longer term relationships and reach a level that someone who's had more casual encounters cannot reach.
For instance, if a woman enjoys vanilla sex 50 times with multiple partners, while the other enjoys BDSM with 5, who then is the slut? I know many guys who would have a problem making that distinction, they might even consider both of them sluts. In my view it's neither. Both are experiencing life in their own way and is that not the point of living? And even if someone perceives you as a slut, why should that be a bad thing?
Historically a good woman is seen as someone who stays home and looks after the family, leaving the man to do what he wants...just look at the TV show Mad Men set in the ad world of the 60s. But society has changed and this historical view is no longer the case, we've evolved to the point where a woman can do anything a man can; why then should she not enjoy the same perception that a man gets when it comes to her sexuality? I can't answer that, but I told S to enjoy being who she is and live life the way she wants to; who cares what someone thinks or says about you, being sexy should be a good thing. If you don't like the way someone's treating you, leave or tell them to fuck off. I know it takes a strong person to be able to have this faith in themselves, as we are constantly bombarded with trying to fall into a certain perception society has of us and until we can get out from under those shackles I fear that people will never be completely happy with who they are, instead looking to others for acceptance.
Given its negative connotations, I think the word slut shouldn't be used, at least not in the context that it is and certainly not as a derogatory remark. But alas, I think we are a long way off from that happening. I plan to do my part and educate as many as I can that the apparent power that this word has should not continue, hopefully you agree and do the same.
If a woman has slept with 50 or 5 people what is the difference? Should there be any? I don't think so. The only distinction I may make is that the woman who's been with 50 may be more sexually experienced that the one who's only slept with 5; but even that's inaccurate. I know some women who have been with only a few guys that are much more sexually experienced than ones that have been with many. How can that be possible? Because they've had the opportunity to develop their sexuality in a few longer term relationships and reach a level that someone who's had more casual encounters cannot reach.
For instance, if a woman enjoys vanilla sex 50 times with multiple partners, while the other enjoys BDSM with 5, who then is the slut? I know many guys who would have a problem making that distinction, they might even consider both of them sluts. In my view it's neither. Both are experiencing life in their own way and is that not the point of living? And even if someone perceives you as a slut, why should that be a bad thing?
Historically a good woman is seen as someone who stays home and looks after the family, leaving the man to do what he wants...just look at the TV show Mad Men set in the ad world of the 60s. But society has changed and this historical view is no longer the case, we've evolved to the point where a woman can do anything a man can; why then should she not enjoy the same perception that a man gets when it comes to her sexuality? I can't answer that, but I told S to enjoy being who she is and live life the way she wants to; who cares what someone thinks or says about you, being sexy should be a good thing. If you don't like the way someone's treating you, leave or tell them to fuck off. I know it takes a strong person to be able to have this faith in themselves, as we are constantly bombarded with trying to fall into a certain perception society has of us and until we can get out from under those shackles I fear that people will never be completely happy with who they are, instead looking to others for acceptance.
Given its negative connotations, I think the word slut shouldn't be used, at least not in the context that it is and certainly not as a derogatory remark. But alas, I think we are a long way off from that happening. I plan to do my part and educate as many as I can that the apparent power that this word has should not continue, hopefully you agree and do the same.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
TV
I have many blog ideas ready to go that are completely unrelated to J and I, but seeing as today I wrote J an email regarding our condo, she's been on my mind for most of the night and this topic fits much better with my current mood; which I feel bad about as it was completely unfair to my date for Shutter Island tonight. (Quick movie review: I wasn't expecting much but it was a brilliant story and not at all as scary as the trailers made it out to be; I highly recommend it if you haven't already seen it). Poor girl kept asking if I was ok, what was wrong and how my hand was...apparently I hit something Friday night, no idea was it was but I woke up with my hand looking like this:
It's still bruised and swollen, but getting better I think....yes I'm a guy and sometimes my emotions get the better of me.
What was the point of this post again? Oh right, TV....there are some TV shows that J and I have watched religiously over the years and with the power of the PVR I'd saved our favourites since we broke up as we had planned to get together as friends and watch them. As it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon I watched one....Chuck. Now Chuck has this one character played by Adam Baldwin, Casey, who was in Firefly (TV series from Joss Whedon...ok I'm a little bit of a TV nerd) and he is fantastic....from his mannerisms to growls to delivery. This episode was no different; but it was the first time I'd watched this show without J. So when Casey delivered this one line at the end of the episode it gave me goosebumps as I could hear as clear as day J saying with a cute little smile on her lips, "I love Casey," which brought a smile to my face, while at the same time making me sad. It really is the little things like this that you don't think about until they happen and affect you like they do; strange how life works.
It's still bruised and swollen, but getting better I think....yes I'm a guy and sometimes my emotions get the better of me.
What was the point of this post again? Oh right, TV....there are some TV shows that J and I have watched religiously over the years and with the power of the PVR I'd saved our favourites since we broke up as we had planned to get together as friends and watch them. As it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon I watched one....Chuck. Now Chuck has this one character played by Adam Baldwin, Casey, who was in Firefly (TV series from Joss Whedon...ok I'm a little bit of a TV nerd) and he is fantastic....from his mannerisms to growls to delivery. This episode was no different; but it was the first time I'd watched this show without J. So when Casey delivered this one line at the end of the episode it gave me goosebumps as I could hear as clear as day J saying with a cute little smile on her lips, "I love Casey," which brought a smile to my face, while at the same time making me sad. It really is the little things like this that you don't think about until they happen and affect you like they do; strange how life works.
Monday, March 22, 2010
..Whiskey keeps me warmer than sunshine...
A couple of people I know made a video for a competition they've entered for Aveda Light products, if you're interested you can check out their video here. I don't do shameless plugs, but their video did bring a song to my attention that has a fantastic beat, the full version is below.
