Jealousy, Monogamy, and Power

It's been a long time since I've made a post, I do have things I want to write about; I've been working on something to do with ethics and the role they play in poly and bdsm relationships, but have not had the time to get it down yet, I hope that I will do so soon. In the meantime I would like to share an essay on jealousy, monogamy, and power by Pepper. I came across this a few months ago but have only recently had the chance to read it. I do understand that it is quite long and appears to be technical, however it is a fantastic read that discusses how jealousy relates to monogamy and how it can negatively impact both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I hope you enjoy it, I did.

Needles and Staples

Saturday night I had my first introduction to sharp, pointy implements, namely needles and staples, neither of which I had ever seen firsthand. A number of my Emerald City friends very much enjoy poking people with sharp objects, typically eliciting an endorphin rush for both parties. I thought I knew what to expect from the numerous FetLife pictures I'd seen, but as I watched Lorelai weave needles in and out of people's skin, I questioned how I may react to the sensation.

As I've said before, I typically only bottom to feel the sensation, as I don't receive a buzz or a high from play and this I feel ethically responsible to do before I'm willing to play with someone the same fashion, but as I watched needles of varying gauges being woven into skin and out of skin I wondered if the sensation would be all I would receive this time. Needles seemed to garner a slightly more intense reaction than other types of play I'd experimented with and while my stomach wasn't doing flip flops; I was curious as to how I'd react. I figured a little self discovery would be a good way to start....so grabbing the stapler I punched a staple into my left forearm. A slight prick to be sure, but nothing more intense than a tattoo needle with a little bit of blood. When Lorelai was finished with her willing demo bottom, I told her to poke away.

As she readied my arm with alcohol, donned a fresh pair of latex gloves and massaged the soon to be pricked location, she checked in and instructed me to take a deep breath in and out and repeat. I didn't watch, but I could feel the needle getting closer to my arm with each exhale. As I relaxed she pounced....a slight prick was all I felt, the sensation was interesting and it took longer to feel the exiting prick than I would've expected, but once it was done, it was done. Nothing ground breaking, no endorphin rush, no blissed out feeling. Just a sensation that came and went. She ended up making a 3 needle button on my upper left arm, while Buffy stapled my right arm 6 or 7 times. You can feel the needles in your arm, as a button consists of needles deeper in the tissue underneath the previous needle in a circular pattern, but it was more pressure than anything and by no means painful. At one point Matisse, feigned applying pressure to the raised skin in the middle of the button, to which I said, "Be my guest." And she did. I later asked her how much pressure she applied and apparently she leaned into it pretty good, but again nothing. The blank expression on my face as she released the pressure, I think almost confused her as she walked away fanning her face....sadists enjoy pain resistant bottoms and that is apparently I.

To see if I could evoke a different sensation I spent some time slapping both the staples and the button, but all I could muster was some blood. After about half an hour or so, Lorelai removed the needles and Buffy the staples (I love that the body staple remover is very similar to a paper-based staple remover, gave me a good chuckle). As she was removing the needles, Lorelai asked if she could twist it during removal; consent was granted.....Now imagine if you will a needle threading through the skin of your arm and instead of being pulled straight out, said needle was bent upwards, twisted and dug into your tissue over the 15 seconds or so. Is that picture in your head? Good, that's what happened as my final needle was removed to the point where it had an acute angle at its mid-point. But again only a slight prick and blood.

Now I'm not trying to boast or make claims that I'm a heavy bottom, I just found it curious that all I encountered was a slight sensation when the prick actually occurred, which was very contrary to the woman to my left who when stuck with a single needle stared into Buffy's eyes and cooed in a soft tone, "Your eyes are shiny." Now that's a blissed out reaction to needle play.

Of course needle play wasn't the only thing that occurred during the post-HUMP party, there was of course bondage, flogging, single tails, and a lot of public sex, very different from your typical kink party and came primarily from the Burner population there. How long did it go on for one might ask....let's just say I'm glad that Saturday was the night we turned the clocks back this year.

