Last week my submissive partner, peach, showed up an hour late to a date with me highly intoxicated. I knew as soon as I spoke to her on the phone I should've told her to go home. I had to verbally direct her to my condo, a place she's been on numerous occasions over the past 6 months, even though she was only 5 blocks away. It took 25 minutes to coax her in the right direction, something that should not be necessary given our D/s relationship. I should've gone with my gut feeling and not concerned myself with how she would react, she wasn't being disobedient per se rather she was not in any place to do a scene, let alone hold a conversation. My feeling towards her was/is utter disappointment, not in that she was late but that she had let herself get to that point with the knowledge she was to see me that evening.
Upon finally arriving, her usual submissiveness was non-existent. The food she had brought me was inedible after being tossed upside down in her bag, she split water all over my floor failing to clean it up, forgot to use 'Sir' the name she is supposed to call me...these were only a few of her indiscretions. It was obvious that she was in no place to be spending time with me, so I got her together and drove her home, much to her chagrin and indignation, as she tried to storm out, something she would typically never consider doing, no matter what the scenario. She said she wasn't THAT drunk and that I didn't need to drive her home, however I had no confidence in her ability to find her own way.
What really got to me during this ordeal and really the purpose of my writing is the numerous items that she discussed or babbled on about when I got her to her place and tried to get her out of my car, which took over 45 minutes. I feel that when people are drunk things that are usually thought about are vocalized, as the level of restraint usually shown is eliminated; I'm sure that many of you have witnessed the same thing in similar situations. These formerly hidden thoughts and feelings can sometimes be ignored, but I'm not sure if that's true in this case.
Through tears she said: her friends didn't understand our relationship and didn't like the way I treated her; I didn't care about her or didn't show it in a way that she wanted; that she didn't feel like herself around me and felt uncomfortable in her own skin; that her feeling of being uncomfortable was compounded because of how comfortable I was with everything; that she was afraid of having her submissiveness rejected because she wanted to be more submissive than what I was looking for; she wanted to potentially be a slave in the future, but knows that's not what I want; on two occasions that she thought the conversation in my car would be the last one we had and would be the end of our relationship as she knew it.....And then the next day she remembered none of it....
She doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to know what she said, and she's beside herself with grief over being that intoxicated in front of me. I don't know how I'm supposed to handle our relationship now. I know I can't go on as if nothing she said wasn't said, I'm a talker and I need to talk about things like this. But the flip side is I know that I can't handle the fallout from that discussion; I can't handle another 4 hour crying session from her, that we've gone through on more than one occasion; it won't resolve anything. Those thoughts and feelings of hers will continue to be there, continue to reside in her head and continue to affect our relationship. She's looking to me to help fix her through D/s and only she can fix herself, I can only help give her a little nudge along the way and I wonder if in this case that nudge is an end to her first D/s relationship......
Showing posts with label BDSM. Show all posts
Showing posts with label BDSM. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Friday, January 14, 2011
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Kinky Ethics
A couple of weeks ago I attended a seminar on accounting ethics, now before you close your browser in terror at the thought of me actually discussing accounting ethics, never fear; I have none such intention. The seminar did, however get me thinking of how BDSM/poly ethics are applicable in the vanilla world, because ethics are ethics, no matter what you're doing.
One of the most important BDSM actions, or inactions as the case may be, is the lack of physical contact until you know someone well. How many times have you been to a club or a bar and been groped by someone you don't know while you're dancing? Standing at the bar? Walking to the bathroom? It's happened to me at least a dozen times, I can only imagine how many times its happened to the ladies out there. The complete opposite is true at a BDSM party, no one you don't know will grope you and people you do know will ask before they touch you in any fashion; you'd think this would be common sense, but apparently not.
Then there's negotiation, which occurs before most BDSM and poly relationships begin. Guidelines, ground rules, and limits need to be established before anything progresses, I agree it can take some of the suspense out of a relationship but wouldn't you rather know if a partner was allergic to latex or had an STI before you began a night of needles or oral sex? I would, so what if it's a little TMI before things get serious; you'll thank yourself for it later. Or how about whether or not you want to know if your partner slept with someone, who that someone was and what they did together? There's no such thing as a mind reader (at least as far as I know), so if you don't know this stuff up front, one of you is going to end up disappointed. I know I've had women I've dated tell me I'm too honest and it's tough for them to handle, but I'm glad I know that now instead of 5 years down the road, saves us both some time and disappointment!
BDSM and poly have made me more ethical than I was before I entered their respective communities; however the irony is that my lifestyle may be seen as detrimental and unethical to the vanilla accounting community I'm a member of. I know I would be prepared to give up said membership if it came down to a choice between my lifestyle or the membership, even though it took me 4 years to get. I'm not being dramatic either, the seminar instructor told a story about how he knew of a member who also owned a strip club, which was deemed detrimental to the membership (yes I know, it sounds like a cult); typically I would've argued til the cows came home, but at this point I had been in the seminar for 7 hours and just wanted to get home, besides I don't think anyone in the room would've agreed with me that the ownership of a strip club was NOT detrimental; sometimes the world just frustrates me. Needless to say, if I continue to be as open as I am about who I am there will be someone who will think it's detrimental to the membership and since I'm not planning on changing who I am....well.....a battle there will be, because one thing I won't do, is go down without proving a point a second time.
One of the most important BDSM actions, or inactions as the case may be, is the lack of physical contact until you know someone well. How many times have you been to a club or a bar and been groped by someone you don't know while you're dancing? Standing at the bar? Walking to the bathroom? It's happened to me at least a dozen times, I can only imagine how many times its happened to the ladies out there. The complete opposite is true at a BDSM party, no one you don't know will grope you and people you do know will ask before they touch you in any fashion; you'd think this would be common sense, but apparently not.
Then there's negotiation, which occurs before most BDSM and poly relationships begin. Guidelines, ground rules, and limits need to be established before anything progresses, I agree it can take some of the suspense out of a relationship but wouldn't you rather know if a partner was allergic to latex or had an STI before you began a night of needles or oral sex? I would, so what if it's a little TMI before things get serious; you'll thank yourself for it later. Or how about whether or not you want to know if your partner slept with someone, who that someone was and what they did together? There's no such thing as a mind reader (at least as far as I know), so if you don't know this stuff up front, one of you is going to end up disappointed. I know I've had women I've dated tell me I'm too honest and it's tough for them to handle, but I'm glad I know that now instead of 5 years down the road, saves us both some time and disappointment!