Aloe Blacc - I Need a Dollar
Maybe it's because I've been drinking a little bit too much lately, but I really like the line "...wine is good to me it helps me pass the time, and my good old buddy whiskey keeps me warmer than sunshine...." Anyways, enjoy the song.
Aloe Blacc - I Need a Dollar
Maybe it's because I've been drinking a little bit too much lately, but I really like the line "...wine is good to me it helps me pass the time, and my good old buddy whiskey keeps me warmer than sunshine...." Anyways, enjoy the song.
In my head
There will always be someone in my head....since 9am this morning I had the following CarnalNation article up on my web browser waiting to be read. Just got around to reading it now and happened across the knowledge that J had read it a couple of hours a go; made me smile knowing that no matter what happens we will always have a connection. If you get the chance you should read the article, finally some good news out of the States regarding sexuality. Even gives me a little bit of hope that certain parts of the US may eventually come around and stop being so afraid of sexuality. Yes, yes I know this'll never happen, but a guy can hope, can't he?
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Distracted
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss
It's funny the things yoga instructors say at the end of a yoga class, the Dr. Seuss quote is just one example. I just got back from one of the worst classes I've ever been to; not because the instructor was bad but because I was incredibly distracted. I didn't have anything in particular on my mind, everything frustrated me.....the kids in the yoga studio...the almost naked man in front of me...the gong the instructor kept hitting (ok so maybe it was a little bit about the instructor). At the beginning of class, it's always said to clear your mind and leave whatever ails you outside of the studio, but today I just couldn't do it because it wasn't anything in particular just a feeling I couldn't shake. Since my last conversation with J, today was the first day that I hadn't been on the go, I spent most of the day at home with my thoughts, which for me is never a good thing. However, I do feel I'm becoming more and more used to being alone; I still don't like it but it's becoming easier. And other than a drunken text message to J late Friday night and her Saturday afternoon reply, we haven't contacted each other, which is why I'm distracted. My life is missing my person.
I think the reason that the quote spoke to me is I've always tried to live my life as openly and honestly as I could. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which isn't always a good thing, but that's me. I've never cared about what others thought of me (and still don't); if they have a problem with the person I am then they can choose to not be around me. One of the reasons I've been updating my blog so regularly is because I'm not ready to be the person I am with new people as I don't think they could handle my openness and honesty. And as I no longer have J to share myself with I needed a vehicle for that part of me; so thank-you to those that read. I also want to be able to look at this quote in the future in case I forget who I am; I don't believe I'll forget that, but just in case the brilliant Dr. Seuss will make sure to remind me.
Dr. Seuss
It's funny the things yoga instructors say at the end of a yoga class, the Dr. Seuss quote is just one example. I just got back from one of the worst classes I've ever been to; not because the instructor was bad but because I was incredibly distracted. I didn't have anything in particular on my mind, everything frustrated me.....the kids in the yoga studio...the almost naked man in front of me...the gong the instructor kept hitting (ok so maybe it was a little bit about the instructor). At the beginning of class, it's always said to clear your mind and leave whatever ails you outside of the studio, but today I just couldn't do it because it wasn't anything in particular just a feeling I couldn't shake. Since my last conversation with J, today was the first day that I hadn't been on the go, I spent most of the day at home with my thoughts, which for me is never a good thing. However, I do feel I'm becoming more and more used to being alone; I still don't like it but it's becoming easier. And other than a drunken text message to J late Friday night and her Saturday afternoon reply, we haven't contacted each other, which is why I'm distracted. My life is missing my person.
I think the reason that the quote spoke to me is I've always tried to live my life as openly and honestly as I could. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which isn't always a good thing, but that's me. I've never cared about what others thought of me (and still don't); if they have a problem with the person I am then they can choose to not be around me. One of the reasons I've been updating my blog so regularly is because I'm not ready to be the person I am with new people as I don't think they could handle my openness and honesty. And as I no longer have J to share myself with I needed a vehicle for that part of me; so thank-you to those that read. I also want to be able to look at this quote in the future in case I forget who I am; I don't believe I'll forget that, but just in case the brilliant Dr. Seuss will make sure to remind me.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Another End
Last night J and I were supposed to get together and catch up. She was going to make tuna casserole and we were going to catch up on some of the TV shows we enjoy. I got home from work, expecting her to be there as she said she would the day before, and instead of the smells of cooking there was more emptiness than when I left that morning. Walking into the kitchen I noticed J's cacti were gone....into the bedroom the rest of her books and clothes were gone. The fact that she didn't say she was going to move the rest of her stuff and did made me think something was up. Calling her to ask if we were still hanging out; her hurried reaction was that she'd be back soon to talk, confirming my thoughts that something was indeed up.
About half an hour later she arrived and we sat down on our couch and she said, "I don't think we can be friends right now." Or something to that effect, my memory of what she said and the conversation that followed is a blur due to the emotions flowing through me. Physically I shook. Mentally I crashed. I do remember she said she thought I was waiting for her to come back to me, telling me that she made a mistake. I've had friends tell me that this will happen, but I know it won't. I know she's made up her mind and she's almost as stubborn as I am, so she won't go back on something this big; she'd never say she made a mistake. At least not to me.
I've completely regressed. Emotionally I'm back to where I was 4 weeks ago, when we first broke up and I lost my partner; now I've lost my best friend......the person I want to tell everything, who's advice I trust and who gets me. I'm not sure which one is worse. Her timing is ironic as in the past week I've begun to feel better emotionally. My friends tell me that she knew what she was doing and waited for just the right time to hurt me more....a normal girl may do so, but J is far from normal and knowing her as I do I know she would never do that. What's curious though is what changed between Thursday and Friday. She said she'd been thinking but on Thursday she was asking if she could come over earlier and begin cooking for us and on Friday we can't be friends? That's the thing that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I don't have a right to this information, but I wonder what it is that she's not telling me. I know something must have happened to get her to that point, it'll be a mystery in my life I'm sure.
