Fear of the Unknown

There are only a handful of people I know that never get jealous, for the most part everyone has a little bit of jealousy in them, why is this? Yes I’m polyamorous and yes I still get jealous on occasion; I’ll admit it, if you refuse to admit it you’ll never be able to understand it. Typically my feelings of jealousy stem from a fear of the unknown. Will a new relationship change the dynamics of an existing relationship with an already established partner? We’d all like to say, “no it won’t we have a specific kind of relationship and not looking for something similar to replace it,” but often how do you know that until it happens? The reality is you don’t, even if you have a relationship contract and a set of perfectly laid out rules, it still doesn’t change a new relationship will change your existing one. We can’t always control our emotions and desires, how we feel when someone does something that makes us smile. I feel knowing that this can and often does happen allows you to be better prepared to deal with it if and when it does.

I’ve recently been going through some of this in my head, primarily because my partner is quite new to poly and while I know she loves me, she’s also figuring out whether poly is right for her. So therein lies my fear of the unknown. In relationships I find that I plan for the worst to protect myself emotional, and while I recognize the worst case would be she would end our relationship, I see that case as irrational given our connection, and approach the worst case as the fear of a change in our relationship. What would that change look like? Since she lives out of town would it affect how often we see one another? Would another individual use her guilt complex against her (something I would never do and that I’m actually helping her get over)? So many things could happen, which of course is the case in any relationship, thinking about it (while bringing up potential feelings of jealousy – via fear of loss) allows me to be better prepared if it does happen – but sometimes I wonder if it’s also a form of self-sabotage.

Now change is not inherently bad, change leads to growth, negotiation and a new understanding of you, your partner and your relationship; it’s the unknown that gets me, that weighs on my mind. I wish I could say it’d be different if the relationship wasn’t so new and she wasn’t new to poly, but I’m not sure that I can. I do know that when she goes on a date and meets someone new I’m happy for her and excited to hear all about it and share that experience with her as her partner, but there will always be that little part of me that wonders…..will this change us?

Buyer Beware

I've found myself managing dates or potential partner's expectations of me. I don't want them to get attached where they expect something from me that I can't give them; I'm by no means trying to sound conceited, but this has happened more often than I'd like and ultimately leads to disappointment. I'm not 100% sure why or how this happens but some of the more frequent ones have been that I don't have goals that align with society's or I'm lacking a certain emotional aspect their looking for or I don't end up becoming monogamous for them. I try to manage these expectation through honesty but don't always think I'm heard, people tend to hear what they want to hear.

I hate hurting people emotionally and seeing as I know that I'm not going to be in their future plans the best option is to not date, but even in light of the above I know I have things to offer. I know I can help show them something they wouldn't have explored/thought of before. I can do this because I'm honest, which in turn fosters their honesty and trust, and I also don't judge someone for something that they do or have done, so anything is on the table for discussion. Looking across the spectrum of my acquaintances these traits are well....rare, which is why I come off at 'intriguing' or 'interesting.' (If this is not rare for you, count yourself lucky!!)

I'm beginning to think that managing expectations isn't the right way to go, that I should just be honest and let things fall as they may. If someone doesn't hear what I'm saying then maybe they deserve the anguish that may occur. My only hesitation is that most people wouldn't understand or learn the lesson, rather detest me for misleading them; which is contrary to my goal of "leaving someone better off than before I met them.' And therein lies the conundrum.

Women

There's something so beautiful about women; the feel of their skin.....the way their hair falls over their face, their neck, their shoulders......how one piece of their outfit can enhance their beauty 10-fold. Many times it's not even in a sexual context, there's not much I enjoy more than snuggling with a woman running my fingers down her spine, across her stomach, over the tops of her breasts, up the nape of her neck. For many this is very sexual and in a way it is for me as well, but in a very different fashion; I don't expect or want it to lead to anything other than what it is....intimacy between two individuals. I think this is one of the reasons I'm poly, it's not all about sex, rather the intimacy between two people that can be so much more than sex; something that can enhance a friendship beyond what is accustomed by society. The touch, the caress, the intimacy....something I will always crave, desire, and love.

Taboo Vancouver

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Kinky Ethics

A couple of weeks ago I attended a seminar on accounting ethics, now before you close your browser in terror at the thought of me actually discussing accounting ethics, never fear; I have none such intention. The seminar did, however get me thinking of how BDSM/poly ethics are applicable in the vanilla world, because ethics are ethics, no matter what you're doing.

