Guilt

Why do we feel guilt? For me, it's usually self-imposed, rarely do others make me feel guilty. Lately, however I've been feeling more and more guilt about being poly. My (for lack of a better word) primary partner, Marie, lives in a different city and although we see each other quite regularly it's not everyday and due to her new work schedule we're not communicating as much as we used to. As a result there's now a sense of guilt whenever I spend time with peach, not because I'm spending time with her, but because I feel like Marie needs me to be available to communicate with her seeing as we don't communicate as much as we used to.

Marie does not do anything to make me feel guilty, it's that I know she wishes I were available to communicate when she's available and I'm with peach it makes me feel guilty for being with her, like I said self-imposed guilt. I'm undecided on how to handle it. All it's doing is making me less inclined to spend time with peach when I know Marie is available to communicate and that's not fair to peach.

My relationship with each is very different. I'm very much in love with Marie and she is someone who I see myself living with sometime in the next year and we have similar relationship goals. Me and peach have a defined D/s relationship, she is submissive to me, but we don't have the same relationship goals. She very much wants to be someone's slave and enjoys the potential of a 24/7 D/s relationship with a Dominant, something I've never wanted. Marie and I are both very secure in our relationship and we have an amazingly strong connection, but yet I still feel guilty.

Marie is new to the poly lifestyle (I'm her first poly partner) and recently she's been struggling due to her feelings surrounding recently having casual sex with a friend; leading her to take 3 months to determine how she feels about poly. Another source of guilt may be the road I'm taking with peach; if Marie doesn't feel like she can be in a poly relationship, what then? Will I have just dragged peach along for the last few months? I also know that I'm not what peach wants, we don't have the same goals and while we both know this I have a feeling she lies to herself about it. I'm trying to mitigate this by pushing her into the BDSM community more, as I am also her first poly relationship and Dominant, so exposure is important for her.

The ironic thing about my guilt is that if I were to end it with peach and move at a slower pace with Marie from a poly perspective, instead of 'forcing' her into it, she'd feel guilty about me not being poly. It's a no-win situation; I feel that no matter what I do I'm fucked.

A friend of mine once said that poly relationships are like the Phd of relationships, not because we're better or smarter than monogamously inclined individuals but because it takes that much more work to have successful poly relationships and when they do work they are incredibly rewarding. Being able to be a part of someone you care about's growth is my favourite thing about poly. It's not about the sex, it's not about the play, it's about being a part of someone's life and potentially having a material impact on that life; that's what poly means to me.

Drunk and Unsubmissive

Last week my submissive partner, peach, showed up an hour late to a date with me highly intoxicated. I knew as soon as I spoke to her on the phone I should've told her to go home. I had to verbally direct her to my condo, a place she's been on numerous occasions over the past 6 months, even though she was only 5 blocks away. It took 25 minutes to coax her in the right direction, something that should not be necessary given our D/s relationship. I should've gone with my gut feeling and not concerned myself with how she would react, she wasn't being disobedient per se rather she was not in any place to do a scene, let alone hold a conversation. My feeling towards her was/is utter disappointment, not in that she was late but that she had let herself get to that point with the knowledge she was to see me that evening.

Upon finally arriving, her usual submissiveness was non-existent. The food she had brought me was inedible after being tossed upside down in her bag, she split water all over my floor failing to clean it up, forgot to use 'Sir' the name she is supposed to call me...these were only a few of her indiscretions. It was obvious that she was in no place to be spending time with me, so I got her together and drove her home, much to her chagrin and indignation, as she tried to storm out, something she would typically never consider doing, no matter what the scenario. She said she wasn't THAT drunk and that I didn't need to drive her home, however I had no confidence in her ability to find her own way.

What really got to me during this ordeal and really the purpose of my writing is the numerous items that she discussed or babbled on about when I got her to her place and tried to get her out of my car, which took over 45 minutes. I feel that when people are drunk things that are usually thought about are vocalized, as the level of restraint usually shown is eliminated; I'm sure that many of you have witnessed the same thing in similar situations. These formerly hidden thoughts and feelings can sometimes be ignored, but I'm not sure if that's true in this case.