The state of our future friendship has been left up to her. I told her that when she wants to talk or see me to get in touch with me. I'll leave her alone. Hopefully, if she wants to be friends again I'll be in a place where I'll want to be friends with her too. My fear is that I won't. I'm leaving our contact up to her and knowing how bad she is at keeping in touch with some of her friends, I have this sinking feeling that we'll never be friends again.
On the bright side of yesterday's events, I know that there's not much else that can happen to bring me down any further.
About half an hour later she arrived and we sat down on our couch and she said, "I don't think we can be friends right now." Or something to that effect, my memory of what she said and the conversation that followed is a blur due to the emotions flowing through me. Physically I shook. Mentally I crashed. I do remember she said she thought I was waiting for her to come back to me, telling me that she made a mistake. I've had friends tell me that this will happen, but I know it won't. I know she's made up her mind and she's almost as stubborn as I am, so she won't go back on something this big; she'd never say she made a mistake. At least not to me.
I've completely regressed. Emotionally I'm back to where I was 4 weeks ago, when we first broke up and I lost my partner; now I've lost my best friend......the person I want to tell everything, who's advice I trust and who gets me. I'm not sure which one is worse. Her timing is ironic as in the past week I've begun to feel better emotionally. My friends tell me that she knew what she was doing and waited for just the right time to hurt me more....a normal girl may do so, but J is far from normal and knowing her as I do I know she would never do that. What's curious though is what changed between Thursday and Friday. She said she'd been thinking but on Thursday she was asking if she could come over earlier and begin cooking for us and on Friday we can't be friends? That's the thing that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I don't have a right to this information, but I wonder what it is that she's not telling me. I know something must have happened to get her to that point, it'll be a mystery in my life I'm sure.
The state of our future friendship has been left up to her. I told her that when she wants to talk or see me to get in touch with me. I'll leave her alone. Hopefully, if she wants to be friends again I'll be in a place where I'll want to be friends with her too. My fear is that I won't. I'm leaving our contact up to her and knowing how bad she is at keeping in touch with some of her friends, I have this sinking feeling that we'll never be friends again.
On the bright side of yesterday's events, I know that there's not much else that can happen to bring me down any further.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Practice
One of my regrets in my relationship with J was that we didn't spend enough time playing with rope. After taking a class by Max in Seattle we discovered it's something that we both really enjoyed. While we were together I had a bit of a complex about playing with rope because I wasn't as confident in it as Z was, which made it hard for J to get into the correct headspace needed to really enjoy it with me. Of course, confidence is bred by practice and as we didn't practice much, my confidence didn't grow. Being in a poly relationship I hoped that I would have been able to find a secondary partner that would allow me to develop my skills that I could bring back to my primary partner. The problem with that is it takes a while to develop the comfort and trust with someone to let them tie you up and I unfortunately wasn't able to find that while J and I were together.
I still enjoy rope but have not moved on enough to find someone that I can practice with, I'm sure it'll come someday but in the meantime I've been trying to figure out how I can continue to grow this part of my life. Enter Max again. When we went to his class last October I was put on his email list, so the other day I received an email about a 2-Day Bondage Intensive class at the Center for Sex Positive Culture (CSPC) in Seattle. My first concern was my lack of a practice partner to attend with, I considered asking J but know that we're not at that point as friends/partners or whatever we'll end up as for it to be comfortable, so I emailed Max. In his reply he said that 1/3 to 1/2 arrive without a practice partner and small groups are formed for people to practice together so coming without a practice partner is not a problem at all. Hearing this I signed up. [When J and I were together we had discussed going to this class back in November, but due to the suspension aspect of it we were hesitant; but I figure that if I'm going to improve on my skills in this field of BDSM I may as well jump in head first.] I'd previously considered (and may still do so) getting private lessons with Max so a 2-Day class is a good start. I'm a little nervous about attending an event like this solo, luckily it's not for another month, so I have a while to turn my nervous excitement into excitement.
For the class I was required to buy another 275' of rope (thank-you Monk!), among other things....methinks a new rope drawer will be needed.
I still enjoy rope but have not moved on enough to find someone that I can practice with, I'm sure it'll come someday but in the meantime I've been trying to figure out how I can continue to grow this part of my life. Enter Max again. When we went to his class last October I was put on his email list, so the other day I received an email about a 2-Day Bondage Intensive class at the Center for Sex Positive Culture (CSPC) in Seattle. My first concern was my lack of a practice partner to attend with, I considered asking J but know that we're not at that point as friends/partners or whatever we'll end up as for it to be comfortable, so I emailed Max. In his reply he said that 1/3 to 1/2 arrive without a practice partner and small groups are formed for people to practice together so coming without a practice partner is not a problem at all. Hearing this I signed up. [When J and I were together we had discussed going to this class back in November, but due to the suspension aspect of it we were hesitant; but I figure that if I'm going to improve on my skills in this field of BDSM I may as well jump in head first.] I'd previously considered (and may still do so) getting private lessons with Max so a 2-Day class is a good start. I'm a little nervous about attending an event like this solo, luckily it's not for another month, so I have a while to turn my nervous excitement into excitement.
For the class I was required to buy another 275' of rope (thank-you Monk!), among other things....methinks a new rope drawer will be needed.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Delivery
Today I received a delivery of a couple of toys that I bought before J and I broke up; a 3-ft spreader bar and a hitachi magic wand. These were to be used in play with J, which will not be happening any time soon, if ever. So I'm on the fence....do I keep them or send them back? If I keep them, I'm sure that I'll find someone at some point that I will play with them with; but on the other hand will they remind me of J and bring up memories of what I wanted to do with her. It's a dilemma that I haven't fully worked through yet, but it's something that's been on my mind today.
