Remaining Open....

When J are I were breaking up she said she didn't think I was going to continue believing in open relationships. I try not to speculate as to why she said that but I've been thinking about why being poly works for me. It's taken me a while to get used to being alone, I still don't enjoy it but I think I'm getting used to it (and better yet the drinking and smoking alone on weekdays has almost completely ceased....as I open a bottle of wine...whoops!). Due to my not liking being alone I've been out...a lot....and as a consequence I've met or gone on dates with a number of women in the past little while. With a couple of them, I've gotten to my belief in open relationships, however the conversations haven't really progressed farther than me telling them I believe in them and that I was in one with J.

Every time I bring it up (and I will continue to do so to make sure they know they aren't changing me....women are like that sometimes) there's always a look of apprehension and a quick subject change. It's made me think about why I'm hanging out with a particular girl. After watching the Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader the other night, S said,
"I don't think I'm the girl for you."
To which I replied, "Probably not but that doesn't mean we can't hang out; that's one of the reasons I believe in open relationships. I get something from you and can get other things I need from someone else."
That ended the conversation pretty fast....

The funny thing is the more people I meet the more I believe in open relationships. I try not to compare the women I meet to J, but it's tough when I remember the things that made us so right together. Comparatively, no one I've met has even half of the things in common that J and I do. I've been out with women who don't like dogs....don't like books....don't like quotes....like cats....aren't kinky....and the funny thing is when I tell them what I believe in, you can see the gears in their head turning thinking about how they're going to change me. Ending things before anything gets too far would be the easy thing to do, but the process is way too interesting.

I've realized something about my life; I enjoy making people's lives better. Everyone I meet I want to look back years from now and say they remember me and were glad that they met me. Not because I'm going to buy them things but because I'm going to open them up to a different view of the world. Will some fall for me and get hurt? Probably, but there's nothing that I can do to avoid that. I'm open and honest and will give them all of the information they need to make an informed decision about who I am and what I'm looking for and if they decide to see me a different way, I can't help that. But in situations where that happens I believe that they will still look back and know that I enhanced their life.

What happens if I fall for someone? Maybe I'm naive but I can't see that happening, not because I know my person is out there and not with me, but because I don't need constant someone to be happy. I've only just realized this; I can be happy knowing that I've benefited someone's life through who I am. The other night my sister said S was really pretty. I replied,
"Ya she is, but she really isn't the right girl for me, I can't see us ever being together."
My sister said that my comment gave her hope in men, in that a guy could meet a hot, sexy woman who's into him but still not want to be with her. She meant it in the context of her boyfriend, who's a DJ, and is constantly bombarding with women (some of whom my sister feels are more attractive than her) but that he's not tempted because of what he has, namely my sister. It took me a while to wrap my head around it, but now I understand, and when I did I realized that because of who I am, a guy who's not just looking to hook up and move on to the next fuck...that I can offer something that I know a lot of guys out there can't. And if I can restore a little faith in men and make women think differently, not just about men but about relationships in general, I think I can be happy in life....and remaining open is a big part of that.