One of the most important BDSM actions, or inactions as the case may be, is the lack of physical contact until you know someone well. How many times have you been to a club or a bar and been groped by someone you don't know while you're dancing? Standing at the bar? Walking to the bathroom? It's happened to me at least a dozen times, I can only imagine how many times its happened to the ladies out there. The complete opposite is true at a BDSM party, no one you don't know will grope you and people you do know will ask before they touch you in any fashion; you'd think this would be common sense, but apparently not.

Then there's negotiation, which occurs before most BDSM and poly relationships begin. Guidelines, ground rules, and limits need to be established before anything progresses, I agree it can take some of the suspense out of a relationship but wouldn't you rather know if a partner was allergic to latex or had an STI before you began a night of needles or oral sex? I would, so what if it's a little TMI before things get serious; you'll thank yourself for it later. Or how about whether or not you want to know if your partner slept with someone, who that someone was and what they did together? There's no such thing as a mind reader (at least as far as I know), so if you don't know this stuff up front, one of you is going to end up disappointed. I know I've had women I've dated tell me I'm too honest and it's tough for them to handle, but I'm glad I know that now instead of 5 years down the road, saves us both some time and disappointment!

BDSM and poly have made me more ethical than I was before I entered their respective communities; however the irony is that my lifestyle may be seen as detrimental and unethical to the vanilla accounting community I'm a member of. I know I would be prepared to give up said membership if it came down to a choice between my lifestyle or the membership, even though it took me 4 years to get. I'm not being dramatic either, the seminar instructor told a story about how he knew of a member who also owned a strip club, which was deemed detrimental to the membership (yes I know, it sounds like a cult); typically I would've argued til the cows came home, but at this point I had been in the seminar for 7 hours and just wanted to get home, besides I don't think anyone in the room would've agreed with me that the ownership of a strip club was NOT detrimental; sometimes the world just frustrates me. Needless to say, if I continue to be as open as I am about who I am there will be someone who will think it's detrimental to the membership and since I'm not planning on changing who I am....well.....a battle there will be, because one thing I won't do, is go down without proving a point a second time.

Jealousy, Monogamy, and Power

It's been a long time since I've made a post, I do have things I want to write about; I've been working on something to do with ethics and the role they play in poly and bdsm relationships, but have not had the time to get it down yet, I hope that I will do so soon. In the meantime I would like to share an essay on jealousy, monogamy, and power by Pepper. I came across this a few months ago but have only recently had the chance to read it. I do understand that it is quite long and appears to be technical, however it is a fantastic read that discusses how jealousy relates to monogamy and how it can negatively impact both monogamous and non-monogamous relationships. I hope you enjoy it, I did.

Needles and Staples

Saturday night I had my first introduction to sharp, pointy implements, namely needles and staples, neither of which I had ever seen firsthand. A number of my Emerald City friends very much enjoy poking people with sharp objects, typically eliciting an endorphin rush for both parties. I thought I knew what to expect from the numerous FetLife pictures I'd seen, but as I watched Lorelai weave needles in and out of people's skin, I questioned how I may react to the sensation.

As I've said before, I typically only bottom to feel the sensation, as I don't receive a buzz or a high from play and this I feel ethically responsible to do before I'm willing to play with someone the same fashion, but as I watched needles of varying gauges being woven into skin and out of skin I wondered if the sensation would be all I would receive this time. Needles seemed to garner a slightly more intense reaction than other types of play I'd experimented with and while my stomach wasn't doing flip flops; I was curious as to how I'd react. I figured a little self discovery would be a good way to start....so grabbing the stapler I punched a staple into my left forearm. A slight prick to be sure, but nothing more intense than a tattoo needle with a little bit of blood. When Lorelai was finished with her willing demo bottom, I told her to poke away.