What Women Want
I've been trying to get out and meet people, women mainly (a guy at the age of 30 trying to pick up a guy as a new friend, is just a little weird, no?), not because I want to meet people or get into a relationship with anyone but just to have someone to talk to....a warm body. Something I've noticed though is that in meeting women, they aren't really interested in who I am, I ask them a question and they'll talk and talk and talk. They don't seem to care or want to ask me anything and if they do they don't remember it when next we talk...in one ear and out the other. In one way that's good because I'm not in a place where I want to share myself with anyone nor discuss my past, but on the other hand I feel guilty because I feel like I'm using them. While I'm not lying to them, I am not disclosing the whole truth and I sometimes get the feeling that they're looking at me like, "hey, here's an attractive, successful guy, who knows where it could lead." I don't feel like I'm lying to them, because they don't ask; which makes me feel a little better. I know if they asked the question I wouldn't skirt the subject, instead tell them where I'm at (I might avoid the warm body comment however) and that my heart belongs to another and that I'd give anything to be able to hold her like I used to.
While I don't feel like I'm moving on, I don't feel like I'm cheating either. I think that's because J and I were in an open relationship and were allowed to date other people while together. I almost feel like we're apart but not really apart. Like we're just separated by a distance that seems much farther than it is. I know deep down that this isn't the case, but it's a feeling I occasionally have, like one day we're just going to fall back together. It is fleeting though...she's beginning to not return my, "I love yous," which in reality I probably shouldn't say anymore, because it hurts when she doesn't return it; but it almost hurts more not to say what's inside of me. I know she won't say it first and the occasional time she says those words bring a smile to my heart, even though I know she probably only says it to appease me.....wow that was a tangent; ok back on topic.....
Are most women like this and I've just been away from the single life for too long? Or have I just happened across women who are too into themselves or have too many drama issues? I don't know, I guess I will only find out in time. Being a good listener is not a bad thing and I just have to be prepared for the question when and if it comes because if I continue seeing the same people I'm sure it'll come up at some point, or will it? Maybe listening will help me figure out what exactly it is that women want; but probably not.
While I don't feel like I'm moving on, I don't feel like I'm cheating either. I think that's because J and I were in an open relationship and were allowed to date other people while together. I almost feel like we're apart but not really apart. Like we're just separated by a distance that seems much farther than it is. I know deep down that this isn't the case, but it's a feeling I occasionally have, like one day we're just going to fall back together. It is fleeting though...she's beginning to not return my, "I love yous," which in reality I probably shouldn't say anymore, because it hurts when she doesn't return it; but it almost hurts more not to say what's inside of me. I know she won't say it first and the occasional time she says those words bring a smile to my heart, even though I know she probably only says it to appease me.....wow that was a tangent; ok back on topic.....
Are most women like this and I've just been away from the single life for too long? Or have I just happened across women who are too into themselves or have too many drama issues? I don't know, I guess I will only find out in time. Being a good listener is not a bad thing and I just have to be prepared for the question when and if it comes because if I continue seeing the same people I'm sure it'll come up at some point, or will it? Maybe listening will help me figure out what exactly it is that women want; but probably not.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Puppy sitting
With J out of town for school, I spent the weekend looking after our dog. She's been with me in our condo doing the things we used to do before her and J moved out; go for walks, the park, running up down the hallway after thrown toys. But there's a change in her during the in between times. She used to stand and stare at me or lie on the floor, but now all she does is pace the room whining or go lie in her kennel. It's like she's upset with me. It's funny how pets can sense change and the moods of a house. Her actions have been very unnerving to me, so I didn't spend a lot of time home with her, which I feel a little bad about. Instead I was out til 430 Friday and 230 Saturday......my liver hates me.
On Friday it was a friend's birthday and after he drank too much and vanished (rather quickly I might add) I stopped at a night club and another friend and I shared a bottle of stoli. All in I figured I had 27 beverages.....Saturday was not a fun day for my head but for some reason while watching the hockey game with a couple of friends I was quickly 5 beer in and off to a lounge my friend runs, Lux. I walk in and there's 20 girls that I went to high school with (some even from elementary!) who were there for a bachelorette. One of the girls I had a crush on all throughout high school....first girl I ever asked out. I remember sitting in my basement calling her and asking her out in grade 8.....which led to another first, my first rejection. Last night she was very drunk and appeared overly interested in everything I had to say, which coupled with her newly enhanced breasts (I've been told she loves to show them off) I'm sure one thing could've led to another, but I was not about to be that guy that crashed a bachelorette party, so as they went off to their next venue I settled comfortably into a bar stool and had 7 vodka sodas....all doubles. Luckily this morning wasn't as rough as yesterday but I didn't accomplish anything that I wanted to this weekend....I guess that's what the week is for.
On Friday it was a friend's birthday and after he drank too much and vanished (rather quickly I might add) I stopped at a night club and another friend and I shared a bottle of stoli. All in I figured I had 27 beverages.....Saturday was not a fun day for my head but for some reason while watching the hockey game with a couple of friends I was quickly 5 beer in and off to a lounge my friend runs, Lux. I walk in and there's 20 girls that I went to high school with (some even from elementary!) who were there for a bachelorette. One of the girls I had a crush on all throughout high school....first girl I ever asked out. I remember sitting in my basement calling her and asking her out in grade 8.....which led to another first, my first rejection. Last night she was very drunk and appeared overly interested in everything I had to say, which coupled with her newly enhanced breasts (I've been told she loves to show them off) I'm sure one thing could've led to another, but I was not about to be that guy that crashed a bachelorette party, so as they went off to their next venue I settled comfortably into a bar stool and had 7 vodka sodas....all doubles. Luckily this morning wasn't as rough as yesterday but I didn't accomplish anything that I wanted to this weekend....I guess that's what the week is for.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Beliefs
I've been doing a lot of yoga recently, started in January not as a New Year's Resolution (I don't believe in them) just as something new to experience. And in 2 months it's almost completely replaced the gym as my daily workout. The only thing that I can't buy into is the spiritual aspect of it. The belief that we are connected with each other and the earth through our energy, a mantra that gets touched on in some fashion by every yoga teacher I've had. I know I'll never buy into this believe, however, it did get me thinking about the history of my beliefs.