BDSM and poly have made me more ethical than I was before I entered their respective communities; however the irony is that my lifestyle may be seen as detrimental and unethical to the vanilla accounting community I'm a member of. I know I would be prepared to give up said membership if it came down to a choice between my lifestyle or the membership, even though it took me 4 years to get. I'm not being dramatic either, the seminar instructor told a story about how he knew of a member who also owned a strip club, which was deemed detrimental to the membership (yes I know, it sounds like a cult); typically I would've argued til the cows came home, but at this point I had been in the seminar for 7 hours and just wanted to get home, besides I don't think anyone in the room would've agreed with me that the ownership of a strip club was NOT detrimental; sometimes the world just frustrates me. Needless to say, if I continue to be as open as I am about who I am there will be someone who will think it's detrimental to the membership and since I'm not planning on changing who I am....well.....a battle there will be, because one thing I won't do, is go down without proving a point a second time.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Needles and Staples
Saturday night I had my first introduction to sharp, pointy implements, namely needles and staples, neither of which I had ever seen firsthand. A number of my Emerald City friends very much enjoy poking people with sharp objects, typically eliciting an endorphin rush for both parties. I thought I knew what to expect from the numerous FetLife pictures I'd seen, but as I watched Lorelai weave needles in and out of people's skin, I questioned how I may react to the sensation.
As I've said before, I typically only bottom to feel the sensation, as I don't receive a buzz or a high from play and this I feel ethically responsible to do before I'm willing to play with someone the same fashion, but as I watched needles of varying gauges being woven into skin and out of skin I wondered if the sensation would be all I would receive this time. Needles seemed to garner a slightly more intense reaction than other types of play I'd experimented with and while my stomach wasn't doing flip flops; I was curious as to how I'd react. I figured a little self discovery would be a good way to start....so grabbing the stapler I punched a staple into my left forearm. A slight prick to be sure, but nothing more intense than a tattoo needle with a little bit of blood. When Lorelai was finished with her willing demo bottom, I told her to poke away.
As she readied my arm with alcohol, donned a fresh pair of latex gloves and massaged the soon to be pricked location, she checked in and instructed me to take a deep breath in and out and repeat. I didn't watch, but I could feel the needle getting closer to my arm with each exhale. As I relaxed she pounced....a slight prick was all I felt, the sensation was interesting and it took longer to feel the exiting prick than I would've expected, but once it was done, it was done. Nothing ground breaking, no endorphin rush, no blissed out feeling. Just a sensation that came and went. She ended up making a 3 needle button on my upper left arm, while Buffy stapled my right arm 6 or 7 times. You can feel the needles in your arm, as a button consists of needles deeper in the tissue underneath the previous needle in a circular pattern, but it was more pressure than anything and by no means painful. At one point Matisse, feigned applying pressure to the raised skin in the middle of the button, to which I said, "Be my guest." And she did. I later asked her how much pressure she applied and apparently she leaned into it pretty good, but again nothing. The blank expression on my face as she released the pressure, I think almost confused her as she walked away fanning her face....sadists enjoy pain resistant bottoms and that is apparently I.
To see if I could evoke a different sensation I spent some time slapping both the staples and the button, but all I could muster was some blood. After about half an hour or so, Lorelai removed the needles and Buffy the staples (I love that the body staple remover is very similar to a paper-based staple remover, gave me a good chuckle). As she was removing the needles, Lorelai asked if she could twist it during removal; consent was granted.....Now imagine if you will a needle threading through the skin of your arm and instead of being pulled straight out, said needle was bent upwards, twisted and dug into your tissue over the 15 seconds or so. Is that picture in your head? Good, that's what happened as my final needle was removed to the point where it had an acute angle at its mid-point. But again only a slight prick and blood.
Now I'm not trying to boast or make claims that I'm a heavy bottom, I just found it curious that all I encountered was a slight sensation when the prick actually occurred, which was very contrary to the woman to my left who when stuck with a single needle stared into Buffy's eyes and cooed in a soft tone, "Your eyes are shiny." Now that's a blissed out reaction to needle play.
Of course needle play wasn't the only thing that occurred during the post-HUMP party, there was of course bondage, flogging, single tails, and a lot of public sex, very different from your typical kink party and came primarily from the Burner population there. How long did it go on for one might ask....let's just say I'm glad that Saturday was the night we turned the clocks back this year.
As I've said before, I typically only bottom to feel the sensation, as I don't receive a buzz or a high from play and this I feel ethically responsible to do before I'm willing to play with someone the same fashion, but as I watched needles of varying gauges being woven into skin and out of skin I wondered if the sensation would be all I would receive this time. Needles seemed to garner a slightly more intense reaction than other types of play I'd experimented with and while my stomach wasn't doing flip flops; I was curious as to how I'd react. I figured a little self discovery would be a good way to start....so grabbing the stapler I punched a staple into my left forearm. A slight prick to be sure, but nothing more intense than a tattoo needle with a little bit of blood. When Lorelai was finished with her willing demo bottom, I told her to poke away.
As she readied my arm with alcohol, donned a fresh pair of latex gloves and massaged the soon to be pricked location, she checked in and instructed me to take a deep breath in and out and repeat. I didn't watch, but I could feel the needle getting closer to my arm with each exhale. As I relaxed she pounced....a slight prick was all I felt, the sensation was interesting and it took longer to feel the exiting prick than I would've expected, but once it was done, it was done. Nothing ground breaking, no endorphin rush, no blissed out feeling. Just a sensation that came and went. She ended up making a 3 needle button on my upper left arm, while Buffy stapled my right arm 6 or 7 times. You can feel the needles in your arm, as a button consists of needles deeper in the tissue underneath the previous needle in a circular pattern, but it was more pressure than anything and by no means painful. At one point Matisse, feigned applying pressure to the raised skin in the middle of the button, to which I said, "Be my guest." And she did. I later asked her how much pressure she applied and apparently she leaned into it pretty good, but again nothing. The blank expression on my face as she released the pressure, I think almost confused her as she walked away fanning her face....sadists enjoy pain resistant bottoms and that is apparently I.
To see if I could evoke a different sensation I spent some time slapping both the staples and the button, but all I could muster was some blood. After about half an hour or so, Lorelai removed the needles and Buffy the staples (I love that the body staple remover is very similar to a paper-based staple remover, gave me a good chuckle). As she was removing the needles, Lorelai asked if she could twist it during removal; consent was granted.....Now imagine if you will a needle threading through the skin of your arm and instead of being pulled straight out, said needle was bent upwards, twisted and dug into your tissue over the 15 seconds or so. Is that picture in your head? Good, that's what happened as my final needle was removed to the point where it had an acute angle at its mid-point. But again only a slight prick and blood.