Through tears she said: her friends didn't understand our relationship and didn't like the way I treated her; I didn't care about her or didn't show it in a way that she wanted; that she didn't feel like herself around me and felt uncomfortable in her own skin; that her feeling of being uncomfortable was compounded because of how comfortable I was with everything; that she was afraid of having her submissiveness rejected because she wanted to be more submissive than what I was looking for; she wanted to potentially be a slave in the future, but knows that's not what I want; on two occasions that she thought the conversation in my car would be the last one we had and would be the end of our relationship as she knew it.....And then the next day she remembered none of it....

She doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to know what she said, and she's beside herself with grief over being that intoxicated in front of me. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle our relationship now. I know I can't go on as if nothing she said wasn't said, I'm a talker and I need to talk about things like this. But the flip side is I know that I can't handle the fallout from that discussion; I can't handle another 4 hour crying session from her, that we've gone through on more than one occasion; it won't resolve anything. Those thoughts and feelings of hers will continue to be there, continue to reside in her head and continue to affect our relationship. She's looking to me to help fix her through D/s and only she can fix herself, I can only help give her a little nudge along the way and I wonder if in this case that nudge is an end to her first D/s relationship......

Fear of the Unknown

There are only a handful of people I know that never get jealous, for the most part everyone has a little bit of jealousy in them, why is this? Yes I’m polyamorous and yes I still get jealous on occasion; I’ll admit it, if you refuse to admit it you’ll never be able to understand it. Typically my feelings of jealousy stem from a fear of the unknown. Will a new relationship change the dynamics of an existing relationship with an already established partner? We’d all like to say, “no it won’t we have a specific kind of relationship and not looking for something similar to replace it,” but often how do you know that until it happens? The reality is you don’t, even if you have a relationship contract and a set of perfectly laid out rules, it still doesn’t change a new relationship will change your existing one. We can’t always control our emotions and desires, how we feel when someone does something that makes us smile. I feel knowing that this can and often does happen allows you to be better prepared to deal with it if and when it does.

I’ve recently been going through some of this in my head, primarily because my partner is quite new to poly and while I know she loves me, she’s also figuring out whether poly is right for her. So therein lies my fear of the unknown. In relationships I find that I plan for the worst to protect myself emotional, and while I recognize the worst case would be she would end our relationship, I see that case as irrational given our connection, and approach the worst case as the fear of a change in our relationship. What would that change look like? Since she lives out of town would it affect how often we see one another? Would another individual use her guilt complex against her (something I would never do and that I’m actually helping her get over)? So many things could happen, which of course is the case in any relationship, thinking about it (while bringing up potential feelings of jealousy – via fear of loss) allows me to be better prepared if it does happen – but sometimes I wonder if it’s also a form of self-sabotage.

Now change is not inherently bad, change leads to growth, negotiation and a new understanding of you, your partner and your relationship; it’s the unknown that gets me, that weighs on my mind. I wish I could say it’d be different if the relationship wasn’t so new and she wasn’t new to poly, but I’m not sure that I can. I do know that when she goes on a date and meets someone new I’m happy for her and excited to hear all about it and share that experience with her as her partner, but there will always be that little part of me that wonders…..will this change us?

Buyer Beware

I've found myself managing dates or potential partner's expectations of me. I don't want them to get attached where they expect something from me that I can't give them; I'm by no means trying to sound conceited, but this has happened more often than I'd like and ultimately leads to disappointment. I'm not 100% sure why or how this happens but some of the more frequent ones have been that I don't have goals that align with society's or I'm lacking a certain emotional aspect their looking for or I don't end up becoming monogamous for them. I try to manage these expectation through honesty but don't always think I'm heard, people tend to hear what they want to hear.

I hate hurting people emotionally and seeing as I know that I'm not going to be in their future plans the best option is to not date, but even in light of the above I know I have things to offer. I know I can help show them something they wouldn't have explored/thought of before. I can do this because I'm honest, which in turn fosters their honesty and trust, and I also don't judge someone for something that they do or have done, so anything is on the table for discussion. Looking across the spectrum of my acquaintances these traits are well....rare, which is why I come off at 'intriguing' or 'interesting.' (If this is not rare for you, count yourself lucky!!)