Sir C Workshop

Just finished attending 2 workshops by Sir C, who is in Seattle from New York doing weekend workshops at the CSPC. If you're in Seattle tomorrow there's one more tomorrow called Basic Hojojutsu, he's a fantastic teacher and you should do your best to attend, and the best thing is, you don't have to be a CSPC member to attend. The second workshop was Sir C "Upping the Ante" and spent 2 hours demoing how to be mean, giving me many fantastic ideas, many of which had their "ante upped" due to all the kinky locals in attendance, they are a devious bunch, which is why I love making trips down here on a regular basis. One of the more interesting things I learned was that squirting water into someone's ear induces vomiting, something that wasn't demoed today, for obvious reasons, but would be very interesting to try at some point in the future. It's a medical technique to test brain dead to see if someone's alive or not. I also found out some very interesting ways to use pop rocks in conjunction with saran wrap and given that I know someone that loves to be saran wrapped, I'm excited to test it out in the near future. I came away with a lot more sadistic ideas (you can never have enough!) that I hope to employ soon and share with the blogging world, but I must run off to a Hump play party with some very kinky people here in town. I'm looking very forward to it as it'll be my first official Seattle private play party and I've convinced someone (it wasn't hard) to show me needle play, not on me necessarily but I've never seen it live (I have no idea why) and am looking forward to it.

Alexa Di Carlo Links

As a follow-up to what I said in my last post, here are some links to discussions, blogs and such surrounding the Alexa DiCarlo situation in case you're interested in reading about how a man (allegedly) ended up tricking people due to the anonymity allowed by technology. Regardless of whether or not these allegations are true, the 'real' Alexa Di Carlo was able to hide she/her/it real identity because she would never reveal herself in public.
Sexademic - Why the Alexa Di Carlo thing matters
Carlie Glickman - The Downfall of Alexa Di Carlo
Expose a Bro

Technology, Privacy, and Polyamory

At a talk by Christopher Ryan, author of Sex At Dawn, at the CSPC last night a question was asked regarding whether or not technology (Facebook was used as the example) could lead to a return to less private lives that we once led as hunter gatherers. If you haven't read the book.....quick, drop everything run to the store and buy it.....kidding, sort of....one of the ideas centers around how hunter gatherers operated in groups to survive. Each of these 100 or so member groups shared everything and for the most part interacted very minimally with individuals outside of their group and when I say they shared everything, I mean everything ....from child rearing, hunting, cooking, gathering, partners, etc. As a result, the amount of privacy each individual had was minimal at best and with everyone knowing everyone there were really no issues with people sleeping with other members of the group. Of course the book delves into much more detail than I am here, but a little background is necessary to understand the question at hand.

Ryan said that he hadn't considered the impact of technology on privacy and how that might relate to non-monogamy becoming more accepted or as a return to our evolutionary roots but he did mention anonymity, which got me thinking. While it's true technology can reduce the amount of privacy we have, it can also increase the level of anonymity as the individual behind the online persona has discretion as to the information released. I would think that this potential would serve to increase the level of privacy. Think about it.....if you believe someone is lying about who they are, would that not reduce the amount of information you would allow them to see? For most people I would think that it would. Without getting side tracked too much, think about how the Alexa DiCarlo's fake online persona is going to affect people looking for online sex advice (if you're not familiar with HIM, she/him/it was the author of the Real Princess Diaries; now suspended. Here's Mistress Matisse's take in her Control Tower column from January, another one from Carnal Nation and a third from the Sexademic). Now think about yourself...given the above information about an apparent sex worker who provided advice purporting to be an expert, would it change how private you were with the information? Probably.

Technology does serve to bring people with similar interests together, however the potential for anonymity will increase privacy. If you're able to meet someone in person that you've met online a bond can be established and a reduction in privacy can take hold. I think that technology's ability to bring people together can facilitate a reduction in privacy and could potentially lead to a return to a world were we know everything about everyone to an extent, but it cannot do it by itself. People are still people and that physical social interaction is a necessity for us to grow and thrive in this world....according to Sex at Dawn, why else would our brains be so large?

Solo Poly

Solo poly was one of the better classes that I attended at Folsom Street Fringe; it was taught by Allena Gabosch, the director of the Centre for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle and also someone I'm privileged to call my friend. Allena discussed her version of poly; solo poly. She defined it as poly in which you have no primary partner, don't live with any of your partners and are not looking for a primary partner aka the proverbial "ONE" that so many people spend their lives searching for. Each of her partners fits a specific need in her life and she in theirs.