Now I'm not trying to boast or make claims that I'm a heavy bottom, I just found it curious that all I encountered was a slight sensation when the prick actually occurred, which was very contrary to the woman to my left who when stuck with a single needle stared into Buffy's eyes and cooed in a soft tone, "Your eyes are shiny." Now that's a blissed out reaction to needle play.
Of course needle play wasn't the only thing that occurred during the post-HUMP party, there was of course bondage, flogging, single tails, and a lot of public sex, very different from your typical kink party and came primarily from the Burner population there. How long did it go on for one might ask....let's just say I'm glad that Saturday was the night we turned the clocks back this year.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Sir C Workshop
Just finished attending 2 workshops by Sir C, who is in Seattle from New York doing weekend workshops at the CSPC. If you're in Seattle tomorrow there's one more tomorrow called Basic Hojojutsu, he's a fantastic teacher and you should do your best to attend, and the best thing is, you don't have to be a CSPC member to attend. The second workshop was Sir C "Upping the Ante" and spent 2 hours demoing how to be mean, giving me many fantastic ideas, many of which had their "ante upped" due to all the kinky locals in attendance, they are a devious bunch, which is why I love making trips down here on a regular basis. One of the more interesting things I learned was that squirting water into someone's ear induces vomiting, something that wasn't demoed today, for obvious reasons, but would be very interesting to try at some point in the future. It's a medical technique to test brain dead to see if someone's alive or not. I also found out some very interesting ways to use pop rocks in conjunction with saran wrap and given that I know someone that loves to be saran wrapped, I'm excited to test it out in the near future. I came away with a lot more sadistic ideas (you can never have enough!) that I hope to employ soon and share with the blogging world, but I must run off to a Hump play party with some very kinky people here in town. I'm looking very forward to it as it'll be my first official Seattle private play party and I've convinced someone (it wasn't hard) to show me needle play, not on me necessarily but I've never seen it live (I have no idea why) and am looking forward to it.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Folsom Fringe
A kinky conference is like any other conference, you learn and network. Of course, networking takes on a different meaning in this context. I've always thought of a conference as something that allows you to advance your business connections and in the same vein a kink conference allows you to find new play partners, mentors, and friends....sounds very similar, doesn't it? I guess the networking isn't too different after all. Needless to say I met some amazing people and while I didn't play at the party on the Friday night, I did learn a lot and had some incredibly interesting conversations about kink and polyamory.
I found that the people that attended the conference were very much like me, they weren't just interested in the sensations derived from kink (well some were), but also how and why things are the way they are. It was refreshing to have intellectual conversations about poly and kink and how they related to each other in everyday lives, something that I always feel is lacking in my local scene. It's one of the reasons that I travel to Seattle on a regular basis, because the conversations that I can have there far exceed what I can have at home. While there are a couple of people in Vancouver that are interested in having these discussions the ability to have these discussions with people around the same age as me was fantastic. Especially since these are the people that I will be growing with in the world of kink. I may see them this year or in 5 years, but keeping in touch with them from time to time only serves to increase you network and talking only serves to drive my desire to learn and grow as the kinky person I am.
I found that the people that attended the conference were very much like me, they weren't just interested in the sensations derived from kink (well some were), but also how and why things are the way they are. It was refreshing to have intellectual conversations about poly and kink and how they related to each other in everyday lives, something that I always feel is lacking in my local scene. It's one of the reasons that I travel to Seattle on a regular basis, because the conversations that I can have there far exceed what I can have at home. While there are a couple of people in Vancouver that are interested in having these discussions the ability to have these discussions with people around the same age as me was fantastic. Especially since these are the people that I will be growing with in the world of kink. I may see them this year or in 5 years, but keeping in touch with them from time to time only serves to increase you network and talking only serves to drive my desire to learn and grow as the kinky person I am.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Busy Life
Apparently I have not been able to maintain my goal of writing an entry at least 3 times per week, which is very unlike me. Typically if I set a goal I stick to it, for that I apologize. My only excuse is a busy life, which does not satisfy me.
What have I been busy with? Well as I write this I’m on an airplane on my way to Folsom Street Fringe, which will eventually lead to Folsom Street Fair on Sunday. Labour day weekend I was in Seattle for Paradise Unbound, where I attended a number of workshops. The highlight of which was Graydancer’s Tie Em Up and Fuck Em workshop, which detailed a simple yet effective (it’s effectiveness has been confirmed) rope handcuff that takes mere seconds to unleash. The motto is….secure the wrists…..wrap the body….control the hips; with only a slight miracle required. I must applaud Graydancer as it is an original invention, thank-you.
Back home, I’ve continued to attend M/s discussions, attended a Protocal dinner, a Sir/Boy leather contest in Seattle judged by Monk and a 7-hour rope intensive taught by Boss Bondage. Oh and of course my non-kinky life has continued! So needless to say I’ve been busy. I do hope to be able to get back on track with blogging as it helps me put my thoughts and ideas into print. I’m sure I’ll have some reflections from both Folsom Street Fringe and Fair in the upcoming days.
What have I been busy with? Well as I write this I’m on an airplane on my way to Folsom Street Fringe, which will eventually lead to Folsom Street Fair on Sunday. Labour day weekend I was in Seattle for Paradise Unbound, where I attended a number of workshops. The highlight of which was Graydancer’s Tie Em Up and Fuck Em workshop, which detailed a simple yet effective (it’s effectiveness has been confirmed) rope handcuff that takes mere seconds to unleash. The motto is….secure the wrists…..wrap the body….control the hips; with only a slight miracle required. I must applaud Graydancer as it is an original invention, thank-you.
Back home, I’ve continued to attend M/s discussions, attended a Protocal dinner, a Sir/Boy leather contest in Seattle judged by Monk and a 7-hour rope intensive taught by Boss Bondage. Oh and of course my non-kinky life has continued! So needless to say I’ve been busy. I do hope to be able to get back on track with blogging as it helps me put my thoughts and ideas into print. I’m sure I’ll have some reflections from both Folsom Street Fringe and Fair in the upcoming days.