I'm beginning to think that managing expectations isn't the right way to go, that I should just be honest and let things fall as they may. If someone doesn't hear what I'm saying then maybe they deserve the anguish that may occur. My only hesitation is that most people wouldn't understand or learn the lesson, rather detest me for misleading them; which is contrary to my goal of "leaving someone better off than before I met them.' And therein lies the conundrum.

Women

There's something so beautiful about women; the feel of their skin.....the way their hair falls over their face, their neck, their shoulders......how one piece of their outfit can enhance their beauty 10-fold. Many times it's not even in a sexual context, there's not much I enjoy more than snuggling with a woman running my fingers down her spine, across her stomach, over the tops of her breasts, up the nape of her neck. For many this is very sexual and in a way it is for me as well, but in a very different fashion; I don't expect or want it to lead to anything other than what it is....intimacy between two individuals. I think this is one of the reasons I'm poly, it's not all about sex, rather the intimacy between two people that can be so much more than sex; something that can enhance a friendship beyond what is accustomed by society. The touch, the caress, the intimacy....something I will always crave, desire, and love.

Kinky Ethics

A couple of weeks ago I attended a seminar on accounting ethics, now before you close your browser in terror at the thought of me actually discussing accounting ethics, never fear; I have none such intention. The seminar did, however get me thinking of how BDSM/poly ethics are applicable in the vanilla world, because ethics are ethics, no matter what you're doing.

One of the most important BDSM actions, or inactions as the case may be, is the lack of physical contact until you know someone well. How many times have you been to a club or a bar and been groped by someone you don't know while you're dancing? Standing at the bar? Walking to the bathroom? It's happened to me at least a dozen times, I can only imagine how many times its happened to the ladies out there. The complete opposite is true at a BDSM party, no one you don't know will grope you and people you do know will ask before they touch you in any fashion; you'd think this would be common sense, but apparently not.

Then there's negotiation, which occurs before most BDSM and poly relationships begin. Guidelines, ground rules, and limits need to be established before anything progresses, I agree it can take some of the suspense out of a relationship but wouldn't you rather know if a partner was allergic to latex or had an STI before you began a night of needles or oral sex? I would, so what if it's a little TMI before things get serious; you'll thank yourself for it later. Or how about whether or not you want to know if your partner slept with someone, who that someone was and what they did together? There's no such thing as a mind reader (at least as far as I know), so if you don't know this stuff up front, one of you is going to end up disappointed. I know I've had women I've dated tell me I'm too honest and it's tough for them to handle, but I'm glad I know that now instead of 5 years down the road, saves us both some time and disappointment!

BDSM and poly have made me more ethical than I was before I entered their respective communities; however the irony is that my lifestyle may be seen as detrimental and unethical to the vanilla accounting community I'm a member of. I know I would be prepared to give up said membership if it came down to a choice between my lifestyle or the membership, even though it took me 4 years to get. I'm not being dramatic either, the seminar instructor told a story about how he knew of a member who also owned a strip club, which was deemed detrimental to the membership (yes I know, it sounds like a cult); typically I would've argued til the cows came home, but at this point I had been in the seminar for 7 hours and just wanted to get home, besides I don't think anyone in the room would've agreed with me that the ownership of a strip club was NOT detrimental; sometimes the world just frustrates me. Needless to say, if I continue to be as open as I am about who I am there will be someone who will think it's detrimental to the membership and since I'm not planning on changing who I am....well.....a battle there will be, because one thing I won't do, is go down without proving a point a second time.

Jealousy, Monogamy, and Power

It's been a long time since I've made a post, I do have things I want to write about; I've been working on something to do with ethics and the role they play in poly and bdsm relationships, but have not had the time to get it down yet, I hope that I will do so soon. In the meantime I would like to share an essay on jealousy, monogamy, and power by Pepper. I came across this a few months ago but have only recently had the chance to read it. I do understand that it is quite long and appears to be technical, however it is a fantastic read that discusses how jealousy relates to monogamy and how it can negatively impact both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I hope you enjoy it, I did.