While I entered the world of non-monogamy with a primary partner, the primary-secondary distinction no longer applies to me and I feel Allena's solo poly is much more applicable. My version of poly is very fluid; I'm open to changes in how I view it and how I approach relationships, currently I'm not looking for a primary partner or a single individual to spend the rest of my life with. Some may view that as a lonely life prospect, but I've never felt that my life will be defined by me getting married and having children; I'm not saying that I never will do those things I just don't feel they are necessary for me to live a fulfilling life.

Recently I've had discussions with people about individuals 'deciding' that they want to get married and have children. It seems that many people make this decision solo, find the first suitable candidate; marry and have kids with them....not because they are the 'one' or the right fit for them, but because they made a decision that's what they wanted to do at that point in their life; and we wonder why so many couples get divorced! I'd much rather meet someone and make a decision that 'this person is important to me and I want to be with them for the rest of my life and have children with them because of how special they are.' Don't fool yourself, this isn't how most marriages begin, no matter how much you want to believe it. I know that this can happen, as it happened with J and I, she was someone that I would've married and had children with (which I didn't want when the relationship began) if it was something we both decided we wanted, however it wasn't while we were together.

My relationship status is thus solo poly: I'm not looking for a primary partner, but am open to the idea; I'm not looking for someone to live with, but wouldn't say no if someone asked; I'm not looking to get married or have kids, but if the person was special enough who knows.....confusing I know, but life should be fluid and open to change; right now I'm just looking for partners to satisfy specific needs in my life and having a lot of fun doing so!

Strip Wii Bowling

For the past 6 weeks I've been dating a new girl, M. Until we met, she was a relative vanilla, but as she puts it, "I always knew there was something else." Needless to say there's been a lot of fun experimentation recently and she's one of the reasons that I've failed to keep up with my goal of posting 3 times a week (gotta love NRE). More on M at a later date.

The other night we were out for a drink at our favourite local watering hole and she made mention that she has been craving video game and was as self-proclaimed Wii bowling shark, which upon arriving at my place I decided to put to the test. On comes the Wii and out comes Wii bowling, after a 1 point win by yours truly in the first match, the ante was upped, "How about for each game, the loser takes off a piece of clothing?" Well of course my answer was a profound YES! Confident as I was, I knew I was undressed for the occasion, women and their layers! The first 2 games were won easily by me and off came the cardigan and her bra, I was eyeing that pesky t-shirt next. Instead out came M's inner shark aided by her ability to never let my wine glass get less than a quarter full. She won the next game and off came a sock......I now know that in a game of strip anything, rules must be established beforehand as M's belief was socks count as one item, so after some prompting my her off came the other one. The next game was hers, as well and off came my shirt, leaving me with only my jeans; serves me right for forgetting boxers that day. Not that I had a problem with losing, because losing would eventually lead to a win for both of us; it was the bragging rights I was after. With the wine kicking our libido into overdrive the next game was played with M facing away from the TV straddling me, which quickly ended our strip Wii bowling experiment....luckily for me as she still had 3 items of clothing adorning her body.

We figured the game had gone on too long; to speed it up next time I think for each 20 points you lose by you will have to remove an extra piece of clothing. Toss in another player or two and the game could really be spiced up; give it try I'm sure you'll agree!

Folsom Fringe

A kinky conference is like any other conference, you learn and network. Of course, networking takes on a different meaning in this context. I've always thought of a conference as something that allows you to advance your business connections and in the same vein a kink conference allows you to find new play partners, mentors, and friends....sounds very similar, doesn't it? I guess the networking isn't too different after all. Needless to say I met some amazing people and while I didn't play at the party on the Friday night, I did learn a lot and had some incredibly interesting conversations about kink and polyamory.

I found that the people that attended the conference were very much like me, they weren't just interested in the sensations derived from kink (well some were), but also how and why things are the way they are. It was refreshing to have intellectual conversations about poly and kink and how they related to each other in everyday lives, something that I always feel is lacking in my local scene. It's one of the reasons that I travel to Seattle on a regular basis, because the conversations that I can have there far exceed what I can have at home. While there are a couple of people in Vancouver that are interested in having these discussions the ability to have these discussions with people around the same age as me was fantastic. Especially since these are the people that I will be growing with in the world of kink. I may see them this year or in 5 years, but keeping in touch with them from time to time only serves to increase you network and talking only serves to drive my desire to learn and grow as the kinky person I am.

Sex at Dawn

I recently read Sex at Dawn, a book that studies the origins of human sexuality. Everyone that I’ve spoken with that’s read it has found it an amazing read and I’m no different. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend buying it as soon as you get the chance.

