Last night J and I were supposed to get together and catch up. She was going to make tuna casserole and we were going to catch up on some of the TV shows we enjoy. I got home from work, expecting her to be there as she said she would the day before, and instead of the smells of cooking there was more emptiness than when I left that morning. Walking into the kitchen I noticed J's cacti were gone....into the bedroom the rest of her books and clothes were gone. The fact that she didn't say she was going to move the rest of her stuff and did made me think something was up. Calling her to ask if we were still hanging out; her hurried reaction was that she'd be back soon to talk, confirming my thoughts that something was indeed up.
About half an hour later she arrived and we sat down on our couch and she said, "I don't think we can be friends right now." Or something to that effect, my memory of what she said and the conversation that followed is a blur due to the emotions flowing through me. Physically I shook. Mentally I crashed. I do remember she said she thought I was waiting for her to come back to me, telling me that she made a mistake. I've had friends tell me that this will happen, but I know it won't. I know she's made up her mind and she's almost as stubborn as I am, so she won't go back on something this big; she'd never say she made a mistake. At least not to me.
I've completely regressed. Emotionally I'm back to where I was 4 weeks ago, when we first broke up and I lost my partner; now I've lost my best friend......the person I want to tell everything, who's advice I trust and who gets me. I'm not sure which one is worse. Her timing is ironic as in the past week I've begun to feel better emotionally. My friends tell me that she knew what she was doing and waited for just the right time to hurt me more....a normal girl may do so, but J is far from normal and knowing her as I do I know she would never do that. What's curious though is what changed between Thursday and Friday. She said she'd been thinking but on Thursday she was asking if she could come over earlier and begin cooking for us and on Friday we can't be friends? That's the thing that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I don't have a right to this information, but I wonder what it is that she's not telling me. I know something must have happened to get her to that point, it'll be a mystery in my life I'm sure.
The state of our future friendship has been left up to her. I told her that when she wants to talk or see me to get in touch with me. I'll leave her alone. Hopefully, if she wants to be friends again I'll be in a place where I'll want to be friends with her too. My fear is that I won't. I'm leaving our contact up to her and knowing how bad she is at keeping in touch with some of her friends, I have this sinking feeling that we'll never be friends again.
On the bright side of yesterday's events, I know that there's not much else that can happen to bring me down any further.
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