An article that Mistress Matisse wrote for her Strange column today about poly people dating monogamous people got me thinking about when is the right time to tell someone you're poly and/or kinky. Ethically, I feel that you should tell someone as soon as possible before either party gets too emotionally invested in the other, however in practice this ends up being more difficult than it appears.
One girl I told after a couple of weeks of seeing her exploded and said that her whole opinion of me changed and we haven't seen each other since, while another said she enjoyed my company but had no interest in non-monogamy or kink and didn't want to hear about anything I did related to either. We continued to see each other for a few weeks, but eventually the relationship ran its course. I have only once brought up the poly conversation on a first date and this was when I was still with J, the woman was fine with it and we saw each other a couple of times, but nothing really transpired until after J and I broke up and then only briefly.
As with most things it really depends on the type of person that you are disclosing your lifestyle to, however I think if the relationship is going to work for better or for worse, honestly is the best policy and you should discuss your poly beliefs within the first couple of dates.
What about kink? Outside of people I've met at kink events, my interest in kink is not known by many people I meet for the first time. The other night I had a bunch of people I recently met over and spent 10 minutes running around hiding toys and books, as I was sure (and rightly so) that there'd be snooping. I'm generally pretty matter of fact about my kink, however if it's a young lady that I may be interested in having as a partner I feel like I should bring her along slowly, but am I really going to hide all my toys and books every time I see her? That just doesn't seem practical. And while, I am able to have sexual relations with someone without kink involved I think from an ethical perspective full disclosure again is the only way to go. Either that or I should just stop dating people that I think are vanilla, which is no fun as it severely limits your dating pool, especially in Vancouver.
The question comes to me with everyone I meet and it's one of those things that I have to get used to being both poly and kinky; as with most things in life...it's a work in progress.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Things I Miss
Things I miss:
- Getting a hug before I leave for work
- Not having to grocery shop alone
- Coming home to the sounds of music and smell of baking
- The smell of the person you love
- Walking the dog
- Cooking dinner for more than one
- Having someone to share awkward situations with
This was a list I made almost 3 months ago now. I've tried and on occasion have successfully satisfied one or two of these misses in a given week (sometimes even in a day!) but have been unable to fulfill them all on a regular (or somewhat regular) basis. I still have my side of the bed and since I don't move very much while asleep the other side is always untouched. The condo is quiet when I arrive home and always smells the same. The only item that I can consistently satisfy is cooking for more than one person because....well....everyone likes a free meal and to be cooked for on occasion.
My nostalgia and sense of loss has grown the last day or two, I think brought on by my having dinner with some old friends last night, who discuss things I have no interest in discussing and want things that I have no interest in wanting. The lack of an outlet to voice a mutual disinterest makes me uninterested in making an attempt to continue the conversation, knowing I'm the only one that's uncomfortable in the setting. I'm not the type of person who will feign interest, so I left the meal before I burst at the seams with my honesty. The perspective it gave me was haunting....
- Getting a hug before I leave for work
- Not having to grocery shop alone
- Coming home to the sounds of music and smell of baking
- The smell of the person you love
- Walking the dog
- Cooking dinner for more than one
- Having someone to share awkward situations with
This was a list I made almost 3 months ago now. I've tried and on occasion have successfully satisfied one or two of these misses in a given week (sometimes even in a day!) but have been unable to fulfill them all on a regular (or somewhat regular) basis. I still have my side of the bed and since I don't move very much while asleep the other side is always untouched. The condo is quiet when I arrive home and always smells the same. The only item that I can consistently satisfy is cooking for more than one person because....well....everyone likes a free meal and to be cooked for on occasion.
My nostalgia and sense of loss has grown the last day or two, I think brought on by my having dinner with some old friends last night, who discuss things I have no interest in discussing and want things that I have no interest in wanting. The lack of an outlet to voice a mutual disinterest makes me uninterested in making an attempt to continue the conversation, knowing I'm the only one that's uncomfortable in the setting. I'm not the type of person who will feign interest, so I left the meal before I burst at the seams with my honesty. The perspective it gave me was haunting....
Monday, July 12, 2010
S/M Tendencies
Over the past couple of weeks I'm beginning to get a much better understanding of where my S/M tendencies lie. J has always called me a masochist because of certain things that I continually do to myself:
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring
These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.
On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.
How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.
