Mr S

A picture of me is now the desktop for a pretty gay boy who works at Mr S Leather; or at least that's what he said he wanted my picture for. After he spent a good 45 minutes fondling my bits while fitting me for a cock and ball ring and attaching behind the back cuffs to my balls, he asked if he could take a picture of me from the chest up for his desktop. While at some point in my life I'm sure I'll have a sexual encounter with a man because I think any experience is worth trying, I consider myself 100% straight (if I were bi, I'm pretty sure our new friend would've followed us back to our hotel room). But since I made both his and A's day, it was worth it (she has a really big thing for pretty gay boys). A was so excited that when my hands were bound behind my back, she dropped to her knees and started giving me head in the dressing room, only to be interrupted by the employee and the owner of Mr S who came to see, "the pretty straight boy bound by his balls." Apparently that is a rarity at Mr S.

All told we spent about 5 hours at Mr S over the course of 2 days, I spent way too much money, but am bringing home some lovely new toys that I'm sure will leave some fantastic bruises on Blip....I'm only mildly sadistic. We also got to play dress-up with A, who spent the better part of 2 hours in Mrs S Leather getting decked out in leather and latex and did she ever look amazing. So much so that when we showed the pictures of her to our new friend, he showed the owner who said there may be an opportunity for her to come back and do some modelling for the Madame S website....I may have also been asked to have more pictures taken of me, which may or may not have been for their website.....

We also had some great food, did some sightseeing, and took in the SF Pride Parade (see pics below). The only stumbling point of the weekend was a flat tire as we tried to leave SF, maybe something was trying to tell us to stay longer, who knows?

Road Trip!!

I'm about to embark on another adventure. This one will take me south into the US; beginning tomorrow with a 3-hour private rope lesson with Max. I'm also going to be making a stop in San Francisco to do some kink related shopping and possibly take in the sights or their Pride parade this weekend. I'm not sure where else my trip will take me, but that's half the fun. I'm not sure when or if I'll be able to write for the next couple of weeks but I'll do my best.

On another note I spent almost 2 whole days with Blip this past weekend as her dominant, it was a very rewarding experience for both of us; but I realized how tiring it is to be dominant for an extended period of time....I was completely drained come Monday. It gives me a whole new respect for individuals in D/S relationships that are 24/7. I'm really enjoying exploring this avenue of my life and look forward to what it can bring me and how I can help Blip grow.

People in my life

Over the past couple of months, I've started to develop relationships with people both in and out of the kink community and I figured it'd be a good idea to recap those that I talk about the most as they are part of my growth as an individual both in and out of the kink community.

J - my ex-partner who I discovered poly and kink with. I still consider her my best friend and the one person that I can talk to about anything in the world. At the moment it's still difficult for both of us to spend time with each other as it usually ends in tears for one or both of us. But she's the woman that I will always envision my future with, even though my belief that there will ever be a chance for us again is gone.
Z - J's secondary while we were open. Just recently she told me that she is seeing him, while I know she didn't leave me for him I know he had an impact on our relationship, especially near the end; however all that matters to me is that she's happy.
A - My practice partner in Seattle. Our relationship is developing and neither of us have defined what it is or where it'll go but have put aside time and space to care for each other and see what happens. I'm off next week on a US road trip and she'll accompany me on part of it - from Sacramento (where she's spending the summer) to SF
Max - My bondage instructor and someone who I feel that I can learn a great deal from as I progress in the kink community. I see him as an informal mentor both in rope and in my kinky life, which is becoming more and more a part of my everyday life.
C - Was a vanilla girl I saw for a little while, we floated apart pretty quickly as I became more involved in the kink community and I realized it was something that she would never be interested in.
S - Another vanilla girl I dated for a while, she knew about my poly beliefs and kink lifestyle and still stuck around for a while, even though she saw rope bondage, "As something you'd do if you wanted to kidnap and kill someone." She knew that she wasn't the girl for me, but the short time we were together I left the impact on her life that I wanted to showing her that men can be decent and aren't always trying to get into her pants. We will continue to be friends, even though she doesn't want to hear about my kinky lifestyle.
Blip - My sub in my D/S relationship that recently began. Met her at a Vancouver play party, Rascal's, and I've been developing her as my submissive. It's a new experience for both of us and will be a very good learning experience.
H - A 19 year-old vanilla girl I've recently started dating. Only been out with her a couple of times and have yet to tell her about my poly/kinky beliefs but if she's still interested in me after I get back from my US road trip I will have the discussion with her, which I always find is an interesting conversation to have with people who are vanilla as it can bring out very intriguing reactions.