As she readied my arm with alcohol, donned a fresh pair of latex gloves and massaged the soon to be pricked location, she checked in and instructed me to take a deep breath in and out and repeat. I didn't watch, but I could feel the needle getting closer to my arm with each exhale. As I relaxed she pounced....a slight prick was all I felt, the sensation was interesting and it took longer to feel the exiting prick than I would've expected, but once it was done, it was done. Nothing ground breaking, no endorphin rush, no blissed out feeling. Just a sensation that came and went. She ended up making a 3 needle button on my upper left arm, while Buffy stapled my right arm 6 or 7 times. You can feel the needles in your arm, as a button consists of needles deeper in the tissue underneath the previous needle in a circular pattern, but it was more pressure than anything and by no means painful. At one point Matisse, feigned applying pressure to the raised skin in the middle of the button, to which I said, "Be my guest." And she did. I later asked her how much pressure she applied and apparently she leaned into it pretty good, but again nothing. The blank expression on my face as she released the pressure, I think almost confused her as she walked away fanning her face....sadists enjoy pain resistant bottoms and that is apparently I.

To see if I could evoke a different sensation I spent some time slapping both the staples and the button, but all I could muster was some blood. After about half an hour or so, Lorelai removed the needles and Buffy the staples (I love that the body staple remover is very similar to a paper-based staple remover, gave me a good chuckle). As she was removing the needles, Lorelai asked if she could twist it during removal; consent was granted.....Now imagine if you will a needle threading through the skin of your arm and instead of being pulled straight out, said needle was bent upwards, twisted and dug into your tissue over the 15 seconds or so. Is that picture in your head? Good, that's what happened as my final needle was removed to the point where it had an acute angle at its mid-point. But again only a slight prick and blood.

Now I'm not trying to boast or make claims that I'm a heavy bottom, I just found it curious that all I encountered was a slight sensation when the prick actually occurred, which was very contrary to the woman to my left who when stuck with a single needle stared into Buffy's eyes and cooed in a soft tone, "Your eyes are shiny." Now that's a blissed out reaction to needle play.

Of course needle play wasn't the only thing that occurred during the post-HUMP party, there was of course bondage, flogging, single tails, and a lot of public sex, very different from your typical kink party and came primarily from the Burner population there. How long did it go on for one might ask....let's just say I'm glad that Saturday was the night we turned the clocks back this year.

Sir C Workshop

Just finished attending 2 workshops by Sir C, who is in Seattle from New York doing weekend workshops at the CSPC. If you're in Seattle tomorrow there's one more tomorrow called Basic Hojojutsu, he's a fantastic teacher and you should do your best to attend, and the best thing is, you don't have to be a CSPC member to attend. The second workshop was Sir C "Upping the Ante" and spent 2 hours demoing how to be mean, giving me many fantastic ideas, many of which had their "ante upped" due to all the kinky locals in attendance, they are a devious bunch, which is why I love making trips down here on a regular basis. One of the more interesting things I learned was that squirting water into someone's ear induces vomiting, something that wasn't demoed today, for obvious reasons, but would be very interesting to try at some point in the future. It's a medical technique to test brain dead to see if someone's alive or not. I also found out some very interesting ways to use pop rocks in conjunction with saran wrap and given that I know someone that loves to be saran wrapped, I'm excited to test it out in the near future. I came away with a lot more sadistic ideas (you can never have enough!) that I hope to employ soon and share with the blogging world, but I must run off to a Hump play party with some very kinky people here in town. I'm looking very forward to it as it'll be my first official Seattle private play party and I've convinced someone (it wasn't hard) to show me needle play, not on me necessarily but I've never seen it live (I have no idea why) and am looking forward to it.

Alexa Di Carlo Links

As a follow-up to what I said in my last post, here are some links to discussions, blogs and such surrounding the Alexa DiCarlo situation in case you're interested in reading about how a man (allegedly) ended up tricking people due to the anonymity allowed by technology. Regardless of whether or not these allegations are true, the 'real' Alexa Di Carlo was able to hide she/her/it real identity because she would never reveal herself in public.
Sexademic - Why the Alexa Di Carlo thing matters
Carlie Glickman - The Downfall of Alexa Di Carlo
Expose a Bro

Technology, Privacy, and Polyamory

At a talk by Christopher Ryan, author of Sex At Dawn, at the CSPC last night a question was asked regarding whether or not technology (Facebook was used as the example) could lead to a return to less private lives that we once led as hunter gatherers. If you haven't read the book.....quick, drop everything run to the store and buy it.....kidding, sort of....one of the ideas centers around how hunter gatherers operated in groups to survive. Each of these 100 or so member groups shared everything and for the most part interacted very minimally with individuals outside of their group and when I say they shared everything, I mean everything ....from child rearing, hunting, cooking, gathering, partners, etc. As a result, the amount of privacy each individual had was minimal at best and with everyone knowing everyone there were really no issues with people sleeping with other members of the group. Of course the book delves into much more detail than I am here, but a little background is necessary to understand the question at hand.