I've never had a lot of deep rooted beliefs, when I was growing up I didn't believe in religion, a higher power, love, marriage, children, charity, passion....or any other of the major beliefs that people seem to have. I chalk it up to growing up without a mom and with a father who, while was very caring, was also a workaholic; leaving me to effectively raise my sister (along with the help of various housekeepers). As I grew up I developed a belief of logic, morality (although this wavers from time to time) and love. Given recent events I've begun to question the few beliefs that I have and whether I can still believe in them. [Morality is always a gray area for me, what is moral to one person can easily be immoral to another....maybe it can't even be called a belief, a discussion for another time perhaps]
When I was growing up I never thought I'd find love, I always felt I'd end up alone (and in a way I wanted that). I think the feeling came from the fact my mom died when I was 7 and her mom died when she was 11; leaving me with the vision that men (namely my dad and grandfather) were meant to be alone. However, as my relationships developed I began to think that I could believe in love. The partner I had before J, was a sweet, loving, asian girl whom I loved but she was very much set on getting married, which I knew I could never buy into, swiftly ending our relationship. In J I found a love that was so special, so strong, so resilient that I was sure it would last forever; and in some ways I'm sure it will. But I think my belief in love is fading; the belief that love conquers all or love is all you need; to quote the Beattles. I'm falling back to where I was growing up, the feeling that I'm meant to be alone. That's not to say that I won't have relationships, won't connect with people, but I won't ever love the person I'm with; which logically will lead to me being alone. Now I'm not saying I don't have hope that my belief in love will return; it's that I don't want to let someone back into my heart like that.
And what about logic? Well as you can see I still believe in that...
I've never had a lot of deep rooted beliefs, when I was growing up I didn't believe in religion, a higher power, love, marriage, children, charity, passion....or any other of the major beliefs that people seem to have. I chalk it up to growing up without a mom and with a father who, while was very caring, was also a workaholic; leaving me to effectively raise my sister (along with the help of various housekeepers). As I grew up I developed a belief of logic, morality (although this wavers from time to time) and love. Given recent events I've begun to question the few beliefs that I have and whether I can still believe in them. [Morality is always a gray area for me, what is moral to one person can easily be immoral to another....maybe it can't even be called a belief, a discussion for another time perhaps]
When I was growing up I never thought I'd find love, I always felt I'd end up alone (and in a way I wanted that). I think the feeling came from the fact my mom died when I was 7 and her mom died when she was 11; leaving me with the vision that men (namely my dad and grandfather) were meant to be alone. However, as my relationships developed I began to think that I could believe in love. The partner I had before J, was a sweet, loving, asian girl whom I loved but she was very much set on getting married, which I knew I could never buy into, swiftly ending our relationship. In J I found a love that was so special, so strong, so resilient that I was sure it would last forever; and in some ways I'm sure it will. But I think my belief in love is fading; the belief that love conquers all or love is all you need; to quote the Beattles. I'm falling back to where I was growing up, the feeling that I'm meant to be alone. That's not to say that I won't have relationships, won't connect with people, but I won't ever love the person I'm with; which logically will lead to me being alone. Now I'm not saying I don't have hope that my belief in love will return; it's that I don't want to let someone back into my heart like that.
And what about logic? Well as you can see I still believe in that...
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Shaving Tips
If you've recently received a DUI and had your license revoked, what do you do? Shave your pubes while driving of course. According to CarnalNation that's exactly what Megan Barnes did. I can understand being late for a date and trying to do your make-up or hair en route....maybe a little tricky but it's done all the time. But taking a razor your pubic region while driving under a revoked license, that's a little much, not to mention potentially painful....has she never heard of razor burn?!?! Even if her attempted grooming were a success, I can't imagine that her date wouldn't know that it was a rushed job; there are some areas just unavailable for grooming while seated in the driver's seat. (If a lady out there can prove me wrong let me know, as I can only test the theory from a male's perspective.) I can understand why her ex-husband is no longer with her; but what is he doing in the car assisting her with her endeavor?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Reindeer Section
Reindeer Section - Your Sweet Voice
Listening to Gary Lightbody's Reindeer Section after JAG recommended it to me. This is one song that wasn't recommended but so far I think it's my favourite and really makes me think of and miss J....apparently I love to torture myself.
Listening to Gary Lightbody's Reindeer Section after JAG recommended it to me. This is one song that wasn't recommended but so far I think it's my favourite and really makes me think of and miss J....apparently I love to torture myself.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Filling the void
I've seen C a couple of times now and she's a really sweet girl, but I'm using her to fill a void in my life. She now knows that I'm recently out of a long term open relationship, however I have not (and don't plan to) get into any details other than that. I feel bad using her as I don't like to use people, but with her knowing a little bit about my past I tell myself that she knows what she's getting herself into; I just hope I'm right. The few times I've been with C I know it's just to have someone there to talk to....to listen to; but in doing so it only makes me miss J more. My mind constantly wandering to what she's doing, how her evening's going, what we'd be doing if she were with me right now. Does it make me a bad person to want someone around? I told J that I'm dating so soon not only to fill the void she's left but also to find something else in my life. The years we spent together I lived for us, for our future. That was my goal in life; everything I did was to advance our dream....a house we built together and 4-5 large dogs....now I'm struggling to find something....anything to live for. I know filling the void only lasts for a couple of hours, but it allows me to be in the moment and not grasping for something that's no longer there. It's felt like months since J and I broke up by it was only 2 weeks ago yesterday that she asked me to move back into our homey. In time I'll find something new to live for....a new goal....but until then I know that I will just be filling the gigantic void in my life.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Another First
I had a delayed family birthday celebration tonight at one of my oldest family friend's houses. The first time in 6 years that I have been alone for one of these. This family friend has been like a surrogate mother to me since my mom passed away when I was 7, she's the closest thing to a mom I had while growing up. Driving over, tears stained my face and my shirt as I tried to figure out how I was going to tell her that J and I broke up. The ability to control my emotions as I approached the driveway did little to stop the explosion of emotion that hit as soon as I entered the front door and said the words. She hugged me as a mother would, doing little to ease the anguish of my soul. I told her the abridged version of our break-up and she comforted me. I was able to contain myself as my family began to arrive and as people slowly trickled in the questions of where J was began, not being able to get into it with everyone around I said she couldn't make it; hoping that that would end the discussion and it did.