I think that's all for now. Enjoy the weekend!!

Another Membership

After attending their fire play class and Dungeon Party last night, today I became a member of the Libido Lounge. From an educational and sex positive perspective I think the Lounge is doing it right. Jennifer, the owner of Lounge, is a great educator and knows what she is talking about and I think that many of the classes that she offers will be valuable. However, I'm not sure how many of the Lounge's play parties I will attend, while I'm all for being sex positive, the Lounge offers masturbation parties, sensual massage and speed dating nights, and things of that ilk, which aren't really the sort of things that I'm looking for, however occasionally they host bondage and dungeon nights as well as classes that will be beneficial such as play party etiquette.

I really respected the fact that at the dungeon party they did not serve alcohol; which was one of the things that irked me about the Rascal's party I went to about a month ago, to me it's a safety thing. I did feel that there was a lack of suspension space, however I heard a rumour that a local carpenter is planning on putting up 3 suspension rings within the next month, which given the warehouse height ceilings in the Lounge should be a lot of fun.

Education

As I come to understand the Vancouver kink scene more and more, I notice things I think can be improved. As a result I'm beginning to inject myself into the community on a more regular basis; now I'm by no means an expert, far from it, but when I see the way things are run in Seattle compared to the ways things operate in Vancouver; there is a marked discrepancy.

For example, safe words. I've been talking to Blip (who I'm continuing to develop as a sub) and she said that at play parties they use the safe word "Red" to end a scene. In effect the top will continue to ramp up the intensity until the bottom says Red, at which point the top will end the scene and express their pleasure that the bottom was able to use the safe word and tell them when the scene should end. The way I've always understood safe words is to use them when the intensity becomes too much or something is feeling off, at which point the top changes the way they are doing things and the scene continues until they decide to end it. In my opinion, 1) a good top should be able to understand their bottom, 2) not allow the scene to get to the point of the bottom having to use their safe word and 3) the top should end the scene when they feel that their bottom has had enough. There also seems to be a debate about who controls a scene and it is the opinion of most that the bottom controls the scene, which given the use of safe words here makes sense.

There is also a fracture of groups in Vancouver. Metro Vancouver Kink, Rascal's, Libido Lounge and SinCity; each of which have their own play party night (typically one per month) and each operate differently. Libido Lounge seems to be the most organized and educational, however I will reserve my opinion until after this weekend as I'm attending a fire play class tonight and their member orientation tomorrow. I'm not attending their play party this evening as they have a dress code rule, which I'm pretty opposed to. If I'm going to dress up in fetish wear, I'm going to do it because I feel like it and not because it's dictated by event organizers. As you might guess, I don't see myself ever attending a SinCity party because...well...it's a fetish event.

So how am I going to inject myself and help the Vancouver community? Well I can assure you it's not going to be something that happens quickly, given my education level. While first, I'm going to try and spend more time in Seattle (thank-you Nexus pass) as the CSPC has some great classes and I've been lucky enough to meet some amazing people there I think I will be able to learn from. Secondly, at the suggestion of Max I have a plan to attend some kink conferences throughout the US over the next year or so. I'd love to be starting with Thunder in the Mountains in July, however I have a end of the year softball tournament that I've already committed to. So unless I decide to go camping for Paradise Unbound, my first conference will probably be Folsom Street Fringe in September; which I hope to volunteer for and attend. It will also allow me to go to the Folsom Street Fair, which should be a very cool experience.

