Moving Day...

Today I spent 12 hours helping J move out of what was once our home....it'll always be our home, but now I'm living in it as a bachelor. While moving; things once forgotten are found bringing a rush of memories back to your consciousness. Tears were shed on both sides at least once every 45 minutes, sometimes lasting as long as the time in between. Me finding a bottle of olive oil we bought together in Nice a couple of years ago.......her lying in what was once our bed bought 2 months after we met......me separating cooking utensils that were purchased together over the years as J's love of cooking and baking grew and grew. During one of these emotional outbursts she says to me, "I know this isn't what either of us want, but I know it's what I need." I wanted to shout, "But what about what I need? What about what I want?" But she knows what I want and need and her decision has been made and I respect that.

The walk to her new apartment is only 15 minutes, but it seems like she's moved to another planet. I helped her set-up what was once our pull-out couch until she gets a proper one...hoping against hope that Z isn't going to spend the night with her tonight, but knowing how she has drawn strength from him during the past couple of weeks, I only see that continuing tonight and writing this now, brings tear to my eye.

I know why she left...she needs to experience life on her own; but that doesn't mean I will ever understand it. I will always want to give her the world and will never love another as I love her. But life moves on....I do not believe that our book is finished but we have entered a new chapter....and hopefully before our book is over; we will again find each other. But I also know that neither of us will wait for the other (as it should be) and the thought that I've lost her forever weighs on my deeply. But if we do ever find each other again, I know that we will be stronger than ever.

J will never know how much I love her because words cannot express how I feel. I will always be there for her and her family. J, I love you....

[I apologize for the recent string of melodramatic entries, but my life has thrown me a curve these last couple of week. I will say this however; the Olympics recently passed through my town and just because my life was (and is) in turmoil doesn't mean I didn't get a chance to partake in the festivities....stay tuned]