Technology, Privacy, and Polyamory

At a talk by Christopher Ryan, author of Sex At Dawn, at the CSPC last night a question was asked regarding whether or not technology (Facebook was used as the example) could lead to a return to less private lives that we once led as hunter gatherers. If you haven't read the book.....quick, drop everything run to the store and buy it.....kidding, sort of....one of the ideas centers around how hunter gatherers operated in groups to survive. Each of these 100 or so member groups shared everything and for the most part interacted very minimally with individuals outside of their group and when I say they shared everything, I mean everything ....from child rearing, hunting, cooking, gathering, partners, etc. As a result, the amount of privacy each individual had was minimal at best and with everyone knowing everyone there were really no issues with people sleeping with other members of the group. Of course the book delves into much more detail than I am here, but a little background is necessary to understand the question at hand.

Ryan said that he hadn't considered the impact of technology on privacy and how that might relate to non-monogamy becoming more accepted or as a return to our evolutionary roots but he did mention anonymity, which got me thinking. While it's true technology can reduce the amount of privacy we have, it can also increase the level of anonymity as the individual behind the online persona has discretion as to the information released. I would think that this potential would serve to increase the level of privacy. Think about it.....if you believe someone is lying about who they are, would that not reduce the amount of information you would allow them to see? For most people I would think that it would. Without getting side tracked too much, think about how the Alexa DiCarlo's fake online persona is going to affect people looking for online sex advice (if you're not familiar with HIM, she/him/it was the author of the Real Princess Diaries; now suspended. Here's Mistress Matisse's take in her Control Tower column from January, another one from Carnal Nation and a third from the Sexademic). Now think about yourself...given the above information about an apparent sex worker who provided advice purporting to be an expert, would it change how private you were with the information? Probably.

Technology does serve to bring people with similar interests together, however the potential for anonymity will increase privacy. If you're able to meet someone in person that you've met online a bond can be established and a reduction in privacy can take hold. I think that technology's ability to bring people together can facilitate a reduction in privacy and could potentially lead to a return to a world were we know everything about everyone to an extent, but it cannot do it by itself. People are still people and that physical social interaction is a necessity for us to grow and thrive in this world....according to Sex at Dawn, why else would our brains be so large?

Solo Poly

Solo poly was one of the better classes that I attended at Folsom Street Fringe; it was taught by Allena Gabosch, the director of the Centre for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle and also someone I'm privileged to call my friend. Allena discussed her version of poly; solo poly. She defined it as poly in which you have no primary partner, don't live with any of your partners and are not looking for a primary partner aka the proverbial "ONE" that so many people spend their lives searching for. Each of her partners fits a specific need in her life and she in theirs.

While I entered the world of non-monogamy with a primary partner, the primary-secondary distinction no longer applies to me and I feel Allena's solo poly is much more applicable. My version of poly is very fluid; I'm open to changes in how I view it and how I approach relationships, currently I'm not looking for a primary partner or a single individual to spend the rest of my life with. Some may view that as a lonely life prospect, but I've never felt that my life will be defined by me getting married and having children; I'm not saying that I never will do those things I just don't feel they are necessary for me to live a fulfilling life.

Recently I've had discussions with people about individuals 'deciding' that they want to get married and have children. It seems that many people make this decision solo, find the first suitable candidate; marry and have kids with them....not because they are the 'one' or the right fit for them, but because they made a decision that's what they wanted to do at that point in their life; and we wonder why so many couples get divorced! I'd much rather meet someone and make a decision that 'this person is important to me and I want to be with them for the rest of my life and have children with them because of how special they are.' Don't fool yourself, this isn't how most marriages begin, no matter how much you want to believe it. I know that this can happen, as it happened with J and I, she was someone that I would've married and had children with (which I didn't want when the relationship began) if it was something we both decided we wanted, however it wasn't while we were together.

My relationship status is thus solo poly: I'm not looking for a primary partner, but am open to the idea; I'm not looking for someone to live with, but wouldn't say no if someone asked; I'm not looking to get married or have kids, but if the person was special enough who knows.....confusing I know, but life should be fluid and open to change; right now I'm just looking for partners to satisfy specific needs in my life and having a lot of fun doing so!