So my eduction will be ongoing, but it's something that I seem to enjoy and that aligns with what makes me happy, giving myself to others and making a difference in their lives. I've really begun this with Blip and through getting to know her I know that I can help her grow and flourish as an individual and while it's a learning experience for me, I have some fantastic resources available to me, I just have to use and cultivate them.

Brain Drain

It's been a while since I posted, so I just wanted to say I'm still alive, but barely. I had an exam Monday night and have been recovering from some sort of cold or infection since returning from Seattle Sunday...my lymph nodes feel like they are the size of golf balls; this is only a short post as my brain does not want to cooperate right now, but I have some things that I've taken away from my time in Seattle and I feel the need to discuss them at least when my head behaves....

Newest CSPC Member....Me!!!

Today I joined the CSPC, so that I can attend events without having to be taken as a guest.....and for my first event I attended the Grind, a weekly Thursday evening event where all 3 rooms were in use. I got to see some beautiful dancing in the main play space; in the Raw space I saw the best flogging scene I've ever seen between 2 rock star tops Nathan and Russell, who are taking turns this week bottoming to each other with Russell going on Thursday and Nathan getting his retribution on Saturday, Nathan left with 5 bandaids and some lovely bruising; and in the Annex I saw A do her first public suspension and Mark Dv8 suspend Lani aka Fly Girl, who turned, spun, and flipped and was both gorgeous and unbelievable in her performance....strangely enough I thought that I good do some of the movements she did given my flexibility.

Seeing these people perform and scene makes me crave that in Vancouver...I feel like I want to learn and bring what I see in Seattle home. I need to practice my ties and flogging. If I get the right flogging equipment I can practice by myself, but I still need to find someone to practice rope with and i think I'm going to train Blip, a very subby girl I met at Rascals, how to be tied up...I know I can get her into a foggy headspace really quickly and maybe I can translate that into making her a rope slut, I know she likes suspension....so we'll see about the rest, hopefully it's only a matter of time. I'd love to get experienced enough to teach in Vancouver and show people what is available to them, because there is such a disparity between the Seattle and Vancouver Scenes.....

Class time

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Thoughts on marriage...

Last weekend I was at a friend's wedding and one of the 760 guests in attendance was the mother of a childhood friend. Now maybe I'm getting to that age or maybe it's because we were at a wedding or maybe both; but one of the first questions she asked me, "Are you engage? Are you married?" Her response to my answer of no was, "Oh...well that's ok, I'm sure there's someone out there for you." Which prompted a brief discussion on my beliefs on marriage, short because 1) she was an old family friend and 2) well we were at a wedding, so it wasn't exactly the proper venue.

While I don't really enjoy weddings (the receptions are always entertaining, but the ceremony's always bore me); I'm not against weddings per se. But in today's world, I don't feel it's necessary, especially in Canada. In Canada if you live with someone for longer than 6-months you are legally married...you can file joint tax returns, put your partner on your benefit plan, and if you separate everything is split 50-50.....so all the benefits, or drawbacks depending on your point of view, are conferred upon the couple. Now of course if both individuals truly want to get married then by all means spend 6 months and $50,000 organizing.....or better yet just elope....but I think that too many people get married because it's what is supposed to be done or for security or their parents want them to get married...in my opinion none of those are a good idea, which is the reason I don't feel that marriage is necessary.....and that time and money can be better utilized elsewhere.

One of the things that J and I had in common was our mutual aversion to marriage. Neither of enjoyed weddings nor really cared about getting married but thought there was a really good chance that we'd spend the rest of our lives together. The irony of this is that if we both believed in marriage there probably would've been a very good chance that we would've been married making our break-up that much more difficult, if that's even possible. I always said to her that if she ever changed her mind about getting married; I'd marry her....or I'd buy her a ring and we'd invite 20 of our closest friends over and get them drunk.