- pick scabs until they bleed
- let myself feel my tears when I cry, refusing to wipe them off my face, instead leaving them to stain it
- allow blood to flow until clotting instead of applying pressure and stopping its flow
- avoid cleaning my wounds and/or putting polysporin or bandaids on, making them easier to re-open, taking them longer to heal, and increasing the potential for scarring
These aren't necessarily masochistic tendencies in your typically scope of BDSM, but they are masochistic all the same. I do them because it allows me to feel something, to numb an internal pain. I'm not into bottoming for the purpose of someone inflicting pain on me, as I've yet to really fall into a foggy headspace because of it, rather do it for the experience of feeling what it would feel like if/when I play that way with a bottom. So I don't feel that I'm a typical masochist in the traditional sense, which I would define as a physical one, rather I think that I'm an emotional masochist, which I think is atypical.
On the other hand, I'm definitely a sadist. Both on an emotional and physical level. When I say emotional, I don't mean I like to inflict emotional pain on others, I'm a very sensitive person and dislike inflicting this type of pain, but I do enjoy messing with people's heads. On numerous occasions, A has told me that I'm sadist because I've withheld information from her and I do the same thing with Blip. It's the power it gives you in the relationship that's exciting. As for physical sadism, that's very much me. Flogging, spanking, slapping, rigging, nipple pinching, hair pulling....and so on and so no.....they all get me hard. While they occasionally do, they don't need to lead to a sexual act, the reaction from my bottoms is enough to excite and satisfy me....at least for a while.
How do you define yourself? Sadist? Masochist? Or something in between? It's important to think about; it allows you to better understand what drives you, what makes you happy and ultimately what to pursue. Even if you're not into S/M; it's still something to think about as you'd be surprised at how it can impact your everyday life. The knowledge will only enhance your never-ending journey of self-discovery.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Out
During my road trip I told pretty much anyone I had a chance to talk to for an extended period of time that I was both poly and kinky; some needed a little bit more explanation about what that means, others knew right away, but the interesting thing was that everyone I told (all of whom were vanilla, at least as far as I'm aware) asked questions and continued the conversation instead of running for the hills. So either I have some amazing friends or it's just not that big of a deal anymore, while I wish the latter were true, I think in this situation the former is the case. However, I think as the world and both sexes evolve there is less and less of a stigma attached to being either poly or kinky.
So with that knowledge in hand, last night I came out to my dad as both poly and kinky....the reaction was, well, what I expected from my dad; complete and utter acceptance. He asked a few questions and thanked me for sharing it with him but that was about it. My decision to come out to him stemmed from him coming out of his shell after 64 years of life, brought on by his recent Caribbean cruise that he went on with a lady that he met 23 years ago when both of them were married, an amazing story to say the least. And I figured that now was as good a time as any, especially as I'm finding my footing more and more in this 'brave new world' as my Dad called it. As a good parent, his only concern was my safety from STIs, which anyone that lives the same life that I do knows are a huge part of being both poly and kinky and is a conversation that happens very near the beginning of any sexual relationship in this lifestyle. I know for me it's something that comes up within the first couple of dates, once I decide a person may be worth seeing more of; it's also an easy way to filter out people that aren't interested in the way we live. Where I live, the number of poly/kinky friends I have are few in number, so it's especially important when meeting vanilla people, as it separates those that are truly vanilla from those that are interested, but have yet to have the opportunity to explore. Yes, sometimes this can blow up in your face, but if you prepare for the worst and are open and honest, you'll be amazed at how often you're surprised.
I'm lucky to have a family as close as I do and one so accepting, I know for a lot of individuals coming out is a huge deal, as most parents are not accepting of the lifestyle that we have chosen to live. While I may be in a unique family situation, I think the way to approach it is the same for everyone. Be confident, be honest, and have faith that your family loves you for you, no matter what life you chose to lead. Your family is your family and they love you unconditionally; I've come to understand that if they understand your reasons for living the life you've chosen to live that they will accept it. The stumbling block is giving them the time to understand those reasons. The other night I was talking to one of my sister's best friends (and yes, vanilla) and told her about Blip and how our dynamic works, what I get out of it and what she gets out of it. To which she replied, "interesting, you see things in movies and such and it always seems degrading, but when you put it that way it's not at all." And this was all over a 10-minute conversation; I was able to express to her how it works and why it works. It also helps that she knows the type of person I am and knows I would never abuse the relationship I'm in, which can be a concern if the D in the D/S relationship is unethical, but that's a discussion for another time.