Ryan said that he hadn't considered the impact of technology on privacy and how that might relate to non-monogamy becoming more accepted or as a return to our evolutionary roots but he did mention anonymity, which got me thinking. While it's true technology can reduce the amount of privacy we have, it can also increase the level of anonymity as the individual behind the online persona has discretion as to the information released. I would think that this potential would serve to increase the level of privacy. Think about it.....if you believe someone is lying about who they are, would that not reduce the amount of information you would allow them to see? For most people I would think that it would. Without getting side tracked too much, think about how the Alexa DiCarlo's fake online persona is going to affect people looking for online sex advice (if you're not familiar with HIM, she/him/it was the author of the Real Princess Diaries; now suspended. Here's Mistress Matisse's take in her Control Tower column from January, another one from Carnal Nation and a third from the Sexademic). Now think about yourself...given the above information about an apparent sex worker who provided advice purporting to be an expert, would it change how private you were with the information? Probably.

Technology does serve to bring people with similar interests together, however the potential for anonymity will increase privacy. If you're able to meet someone in person that you've met online a bond can be established and a reduction in privacy can take hold. I think that technology's ability to bring people together can facilitate a reduction in privacy and could potentially lead to a return to a world were we know everything about everyone to an extent, but it cannot do it by itself. People are still people and that physical social interaction is a necessity for us to grow and thrive in this world....according to Sex at Dawn, why else would our brains be so large?

Solo Poly

Solo poly was one of the better classes that I attended at Folsom Street Fringe; it was taught by Allena Gabosch, the director of the Centre for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle and also someone I'm privileged to call my friend. Allena discussed her version of poly; solo poly. She defined it as poly in which you have no primary partner, don't live with any of your partners and are not looking for a primary partner aka the proverbial "ONE" that so many people spend their lives searching for. Each of her partners fits a specific need in her life and she in theirs.

While I entered the world of non-monogamy with a primary partner, the primary-secondary distinction no longer applies to me and I feel Allena's solo poly is much more applicable. My version of poly is very fluid; I'm open to changes in how I view it and how I approach relationships, currently I'm not looking for a primary partner or a single individual to spend the rest of my life with. Some may view that as a lonely life prospect, but I've never felt that my life will be defined by me getting married and having children; I'm not saying that I never will do those things I just don't feel they are necessary for me to live a fulfilling life.

Recently I've had discussions with people about individuals 'deciding' that they want to get married and have children. It seems that many people make this decision solo, find the first suitable candidate; marry and have kids with them....not because they are the 'one' or the right fit for them, but because they made a decision that's what they wanted to do at that point in their life; and we wonder why so many couples get divorced! I'd much rather meet someone and make a decision that 'this person is important to me and I want to be with them for the rest of my life and have children with them because of how special they are.' Don't fool yourself, this isn't how most marriages begin, no matter how much you want to believe it. I know that this can happen, as it happened with J and I, she was someone that I would've married and had children with (which I didn't want when the relationship began) if it was something we both decided we wanted, however it wasn't while we were together.

My relationship status is thus solo poly: I'm not looking for a primary partner, but am open to the idea; I'm not looking for someone to live with, but wouldn't say no if someone asked; I'm not looking to get married or have kids, but if the person was special enough who knows.....confusing I know, but life should be fluid and open to change; right now I'm just looking for partners to satisfy specific needs in my life and having a lot of fun doing so!

Strip Wii Bowling

For the past 6 weeks I've been dating a new girl, M. Until we met, she was a relative vanilla, but as she puts it, "I always knew there was something else." Needless to say there's been a lot of fun experimentation recently and she's one of the reasons that I've failed to keep up with my goal of posting 3 times a week (gotta love NRE). More on M at a later date.