Friday, September 3, 2010
As a follow-up to my post last week, I've discovered that Twitter seems to be a way for people to discover that I'm kinky. I keep my blog and twitter separate, using my name on my twitter feed and not here, however I do not discriminate what I talk about or who I communicate with via twitter as I've found it's a great way to keep in touch with some of my kinky friends. However, as individuals (particularly women) are want to do, they google you and low and behold at the top of my google search is my twitter feed. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I'm kinky with tweets like:
"A guy I work w/just rec'd a taser as a gift from a vanilla girl he just started dating....methinks she's not as vanilla as she seems."
"Nothing like some crop spanking post-Gaga; if only these people knew how to use them properly!!"
"RT @twistedmonk: "nothing says love quite like when you spit expensive bourbon on my freshly made single tail marks..."
And of course if they search through people I follow, they'll come across some very prominent names in the kink community, further unveiling my kink. Maybe this is a good way for me to start letting people know I'm poly as well...
"A guy I work w/just rec'd a taser as a gift from a vanilla girl he just started dating....methinks she's not as vanilla as she seems."
"Nothing like some crop spanking post-Gaga; if only these people knew how to use them properly!!"
"RT @twistedmonk: "nothing says love quite like when you spit expensive bourbon on my freshly made single tail marks..."
And of course if they search through people I follow, they'll come across some very prominent names in the kink community, further unveiling my kink. Maybe this is a good way for me to start letting people know I'm poly as well...
Friday, August 27, 2010
Being Upfront - Part 1
Note: I wrote on a similar subject about a month ago, this post is a more defined idea as to when poly and kink should be disclosed based on a recent experience.
Being poly and kinky, one of my beliefs is that if you're going to date, date ethically. By that I mean if you're out with someone that you believe has different views than yourself (aka monogamous and non-kinky) you must be honest with them as to your beliefs. It's true that there is a fine line here, in response to a friend's question Mistress Matisse said in a blog post that you should disclose you are sex worker to a potential partner on a second date. When single I've always felt similar about when to disclose that I am poly. Disclosing this on a first date has the potential to distort any first impressions that your date may have of you; I've found that once you bring up non-monogamy the conversation inevitably gets focused on that losing any chance to find out whether there's any compatibility between the two of you.
Recently, I had a couple of dates with a young woman, the first one went very well.....drinks, dinner, movie.....typical first date. We really hit it off and had some great conversation. The second date ended up being 2 nights at a lake with a few of my friends, where we ended up drinking and talking long into the night; she was one of the easiest people I've talked to and I think she felt the same way as we both discussed things that aren't typically discussed on a 2nd date and that takes each of us a while to disclose to a partner. Part of these conversations revolved around me being poly and kinky, both had to be explained in detail to her and she no experience with either; however she didn't run for the hills but asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in my kinky side (we all know we have one). Another of my personal rules is not to engage in sex without disclosing this information and allowing it to sink in, so I remained ethically in our drunken and naked states (we went skinning dipping). About a week after being back in the city, I received a text from her saying, "she didn't think that she could see us going anywhere relationship wise because we were too different, she thinks." Would it have been nice to see where it could've gone? Of course, but neither of us had our feelings hurt because we were both honest about who we were and I have a feeling we'll continue to be friends.
Now if you're partnered, that's a different story; in my opinion it's a first date discussion. At least that's how I approached it when J and I were together; yes there is compatibility to be determined but from an ethical perspective you're coupled and your date should be made aware of your coupling; yes your dating pool will be significantly reduced and your dates may not last very long (I prefer coffee or drinks as a get to know you first date to have this discussion) but at least you can feel good about yourself and won't leave a trail of pissed of dates in your wake.
I'm still working on the timing of when to bring up just how kinky I am, when I figure it out, you'll have Part II.
Being poly and kinky, one of my beliefs is that if you're going to date, date ethically. By that I mean if you're out with someone that you believe has different views than yourself (aka monogamous and non-kinky) you must be honest with them as to your beliefs. It's true that there is a fine line here, in response to a friend's question Mistress Matisse said in a blog post that you should disclose you are sex worker to a potential partner on a second date. When single I've always felt similar about when to disclose that I am poly. Disclosing this on a first date has the potential to distort any first impressions that your date may have of you; I've found that once you bring up non-monogamy the conversation inevitably gets focused on that losing any chance to find out whether there's any compatibility between the two of you.
Recently, I had a couple of dates with a young woman, the first one went very well.....drinks, dinner, movie.....typical first date. We really hit it off and had some great conversation. The second date ended up being 2 nights at a lake with a few of my friends, where we ended up drinking and talking long into the night; she was one of the easiest people I've talked to and I think she felt the same way as we both discussed things that aren't typically discussed on a 2nd date and that takes each of us a while to disclose to a partner. Part of these conversations revolved around me being poly and kinky, both had to be explained in detail to her and she no experience with either; however she didn't run for the hills but asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in my kinky side (we all know we have one). Another of my personal rules is not to engage in sex without disclosing this information and allowing it to sink in, so I remained ethically in our drunken and naked states (we went skinning dipping). About a week after being back in the city, I received a text from her saying, "she didn't think that she could see us going anywhere relationship wise because we were too different, she thinks." Would it have been nice to see where it could've gone? Of course, but neither of us had our feelings hurt because we were both honest about who we were and I have a feeling we'll continue to be friends.
Now if you're partnered, that's a different story; in my opinion it's a first date discussion. At least that's how I approached it when J and I were together; yes there is compatibility to be determined but from an ethical perspective you're coupled and your date should be made aware of your coupling; yes your dating pool will be significantly reduced and your dates may not last very long (I prefer coffee or drinks as a get to know you first date to have this discussion) but at least you can feel good about yourself and won't leave a trail of pissed of dates in your wake.
I'm still working on the timing of when to bring up just how kinky I am, when I figure it out, you'll have Part II.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Exploratorium
Last week I was asked to run a restrictive bondage booth at the Libido Lounge's Friday night Exploratorium event. The event allows individuals to sample a selection of kink activities for a 15-minute duration, just enough for them to feel whether it's something that they may be interested in learning more about. This marked my first foray into teaching/demonstrating rope; and was the first time that I brought Blip along as my assistant, a job that she will continue to learn. As newbies, the attendees ran the show and based on a brief discussion with them I devised a quick way to introduce them to rope; for the most part these were very simple breast harnesses, with a couple of variations. While it was an interesting experience it's not the way I typically like to tie, with direction. I had an idea of how I wanted to run my booth, but after a discussion with the owner of Libido Lounge, I realized that what I wanted to do was too advanced (and mean) for the newbies who would be attending; thus I had to turn down my sadistic dial.