Strip Wii Bowling

For the past 6 weeks I've been dating a new girl, M. Until we met, she was a relative vanilla, but as she puts it, "I always knew there was something else." Needless to say there's been a lot of fun experimentation recently and she's one of the reasons that I've failed to keep up with my goal of posting 3 times a week (gotta love NRE). More on M at a later date.

The other night we were out for a drink at our favourite local watering hole and she made mention that she has been craving video game and was as self-proclaimed Wii bowling shark, which upon arriving at my place I decided to put to the test. On comes the Wii and out comes Wii bowling, after a 1 point win by yours truly in the first match, the ante was upped, "How about for each game, the loser takes off a piece of clothing?" Well of course my answer was a profound YES! Confident as I was, I knew I was undressed for the occasion, women and their layers! The first 2 games were won easily by me and off came the cardigan and her bra, I was eyeing that pesky t-shirt next. Instead out came M's inner shark aided by her ability to never let my wine glass get less than a quarter full. She won the next game and off came a sock......I now know that in a game of strip anything, rules must be established beforehand as M's belief was socks count as one item, so after some prompting my her off came the other one. The next game was hers, as well and off came my shirt, leaving me with only my jeans; serves me right for forgetting boxers that day. Not that I had a problem with losing, because losing would eventually lead to a win for both of us; it was the bragging rights I was after. With the wine kicking our libido into overdrive the next game was played with M facing away from the TV straddling me, which quickly ended our strip Wii bowling experiment....luckily for me as she still had 3 items of clothing adorning her body.

We figured the game had gone on too long; to speed it up next time I think for each 20 points you lose by you will have to remove an extra piece of clothing. Toss in another player or two and the game could really be spiced up; give it try I'm sure you'll agree!

Twitter

As a follow-up to my post last week, I've discovered that Twitter seems to be a way for people to discover that I'm kinky. I keep my blog and twitter separate, using my name on my twitter feed and not here, however I do not discriminate what I talk about or who I communicate with via twitter as I've found it's a great way to keep in touch with some of my kinky friends. However, as individuals (particularly women) are want to do, they google you and low and behold at the top of my google search is my twitter feed. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I'm kinky with tweets like:

"A guy I work w/just rec'd a taser as a gift from a vanilla girl he just started dating....methinks she's not as vanilla as she seems."
"Nothing like some crop spanking post-Gaga; if only these people knew how to use them properly!!"
"RT @twistedmonk: "nothing says love quite like when you spit expensive bourbon on my freshly made single tail marks..."

And of course if they search through people I follow, they'll come across some very prominent names in the kink community, further unveiling my kink. Maybe this is a good way for me to start letting people know I'm poly as well...

Being Upfront - Part 1

Note: I wrote on a similar subject about a month ago, this post is a more defined idea as to when poly and kink should be disclosed based on a recent experience.

Being poly and kinky, one of my beliefs is that if you're going to date, date ethically. By that I mean if you're out with someone that you believe has different views than yourself (aka monogamous and non-kinky) you must be honest with them as to your beliefs. It's true that there is a fine line here, in response to a friend's question Mistress Matisse said in a blog post that you should disclose you are sex worker to a potential partner on a second date. When single I've always felt similar about when to disclose that I am poly. Disclosing this on a first date has the potential to distort any first impressions that your date may have of you; I've found that once you bring up non-monogamy the conversation inevitably gets focused on that losing any chance to find out whether there's any compatibility between the two of you.

Recently, I had a couple of dates with a young woman, the first one went very well.....drinks, dinner, movie.....typical first date. We really hit it off and had some great conversation. The second date ended up being 2 nights at a lake with a few of my friends, where we ended up drinking and talking long into the night; she was one of the easiest people I've talked to and I think she felt the same way as we both discussed things that aren't typically discussed on a 2nd date and that takes each of us a while to disclose to a partner. Part of these conversations revolved around me being poly and kinky, both had to be explained in detail to her and she no experience with either; however she didn't run for the hills but asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in my kinky side (we all know we have one). Another of my personal rules is not to engage in sex without disclosing this information and allowing it to sink in, so I remained ethically in our drunken and naked states (we went skinning dipping). About a week after being back in the city, I received a text from her saying, "she didn't think that she could see us going anywhere relationship wise because we were too different, she thinks." Would it have been nice to see where it could've gone? Of course, but neither of us had our feelings hurt because we were both honest about who we were and I have a feeling we'll continue to be friends.