The other night we were out for a drink at our favourite local watering hole and she made mention that she has been craving video game and was as self-proclaimed Wii bowling shark, which upon arriving at my place I decided to put to the test. On comes the Wii and out comes Wii bowling, after a 1 point win by yours truly in the first match, the ante was upped, "How about for each game, the loser takes off a piece of clothing?" Well of course my answer was a profound YES! Confident as I was, I knew I was undressed for the occasion, women and their layers! The first 2 games were won easily by me and off came the cardigan and her bra, I was eyeing that pesky t-shirt next. Instead out came M's inner shark aided by her ability to never let my wine glass get less than a quarter full. She won the next game and off came a sock......I now know that in a game of strip anything, rules must be established beforehand as M's belief was socks count as one item, so after some prompting my her off came the other one. The next game was hers, as well and off came my shirt, leaving me with only my jeans; serves me right for forgetting boxers that day. Not that I had a problem with losing, because losing would eventually lead to a win for both of us; it was the bragging rights I was after. With the wine kicking our libido into overdrive the next game was played with M facing away from the TV straddling me, which quickly ended our strip Wii bowling experiment....luckily for me as she still had 3 items of clothing adorning her body.

We figured the game had gone on too long; to speed it up next time I think for each 20 points you lose by you will have to remove an extra piece of clothing. Toss in another player or two and the game could really be spiced up; give it try I'm sure you'll agree!

Folsom Fringe

A kinky conference is like any other conference, you learn and network. Of course, networking takes on a different meaning in this context. I've always thought of a conference as something that allows you to advance your business connections and in the same vein a kink conference allows you to find new play partners, mentors, and friends....sounds very similar, doesn't it? I guess the networking isn't too different after all. Needless to say I met some amazing people and while I didn't play at the party on the Friday night, I did learn a lot and had some incredibly interesting conversations about kink and polyamory.

I found that the people that attended the conference were very much like me, they weren't just interested in the sensations derived from kink (well some were), but also how and why things are the way they are. It was refreshing to have intellectual conversations about poly and kink and how they related to each other in everyday lives, something that I always feel is lacking in my local scene. It's one of the reasons that I travel to Seattle on a regular basis, because the conversations that I can have there far exceed what I can have at home. While there are a couple of people in Vancouver that are interested in having these discussions the ability to have these discussions with people around the same age as me was fantastic. Especially since these are the people that I will be growing with in the world of kink. I may see them this year or in 5 years, but keeping in touch with them from time to time only serves to increase you network and talking only serves to drive my desire to learn and grow as the kinky person I am.

Sex at Dawn

I recently read Sex at Dawn, a book that studies the origins of human sexuality. Everyone that I’ve spoken with that’s read it has found it an amazing read and I’m no different. If you haven’t read it I highly recommend buying it as soon as you get the chance.

It contrasts the conventional relationship with human origins, discussing that we are not biologically monogamous, delving into our primate genealogy and physical make-up as evidence. What I like most about the book is that it doesn’t say, “Man must be non-monogamous,” instead it gives evidence for you to make up your own mind and question conventional wisdom. Too often in life we follow the beliefs that our pastors, teachers, and most of all parents believe in; instead of using them as a basis for our own, we treat them as fact. If you have an open mind, Sex at Dawn will allow you to see things a different way, even if you don’t agree with their conclusions. I think it’s applications can go beyond sexual history as humankind needs to question convention and not always just accept the status quo because it’s the easiest option.

Busy Life

Apparently I have not been able to maintain my goal of writing an entry at least 3 times per week, which is very unlike me. Typically if I set a goal I stick to it, for that I apologize. My only excuse is a busy life, which does not satisfy me.

What have I been busy with? Well as I write this I’m on an airplane on my way to Folsom Street Fringe, which will eventually lead to Folsom Street Fair on Sunday. Labour day weekend I was in Seattle for Paradise Unbound, where I attended a number of workshops. The highlight of which was Graydancer’s Tie Em Up and Fuck Em workshop, which detailed a simple yet effective (it’s effectiveness has been confirmed) rope handcuff that takes mere seconds to unleash. The motto is….secure the wrists…..wrap the body….control the hips; with only a slight miracle required. I must applaud Graydancer as it is an original invention, thank-you.

Back home, I’ve continued to attend M/s discussions, attended a Protocal dinner, a Sir/Boy leather contest in Seattle judged by Monk and a 7-hour rope intensive taught by Boss Bondage. Oh and of course my non-kinky life has continued! So needless to say I’ve been busy. I do hope to be able to get back on track with blogging as it helps me put my thoughts and ideas into print. I’m sure I’ll have some reflections from both Folsom Street Fringe and Fair in the upcoming days.

Polyamory does not equal polygamy

In this morning's Globe and Mail there's an article about a polyamory advocate who's looking for clarification as to whether the Canadian criminal code (section 293) that bans polygamy also extends to polyamorous relationships, read it here. Now without exploding over the fact that this is completely ridiculous (consent vs. non-consent) I'd rather examine how this could possibly be enforceable.