So with that knowledge in hand, last night I came out to my dad as both poly and kinky....the reaction was, well, what I expected from my dad; complete and utter acceptance. He asked a few questions and thanked me for sharing it with him but that was about it. My decision to come out to him stemmed from him coming out of his shell after 64 years of life, brought on by his recent Caribbean cruise that he went on with a lady that he met 23 years ago when both of them were married, an amazing story to say the least. And I figured that now was as good a time as any, especially as I'm finding my footing more and more in this 'brave new world' as my Dad called it. As a good parent, his only concern was my safety from STIs, which anyone that lives the same life that I do knows are a huge part of being both poly and kinky and is a conversation that happens very near the beginning of any sexual relationship in this lifestyle. I know for me it's something that comes up within the first couple of dates, once I decide a person may be worth seeing more of; it's also an easy way to filter out people that aren't interested in the way we live. Where I live, the number of poly/kinky friends I have are few in number, so it's especially important when meeting vanilla people, as it separates those that are truly vanilla from those that are interested, but have yet to have the opportunity to explore. Yes, sometimes this can blow up in your face, but if you prepare for the worst and are open and honest, you'll be amazed at how often you're surprised.
I'm lucky to have a family as close as I do and one so accepting, I know for a lot of individuals coming out is a huge deal, as most parents are not accepting of the lifestyle that we have chosen to live. While I may be in a unique family situation, I think the way to approach it is the same for everyone. Be confident, be honest, and have faith that your family loves you for you, no matter what life you chose to lead. Your family is your family and they love you unconditionally; I've come to understand that if they understand your reasons for living the life you've chosen to live that they will accept it. The stumbling block is giving them the time to understand those reasons. The other night I was talking to one of my sister's best friends (and yes, vanilla) and told her about Blip and how our dynamic works, what I get out of it and what she gets out of it. To which she replied, "interesting, you see things in movies and such and it always seems degrading, but when you put it that way it's not at all." And this was all over a 10-minute conversation; I was able to express to her how it works and why it works. It also helps that she knows the type of person I am and knows I would never abuse the relationship I'm in, which can be a concern if the D in the D/S relationship is unethical, but that's a discussion for another time.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Home Sweet Home?
I'm back from my 5,600km, 14-day marathon road trip through the US. Met some interesting people and had a chance to think about things that needed to be thought about, something that I think I should do more of. The interesting thing about this trip was that this was the first time in a long time that I didn't want to come home. Over the last number of years, I've always looked forward to coming home when I've been off on my own, but I didn't want to nor did I feel the need to. It was as if I could've stayed traveling until I got tired of it, probably because for the first time in a long time I had nothing to come home to. Sure my family is here, but we've been all over the map and don't see each other often and I know I could keep connected with them wherever I was. And yes I do have close friends, but I've been drifting further and further apart from them as my life has become more entrenched in both poly and kink, which they don't understand. Of course there's my job, but I was able to keep up with what I needed to keep up with while on the road taking an hour here or there to answer emails or look at proposals and I know I could do that wherever I was in the world. Needless to say it was an interesting feeling and one I'm not sure that I fully understand yet. I know why I felt the feeling, but I'm just not sure what to do with it yet.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
A walk
Strolling through the gate
As if on a cloud
An air of difference and beauty
Increasing her intrigue
Matched only by knowing the beauty inside
Altering a life 6 years ago today
As if on a cloud
An air of difference and beauty
Increasing her intrigue
Matched only by knowing the beauty inside
Altering a life 6 years ago today
Monday, June 28, 2010
Mr S
A picture of me is now the desktop for a pretty gay boy who works at Mr S Leather; or at least that's what he said he wanted my picture for. After he spent a good 45 minutes fondling my bits while fitting me for a cock and ball ring and attaching behind the back cuffs to my balls, he asked if he could take a picture of me from the chest up for his desktop. While at some point in my life I'm sure I'll have a sexual encounter with a man because I think any experience is worth trying, I consider myself 100% straight (if I were bi, I'm pretty sure our new friend would've followed us back to our hotel room). But since I made both his and A's day, it was worth it (she has a really big thing for pretty gay boys). A was so excited that when my hands were bound behind my back, she dropped to her knees and started giving me head in the dressing room, only to be interrupted by the employee and the owner of Mr S who came to see, "the pretty straight boy bound by his balls." Apparently that is a rarity at Mr S.
All told we spent about 5 hours at Mr S over the course of 2 days, I spent way too much money, but am bringing home some lovely new toys that I'm sure will leave some fantastic bruises on Blip....I'm only mildly sadistic. We also got to play dress-up with A, who spent the better part of 2 hours in Mrs S Leather getting decked out in leather and latex and did she ever look amazing. So much so that when we showed the pictures of her to our new friend, he showed the owner who said there may be an opportunity for her to come back and do some modelling for the Madame S website....I may have also been asked to have more pictures taken of me, which may or may not have been for their website.....
We also had some great food, did some sightseeing, and took in the SF Pride Parade (see pics below). The only stumbling point of the weekend was a flat tire as we tried to leave SF, maybe something was trying to tell us to stay longer, who knows?