Eating Chinese food and watching the Oscars I periodically zoned out.....as people laughed and talked around me I felt like I was alone in the room; my brain took over wondering where and what J was doing....wishing she were with our family. I tried as much as I could to have her be a part of it, texting her some results of the Oscars, but it's never the same. I sometimes wonder if I'm drawing this out needlessly; am I making this harder on myself by trying to keep in touch with J as I do? I just don't to admit that our lives are no longer intertwined...I can't. I still care and love her too much. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....I only hope that's true.
Eating Chinese food and watching the Oscars I periodically zoned out.....as people laughed and talked around me I felt like I was alone in the room; my brain took over wondering where and what J was doing....wishing she were with our family. I tried as much as I could to have her be a part of it, texting her some results of the Oscars, but it's never the same. I sometimes wonder if I'm drawing this out needlessly; am I making this harder on myself by trying to keep in touch with J as I do? I just don't to admit that our lives are no longer intertwined...I can't. I still care and love her too much. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....I only hope that's true.
Moving Day #2
I spent yesterday helping J get furniture for her new place. We started with a queen box spring and mattress, which brought back memories of 5 years ago when J and I picked the king size bed that we spent our life together sleeping in. Lying in beds, testing their comfort I wondered if I'd ever get the chance to spend the night in this bed. Would we ever get back to that point? Neither one of us know what the future brings, but testing beds was fun, there wasn't any tension or stress bubbling under the surface. Bed shopping reminded my of how good we were together, without stress or tension. Just that we could be.
Next up was Ikea, the place we spent countless hours shopping, buying 95% of our furniture. I tried to give her space and let her come to me for advice, rather than following her every move, nevertheless an hour in, she looked at me at said, "I think this was a bad idea." Both of us were feeling the strain of memories....seeing the furniture that resides in our home scattered around the store. But we continued, knowing that this had to be done. No matter how much hurt it brought it was a necessary evil. Leaving 4 hours after we began, we went to J's apartment to build and unpack.
We mostly avoided the topic of us, instead focusing on the move and the week's plans. The only show of emotional strain was when we attempted to separate our sex toy drawer at home. The easy ones were the insertables, because...well...sanitation. When it came to rope, emotions took over and we had to stop with J in tears and me on the verge. I let her have our first piece a 15-ft 6mm piece of violet bought together at Seattle's Babeland, which began our love of rope. She also said she wanted the 30-ft 8mm piece of black rope, that was from my first order from Twisted Monk. She has more memories of it than I do, so I told her to take it. I think this was harder that anything else that we had to separate because of its intimacy. I remember each sex toy I bought and why...what my thinking was behind it....whether it was success or failure. And as I handed them to J, a little piece of me felt like it was being torn out; a memory never to be evoked again.
12 hours after we began, we were finished. With a new bed and dresser, J's place is closer to her home. She will always be my home. I will at peace, comfortable whenever I'm with her. Like everything is right in the world. I could be anywhere but as long as I was with her I would feel a sense of home. At the end of the day I asked her if she had changed her mind about shopping with me being a bad idea and she said she had...bringing a smile to my heart. While the day was indeed difficult I think it reminded us both of how we can be together, the love we still have. J needs to find single her....and I hope that she does. While I will never wait for her, I hope that we will be able to be together again because I know know woman better than her.
Next up was Ikea, the place we spent countless hours shopping, buying 95% of our furniture. I tried to give her space and let her come to me for advice, rather than following her every move, nevertheless an hour in, she looked at me at said, "I think this was a bad idea." Both of us were feeling the strain of memories....seeing the furniture that resides in our home scattered around the store. But we continued, knowing that this had to be done. No matter how much hurt it brought it was a necessary evil. Leaving 4 hours after we began, we went to J's apartment to build and unpack.
We mostly avoided the topic of us, instead focusing on the move and the week's plans. The only show of emotional strain was when we attempted to separate our sex toy drawer at home. The easy ones were the insertables, because...well...sanitation. When it came to rope, emotions took over and we had to stop with J in tears and me on the verge. I let her have our first piece a 15-ft 6mm piece of violet bought together at Seattle's Babeland, which began our love of rope. She also said she wanted the 30-ft 8mm piece of black rope, that was from my first order from Twisted Monk. She has more memories of it than I do, so I told her to take it. I think this was harder that anything else that we had to separate because of its intimacy. I remember each sex toy I bought and why...what my thinking was behind it....whether it was success or failure. And as I handed them to J, a little piece of me felt like it was being torn out; a memory never to be evoked again.