My success of the night was being able to change 2 people's minds about rope. They had both previously had bad rope experiences, but through negotiations I was able to determine what didn't work in the past and tailor my approach accordingly; afterwards they both said it'd definitely be something that they'd be willing to try again....woohoo!!
Blip was a good assistant, although sometimes got a little bit too caught up in all the play that was going on around her. One of the things that I've been working on with her is her focus, it's coming but she still has a ways to go. A couple of hours into the event, as a reward I allowed her the sampling of her choice and she choose mummification in saran wrap by one person and flogged by another...luckily I had a gap in attendees near the end of her flogging and had the opportunity to finish the scene. I can't wait until I'm able to put some time into practicing flogging and be able to use my full force, but until then short arming it will have to suffice. Then the issue will be finding someone who can take my full force, especially seeing as I'm not one that enjoys too much warm up....luckily there are a lot of masochists out there....
My success of the night was being able to change 2 people's minds about rope. They had both previously had bad rope experiences, but through negotiations I was able to determine what didn't work in the past and tailor my approach accordingly; afterwards they both said it'd definitely be something that they'd be willing to try again....woohoo!!
Blip was a good assistant, although sometimes got a little bit too caught up in all the play that was going on around her. One of the things that I've been working on with her is her focus, it's coming but she still has a ways to go. A couple of hours into the event, as a reward I allowed her the sampling of her choice and she choose mummification in saran wrap by one person and flogged by another...luckily I had a gap in attendees near the end of her flogging and had the opportunity to finish the scene. I can't wait until I'm able to put some time into practicing flogging and be able to use my full force, but until then short arming it will have to suffice. Then the issue will be finding someone who can take my full force, especially seeing as I'm not one that enjoys too much warm up....luckily there are a lot of masochists out there....
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Contracts
Every month (well I started last month but will continue to attend - so really only 2 months so far....but I digress) I'm attending a Master/slave discussion group. I'm not looking for, nor do I have a slave, however as a Dominant many of the concepts are transferable to the Dominant/submissive relationship so I will continue to attend. Last night's topic was contracts - a written agreement between the Master and slave outlining what is expected of each in their relationship; they also typically outline how long the slave with serve the Master.
Contracts are not something I believe in. It's a static document and a relationship should be fluid no matter how it's structured. Furthermore, a good Master/Dominant should be able to train their slave/submissive in such a way that there is no need for a contract as all actions have been learned and none are open to one partner's interpretation. I think that a Master could very easily fall prey to relying on the contract too much and fail to see a change in the slave. This could very easily lead to relationship problems as open communication is not facilitated. Yes, methods of communication can be written into a contract, however there's still the chance that it's not deemed to be as open or free as a result of the contract's language. If you're living with your slave/submissive a cohabitation agreement is probably a good idea, especially if the Master looks after the financial side of the relationship as you'd want to make sure your slave was looked after if something happened, but this is very much different than a M/s contract.
Something else that you have to understand about contracts is that they will not stand up in court, as one person cannot legally give away their rights to another. If they verbally say that they no longer want to be a part of the relationship then they no longer are, whatever is written into a M/s contract carries no weight in the court room. The only weight it would carry would be based on the commitment that each party has to each other and you don't need a contract to create that commitment.
I feel that if you are able to remain in regular contact with you slave/submissive and you are an individual who has the ability to understand and notice changes in behaviour then you will be able to ensure that the relationship stays on the path that you both want it to be. This brings us back to this concept of communication; which is not only key to this type of relationship but any relationship. I think I'm a good communicator (or at least have been told that I am), but even so I've made sure to let any partner know that if I'm not communicating properly make me aware of it, so that I can make adjustments as none of us are infallible. Contracts are too rigid and can often be open to interpretation; me I prefer the direct approach.
Contracts are not something I believe in. It's a static document and a relationship should be fluid no matter how it's structured. Furthermore, a good Master/Dominant should be able to train their slave/submissive in such a way that there is no need for a contract as all actions have been learned and none are open to one partner's interpretation. I think that a Master could very easily fall prey to relying on the contract too much and fail to see a change in the slave. This could very easily lead to relationship problems as open communication is not facilitated. Yes, methods of communication can be written into a contract, however there's still the chance that it's not deemed to be as open or free as a result of the contract's language. If you're living with your slave/submissive a cohabitation agreement is probably a good idea, especially if the Master looks after the financial side of the relationship as you'd want to make sure your slave was looked after if something happened, but this is very much different than a M/s contract.
Something else that you have to understand about contracts is that they will not stand up in court, as one person cannot legally give away their rights to another. If they verbally say that they no longer want to be a part of the relationship then they no longer are, whatever is written into a M/s contract carries no weight in the court room. The only weight it would carry would be based on the commitment that each party has to each other and you don't need a contract to create that commitment.
I feel that if you are able to remain in regular contact with you slave/submissive and you are an individual who has the ability to understand and notice changes in behaviour then you will be able to ensure that the relationship stays on the path that you both want it to be. This brings us back to this concept of communication; which is not only key to this type of relationship but any relationship. I think I'm a good communicator (or at least have been told that I am), but even so I've made sure to let any partner know that if I'm not communicating properly make me aware of it, so that I can make adjustments as none of us are infallible. Contracts are too rigid and can often be open to interpretation; me I prefer the direct approach.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
When to break the news...
An article that Mistress Matisse wrote for her Strange column today about poly people dating monogamous people got me thinking about when is the right time to tell someone you're poly and/or kinky. Ethically, I feel that you should tell someone as soon as possible before either party gets too emotionally invested in the other, however in practice this ends up being more difficult than it appears.
One girl I told after a couple of weeks of seeing her exploded and said that her whole opinion of me changed and we haven't seen each other since, while another said she enjoyed my company but had no interest in non-monogamy or kink and didn't want to hear about anything I did related to either. We continued to see each other for a few weeks, but eventually the relationship ran its course. I have only once brought up the poly conversation on a first date and this was when I was still with J, the woman was fine with it and we saw each other a couple of times, but nothing really transpired until after J and I broke up and then only briefly.
As with most things it really depends on the type of person that you are disclosing your lifestyle to, however I think if the relationship is going to work for better or for worse, honestly is the best policy and you should discuss your poly beliefs within the first couple of dates.