All told we spent about 5 hours at Mr S over the course of 2 days, I spent way too much money, but am bringing home some lovely new toys that I'm sure will leave some fantastic bruises on Blip....I'm only mildly sadistic. We also got to play dress-up with A, who spent the better part of 2 hours in Mrs S Leather getting decked out in leather and latex and did she ever look amazing. So much so that when we showed the pictures of her to our new friend, he showed the owner who said there may be an opportunity for her to come back and do some modelling for the Madame S website....I may have also been asked to have more pictures taken of me, which may or may not have been for their website.....
We also had some great food, did some sightseeing, and took in the SF Pride Parade (see pics below). The only stumbling point of the weekend was a flat tire as we tried to leave SF, maybe something was trying to tell us to stay longer, who knows?
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Road Trip!!
I'm about to embark on another adventure. This one will take me south into the US; beginning tomorrow with a 3-hour private rope lesson with Max. I'm also going to be making a stop in San Francisco to do some kink related shopping and possibly take in the sights or their Pride parade this weekend. I'm not sure where else my trip will take me, but that's half the fun. I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to write for the next couple of weeks but I'll do my best.
On another note I spent almost 2 whole days with Blip this past weekend as her dominant, it was a very rewarding experience for both of us; but I realized how tiring it is to be dominant for an extended period of time....I was completely drained come Monday. It gives me a whole new respect for individuals in D/S relationships that are 24/7. I'm really enjoying exploring this avenue of my life and look forward to what it can bring me and how I can help Blip grow.
On another note I spent almost 2 whole days with Blip this past weekend as her dominant, it was a very rewarding experience for both of us; but I realized how tiring it is to be dominant for an extended period of time....I was completely drained come Monday. It gives me a whole new respect for individuals in D/S relationships that are 24/7. I'm really enjoying exploring this avenue of my life and look forward to what it can bring me and how I can help Blip grow.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
People in my life
Over the past couple of months, I've started to develop relationships with people both in and out of the kink community and I figured it'd be a good idea to recap those that I talk about the most as they are part of my growth as an individual both in and out of the kink community.
J - my ex-partner who I discovered poly and kink with. I still consider her my best friend and the one person that I can talk to about anything in the world. At the moment it's still difficult for both of us to spend time with each other as it usually ends in tears for one or both of us. But she's the woman that I will always envision my future with, even though my belief that there will ever be a chance for us again is gone.
Z - J's secondary while we were open. Just recently she told me that she is seeing him, while I know she didn't leave me for him I know he had an impact on our relationship, especially near the end; however all that matters to me is that she's happy.
A - My practice partner in Seattle. Our relationship is developing and neither of us have defined what it is or where it'll go but have put aside time and space to care for each other and see what happens. I'm off next week on a US road trip and she'll accompany me on part of it - from Sacramento (where she's spending the summer) to SF
Max - My bondage instructor and someone who I feel that I can learn a great deal from as I progress in the kink community. I see him as an informal mentor both in rope and in my kinky life, which is becoming more and more a part of my everyday life.
C - Was a vanilla girl I saw for a little while, we floated apart pretty quickly as I became more involved in the kink community and I realized it was something that she would never be interested in.
S - Another vanilla girl I dated for a while, she knew about my poly beliefs and kink lifestyle and still stuck around for a while, even though she saw rope bondage, "As something you'd do if you wanted to kidnap and kill someone." She knew that she wasn't the girl for me, but the short time we were together I left the impact on her life that I wanted to showing her that men can be decent and aren't always trying to get into her pants. We will continue to be friends, even though she doesn't want to hear about my kinky lifestyle.
Blip - My sub in my D/S relationship that recently began. Met her at a Vancouver play party, Rascal's, and I've been developing her as my submissive. It's a new experience for both of us and will be a very good learning experience.
H - A 19 year-old vanilla girl I've recently started dating. Only been out with her a couple of times and have yet to tell her about my poly/kinky beliefs but if she's still interested in me after I get back from my US road trip I will have the discussion with her, which I always find is an interesting conversation to have with people who are vanilla as it can bring out very intriguing reactions.
I think that's all for now. Enjoy the weekend!!
J - my ex-partner who I discovered poly and kink with. I still consider her my best friend and the one person that I can talk to about anything in the world. At the moment it's still difficult for both of us to spend time with each other as it usually ends in tears for one or both of us. But she's the woman that I will always envision my future with, even though my belief that there will ever be a chance for us again is gone.
Z - J's secondary while we were open. Just recently she told me that she is seeing him, while I know she didn't leave me for him I know he had an impact on our relationship, especially near the end; however all that matters to me is that she's happy.