12 hours after we began, we were finished. With a new bed and dresser, J's place is closer to her home. She will always be my home. I will at peace, comfortable whenever I'm with her. Like everything is right in the world. I could be anywhere but as long as I was with her I would feel a sense of home. At the end of the day I asked her if she had changed her mind about shopping with me being a bad idea and she said she had...bringing a smile to my heart. While the day was indeed difficult I think it reminded us both of how we can be together, the love we still have. J needs to find single her....and I hope that she does. While I will never wait for her, I hope that we will be able to be together again because I know know woman better than her.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Empty Home
Last night was the first night that I was really home by myself all night since J left....first time grocery shopping.....first time doing the laundry....washing the bed sheets. Needless to say it was a tough night, especially when most of the clothes in the laundry were her tank tops left clean in the basket. How do I cope? A bottle of Chianti and a new playlist that I listened to all last night and am continuing to do so this morning:
Oh! - Micky Green
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
You Could be Happy - Snow Patrol
Make This go on Forever - Snow Patrol
Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol
Chocolate - Snow Patrol
Run - Snow Patrol
Warning Sign - Coldplay
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
Mad World - Donnie Darko Soundtrack
So Here We Are - Bloc Party
To Be Alone with you - Sufjan Stevens
Family Tree - Dear Science
Falling Slowly - The Frames
I don't want our home to no longer smell like J, already walking into our 2nd bedroom that doubled as her study it smells musty like it hasn't been lived in. It lacks the sweet smell of Chloe that it once carried; how I miss its lingering scent in our home....miss the fragrance of her neck.....her smell. It's amazing what you miss when you have lost, things you never thought you'd miss or didn't even know were there. Every morning I wake up with sadness because I used to get a hug from J before I left for work, no matter what state of sleep she was in.....almost 5 years of unbroken morning hugs; that's hard to get over.
Oh! - Micky Green
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
You Could be Happy - Snow Patrol
Make This go on Forever - Snow Patrol
Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol
Chocolate - Snow Patrol
Run - Snow Patrol
Warning Sign - Coldplay
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
Mad World - Donnie Darko Soundtrack
So Here We Are - Bloc Party
To Be Alone with you - Sufjan Stevens
Family Tree - Dear Science
Falling Slowly - The Frames
I don't want our home to no longer smell like J, already walking into our 2nd bedroom that doubled as her study it smells musty like it hasn't been lived in. It lacks the sweet smell of Chloe that it once carried; how I miss its lingering scent in our home....miss the fragrance of her neck.....her smell. It's amazing what you miss when you have lost, things you never thought you'd miss or didn't even know were there. Every morning I wake up with sadness because I used to get a hug from J before I left for work, no matter what state of sleep she was in.....almost 5 years of unbroken morning hugs; that's hard to get over.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tear the World Apart
A feeling of destruction has been building in me; the need to destroy something, a craving of pain, of blood. When I was younger I used to see how slowly I could draw a knife along my arm. I always found serated knives the most functional because you could feel each seration biting into the skin as it was drawn across skin. I remember once I was sitting in the corner of my TV room while two friends (who were into each other) were playing on the computer. A feeling of anguish that I couldn't handle overwhelmed me. I began lightly drawing a knife across my left arm, slowly building the pressure as the blade caught the skin. For half an hour this went on until blood was running in a thin line along my forearm. Whether it was a cry for help or not I don't know, but the scar still resides on my arm as a memory of the feeling. Yes, I am a masochist.
I've managed to hold back that urge for the last few weeks resorting to depressants and trying to put a hole through my elevator. I've always wondered what it would be like to put my hand through something, like a window or wood or even the feeling of my fist against some unsuspecting person's face, but for some reason I have been able to restrain myself. I crave the external physical pain because I can see it heal, while the internal anguish never seems to. Hopefully, this craving will wane, but I worry what it means if it does.
I've managed to hold back that urge for the last few weeks resorting to depressants and trying to put a hole through my elevator. I've always wondered what it would be like to put my hand through something, like a window or wood or even the feeling of my fist against some unsuspecting person's face, but for some reason I have been able to restrain myself. I crave the external physical pain because I can see it heal, while the internal anguish never seems to. Hopefully, this craving will wane, but I worry what it means if it does.
CellarDoor
"This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful. "
Watched a movie with the same girl I had drinks with last night and since I may see her again, let's call her C. Now other than being completely opposite of my type and that she talked during probably my favourite and most important movie; she's a very fun girl. Being with her finally made me see what J felt our relationship had been lacking, passion, and passion cannot be forced. Our sex life had become too routine, too forced. When she left me, it had become mechanical almost. I can understand why what she had with Z was and is so fun and exciting. It was what we once had, and tonight was the first time in a long time that I remembered what we had and how it happened.
I did what I always meant to do with J, control the situation, but with J I always fell short due to fear that it wasn't going to work. I forgot how to read her, forgot how to spend time understanding her moans and sighs....trying too hard to get to the act of sex and when something didn't work I got frustrated. Sex and foreplay is supposed to be fun, not serious, with breaks to talk or laugh or get a drink of water (as needed) I can now see, or at least begin to see where I was at fault and why we weren't clicking. I guess J knew what she was talking about.....why do I ever question?
As I grow alone I think my understanding of this will grow also, so that if there ever is a chance for J and I again, I will understand what she needs and wants and I will be able to give it to her or anyone else for that matter.
Watched a movie with the same girl I had drinks with last night and since I may see her again, let's call her C. Now other than being completely opposite of my type and that she talked during probably my favourite and most important movie; she's a very fun girl. Being with her finally made me see what J felt our relationship had been lacking, passion, and passion cannot be forced. Our sex life had become too routine, too forced. When she left me, it had become mechanical almost. I can understand why what she had with Z was and is so fun and exciting. It was what we once had, and tonight was the first time in a long time that I remembered what we had and how it happened.
I did what I always meant to do with J, control the situation, but with J I always fell short due to fear that it wasn't going to work. I forgot how to read her, forgot how to spend time understanding her moans and sighs....trying too hard to get to the act of sex and when something didn't work I got frustrated. Sex and foreplay is supposed to be fun, not serious, with breaks to talk or laugh or get a drink of water (as needed) I can now see, or at least begin to see where I was at fault and why we weren't clicking. I guess J knew what she was talking about.....why do I ever question?