Now if you're partnered, that's a different story; in my opinion it's a first date discussion. At least that's how I approached it when J and I were together; yes there is compatibility to be determined but from an ethical perspective you're coupled and your date should be made aware of your coupling; yes your dating pool will be significantly reduced and your dates may not last very long (I prefer coffee or drinks as a get to know you first date to have this discussion) but at least you can feel good about yourself and won't leave a trail of pissed of dates in your wake.

I'm still working on the timing of when to bring up just how kinky I am, when I figure it out, you'll have Part II.

Contracts

Every month (well I started last month but will continue to attend - so really only 2 months so far....but I digress) I'm attending a Master/slave discussion group. I'm not looking for, nor do I have a slave, however as a Dominant many of the concepts are transferable to the Dominant/submissive relationship so I will continue to attend. Last night's topic was contracts - a written agreement between the Master and slave outlining what is expected of each in their relationship; they also typically outline how long the slave with serve the Master.

Contracts are not something I believe in. It's a static document and a relationship should be fluid no matter how it's structured. Furthermore, a good Master/Dominant should be able to train their slave/submissive in such a way that there is no need for a contract as all actions have been learned and none are open to one partner's interpretation. I think that a Master could very easily fall prey to relying on the contract too much and fail to see a change in the slave. This could very easily lead to relationship problems as open communication is not facilitated. Yes, methods of communication can be written into a contract, however there's still the chance that it's not deemed to be as open or free as a result of the contract's language. If you're living with your slave/submissive a cohabitation agreement is probably a good idea, especially if the Master looks after the financial side of the relationship as you'd want to make sure your slave was looked after if something happened, but this is very much different than a M/s contract.

Something else that you have to understand about contracts is that they will not stand up in court, as one person cannot legally give away their rights to another. If they verbally say that they no longer want to be a part of the relationship then they no longer are, whatever is written into a M/s contract carries no weight in the court room. The only weight it would carry would be based on the commitment that each party has to each other and you don't need a contract to create that commitment.

I feel that if you are able to remain in regular contact with you slave/submissive and you are an individual who has the ability to understand and notice changes in behaviour then you will be able to ensure that the relationship stays on the path that you both want it to be. This brings us back to this concept of communication; which is not only key to this type of relationship but any relationship. I think I'm a good communicator (or at least have been told that I am), but even so I've made sure to let any partner know that if I'm not communicating properly make me aware of it, so that I can make adjustments as none of us are infallible. Contracts are too rigid and can often be open to interpretation; me I prefer the direct approach.

What it means to be poly

This past weekend I was lucky enough to be invited to Twisted Monk's 40th birthday bash and Abbey party and what a party it was. It had an 80's theme and the costumes ranged from George Michael to Devo to Adam Ant (Monk himself) to all variations of Madonna, with Mistress Matisse dressed 'Like a Virgin' - check out her Twitter feed for a picture; in my opinion the costume of the night, but I've always had a thing for Madonna. At one point as I was sipping a blissfully tasteful glass of Stagg, I looked around the room and saw....try and stay with me....Max single tailing one of his partner's L, as G, one of L's partners, watched. Next to G were Monk and Matisse, Max's partner, with arms intertwined enjoying the show, as Monk's wife was engaged in a conversation with a group of people nearby. On the other side of the room, were 2 of A's partners (all in all there were 4 of us in the room) having a conversation and as I stood there watching everyone thoroughly enjoying themselves all I could think was how great it was to be poly.

Everyone was smiling and having a fantastic time, no animosity, no drama; just a bunch of people that truly cared for one another enjoying themselves and the fact that their partners were having fun, no matter who that was with. That's the true essence of compersion, defined as a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion (Wikipedia). Do I think I'm more evolved than people who can't grasp this feeling? No, of course not. I can remember a time when I would get jealous of J having a conversation with another guy. Yes it took a while for me to change and be able to appreciate that another person could add something to her life and in doing so increase her happiness. I also realized that J wanted to be with me and if she didn't then she wouldn't, which was key to me understanding that I no longer had to fear losing her in that way, which reduced and eventually eliminated my feelings of jealousy.