A - My practice partner in Seattle. Our relationship is developing and neither of us have defined what it is or where it'll go but have put aside time and space to care for each other and see what happens. I'm off next week on a US road trip and she'll accompany me on part of it - from Sacramento (where she's spending the summer) to SF
Max - My bondage instructor and someone who I feel that I can learn a great deal from as I progress in the kink community. I see him as an informal mentor both in rope and in my kinky life, which is becoming more and more a part of my everyday life.
C - Was a vanilla girl I saw for a little while, we floated apart pretty quickly as I became more involved in the kink community and I realized it was something that she would never be interested in.
S - Another vanilla girl I dated for a while, she knew about my poly beliefs and kink lifestyle and still stuck around for a while, even though she saw rope bondage, "As something you'd do if you wanted to kidnap and kill someone." She knew that she wasn't the girl for me, but the short time we were together I left the impact on her life that I wanted to showing her that men can be decent and aren't always trying to get into her pants. We will continue to be friends, even though she doesn't want to hear about my kinky lifestyle.
Blip - My sub in my D/S relationship that recently began. Met her at a Vancouver play party, Rascal's, and I've been developing her as my submissive. It's a new experience for both of us and will be a very good learning experience.
H - A 19 year-old vanilla girl I've recently started dating. Only been out with her a couple of times and have yet to tell her about my poly/kinky beliefs but if she's still interested in me after I get back from my US road trip I will have the discussion with her, which I always find is an interesting conversation to have with people who are vanilla as it can bring out very intriguing reactions.
I think that's all for now. Enjoy the weekend!!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Another Membership
After attending their fire play class and Dungeon Party last night, today I became a member of the Libido Lounge. From an educational and sex positive perspective I think the Lounge is doing it right. Jennifer, the owner of Lounge, is a great educator and knows what she is talking about and I think that many of the classes that she offers will be valuable. However, I'm not sure how many of the Lounge's play parties I will attend, while I'm all for being sex positive, the Lounge offers masturbation parties, sensual massage and speed dating nights, and things of that ilk, which aren't really the sort of things that I'm looking for, however occasionally they host bondage and dungeon nights as well as classes that will be beneficial such as play party etiquette.
I really respected the fact that at the dungeon party they did not serve alcohol; which was one of the things that irked me about the Rascal's party I went to about a month ago, to me it's a safety thing. I did feel that there was a lack of suspension space, however I heard a rumour that a local carpenter is planning on putting up 3 suspension rings within the next month, which given the warehouse height ceilings in the Lounge should be a lot of fun.
I really respected the fact that at the dungeon party they did not serve alcohol; which was one of the things that irked me about the Rascal's party I went to about a month ago, to me it's a safety thing. I did feel that there was a lack of suspension space, however I heard a rumour that a local carpenter is planning on putting up 3 suspension rings within the next month, which given the warehouse height ceilings in the Lounge should be a lot of fun.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Education
As I come to understand the Vancouver kink scene more and more, I notice things I think can be improved. As a result I'm beginning to inject myself into the community on a more regular basis; now I'm by no means an expert, far from it, but when I see the way things are run in Seattle compared to the ways things operate in Vancouver; there is a marked discrepancy.
For example, safe words. I've been talking to Blip (who I'm continuing to develop as a sub) and she said that at play parties they use the safe word "Red" to end a scene. In effect the top will continue to ramp up the intensity until the bottom says Red, at which point the top will end the scene and express their pleasure that the bottom was able to use the safe word and tell them when the scene should end. The way I've always understood safe words is to use them when the intensity becomes too much or something is feeling off, at which point the top changes the way they are doing things and the scene continues until they decide to end it. In my opinion, 1) a good top should be able to understand their bottom, 2) not allow the scene to get to the point of the bottom having to use their safe word and 3) the top should end the scene when they feel that their bottom has had enough. There also seems to be a debate about who controls a scene and it is the opinion of most that the bottom controls the scene, which given the use of safe words here makes sense.
There is also a fracture of groups in Vancouver. Metro Vancouver Kink, Rascal's, Libido Lounge and SinCity; each of which have their own play party night (typically one per month) and each operate differently. Libido Lounge seems to be the most organized and educational, however I will reserve my opinion until after this weekend as I'm attending a fire play class tonight and their member orientation tomorrow. I'm not attending their play party this evening as they have a dress code rule, which I'm pretty opposed to. If I'm going to dress up in fetish wear, I'm going to do it because I feel like it and not because it's dictated by event organizers. As you might guess, I don't see myself ever attending a SinCity party because...well...it's a fetish event.