With polygamy it seems clear cut, there's an issue of consent that's breached. A man has multiple wives that act in a similar fashion to a harem and is based on a patriarchal system, whereby the woman's rights aren't always respected. While this sort of relationship can be completely consensual, the ones we always hear about are the ones that aren't; where a man controls his wives (a la the recent polygamy case in Bountiful, BC).

Polyamory on the other hand is usually consensual and may not even involve marriage. To the untrained observer polyamory could be nothing more than an individual dating more than one person, in most cases nothing's down on paper; so I can't see how (or why) this would be illegal. In the case of a marriage that is polyamorous and the couple are off with different partners, there may be something to enforce, however if neither of them is wishing to press charges and both of them are consenting to the situation, why would it be illegal? An added difficulty with polyamory is the definition of it, there is a general openness to the relationship, however in my experience almost every polyamorous relationship has it's own structure and it's rare to find one relationship that is the same as another one, given differing rules or lack there of. Due to the small amount of relationships that are polyamorous (and happily so, for the most part, they are relationships after all) I would fail to see the purpose of making it illegal, but then again I'm not a conservative political figure.

It poses a very interesting question and one that cannot be easily answered. I'm curious, however, as to why this polyamory advocate would bring the question into the legal realm unless there was a hint that it may fall under the same umbrella. This article also brought to my attention that there is a Canadian Polyamory Advocacy Association, which I was not formerly aware of; also apparently there are 0.5% of people across Canada that participate in polyamory, that's a lot more than I would've expected. If you're interested I'm sure you can follow the discussion their website, I know I'll be looking for updates there; as polyamory is not typically mainstream news.

Twitter

As a follow-up to my post last week, I've discovered that Twitter seems to be a way for people to discover that I'm kinky. I keep my blog and twitter separate, using my name on my twitter feed and not here, however I do not discriminate what I talk about or who I communicate with via twitter as I've found it's a great way to keep in touch with some of my kinky friends. However, as individuals (particularly women) are want to do, they google you and low and behold at the top of my google search is my twitter feed. Now it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out I'm kinky with tweets like:

"A guy I work w/just rec'd a taser as a gift from a vanilla girl he just started dating....methinks she's not as vanilla as she seems."
"Nothing like some crop spanking post-Gaga; if only these people knew how to use them properly!!"
"RT @twistedmonk: "nothing says love quite like when you spit expensive bourbon on my freshly made single tail marks..."

And of course if they search through people I follow, they'll come across some very prominent names in the kink community, further unveiling my kink. Maybe this is a good way for me to start letting people know I'm poly as well...

Being Upfront - Part 1

Note: I wrote on a similar subject about a month ago, this post is a more defined idea as to when poly and kink should be disclosed based on a recent experience.

Being poly and kinky, one of my beliefs is that if you're going to date, date ethically. By that I mean if you're out with someone that you believe has different views than yourself (aka monogamous and non-kinky) you must be honest with them as to your beliefs. It's true that there is a fine line here, in response to a friend's question Mistress Matisse said in a blog post that you should disclose you are sex worker to a potential partner on a second date. When single I've always felt similar about when to disclose that I am poly. Disclosing this on a first date has the potential to distort any first impressions that your date may have of you; I've found that once you bring up non-monogamy the conversation inevitably gets focused on that losing any chance to find out whether there's any compatibility between the two of you.

Recently, I had a couple of dates with a young woman, the first one went very well.....drinks, dinner, movie.....typical first date. We really hit it off and had some great conversation. The second date ended up being 2 nights at a lake with a few of my friends, where we ended up drinking and talking long into the night; she was one of the easiest people I've talked to and I think she felt the same way as we both discussed things that aren't typically discussed on a 2nd date and that takes each of us a while to disclose to a partner. Part of these conversations revolved around me being poly and kinky, both had to be explained in detail to her and she no experience with either; however she didn't run for the hills but asked questions and seemed genuinely interested in my kinky side (we all know we have one). Another of my personal rules is not to engage in sex without disclosing this information and allowing it to sink in, so I remained ethically in our drunken and naked states (we went skinning dipping). About a week after being back in the city, I received a text from her saying, "she didn't think that she could see us going anywhere relationship wise because we were too different, she thinks." Would it have been nice to see where it could've gone? Of course, but neither of us had our feelings hurt because we were both honest about who we were and I have a feeling we'll continue to be friends.