To me poly is the ability to have your own and your partner's happiness enhanced by other people. Can that happen non-romantically? Of course it can, but there is a certain intimacy that can only be found through a more romantic relationship with someone and I've found that this allows that happiness to grow even further. When I can see the joy that A has in the fact that she will soon be collared, how can I not be happy for her? Luckily her dominant doesn't want the collaring to affect her other relationships, but even if it did, the joy she projects would be worth it. I want people that I care about to be happy, with or without me in their lives.

Will I always be poly? I don't know, I can't predict who I'll meet or where their beliefs will fall, but I see being open as being open to all types of relationships. The one thing I do know, is that given what I've seen and experienced it would take a very special person to make me want to be 100% monogamous again.

Things I Miss

Things I miss:
- Getting a hug before I leave for work
- Not having to grocery shop alone
- Coming home to the sounds of music and smell of baking
- The smell of the person you love
- Walking the dog
- Cooking dinner for more than one
- Having someone to share awkward situations with

This was a list I made almost 3 months ago now. I've tried and on occasion have successfully satisfied one or two of these misses in a given week (sometimes even in a day!) but have been unable to fulfill them all on a regular (or somewhat regular) basis. I still have my side of the bed and since I don't move very much while asleep the other side is always untouched. The condo is quiet when I arrive home and always smells the same. The only item that I can consistently satisfy is cooking for more than one person because....well....everyone likes a free meal and to be cooked for on occasion.

My nostalgia and sense of loss has grown the last day or two, I think brought on by my having dinner with some old friends last night, who discuss things I have no interest in discussing and want things that I have no interest in wanting. The lack of an outlet to voice a mutual disinterest makes me uninterested in making an attempt to continue the conversation, knowing I'm the only one that's uncomfortable in the setting. I'm not the type of person who will feign interest, so I left the meal before I burst at the seams with my honesty. The perspective it gave me was haunting....

S/M Tendencies

Over the past couple of weeks I'm beginning to get a much better understanding of where my S/M tendencies lie. J has always called me a masochist because of certain things that I continually do to myself:
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring

These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.

On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.

How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.

People in my life

Over the past couple of months, I've started to develop relationships with people both in and out of the kink community and I figured it'd be a good idea to recap those that I talk about the most as they are part of my growth as an individual both in and out of the kink community.

J - my ex-partner who I discovered poly and kink with. I still consider her my best friend and the one person that I can talk to about anything in the world. At the moment it's still difficult for both of us to spend time with each other as it usually ends in tears for one or both of us. But she's the woman that I will always envision my future with, even though my belief that there will ever be a chance for us again is gone.
Z - J's secondary while we were open. Just recently she told me that she is seeing him, while I know she didn't leave me for him I know he had an impact on our relationship, especially near the end; however all that matters to me is that she's happy.
A - My practice partner in Seattle. Our relationship is developing and neither of us have defined what it is or where it'll go but have put aside time and space to care for each other and see what happens. I'm off next week on a US road trip and she'll accompany me on part of it - from Sacramento (where she's spending the summer) to SF
Max - My bondage instructor and someone who I feel that I can learn a great deal from as I progress in the kink community. I see him as an informal mentor both in rope and in my kinky life, which is becoming more and more a part of my everyday life.
C - Was a vanilla girl I saw for a little while, we floated apart pretty quickly as I became more involved in the kink community and I realized it was something that she would never be interested in.
S - Another vanilla girl I dated for a while, she knew about my poly beliefs and kink lifestyle and still stuck around for a while, even though she saw rope bondage, "As something you'd do if you wanted to kidnap and kill someone." She knew that she wasn't the girl for me, but the short time we were together I left the impact on her life that I wanted to showing her that men can be decent and aren't always trying to get into her pants. We will continue to be friends, even though she doesn't want to hear about my kinky lifestyle.
Blip - My sub in my D/S relationship that recently began. Met her at a Vancouver play party, Rascal's, and I've been developing her as my submissive. It's a new experience for both of us and will be a very good learning experience.
H - A 19 year-old vanilla girl I've recently started dating. Only been out with her a couple of times and have yet to tell her about my poly/kinky beliefs but if she's still interested in me after I get back from my US road trip I will have the discussion with her, which I always find is an interesting conversation to have with people who are vanilla as it can bring out very intriguing reactions.