So how am I going to inject myself and help the Vancouver community? Well I can assure you it's not going to be something that happens quickly, given my education level. While first, I'm going to try and spend more time in Seattle (thank-you Nexus pass) as the CSPC has some great classes and I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing people there I think I will be able to learn from. Secondly, at the suggestion of Max I have a plan to attend some kink conferences throughout the US over the next year or so. I'd love to be starting with Thunder in the Mountains in July, however I have a end of the year softball tournament that I've already committed to. So unless I decide to go camping for Paradise Unbound, my first conference will probably be Folsom Street Fringe in September; which I hope to volunteer for and attend. It will also allow me to go to the Folsom Street Fair, which should be a very cool experience.
So my eduction will be ongoing, but it's something that I seem to enjoy and that aligns with what makes me happy, giving myself to others and making a difference in their lives. I've really begun this with Blip and through getting to know her I know that I can help her grow and flourish as an individual and while it's a learning experience for me, I have some fantastic resources available to me, I just have to use and cultivate them.
For example, safe words. I've been talking to Blip (who I'm continuing to develop as a sub) and she said that at play parties they use the safe word "Red" to end a scene. In effect the top will continue to ramp up the intensity until the bottom says Red, at which point the top will end the scene and express their pleasure that the bottom was able to use the safe word and tell them when the scene should end. The way I've always understood safe words is to use them when the intensity becomes too much or something is feeling off, at which point the top changes the way they are doing things and the scene continues until they decide to end it. In my opinion, 1) a good top should be able to understand their bottom, 2) not allow the scene to get to the point of the bottom having to use their safe word and 3) the top should end the scene when they feel that their bottom has had enough. There also seems to be a debate about who controls a scene and it is the opinion of most that the bottom controls the scene, which given the use of safe words here makes sense.
There is also a fracture of groups in Vancouver. Metro Vancouver Kink, Rascal's, Libido Lounge and SinCity; each of which have their own play party night (typically one per month) and each operate differently. Libido Lounge seems to be the most organized and educational, however I will reserve my opinion until after this weekend as I'm attending a fire play class tonight and their member orientation tomorrow. I'm not attending their play party this evening as they have a dress code rule, which I'm pretty opposed to. If I'm going to dress up in fetish wear, I'm going to do it because I feel like it and not because it's dictated by event organizers. As you might guess, I don't see myself ever attending a SinCity party because...well...it's a fetish event.
So how am I going to inject myself and help the Vancouver community? Well I can assure you it's not going to be something that happens quickly, given my education level. While first, I'm going to try and spend more time in Seattle (thank-you Nexus pass) as the CSPC has some great classes and I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing people there I think I will be able to learn from. Secondly, at the suggestion of Max I have a plan to attend some kink conferences throughout the US over the next year or so. I'd love to be starting with Thunder in the Mountains in July, however I have a end of the year softball tournament that I've already committed to. So unless I decide to go camping for Paradise Unbound, my first conference will probably be Folsom Street Fringe in September; which I hope to volunteer for and attend. It will also allow me to go to the Folsom Street Fair, which should be a very cool experience.
So my eduction will be ongoing, but it's something that I seem to enjoy and that aligns with what makes me happy, giving myself to others and making a difference in their lives. I've really begun this with Blip and through getting to know her I know that I can help her grow and flourish as an individual and while it's a learning experience for me, I have some fantastic resources available to me, I just have to use and cultivate them.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Brain Drain
It's been a while since I posted, so I just wanted to say I'm still alive, but barely. I had an exam Monday night and have been recovering from some sort of cold or infection since returning from Seattle Sunday...my lymph nodes feel like they are the size of golf balls; this is only a short post as my brain does not want to cooperate right now, but I have some things that I've taken away from my time in Seattle and I feel the need to discuss them at least when my head behaves....
Friday, June 4, 2010
Newest CSPC Member....Me!!!
Today I joined the CSPC, so that I can attend events without having to be taken as a guest.....and for my first event I attended the Grind, a weekly Thursday evening event where all 3 rooms were in use. I got to see some beautiful dancing in the main play space; in the Raw space I saw the best flogging scene I've ever seen between 2 rock star tops Nathan and Russell, who are taking turns this week bottoming to each other with Russell going on Thursday and Nathan getting his retribution on Saturday, Nathan left with 5 bandaids and some lovely bruising; and in the Annex I saw A do her first public suspension and Mark Dv8 suspend Lani aka Fly Girl, who turned, spun, and flipped and was both gorgeous and unbelievable in her performance....strangely enough I thought that I good do some of the movements she did given my flexibility.