Now if you're partnered, that's a different story; in my opinion it's a first date discussion. At least that's how I approached it when J and I were together; yes there is compatibility to be determined but from an ethical perspective you're coupled and your date should be made aware of your coupling; yes your dating pool will be significantly reduced and your dates may not last very long (I prefer coffee or drinks as a get to know you first date to have this discussion) but at least you can feel good about yourself and won't leave a trail of pissed of dates in your wake.

I'm still working on the timing of when to bring up just how kinky I am, when I figure it out, you'll have Part II.

Exploratorium

Last week I was asked to run a restrictive bondage booth at the Libido Lounge's Friday night Exploratorium event. The event allows individuals to sample a selection of kink activities for a 15-minute duration, just enough for them to feel whether it's something that they may be interested in learning more about. This marked my first foray into teaching/demonstrating rope; and was the first time that I brought Blip along as my assistant, a job that she will continue to learn. As newbies, the attendees ran the show and based on a brief discussion with them I devised a quick way to introduce them to rope; for the most part these were very simple breast harnesses, with a couple of variations. While it was an interesting experience it's not the way I typically like to tie, with direction. I had an idea of how I wanted to run my booth, but after a discussion with the owner of Libido Lounge, I realized that what I wanted to do was too advanced (and mean) for the newbies who would be attending; thus I had to turn down my sadistic dial.

My success of the night was being able to change 2 people's minds about rope. They had both previously had bad rope experiences, but through negotiations I was able to determine what didn't work in the past and tailor my approach accordingly; afterwards they both said it'd definitely be something that they'd be willing to try again....woohoo!!

Blip was a good assistant, although sometimes got a little bit too caught up in all the play that was going on around her. One of the things that I've been working on with her is her focus, it's coming but she still has a ways to go. A couple of hours into the event, as a reward I allowed her the sampling of her choice and she choose mummification in saran wrap by one person and flogged by another...luckily I had a gap in attendees near the end of her flogging and had the opportunity to finish the scene. I can't wait until I'm able to put some time into practicing flogging and be able to use my full force, but until then short arming it will have to suffice. Then the issue will be finding someone who can take my full force, especially seeing as I'm not one that enjoys too much warm up....luckily there are a lot of masochists out there....

Contracts

Every month (well I started last month but will continue to attend - so really only 2 months so far....but I digress) I'm attending a Master/slave discussion group. I'm not looking for, nor do I have a slave, however as a Dominant many of the concepts are transferable to the Dominant/submissive relationship so I will continue to attend. Last night's topic was contracts - a written agreement between the Master and slave outlining what is expected of each in their relationship; they also typically outline how long the slave with serve the Master.

Contracts are not something I believe in. It's a static document and a relationship should be fluid no matter how it's structured. Furthermore, a good Master/Dominant should be able to train their slave/submissive in such a way that there is no need for a contract as all actions have been learned and none are open to one partner's interpretation. I think that a Master could very easily fall prey to relying on the contract too much and fail to see a change in the slave. This could very easily lead to relationship problems as open communication is not facilitated. Yes, methods of communication can be written into a contract, however there's still the chance that it's not deemed to be as open or free as a result of the contract's language. If you're living with your slave/submissive a cohabitation agreement is probably a good idea, especially if the Master looks after the financial side of the relationship as you'd want to make sure your slave was looked after if something happened, but this is very much different than a M/s contract.

Something else that you have to understand about contracts is that they will not stand up in court, as one person cannot legally give away their rights to another. If they verbally say that they no longer want to be a part of the relationship then they no longer are, whatever is written into a M/s contract carries no weight in the court room. The only weight it would carry would be based on the commitment that each party has to each other and you don't need a contract to create that commitment.

I feel that if you are able to remain in regular contact with you slave/submissive and you are an individual who has the ability to understand and notice changes in behaviour then you will be able to ensure that the relationship stays on the path that you both want it to be. This brings us back to this concept of communication; which is not only key to this type of relationship but any relationship. I think I'm a good communicator (or at least have been told that I am), but even so I've made sure to let any partner know that if I'm not communicating properly make me aware of it, so that I can make adjustments as none of us are infallible. Contracts are too rigid and can often be open to interpretation; me I prefer the direct approach.