It contrasts the conventional relationship with human origins, discussing that we are not biologically monogamous, delving into our primate genealogy and physical make-up as evidence. What I like most about the book is that it doesn’t say, “Man must be non-monogamous,” instead it gives evidence for you to make up your own mind and question conventional wisdom. Too often in life we follow the beliefs that our pastors, teachers, and most of all parents believe in; instead of using them as a basis for our own, we treat them as fact. If you have an open mind, Sex at Dawn will allow you to see things a different way, even if you don’t agree with their conclusions. I think it’s applications can go beyond sexual history as humankind needs to question convention and not always just accept the status quo because it’s the easiest option.

Busy Life

Apparently I have not been able to maintain my goal of writing an entry at least 3 times per week, which is very unlike me. Typically if I set a goal I stick to it, for that I apologize. My only excuse is a busy life, which does not satisfy me.

What have I been busy with? Well as I write this I’m on an airplane on my way to Folsom Street Fringe, which will eventually lead to Folsom Street Fair on Sunday. Labour day weekend I was in Seattle for Paradise Unbound, where I attended a number of workshops. The highlight of which was Graydancer’s Tie Em Up and Fuck Em workshop, which detailed a simple yet effective (it’s effectiveness has been confirmed) rope handcuff that takes mere seconds to unleash. The motto is….secure the wrists…..wrap the body….control the hips; with only a slight miracle required. I must applaud Graydancer as it is an original invention, thank-you.

Back home, I’ve continued to attend M/s discussions, attended a Protocal dinner, a Sir/Boy leather contest in Seattle judged by Monk and a 7-hour rope intensive taught by Boss Bondage. Oh and of course my non-kinky life has continued! So needless to say I’ve been busy. I do hope to be able to get back on track with blogging as it helps me put my thoughts and ideas into print. I’m sure I’ll have some reflections from both Folsom Street Fringe and Fair in the upcoming days.

Polyamory does not equal polygamy

In this morning's Globe and Mail there's an article about a polyamory advocate who's looking for clarification as to whether the Canadian criminal code (section 293) that bans polygamy also extends to polyamorous relationships, read it here. Now without exploding over the fact that this is completely ridiculous (consent vs. non-consent) I'd rather examine how this could possibly be enforceable.

With polygamy it seems clear cut, there's an issue of consent that's breached. A man has multiple wives that act in a similar fashion to a harem and is based on a patriarchal system, whereby the woman's rights aren't always respected. While this sort of relationship can be completely consensual, the ones we always hear about are the ones that aren't; where a man controls his wives (a la the recent polygamy case in Bountiful, BC).

Polyamory on the other hand is usually consensual and may not even involve marriage. To the untrained observer polyamory could be nothing more than an individual dating more than one person, in most cases nothing's down on paper; so I can't see how (or why) this would be illegal. In the case of a marriage that is polyamorous and the couple are off with different partners, there may be something to enforce, however if neither of them is wishing to press charges and both of them are consenting to the situation, why would it be illegal? An added difficulty with polyamory is the definition of it, there is a general openness to the relationship, however in my experience almost every polyamorous relationship has it's own structure and it's rare to find one relationship that is the same as another one, given differing rules or lack there of. Due to the small amount of relationships that are polyamorous (and happily so, for the most part, they are relationships after all) I would fail to see the purpose of making it illegal, but then again I'm not a conservative political figure.

It poses a very interesting question and one that cannot be easily answered. I'm curious, however, as to why this polyamory advocate would bring the question into the legal realm unless there was a hint that it may fall under the same umbrella. This article also brought to my attention that there is a Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, which I was not formerly aware of; also apparently there are 0.5% of people across Canada that participate in polyamory, that's a lot more than I would've expected. If you're interested I'm sure you can follow the discussion their website, I know I'll be looking for updates there; as polyamory is not typically mainstream news.

Twitter

As a follow-up to my post last week, I've discovered that Twitter seems to be a way for people to discover that I'm kinky. I keep my blog and twitter separate, using my name on my twitter feed and not here, however I do not discriminate what I talk about or who I communicate with via twitter as I've found it's a great way to keep in touch with some of my kinky friends. However, as individuals (particularly women) are want to do, they google you and low and behold at the top of my google search is my twitter feed. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I'm kinky with tweets like:

"A guy I work w/just rec'd a taser as a gift from a vanilla girl he just started dating....methinks she's not as vanilla as she seems."
"Nothing like some crop spanking post-Gaga; if only these people knew how to use them properly!!"
"RT @twistedmonk: "nothing says love quite like when you spit expensive bourbon on my freshly made single tail marks..."