Seeing these people perform and scene makes me crave that in Vancouver...I feel like I want to learn and bring what I see in Seattle home. I need to practice my ties and flogging. If I get the right flogging equipment I can practice by myself, but I still need to find someone to practice rope with and i think I'm going to train Blip, a very subby girl I met at Rascals, how to be tied up...I know I can get her into a foggy headspace really quickly and maybe I can translate that into making her a rope slut, I know she likes suspension....so we'll see about the rest, hopefully it's only a matter of time. I'd love to get experienced enough to teach in Vancouver and show people what is available to them, because there is such a disparity between the Seattle and Vancouver Scenes.....
Seeing these people perform and scene makes me crave that in Vancouver...I feel like I want to learn and bring what I see in Seattle home. I need to practice my ties and flogging. If I get the right flogging equipment I can practice by myself, but I still need to find someone to practice rope with and i think I'm going to train Blip, a very subby girl I met at Rascals, how to be tied up...I know I can get her into a foggy headspace really quickly and maybe I can translate that into making her a rope slut, I know she likes suspension....so we'll see about the rest, hopefully it's only a matter of time. I'd love to get experienced enough to teach in Vancouver and show people what is available to them, because there is such a disparity between the Seattle and Vancouver Scenes.....
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Thoughts on marriage...
Last weekend I was at a friend's wedding and one of the 760 guests in attendance was the mother of a childhood friend. Now maybe I'm getting to that age or maybe it's because we were at a wedding or maybe both; but one of the first questions she asked me, "Are you engage? Are you married?" Her response to my answer of no was, "Oh...well that's ok, I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Which prompted a brief discussion on my beliefs on marriage, short because 1) she was an old family friend and 2) well we were at a wedding, so it wasn't exactly the proper venue.
While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.
One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.
The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.
While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.
One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.
The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Holding on
I came across an anonymous quote yesterday:
"I think part of the reason why we hold something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen twice."
I think that this is so true. Life is a series events, relationships, and connections; but how often have you ever had one of them repeat itself? It happens rarely, if ever, so when you find something or someone amazing you never want to let that feeling go...so you hold it tighter hoping against hope to never lose it. Yesterday I was again overwhelmed by emotion while in savasana, only this time I was brought to tears; masked by the sweat of my just ended workout. The cause.....my apparent lack of connection with anything....the greatest connection I'll ever have seems to be slipping away and the more I try to hold on to it the more I lose it. I've always felt like I can find a solution for anything...but now that feeling is being replaced with a feeling that what I do, how I act doesn't matter...to anyone....so if you want to live for a greatness that doesn't matter; what's the point? What's the point of anything? I understand it's an incredibly lonely thought, which is why tears taint my cheeks. Tears of mourning for the loss of something so great that the thought of it never happening again fractures my heart and my soul. Trying to grapple with this is beginning to consume me, it's all I think about these days but no matter how much I think about it there's never an answer only a void.
"I think part of the reason why we hold something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen twice."
I think that this is so true. Life is a series events, relationships, and connections; but how often have you ever had one of them repeat itself? It happens rarely, if ever, so when you find something or someone amazing you never want to let that feeling go...so you hold it tighter hoping against hope to never lose it. Yesterday I was again overwhelmed by emotion while in savasana, only this time I was brought to tears; masked by the sweat of my just ended workout. The cause.....my apparent lack of connection with anything....the greatest connection I'll ever have seems to be slipping away and the more I try to hold on to it the more I lose it. I've always felt like I can find a solution for anything...but now that feeling is being replaced with a feeling that what I do, how I act doesn't matter...to anyone....so if you want to live for a greatness that doesn't matter; what's the point? What's the point of anything? I understand it's an incredibly lonely thought, which is why tears taint my cheeks. Tears of mourning for the loss of something so great that the thought of it never happening again fractures my heart and my soul. Trying to grapple with this is beginning to consume me, it's all I think about these days but no matter how much I think about it there's never an answer only a void.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Happy Birthday Sister!!
Today (or yesterday as it is after midnight) is my sister's birthday. A tribute to one of the most amazing people I know. I love her as much as anyone can love anyone and hope she has a fantastic birthday (I know I did my part). Here's to the amazing person you are!!! I'm so privileged to have you as a sister, you are one of most supportive people I know and I wish you all the best.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Happiness
"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you're trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted."
Sophia Bush
I saw this local play last night called Conversations with Willie, which was centred around the main character, Richard's, dialogue with his penis. The play was about relationships and how they affect who you are. Richard and his wife were always looking for more attention from each other and needing to be validated by the other's apparently unconditional love. The play ended with Richard discovering that he has to be happy with himself before he can be happy in a relationship, a thought that has been very present in my head over the past few months.