What about kink? Outside of people I've met at kink events, my interest in kink is not known by many people I meet for the first time. The other night I had a bunch of people I recently met over and spent 10 minutes running around hiding toys and books, as I was sure (and rightly so) that there'd be snooping. I'm generally pretty matter of fact about my kink, however if it's a young lady that I may be interested in having as a partner I feel like I should bring her along slowly, but am I really going to hide all my toys and books every time I see her? That just doesn't seem practical. And while, I am able to have sexual relations with someone without kink involved I think from an ethical perspective full disclosure again is the only way to go. Either that or I should just stop dating people that I think are vanilla, which is no fun as it severely limits your dating pool, especially in Vancouver.
The question comes to me with everyone I meet and it's one of those things that I have to get used to being both poly and kinky; as with most things in life...it's a work in progress.
One girl I told after a couple of weeks of seeing her exploded and said that her whole opinion of me changed and we haven't seen each other since, while another said she enjoyed my company but had no interest in non-monogamy or kink and didn't want to hear about anything I did related to either. We continued to see each other for a few weeks, but eventually the relationship ran its course. I have only once brought up the poly conversation on a first date and this was when I was still with J, the woman was fine with it and we saw each other a couple of times, but nothing really transpired until after J and I broke up and then only briefly.
As with most things it really depends on the type of person that you are disclosing your lifestyle to, however I think if the relationship is going to work for better or for worse, honestly is the best policy and you should discuss your poly beliefs within the first couple of dates.
What about kink? Outside of people I've met at kink events, my interest in kink is not known by many people I meet for the first time. The other night I had a bunch of people I recently met over and spent 10 minutes running around hiding toys and books, as I was sure (and rightly so) that there'd be snooping. I'm generally pretty matter of fact about my kink, however if it's a young lady that I may be interested in having as a partner I feel like I should bring her along slowly, but am I really going to hide all my toys and books every time I see her? That just doesn't seem practical. And while, I am able to have sexual relations with someone without kink involved I think from an ethical perspective full disclosure again is the only way to go. Either that or I should just stop dating people that I think are vanilla, which is no fun as it severely limits your dating pool, especially in Vancouver.
The question comes to me with everyone I meet and it's one of those things that I have to get used to being both poly and kinky; as with most things in life...it's a work in progress.
Monday, July 12, 2010
S/M Tendencies
Over the past couple of weeks I'm beginning to get a much better understanding of where my S/M tendencies lie. J has always called me a masochist because of certain things that I continually do to myself:
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring
These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.
On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.
How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring
These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.
On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.
How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Out
During my road trip I told pretty much anyone I had a chance to talk to for an extended period of time that I was both poly and kinky; some needed a little bit more explanation about what that means, others knew right away, but the interesting thing was that everyone I told (all of whom were vanilla, at least as far as I'm aware) asked questions and continued the conversation instead of running for the hills. So either I have some amazing friends or it's just not that big of a deal anymore, while I wish the latter were true, I think in this situation the former is the case. However, I think as the world and both sexes evolve there is less and less of a stigma attached to being either poly or kinky.
So with that knowledge in hand, last night I came out to my dad as both poly and kinky....the reaction was, well, what I expected from my dad; complete and utter acceptance. He asked a few questions and thanked me for sharing it with him but that was about it. My decision to come out to him stemmed from him coming out of his shell after 64 years of life, brought on by his recent Caribbean cruise that he went on with a lady that he met 23 years ago when both of them were married, an amazing story to say the least. And I figured that now was as good a time as any, especially as I'm finding my footing more and more in this 'brave new world' as my Dad called it. As a good parent, his only concern was my safety from STIs, which anyone that lives the same life that I do knows are a huge part of being both poly and kinky and is a conversation that happens very near the beginning of any sexual relationship in this lifestyle. I know for me it's something that comes up within the first couple of dates, once I decide a person may be worth seeing more of; it's also an easy way to filter out people that aren't interested in the way we live. Where I live, the number of poly/kinky friends I have are few in number, so it's especially important when meeting vanilla people, as it separates those that are truly vanilla from those that are interested, but have yet to have the opportunity to explore. Yes, sometimes this can blow up in your face, but if you prepare for the worst and are open and honest, you'll be amazed at how often you're surprised.
I'm lucky to have a family as close as I do and one so accepting, I know for a lot of individuals coming out is a huge deal, as most parents are not accepting of the lifestyle that we have chosen to live. While I may be in a unique family situation, I think the way to approach it is the same for everyone. Be confident, be honest, and have faith that your family loves you for you, no matter what life you chose to lead. Your family is your family and they love you unconditionally; I've come to understand that if they understand your reasons for living the life you've chosen to live that they will accept it. The stumbling block is giving them the time to understand those reasons. The other night I was talking to one of my sister's best friends (and yes, vanilla) and told her about Blip and how our dynamic works, what I get out of it and what she gets out of it. To which she replied, "interesting, you see things in movies and such and it always seems degrading, but when you put it that way it's not at all." And this was all over a 10-minute conversation; I was able to express to her how it works and why it works. It also helps that she knows the type of person I am and knows I would never abuse the relationship I'm in, which can be a concern if the D in the D/S relationship is unethical, but that's a discussion for another time.
So with that knowledge in hand, last night I came out to my dad as both poly and kinky....the reaction was, well, what I expected from my dad; complete and utter acceptance. He asked a few questions and thanked me for sharing it with him but that was about it. My decision to come out to him stemmed from him coming out of his shell after 64 years of life, brought on by his recent Caribbean cruise that he went on with a lady that he met 23 years ago when both of them were married, an amazing story to say the least. And I figured that now was as good a time as any, especially as I'm finding my footing more and more in this 'brave new world' as my Dad called it. As a good parent, his only concern was my safety from STIs, which anyone that lives the same life that I do knows are a huge part of being both poly and kinky and is a conversation that happens very near the beginning of any sexual relationship in this lifestyle. I know for me it's something that comes up within the first couple of dates, once I decide a person may be worth seeing more of; it's also an easy way to filter out people that aren't interested in the way we live. Where I live, the number of poly/kinky friends I have are few in number, so it's especially important when meeting vanilla people, as it separates those that are truly vanilla from those that are interested, but have yet to have the opportunity to explore. Yes, sometimes this can blow up in your face, but if you prepare for the worst and are open and honest, you'll be amazed at how often you're surprised.