And of course if they search through people I follow, they'll come across some very prominent names in the kink community, further unveiling my kink. Maybe this is a good way for me to start letting people know I'm poly as well...

Being Upfront - Part 1

Note: I wrote on a similar subject about a month ago, this post is a more defined idea as to when poly and kink should be disclosed based on a recent experience.

Being poly and kinky, one of my beliefs is that if you're going to date, date ethically. By that I mean if you're out with someone that you believe has different views than yourself (aka monogamous and non-kinky) you must be honest with them as to your beliefs. It's true that there is a fine line here, in response to a friend's question Mistress Matisse said in a blog post that you should disclose you are sex worker to a potential partner on a second date. When single I've always felt similar about when to disclose that I am poly. Disclosing this on a first date has the potential to distort any first impressions that your date may have of you; I've found that once you bring up non-monogamy the conversation inevitably gets focused on that losing any chance to find out whether there's any compatibility between the two of you.

Recently, I had a couple of dates with a young woman, the first one went very well.....drinks, dinner, movie.....typical first date. We really hit it off and had some great conversation. The second date ended up being 2 nights at a lake with a few of my friends, where we ended up drinking and talking long into the night; she was one of the easiest people I've talked to and I think she felt the same way as we both discussed things that aren't typically discussed on a 2nd date and that takes each of us a while to disclose to a partner. Part of these conversations revolved around me being poly and kinky, both had to be explained in detail to her and she no experience with either; however she didn't run for the hills but asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in my kinky side (we all know we have one). Another of my personal rules is not to engage in sex without disclosing this information and allowing it to sink in, so I remained ethically in our drunken and naked states (we went skinning dipping). About a week after being back in the city, I received a text from her saying, "she didn't think that she could see us going anywhere relationship wise because we were too different, she thinks." Would it have been nice to see where it could've gone? Of course, but neither of us had our feelings hurt because we were both honest about who we were and I have a feeling we'll continue to be friends.

Now if you're partnered, that's a different story; in my opinion it's a first date discussion. At least that's how I approached it when J and I were together; yes there is compatibility to be determined but from an ethical perspective you're coupled and your date should be made aware of your coupling; yes your dating pool will be significantly reduced and your dates may not last very long (I prefer coffee or drinks as a get to know you first date to have this discussion) but at least you can feel good about yourself and won't leave a trail of pissed of dates in your wake.

I'm still working on the timing of when to bring up just how kinky I am, when I figure it out, you'll have Part II.

Exploratorium

Last week I was asked to run a restrictive bondage booth at the Libido Lounge's Friday night Exploratorium event. The event allows individuals to sample a selection of kink activities for a 15-minute duration, just enough for them to feel whether it's something that they may be interested in learning more about. This marked my first foray into teaching/demonstrating rope; and was the first time that I brought Blip along as my assistant, a job that she will continue to learn. As newbies, the attendees ran the show and based on a brief discussion with them I devised a quick way to introduce them to rope; for the most part these were very simple breast harnesses, with a couple of variations. While it was an interesting experience it's not the way I typically like to tie, with direction. I had an idea of how I wanted to run my booth, but after a discussion with the owner of Libido Lounge, I realized that what I wanted to do was too advanced (and mean) for the newbies who would be attending; thus I had to turn down my sadistic dial.

My success of the night was being able to change 2 people's minds about rope. They had both previously had bad rope experiences, but through negotiations I was able to determine what didn't work in the past and tailor my approach accordingly; afterwards they both said it'd definitely be something that they'd be willing to try again....woohoo!!

Blip was a good assistant, although sometimes got a little bit too caught up in all the play that was going on around her. One of the things that I've been working on with her is her focus, it's coming but she still has a ways to go. A couple of hours into the event, as a reward I allowed her the sampling of her choice and she choose mummification in saran wrap by one person and flogged by another...luckily I had a gap in attendees near the end of her flogging and had the opportunity to finish the scene. I can't wait until I'm able to put some time into practicing flogging and be able to use my full force, but until then short arming it will have to suffice. Then the issue will be finding someone who can take my full force, especially seeing as I'm not one that enjoys too much warm up....luckily there are a lot of masochists out there....