There was a discussion after the play in which the host asked members of the audience for the aspects of the play, if any, that resonated with something in their life. I spoke about how me and another member of the audience had been talking about the same thing...being happy with yourself....during the intermission; he and I had never met before and neither of us had seen the play, however we had a discussion about internal happiness and how a relationship must compliment that happiness rather than try to be that happiness. If you look at the relationships around you, how many people seem to be in them because of convenience? A lot of these couples are in relationships to give them happiness, to not be alone, to be comfortable....instead of being happy with who they are first. When asked how my experiences with self-happiness was going; I stated that I was happy with the person I was but that I felt it was something that would always be evolving. We are not static individuals, rather are changing and growing and as long as we continue that growth individually, we can continue to compliment ourselves in our relationships.
After the show I reflected on what I said in order to try and reconcile a potential disparity between my happiness as a person and my lack of self-love. I have never loved myself nor have ever held myself in very high regard, and I don't think I ever will, yet I am happy with the person I am. How can this be true? I'm not yet 100% sure how, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot today and so far this is what I've come up with. If you remember one of the things I enjoy in life is making other people's lives better (Remaining Open)? Well that goal makes me happy, facilitating others' growth, which in turn feeds mine. I want people to move on from being around me thankful to have had me in their lives, that I have given them something that they otherwise wouldn't have discovered easily on their own. Whether I love myself or not, has nothing to do with this and I think that this love can be given to others, instead of being used internally. I'm only beginning to develop the concept that I can be happy with who I am, yet be depressed and/or not love myself; but I think I will continue to ponder this idea because I don't think the two concepts are contradictory. It's yet another avenue of self-discovery that I'm working on.....don't forget life is all about the process.
Sophia Bush
I saw this local play last night called Conversations with Willie, which was centred around the main character, Richard's, dialogue with his penis. The play was about relationships and how they affect who you are. Richard and his wife were always looking for more attention from each other and needing to be validated by the other's apparently unconditional love. The play ended with Richard discovering that he has to be happy with himself before he can be happy in a relationship, a thought that has been very present in my head over the past few months.
There was a discussion after the play in which the host asked members of the audience for the aspects of the play, if any, that resonated with something in their life. I spoke about how me and another member of the audience had been talking about the same thing...being happy with yourself....during the intermission; he and I had never met before and neither of us had seen the play, however we had a discussion about internal happiness and how a relationship must compliment that happiness rather than try to be that happiness. If you look at the relationships around you, how many people seem to be in them because of convenience? A lot of these couples are in relationships to give them happiness, to not be alone, to be comfortable....instead of being happy with who they are first. When asked how my experiences with self-happiness was going; I stated that I was happy with the person I was but that I felt it was something that would always be evolving. We are not static individuals, rather are changing and growing and as long as we continue that growth individually, we can continue to compliment ourselves in our relationships.
After the show I reflected on what I said in order to try and reconcile a potential disparity between my happiness as a person and my lack of self-love. I have never loved myself nor have ever held myself in very high regard, and I don't think I ever will, yet I am happy with the person I am. How can this be true? I'm not yet 100% sure how, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot today and so far this is what I've come up with. If you remember one of the things I enjoy in life is making other people's lives better (Remaining Open)? Well that goal makes me happy, facilitating others' growth, which in turn feeds mine. I want people to move on from being around me thankful to have had me in their lives, that I have given them something that they otherwise wouldn't have discovered easily on their own. Whether I love myself or not, has nothing to do with this and I think that this love can be given to others, instead of being used internally. I'm only beginning to develop the concept that I can be happy with who I am, yet be depressed and/or not love myself; but I think I will continue to ponder this idea because I don't think the two concepts are contradictory. It's yet another avenue of self-discovery that I'm working on.....don't forget life is all about the process.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Mood
The last couple of weeks there's been a change in my mood. My temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter and at little things.....like someone not walking purposefully enough on the street; silly I know but it's something that gets to me on a daily basis. I'm not expressing this temper, rather I keep it inside as part of my inner monologue. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with this mood is there and I have no idea what I can do to change it. Yoga, which used to be able to calm my brain, is no longer having an effect. I used to be able to enter class with an active brain and leave with a clear mind but recently my brain activity subsides during clas but by the time I reach savasana my brain kicks into overdrive again and with more intense emotion than it started with; while in savasana in yesterday's class a feelings of sadness overcame me bringing me to brink of tears. I have no idea how to deal with this anger, sadness and loneliness....nothing I do seems to work. I feel at the mercy of my emotions, with my only option to wait and hope that the feeling passes, my concern rests with the question....what if it doesn't??
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The Economist and Polyamory
A came across a great article called, "Love and Polyamory" that I wanted to share. I feel it does a pretty good job discussing the topic of being in an open relationship and I find it quite progressive of the Economist's Intelligent Life magazine to discuss the topic.
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