I'm lucky to have a family as close as I do and one so accepting, I know for a lot of individuals coming out is a huge deal, as most parents are not accepting of the lifestyle that we have chosen to live. While I may be in a unique family situation, I think the way to approach it is the same for everyone. Be confident, be honest, and have faith that your family loves you for you, no matter what life you chose to lead. Your family is your family and they love you unconditionally; I've come to understand that if they understand your reasons for living the life you've chosen to live that they will accept it. The stumbling block is giving them the time to understand those reasons. The other night I was talking to one of my sister's best friends (and yes, vanilla) and told her about Blip and how our dynamic works, what I get out of it and what she gets out of it. To which she replied, "interesting, you see things in movies and such and it always seems degrading, but when you put it that way it's not at all." And this was all over a 10-minute conversation; I was able to express to her how it works and why it works. It also helps that she knows the type of person I am and knows I would never abuse the relationship I'm in, which can be a concern if the D in the D/S relationship is unethical, but that's a discussion for another time.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Mr S
A picture of me is now the desktop for a pretty gay boy who works at Mr S Leather; or at least that's what he said he wanted my picture for. After he spent a good 45 minutes fondling my bits while fitting me for a cock and ball ring and attaching behind the back cuffs to my balls, he asked if he could take a picture of me from the chest up for his desktop. While at some point in my life I'm sure I'll have a sexual encounter with a man because I think any experience is worth trying, I consider myself 100% straight (if I were bi, I'm pretty sure our new friend would've followed us back to our hotel room). But since I made both his and A's day, it was worth it (she has a really big thing for pretty gay boys). A was so excited that when my hands were bound behind my back, she dropped to her knees and started giving me head in the dressing room, only to be interrupted by the employee and the owner of Mr S who came to see, "the pretty straight boy bound by his balls." Apparently that is a rarity at Mr S.
All told we spent about 5 hours at Mr S over the course of 2 days, I spent way too much money, but am bringing home some lovely new toys that I'm sure will leave some fantastic bruises on Blip....I'm only mildly sadistic. We also got to play dress-up with A, who spent the better part of 2 hours in Mrs S Leather getting decked out in leather and latex and did she ever look amazing. So much so that when we showed the pictures of her to our new friend, he showed the owner who said there may be an opportunity for her to come back and do some modelling for the Madame S website....I may have also been asked to have more pictures taken of me, which may or may not have been for their website.....
We also had some great food, did some sightseeing, and took in the SF Pride Parade (see pics below). The only stumbling point of the weekend was a flat tire as we tried to leave SF, maybe something was trying to tell us to stay longer, who knows?
All told we spent about 5 hours at Mr S over the course of 2 days, I spent way too much money, but am bringing home some lovely new toys that I'm sure will leave some fantastic bruises on Blip....I'm only mildly sadistic. We also got to play dress-up with A, who spent the better part of 2 hours in Mrs S Leather getting decked out in leather and latex and did she ever look amazing. So much so that when we showed the pictures of her to our new friend, he showed the owner who said there may be an opportunity for her to come back and do some modelling for the Madame S website....I may have also been asked to have more pictures taken of me, which may or may not have been for their website.....
We also had some great food, did some sightseeing, and took in the SF Pride Parade (see pics below). The only stumbling point of the weekend was a flat tire as we tried to leave SF, maybe something was trying to tell us to stay longer, who knows?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Road Trip!!
I'm about to embark on another adventure. This one will take me south into the US; beginning tomorrow with a 3-hour private rope lesson with Max. I'm also going to be making a stop in San Francisco to do some kink related shopping and possibly take in the sights or their Pride parade this weekend. I'm not sure where else my trip will take me, but that's half the fun. I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to write for the next couple of weeks but I'll do my best.
On another note I spent almost 2 whole days with Blip this past weekend as her dominant, it was a very rewarding experience for both of us; but I realized how tiring it is to be dominant for an extended period of time....I was completely drained come Monday. It gives me a whole new respect for individuals in D/S relationships that are 24/7. I'm really enjoying exploring this avenue of my life and look forward to what it can bring me and how I can help Blip grow.
On another note I spent almost 2 whole days with Blip this past weekend as her dominant, it was a very rewarding experience for both of us; but I realized how tiring it is to be dominant for an extended period of time....I was completely drained come Monday. It gives me a whole new respect for individuals in D/S relationships that are 24/7. I'm really enjoying exploring this avenue of my life and look forward to what it can bring me and how I can help Blip grow.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Another Membership
After attending their fire play class and Dungeon Party last night, today I became a member of the Libido Lounge. From an educational and sex positive perspective I think the Lounge is doing it right. Jennifer, the owner of Lounge, is a great educator and knows what she is talking about and I think that many of the classes that she offers will be valuable. However, I'm not sure how many of the Lounge's play parties I will attend, while I'm all for being sex positive, the Lounge offers masturbation parties, sensual massage and speed dating nights, and things of that ilk, which aren't really the sort of things that I'm looking for, however occasionally they host bondage and dungeon nights as well as classes that will be beneficial such as play party etiquette.
I really respected the fact that at the dungeon party they did not serve alcohol; which was one of the things that irked me about the Rascal's party I went to about a month ago, to me it's a safety thing. I did feel that there was a lack of suspension space, however I heard a rumour that a local carpenter is planning on putting up 3 suspension rings within the next month, which given the warehouse height ceilings in the Lounge should be a lot of fun.
I really respected the fact that at the dungeon party they did not serve alcohol; which was one of the things that irked me about the Rascal's party I went to about a month ago, to me it's a safety thing. I did feel that there was a lack of suspension space, however I heard a rumour that a local carpenter is planning on putting up 3 suspension rings within the next month, which given the warehouse height ceilings in the Lounge should be a lot of fun.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Education
As I come to understand the Vancouver kink scene more and more, I notice things I think can be improved. As a result I'm beginning to inject myself into the community on a more regular basis; now I'm by no means an expert, far from it, but when I see the way things are run in Seattle compared to the ways things operate in Vancouver; there is a marked discrepancy.
For example, safe words. I've been talking to Blip (who I'm continuing to develop as a sub) and she said that at play parties they use the safe word "Red" to end a scene. In effect the top will continue to ramp up the intensity until the bottom says Red, at which point the top will end the scene and express their pleasure that the bottom was able to use the safe word and tell them when the scene should end. The way I've always understood safe words is to use them when the intensity becomes too much or something is feeling off, at which point the top changes the way they are doing things and the scene continues until they decide to end it. In my opinion, 1) a good top should be able to understand their bottom, 2) not allow the scene to get to the point of the bottom having to use their safe word and 3) the top should end the scene when they feel that their bottom has had enough. There also seems to be a debate about who controls a scene and it is the opinion of most that the bottom controls the scene, which given the use of safe words here makes sense.
