Profound Reflection

Last night I was fortunate enough to be invited to the viewing of J's Italia movie, the culmination of her grouppo's work over the past year. Very emotional experience for her and all of her grouppo as the trip has changed (and continues to change) their lives. All I can say is that it's an unbelievable and incredibly passionate video.

I, of course, was not part of their experience, but I did have my own that is very much tied to theirs. So as I watched their movie my heart swelled, raced and crashed in time with the music and images. Caught up in the emotion, seeing what they saw and experienced; remembering the conversations I had with J while she was there...the things they did....saw....experienced....lived.

The beauty of Borromini and Bernini
Pounding rain in Florence
The field in Dolciano and its night lights
Fireworks
The pace of Milano
The spinning...oh the spinning

Remembering my conversations with J, the emotion I felt during them and the memories of where I was when certain pictures and videos were taken. Seeing her at Mom's Cafe, remembering the converstation that took place just before she got there and what I know I was doing at that exact point in time....how much I know we both hurt; the unforgettable emotion of that day. Pictures capturing their moments; engraving memories on my soul.

Having heard the stories, seen the pictures, the videos and listened to the score; watching the film I almost felt like I had been there with them.....I've been along for the ride emotionally, that's for sure. It feels so strange to have a trip that I didn't take have such an impact on my life. Until last night I never realized just how much of an effect J's trip has had on my life; it's brought about changes in our relationship and in me, personally that I never would have expected....never thought possible.

Yet I'm detached from their trip; not having actually gone on it. My emotions contained, for the most part, as my pre-Italia support network no longer applies. The level of understanding just isn't there; they don't see how J's changed nor how I have; and attempting to explain it brings up feelings of resentment towards those that don't (can't) understand.

Now I'm one of the least religious people you will ever come across, but I feel almost reborn as if the world has opened up to me and the possibilities are now endless, fostering a feeling that is both exciting and terrifying (strangely enough not unlike the emotions of bdsm, which is interesting given J and my explorations since the conclusion of her Italia trip).

And then there's this intense need to feel and this craving is willing its way to the surface, clawing to be released; as my job, my life have historically not satisfied this need. Now the anticipation of the future ellicits powerful feelings and an excitement of what's next, with a lingering question of how to share such a feeling?


(Not all of my posts will delve into such emotion; it's something that's fresh in my mind and needed to be shared; thank-you for listening).