The number of people, let alone women, that share my belief are few and far between, even in the poly world, which can potentially make for an early end to any relationship that I may enter into in the future. Now would I be willing to change my belief and marry someone just because they wanted to get married? If they tried to guilt or pressure me into it; the answer would be an emphatic no. I'm not even sure if I'd ever get to the same place I was with J; she's unique in that she shared so many other beliefs that I have....poly, BDSM, large dogs instead of children, and our goal of building our dream house. Maybe if I found someone like that and she accepted me for who I am....then maybe I'd get married....but that's a big maybe.

Holding on

I came across an anonymous quote yesterday:

"I think part of the reason why we hold something so tight is that we fear something so great won't happen twice."

I think that this is so true. Life is a series events, relationships, and connections; but how often have you ever had one of them repeat itself? It happens rarely, if ever, so when you find something or someone amazing you never want to let that feeling go...so you hold it tighter hoping against hope to never lose it. Yesterday I was again overwhelmed by emotion while in savasana, only this time I was brought to tears; masked by the sweat of my just ended workout. The cause.....my apparent lack of connection with anything....the greatest connection I'll ever have seems to be slipping away and the more I try to hold on to it the more I lose it. I've always felt like I can find a solution for anything...but now that feeling is being replaced with a feeling that what I do, how I act doesn't matter...to anyone....so if you want to live for a greatness that doesn't matter; what's the point? What's the point of anything? I understand it's an incredibly lonely thought, which is why tears taint my cheeks. Tears of mourning for the loss of something so great that the thought of it never happening again fractures my heart and my soul. Trying to grapple with this is beginning to consume me, it's all I think about these days but no matter how much I think about it there's never an answer only a void.

Happy Birthday Sister!!

Today (or yesterday as it is after midnight) is my sister's birthday. A tribute to one of the most amazing people I know. I love her as much as anyone can love anyone and hope she has a fantastic birthday (I know I did my part). Here's to the amazing person you are!!! I'm so privileged to have you as a sister, you are one of most supportive people I know and I wish you all the best.

Happiness

"To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you're trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted."
Sophia Bush

I saw this local play last night called Conversations with Willie, which was centred around the main character, Richard's, dialogue with his penis. The play was about relationships and how they affect who you are. Richard and his wife were always looking for more attention from each other and needing to be validated by the other's apparently unconditional love. The play ended with Richard discovering that he has to be happy with himself before he can be happy in a relationship, a thought that has been very present in my head over the past few months.

There was a discussion after the play in which the host asked members of the audience for the aspects of the play, if any, that resonated with something in their life. I spoke about how me and another member of the audience had been talking about the same thing...being happy with yourself....during the intermission; he and I had never met before and neither of us had seen the play, however we had a discussion about internal happiness and how a relationship must compliment that happiness rather than try to be that happiness. If you look at the relationships around you, how many people seem to be in them because of convenience? A lot of these couples are in relationships to give them happiness, to not be alone, to be comfortable....instead of being happy with who they are first. When asked how my experiences with self-happiness was going; I stated that I was happy with the person I was but that I felt it was something that would always be evolving. We are not static individuals, rather are changing and growing and as long as we continue that growth individually, we can continue to compliment ourselves in our relationships.

After the show I reflected on what I said in order to try and reconcile a potential disparity between my happiness as a person and my lack of self-love. I have never loved myself nor have ever held myself in very high regard, and I don't think I ever will, yet I am happy with the person I am. How can this be true? I'm not yet 100% sure how, but it's something I've been thinking about a lot today and so far this is what I've come up with. If you remember one of the things I enjoy in life is making other people's lives better (Remaining Open)? Well that goal makes me happy, facilitating others' growth, which in turn feeds mine. I want people to move on from being around me thankful to have had me in their lives, that I have given them something that they otherwise wouldn't have discovered easily on their own. Whether I love myself or not, has nothing to do with this and I think that this love can be given to others, instead of being used internally. I'm only beginning to develop the concept that I can be happy with who I am, yet be depressed and/or not love myself; but I think I will continue to ponder this idea because I don't think the two concepts are contradictory. It's yet another avenue of self-discovery that I'm working on.....don't forget life is all about the process.