As I grow alone I think my understanding of this will grow also, so that if there ever is a chance for J and I again, I will understand what she needs and wants and I will be able to give it to her or anyone else for that matter.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Blog Future
About a week ago I said I may stop this blog, however I will rescind that. In light of what's happened between J and I; I don't think I will ever be able to open up to someone again...at least not in the foreseeable future. I have always enjoyed sharing my thoughts and emotions with someone and if I can't give that to any one individual I will give that here to the blogging world.
First Date?
In trying to move on slash not spend time at home thinking about J I went out for drinks with a girl I met Saturday night. She's taller than girls I would normally date, but she's also a former cruise ship dancer, so figuring she could be entertaining, so why not. Went to a place I'd never been to before BIN 941, nice little bar with a good selection of wines by the glass. I don't usually try a wine that I'm unfamiliar with, but I did tonight...why deviate? Well when there's a wine called Dirty Laundry how could you not? How was it? Surprisingly good, given its name.
So we're sitting there having some wine and getting to know each other when the couple at the table next to us starts going at it. I'm talking full-on, get a room make out session. It took less than 5 minutes for the whole bar, staff included, to be staring at them. giggling like school children. I love a little PDA now and then but c'mon people come up for some air!!! They never got the point and continued until we left.
So as she's telling me about her life, her dreams, and her past, I notice a song softly in the background....losing all focus of the conversation as I realize its Arcade Fire and Neighborhood #4, one of J's Italia songs. As my date continues talking I strain to hear the beat resonating, wanting nothing more than to reach into the pocket of my jacket and put the song on to remember. For the rest of the night I'm distracted.
As we leave and I walk her home, the song is still on my mind. Reaching her steps I kiss her good night, hoping for some sort of spark...a feeling that leaves me wanting more; a feeling I have every time I kiss J....but it doesn't come; it just makes me miss her more.
Finally listening to the song, I come to a stop and look to my left knowing that J is only 4 blocks away; wanting nothing more than to go to her, call her, hold her....but I can't. Even walking past her apartment would torture me...quickly I turn and head towards home.
So we're sitting there having some wine and getting to know each other when the couple at the table next to us starts going at it. I'm talking full-on, get a room make out session. It took less than 5 minutes for the whole bar, staff included, to be staring at them. giggling like school children. I love a little PDA now and then but c'mon people come up for some air!!! They never got the point and continued until we left.
So as she's telling me about her life, her dreams, and her past, I notice a song softly in the background....losing all focus of the conversation as I realize its Arcade Fire and Neighborhood #4, one of J's Italia songs. As my date continues talking I strain to hear the beat resonating, wanting nothing more than to reach into the pocket of my jacket and put the song on to remember. For the rest of the night I'm distracted.
As we leave and I walk her home, the song is still on my mind. Reaching her steps I kiss her good night, hoping for some sort of spark...a feeling that leaves me wanting more; a feeling I have every time I kiss J....but it doesn't come; it just makes me miss her more.
Finally listening to the song, I come to a stop and look to my left knowing that J is only 4 blocks away; wanting nothing more than to go to her, call her, hold her....but I can't. Even walking past her apartment would torture me...quickly I turn and head towards home.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Moving Day...
Today I spent 12 hours helping J move out of what was once our home....it'll always be our home, but now I'm living in it as a bachelor. While moving; things once forgotten are found bringing a rush of memories back to your consciousness. Tears were shed on both sides at least once every 45 minutes, sometimes lasting as long as the time in between. Me finding a bottle of olive oil we bought together in Nice a couple of years ago.......her lying in what was once our bed bought 2 months after we met......me separating cooking utensils that were purchased together over the years as J's love of cooking and baking grew and grew. During one of these emotional outbursts she says to me, "I know this isn't what either of us want, but I know it's what I need." I wanted to shout, "But what about what I need? What about what I want?" But she knows what I want and need and her decision has been made and I respect that.
The walk to her new apartment is only 15 minutes, but it seems like she's moved to another planet. I helped her set-up what was once our pull-out couch until she gets a proper one...hoping against hope that Z isn't going to spend the night with her tonight, but knowing how she has drawn strength from him during the past couple of weeks, I only see that continuing tonight and writing this now, brings tear to my eye.
I know why she left...she needs to experience life on her own; but that doesn't mean I will ever understand it. I will always want to give her the world and will never love another as I love her. But life moves on....I do not believe that our book is finished but we have entered a new chapter....and hopefully before our book is over; we will again find each other. But I also know that neither of us will wait for the other (as it should be) and the thought that I've lost her forever weighs on my deeply. But if we do ever find each other again, I know that we will be stronger than ever.
J will never know how much I love her because words cannot express how I feel. I will always be there for her and her family. J, I love you....
[I apologize for the recent string of melodramatic entries, but my life has thrown me a curve these last couple of week. I will say this however; the Olympics recently passed through my town and just because my life was (and is) in turmoil doesn't mean I didn't get a chance to partake in the festivities....stay tuned]
The walk to her new apartment is only 15 minutes, but it seems like she's moved to another planet. I helped her set-up what was once our pull-out couch until she gets a proper one...hoping against hope that Z isn't going to spend the night with her tonight, but knowing how she has drawn strength from him during the past couple of weeks, I only see that continuing tonight and writing this now, brings tear to my eye.
I know why she left...she needs to experience life on her own; but that doesn't mean I will ever understand it. I will always want to give her the world and will never love another as I love her. But life moves on....I do not believe that our book is finished but we have entered a new chapter....and hopefully before our book is over; we will again find each other. But I also know that neither of us will wait for the other (as it should be) and the thought that I've lost her forever weighs on my deeply. But if we do ever find each other again, I know that we will be stronger than ever.
J will never know how much I love her because words cannot express how I feel. I will always be there for her and her family. J, I love you....
[I apologize for the recent string of melodramatic entries, but my life has thrown me a curve these last couple of week. I will say this however; the Olympics recently passed through my town and just because my life was (and is) in turmoil doesn't mean I didn't get a chance to partake in the festivities....stay tuned]
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