Last night I was out for drinks with a friend I hadn't seen since high school; so naturally we had a lot to catch up on....work, life, relationships....last year she got out of a 12-year relationship and since she said she has started to question monogamy but never thought that she could do it because she'd get too jealous. So as I shared the whys, whens and hows of my non-monogomous life I realized that I feel there really is a right and a wrong way to get into it.
Wrongs:
jump headfirst into it without evaluating how it's going to affect your existing relationship, doing it to fix something in your relationship, or as I read today in the Philosophy of Non-Monogamy getting pushed into it by one partner.
One right way:
While I'm no expert I definitely think J and I went about it logically. Our trip down the road of non-monogamy started at the annual Taboo sex show just over 2 years ago. We'd always attended these together and this year came across a book, the Threesome Handbook, which J bought for us. Reading it began the discussion of sleeping with others, first looking for a threesome partner, then a couple, and finally being open. We were aware of open relationships before but had never really discussed anything along those lines. A couple of months later, while I was in Vegas, I had an extended conversation with a stripper that felt like a connection; now it was with a stripper so it wasn't a true connection but it reminded me about what it was like to meet someone new and have that spark, or new relationship energy as its called by some; which brought further conversation between J and I.
You have to understand that at this point in our relationship we were having some issues, but we still felt like we were going to be together forever (or at least I did) and my Vegas experience made me wonder if we were missing out on something. We started dating when J was 19 and I was 24 and while we had had some life experiences prior to getting together we were really still new to many things and if we were going to be together forever, were we going to miss out on things? Of course!! So we decided to see if we could figure out a way to enjoy certain aspects of life and sexuality while maintaining what we had. So we began reading and researching.......a lot. A couple of books that really helped shape our beliefs were Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationship and The Ethical Slut. Blogs also helped, namely Mistress Matisse and Twisted Monk, which eventually enhanced our interest and experimentation in BDSM. We also started searching for play partners on AdultFriendFinder.
Over the next 6 months we developed an understanding and comfort level with non-monogamy. One day in particular sticks out....we were on a ferry on our way to J's mom's wedding and were sitting on the top deck with Opening Up reading through a checklist they had about what we were and weren't comfortable with (reminds me where we were for her mom's wedding and makes me sad, as they were building a cabin that was only recently finished; J and I had discussed going up there; something I just realized I will never be able to do). This helped form our initial guidelines for playing with others and eventually led to going on a couple of couple dates and playing with one couple. Unfortunately, after that life got in the way and we spent the next 8 months not really being active in any sort of activities outside of our own relationship. Not that we didn't want to, we just had too much on our plate at the time. I sometimes wonder where we'd be if we had continued to pursue it and make time for it then....would we be where we are now?
I think our step-by-step process really helped us develop a comfort level with non-monogamy; although I think we moved too slowly and never let any momentum we built up continue. I think our research and discussion really helped us become comfortable with it but our lack of experimentation stifled our progress as a couple. It took one of us taking that leap of faith to bring us to the next level.....which will be Part 2. I'm not sure yet how to discuss Part 2 as it was very emotional for me....I'm not saying I would do things differently if I had the chance to do them again, but I would've handled it differently. Nevertheless I need more time to organize my thoughts on this, once I do I'll finish our story.
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