Beliefs

I've been doing a lot of yoga recently, started in January not as a New Year's Resolution (I don't believe in them) just as something new to experience. And in 2 months it's almost completely replaced the gym as my daily workout. The only thing that I can't buy into is the spiritual aspect of it. The belief that we are connected with each other and the earth through our energy, a mantra that gets touched on in some fashion by every yoga teacher I've had. I know I'll never buy into this believe, however, it did get me thinking about the history of my beliefs.

I've never had a lot of deep rooted beliefs, when I was growing up I didn't believe in religion, a higher power, love, marriage, children, charity, passion....or any other of the major beliefs that people seem to have. I chalk it up to growing up without a mom and with a father who, while was very caring, was also a workaholic; leaving me to effectively raise my sister (along with the help of various housekeepers). As I grew up I developed a belief of logic, morality (although this wavers from time to time) and love. Given recent events I've begun to question the few beliefs that I have and whether I can still believe in them. [Morality is always a gray area for me, what is moral to one person can easily be immoral to another....maybe it can't even be called a belief, a discussion for another time perhaps]

When I was growing up I never thought I'd find love, I always felt I'd end up alone (and in a way I wanted that). I think the feeling came from the fact my mom died when I was 7 and her mom died when she was 11; leaving me with the vision that men (namely my dad and grandfather) were meant to be alone. However, as my relationships developed I began to think that I could believe in love. The partner I had before J, was a sweet, loving, asian girl whom I loved but she was very much set on getting married, which I knew I could never buy into, swiftly ending our relationship. In J I found a love that was so special, so strong, so resilient that I was sure it would last forever; and in some ways I'm sure it will. But I think my belief in love is fading; the belief that love conquers all or love is all you need; to quote the Beattles. I'm falling back to where I was growing up, the feeling that I'm meant to be alone. That's not to say that I won't have relationships, won't connect with people, but I won't ever love the person I'm with; which logically will lead to me being alone. Now I'm not saying I don't have hope that my belief in love will return; it's that I don't want to let someone back into my heart like that.

And what about logic? Well as you can see I still believe in that...