Contracts

Every month (well I started last month but will continue to attend - so really only 2 months so far....but I digress) I'm attending a Master/slave discussion group. I'm not looking for, nor do I have a slave, however as a Dominant many of the concepts are transferable to the Dominant/submissive relationship so I will continue to attend. Last night's topic was contracts - a written agreement between the Master and slave outlining what is expected of each in their relationship; they also typically outline how long the slave with serve the Master.

Contracts are not something I believe in. It's a static document and a relationship should be fluid no matter how it's structured. Furthermore, a good Master/Dominant should be able to train their slave/submissive in such a way that there is no need for a contract as all actions have been learned and none are open to one partner's interpretation. I think that a Master could very easily fall prey to relying on the contract too much and fail to see a change in the slave. This could very easily lead to relationship problems as open communication is not facilitated. Yes, methods of communication can be written into a contract, however there's still the chance that it's not deemed to be as open or free as a result of the contract's language. If you're living with your slave/submissive a cohabitation agreement is probably a good idea, especially if the Master looks after the financial side of the relationship as you'd want to make sure your slave was looked after if something happened, but this is very much different than a M/s contract.

Something else that you have to understand about contracts is that they will not stand up in court, as one person cannot legally give away their rights to another. If they verbally say that they no longer want to be a part of the relationship then they no longer are, whatever is written into a M/s contract carries no weight in the court room. The only weight it would carry would be based on the commitment that each party has to each other and you don't need a contract to create that commitment.

I feel that if you are able to remain in regular contact with you slave/submissive and you are an individual who has the ability to understand and notice changes in behaviour then you will be able to ensure that the relationship stays on the path that you both want it to be. This brings us back to this concept of communication; which is not only key to this type of relationship but any relationship. I think I'm a good communicator (or at least have been told that I am), but even so I've made sure to let any partner know that if I'm not communicating properly make me aware of it, so that I can make adjustments as none of us are infallible. Contracts are too rigid and can often be open to interpretation; me I prefer the direct approach.

What it means to be poly

This past weekend I was lucky enough to be invited to Twisted Monk's 40th birthday bash and Abbey party and what a party it was. It had an 80's theme and the costumes ranged from George Michael to Devo to Adam Ant (Monk himself) to all variations of Madonna, with Mistress Matisse dressed 'Like a Virgin' - check out her Twitter feed for a picture; in my opinion the costume of the night, but I've always had a thing for Madonna. At one point as I was sipping a blissfully tasteful glass of Stagg, I looked around the room and saw....try and stay with me....Max single tailing one of his partner's L, as G, one of L's partners, watched. Next to G were Monk and Matisse, Max's partner, with arms intertwined enjoying the show, as Monk's wife was engaged in a conversation with a group of people nearby. On the other side of the room, were 2 of A's partners (all in all there were 4 of us in the room) having a conversation and as I stood there watching everyone thoroughly enjoying themselves all I could think was how great it was to be poly.

Everyone was smiling and having a fantastic time, no animosity, no drama; just a bunch of people that truly cared for one another enjoying themselves and the fact that their partners were having fun, no matter who that was with. That's the true essence of compersion, defined as a state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. This can be experienced as any form of erotic or emotional empathy, depending on the person experiencing the emotion (Wikipedia). Do I think I'm more evolved than people who can't grasp this feeling? No, of course not. I can remember a time when I would get jealous of J having a conversation with another guy. Yes it took a while for me to change and be able to appreciate that another person could add something to her life and in doing so increase her happiness. I also realized that J wanted to be with me and if she didn't then she wouldn't, which was key to me understanding that I no longer had to fear losing her in that way, which reduced and eventually eliminated my feelings of jealousy.

To me poly is the ability to have your own and your partner's happiness enhanced by other people. Can that happen non-romantically? Of course it can, but there is a certain intimacy that can only be found through a more romantic relationship with someone and I've found that this allows that happiness to grow even further. When I can see the joy that A has in the fact that she will soon be collared, how can I not be happy for her? Luckily her dominant doesn't want the collaring to affect her other relationships, but even if it did, the joy she projects would be worth it. I want people that I care about to be happy, with or without me in their lives.

Will I always be poly? I don't know, I can't predict who I'll meet or where their beliefs will fall, but I see being open as being open to all types of relationships. The one thing I do know, is that given what I've seen and experienced it would take a very special person to make me want to be 100% monogamous again.