I think that's all for now. Enjoy the weekend!!

Thoughts on marriage...

Last weekend I was at a friend's wedding and one of the 760 guests in attendance was the mother of a childhood friend. Now maybe I'm getting to that age or maybe it's because we were at a wedding or maybe both; but one of the first questions she asked me, "Are you engage? Are you married?" Her response to my answer of no was, "Oh...well that's ok, I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Which prompted a brief discussion on my beliefs on marriage, short because 1) she was an old family friend and 2) well we were at a wedding, so it wasn't exactly the proper venue.

While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.

One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.

The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.

Holding on

I came across an anonymous quote yesterday:

"I think part of the reason why we hold something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen twice."

I think that this is so true. Life is a series events, relationships, and connections; but how often have you ever had one of them repeat itself? It happens rarely, if ever, so when you find something or someone amazing you never want to let that feeling go...so you hold it tighter hoping against hope to never lose it. Yesterday I was again overwhelmed by emotion while in savasana, only this time I was brought to tears; masked by the sweat of my just ended workout. The cause.....my apparent lack of connection with anything....the greatest connection I'll ever have seems to be slipping away and the more I try to hold on to it the more I lose it. I've always felt like I can find a solution for anything...but now that feeling is being replaced with a feeling that what I do, how I act doesn't matter...to anyone....so if you want to live for a greatness that doesn't matter; what's the point? What's the point of anything? I understand it's an incredibly lonely thought, which is why tears taint my cheeks. Tears of mourning for the loss of something so great that the thought of it never happening again fractures my heart and my soul. Trying to grapple with this is beginning to consume me, it's all I think about these days but no matter how much I think about it there's never an answer only a void.

Happiness

"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you're trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted."
Sophia Bush

I saw this local play last night called Conversations with Willie, which was centred around the main character, Richard's, dialogue with his penis. The play was about relationships and how they affect who you are. Richard and his wife were always looking for more attention from each other and needing to be validated by the other's apparently unconditional love. The play ended with Richard discovering that he has to be happy with himself before he can be happy in a relationship, a thought that has been very present in my head over the past few months.

There was a discussion after the play in which the host asked members of the audience for the aspects of the play, if any, that resonated with something in their life. I spoke about how me and another member of the audience had been talking about the same thing...being happy with yourself....during the intermission; he and I had never met before and neither of us had seen the play, however we had a discussion about internal happiness and how a relationship must compliment that happiness rather than try to be that happiness. If you look at the relationships around you, how many people seem to be in them because of convenience? A lot of these couples are in relationships to give them happiness, to not be alone, to be comfortable....instead of being happy with who they are first. When asked how my experiences with self-happiness was going; I stated that I was happy with the person I was but that I felt it was something that would always be evolving. We are not static individuals, rather are changing and growing and as long as we continue that growth individually, we can continue to compliment ourselves in our relationships.

After the show I reflected on what I said in order to try and reconcile a potential disparity between my happiness as a person and my lack of self-love. I have never loved myself nor have ever held myself in very high regard, and I don't think I ever will, yet I am happy with the person I am. How can this be true? I'm not yet 100% sure how, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot today and so far this is what I've come up with. If you remember one of the things I enjoy in life is making other people's lives better (Remaining Open)? Well that goal makes me happy, facilitating others' growth, which in turn feeds mine. I want people to move on from being around me thankful to have had me in their lives, that I have given them something that they otherwise wouldn't have discovered easily on their own. Whether I love myself or not, has nothing to do with this and I think that this love can be given to others, instead of being used internally. I'm only beginning to develop the concept that I can be happy with who I am, yet be depressed and/or not love myself; but I think I will continue to ponder this idea because I don't think the two concepts are contradictory. It's yet another avenue of self-discovery that I'm working on.....don't forget life is all about the process.