There is also a fracture of groups in Vancouver. Metro Vancouver Kink, Rascal's, Libido Lounge and SinCity; each of which have their own play party night (typically one per month) and each operate differently. Libido Lounge seems to be the most organized and educational, however I will reserve my opinion until after this weekend as I'm attending a fire play class tonight and their member orientation tomorrow. I'm not attending their play party this evening as they have a dress code rule, which I'm pretty opposed to. If I'm going to dress up in fetish wear, I'm going to do it because I feel like it and not because it's dictated by event organizers. As you might guess, I don't see myself ever attending a SinCity party because...well...it's a fetish event.
So how am I going to inject myself and help the Vancouver community? Well I can assure you it's not going to be something that happens quickly, given my education level. While first, I'm going to try and spend more time in Seattle (thank-you Nexus pass) as the CSPC has some great classes and I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing people there I think I will be able to learn from. Secondly, at the suggestion of Max I have a plan to attend some kink conferences throughout the US over the next year or so. I'd love to be starting with Thunder in the Mountains in July, however I have a end of the year softball tournament that I've already committed to. So unless I decide to go camping for Paradise Unbound, my first conference will probably be Folsom Street Fringe in September; which I hope to volunteer for and attend. It will also allow me to go to the Folsom Street Fair, which should be a very cool experience.
So my eduction will be ongoing, but it's something that I seem to enjoy and that aligns with what makes me happy, giving myself to others and making a difference in their lives. I've really begun this with Blip and through getting to know her I know that I can help her grow and flourish as an individual and while it's a learning experience for me, I have some fantastic resources available to me, I just have to use and cultivate them.
For example, safe words. I've been talking to Blip (who I'm continuing to develop as a sub) and she said that at play parties they use the safe word "Red" to end a scene. In effect the top will continue to ramp up the intensity until the bottom says Red, at which point the top will end the scene and express their pleasure that the bottom was able to use the safe word and tell them when the scene should end. The way I've always understood safe words is to use them when the intensity becomes too much or something is feeling off, at which point the top changes the way they are doing things and the scene continues until they decide to end it. In my opinion, 1) a good top should be able to understand their bottom, 2) not allow the scene to get to the point of the bottom having to use their safe word and 3) the top should end the scene when they feel that their bottom has had enough. There also seems to be a debate about who controls a scene and it is the opinion of most that the bottom controls the scene, which given the use of safe words here makes sense.
There is also a fracture of groups in Vancouver. Metro Vancouver Kink, Rascal's, Libido Lounge and SinCity; each of which have their own play party night (typically one per month) and each operate differently. Libido Lounge seems to be the most organized and educational, however I will reserve my opinion until after this weekend as I'm attending a fire play class tonight and their member orientation tomorrow. I'm not attending their play party this evening as they have a dress code rule, which I'm pretty opposed to. If I'm going to dress up in fetish wear, I'm going to do it because I feel like it and not because it's dictated by event organizers. As you might guess, I don't see myself ever attending a SinCity party because...well...it's a fetish event.
So how am I going to inject myself and help the Vancouver community? Well I can assure you it's not going to be something that happens quickly, given my education level. While first, I'm going to try and spend more time in Seattle (thank-you Nexus pass) as the CSPC has some great classes and I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing people there I think I will be able to learn from. Secondly, at the suggestion of Max I have a plan to attend some kink conferences throughout the US over the next year or so. I'd love to be starting with Thunder in the Mountains in July, however I have a end of the year softball tournament that I've already committed to. So unless I decide to go camping for Paradise Unbound, my first conference will probably be Folsom Street Fringe in September; which I hope to volunteer for and attend. It will also allow me to go to the Folsom Street Fair, which should be a very cool experience.
So my eduction will be ongoing, but it's something that I seem to enjoy and that aligns with what makes me happy, giving myself to others and making a difference in their lives. I've really begun this with Blip and through getting to know her I know that I can help her grow and flourish as an individual and while it's a learning experience for me, I have some fantastic resources available to me, I just have to use and cultivate them.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Newest CSPC Member....Me!!!
Today I joined the CSPC, so that I can attend events without having to be taken as a guest.....and for my first event I attended the Grind, a weekly Thursday evening event where all 3 rooms were in use. I got to see some beautiful dancing in the main play space; in the Raw space I saw the best flogging scene I've ever seen between 2 rock star tops Nathan and Russell, who are taking turns this week bottoming to each other with Russell going on Thursday and Nathan getting his retribution on Saturday, Nathan left with 5 bandaids and some lovely bruising; and in the Annex I saw A do her first public suspension and Mark Dv8 suspend Lani aka Fly Girl, who turned, spun, and flipped and was both gorgeous and unbelievable in her performance....strangely enough I thought that I good do some of the movements she did given my flexibility.
Seeing these people perform and scene makes me crave that in Vancouver...I feel like I want to learn and bring what I see in Seattle home. I need to practice my ties and flogging. If I get the right flogging equipment I can practice by myself, but I still need to find someone to practice rope with and i think I'm going to train Blip, a very subby girl I met at Rascals, how to be tied up...I know I can get her into a foggy headspace really quickly and maybe I can translate that into making her a rope slut, I know she likes suspension....so we'll see about the rest, hopefully it's only a matter of time. I'd love to get experienced enough to teach in Vancouver and show people what is available to them, because there is such a disparity between the Seattle and Vancouver Scenes.....
Seeing these people perform and scene makes me crave that in Vancouver...I feel like I want to learn and bring what I see in Seattle home. I need to practice my ties and flogging. If I get the right flogging equipment I can practice by myself, but I still need to find someone to practice rope with and i think I'm going to train Blip, a very subby girl I met at Rascals, how to be tied up...I know I can get her into a foggy headspace really quickly and maybe I can translate that into making her a rope slut, I know she likes suspension....so we'll see about the rest, hopefully it's only a matter of time. I'd love to get experienced enough to teach in Vancouver and show people what is available to them, because there is such a disparity between the Seattle and Vancouver Scenes.....
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thoughts on marriage...
Last weekend I was at a friend's wedding and one of the 760 guests in attendance was the mother of a childhood friend. Now maybe I'm getting to that age or maybe it's because we were at a wedding or maybe both; but one of the first questions she asked me, "Are you engage? Are you married?" Her response to my answer of no was, "Oh...well that's ok, I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Which prompted a brief discussion on my beliefs on marriage, short because 1) she was an old family friend and 2) well we were at a wedding, so it wasn't exactly the proper venue.
While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.
One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.
The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.
While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.
One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.
The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.
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