Goals

After a long hiatus I'm back. I've had 3 out of town bachelor parties on 3 consecutive weekends and am off to a wonderfully kinky birthday party this weekend (and yes I'm uber-excited about it....shhh it's a secret!) and before all of that I was on my 2-week road trip through the Western US. So my time has been spent either at these engagements or working furiously when I've been in town; however as of next week (as both the summer and my insane schedule come to a close) I'm recommitting to writing here as very interesting things have been happening in my world, both kinky and vanilla, so my goal (and saying it here is as good as of a commitment as any I can think of) is to write at least 3 times a week; I know I have enough material for it, it's just finding the time to sit down and do it, hopefully this will provide the needed motivation.

And since I'm on the topic of goals and in the mindset that putting font to screen helps commit me to them. I'm also recommitting to jogging at least 4 times a week, which coupled with doing yoga 5 times a week, should provide enough activity to burn off some of these calories that have accumulated over a 5-day and 2 3-day drinking binges for friends' bachelor parties, oh what we do to our livers in order to send off our male friends with fond memories of single-hood. See you next week!!

When to break the news...

An article that Mistress Matisse wrote for her Strange column today about poly people dating monogamous people got me thinking about when is the right time to tell someone you're poly and/or kinky. Ethically, I feel that you should tell someone as soon as possible before either party gets too emotionally invested in the other, however in practice this ends up being more difficult than it appears.

One girl I told after a couple of weeks of seeing her exploded and said that her whole opinion of me changed and we haven't seen each other since, while another said she enjoyed my company but had no interest in non-monogamy or kink and didn't want to hear about anything I did related to either. We continued to see each other for a few weeks, but eventually the relationship ran its course. I have only once brought up the poly conversation on a first date and this was when I was still with J, the woman was fine with it and we saw each other a couple of times, but nothing really transpired until after J and I broke up and then only briefly.

As with most things it really depends on the type of person that you are disclosing your lifestyle to, however I think if the relationship is going to work for better or for worse, honestly is the best policy and you should discuss your poly beliefs within the first couple of dates.

What about kink? Outside of people I've met at kink events, my interest in kink is not known by many people I meet for the first time. The other night I had a bunch of people I recently met over and spent 10 minutes running around hiding toys and books, as I was sure (and rightly so) that there'd be snooping. I'm generally pretty matter of fact about my kink, however if it's a young lady that I may be interested in having as a partner I feel like I should bring her along slowly, but am I really going to hide all my toys and books every time I see her? That just doesn't seem practical. And while, I am able to have sexual relations with someone without kink involved I think from an ethical perspective full disclosure again is the only way to go. Either that or I should just stop dating people that I think are vanilla, which is no fun as it severely limits your dating pool, especially in Vancouver.

The question comes to me with everyone I meet and it's one of those things that I have to get used to being both poly and kinky; as with most things in life...it's a work in progress.

Things I Miss

Things I miss:
- Getting a hug before I leave for work
- Not having to grocery shop alone
- Coming home to the sounds of music and smell of baking
- The smell of the person you love
- Walking the dog
- Cooking dinner for more than one
- Having someone to share awkward situations with

This was a list I made almost 3 months ago now. I've tried and on occasion have successfully satisfied one or two of these misses in a given week (sometimes even in a day!) but have been unable to fulfill them all on a regular (or somewhat regular) basis. I still have my side of the bed and since I don't move very much while asleep the other side is always untouched. The condo is quiet when I arrive home and always smells the same. The only item that I can consistently satisfy is cooking for more than one person because....well....everyone likes a free meal and to be cooked for on occasion.

My nostalgia and sense of loss has grown the last day or two, I think brought on by my having dinner with some old friends last night, who discuss things I have no interest in discussing and want things that I have no interest in wanting. The lack of an outlet to voice a mutual disinterest makes me uninterested in making an attempt to continue the conversation, knowing I'm the only one that's uncomfortable in the setting. I'm not the type of person who will feign interest, so I left the meal before I burst at the seams with my honesty. The perspective it gave me was haunting....

S/M Tendencies

Over the past couple of weeks I'm beginning to get a much better understanding of where my S/M tendencies lie. J has always called me a masochist because of certain things that I continually do to myself:
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring

These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.

On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.

How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.