Mood

The last couple of weeks there's been a change in my mood. My temper seems to be getting shorter and shorter and at little things.....like someone not walking purposefully enough on the street; silly I know but it's something that gets to me on a daily basis. I'm not expressing this temper, rather I keep it inside as part of my inner monologue. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with this mood is there and I have no idea what I can do to change it. Yoga, which used to be able to calm my brain, is no longer having an effect. I used to be able to enter class with an active brain and leave with a clear mind but recently my brain activity subsides during clas but by the time I reach savasana my brain kicks into overdrive again and with more intense emotion than it started with; while in savasana in yesterday's class a feelings of sadness overcame me bringing me to brink of tears. I have no idea how to deal with this anger, sadness and loneliness....nothing I do seems to work. I feel at the mercy of my emotions, with my only option to wait and hope that the feeling passes, my concern rests with the question....what if it doesn't??

The Economist and Polyamory

A came across a great article called, "Love and Polyamory" that I wanted to share. I feel it does a pretty good job discussing the topic of being in an open relationship and I find it quite progressive of the Economist's Intelligent Life magazine to discuss the topic.

Inked...

I got my first tattoo yesterday, not because I wanted one but because I needed one. I used to hate tattoos. When J got her first one I was living in Saskatoon and she didn't tell me about it becuase she knew I wouldn't approve. She waited until she came to visit and I had her naked to show me and tell me about it...needless to say I was less inclined to have an issue with it with a gorgeous naked woman in front of me; I am afterall a man... It wasn't until 4-5 months ago that I seriously considered getting one, feeling a need to have it on my skin as a reminder.

I got it on the left side of my ribs, so that when my arm is hanging it's mostly covered and is mine and mine alone. I'm not going to go into detail about what the tattoo is or its meaning to me; as that is something for me and a lucky few to know...I feel it's more special, more mine in that way. Since the artist finished putting needle to skin I've felt a connenction to it not so much that the tattoo is there but more the meaning behind it. I don't feel so alone and when I think of it close to my heart, my hearts swells bringing tears to my eyes because of the memory it evokes. It's comforting to know it's there...clinging to me....embracing me. The memory of the needle's sting evoking images of my past.

When I first told J I was thinking of getting a tattoo, she told me that it'd become addictive and I'd want more, but now that I have it I don't think this will be the case. To me, having more than one would deminish this one's meaning and its importance to me is too great to ever let that happen. Maybe one day a feeling will come along and make me change my mind, but that feeling would have to be extremely powerful and I fail to see how anything could match the emotional attachment I will always have for my tattoo.

SEAF

It's already been a week and a half since I attended the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, better known as SEAF, wow how time flies. I had the chance to spend time with and meet some amazing people, look at some gorgeous artwork, watch the Cabinet of Curiousities show and see Monk do an impromtu rigging on a 4-poster metal bed, which was countered by a horrible rigging the following night by an apparently inexperienced rope top (if it wasn't above a bed, I'd would've been worried about the danger of her suspension work).

While all of the art was fantastic, ranging from paintings to metal beds (fantastic for suspension!!) to photographs from all walks of erotic life; I came very close to purchasing a painting of a woman in a japanese setting bound in a karada with her hands behind her back, but by the time I considered it my 2 favourite colours (purple and red) were already spoken for and I didn't love the other colours enough to spend $400, so I settled for a few photographs from the store. One of the more amazing (and strenuous) pieces of art was a collar that was held in place around the artist's neck by 6 hooks attached through the skin of her neck. The collar was maybe 18 inches in diameter and was made of what looked to be steel. And hanging on 12 inch cords were 24 weights holding it in place. What was really amazing was watching the artist spin around and around (as we all did when we were children) using the centrifugal force to pull the weights outwards and away from the collar. Nothing I'd wear but amazingly beautiful. I've been looking for a picture of it but alas cannot remember the artist's name. If I find one I will be sure to share it.

The Cabinet of Curiousities was a performance that pitted a young mailman against his button fetish; writing a letter to none other than Dan Savage (who also made a cameo appearance). Along his journey he received a cabinet from his late aunt that contained all sorts of erotic characters and fetishes, with performances ranging from belly dancing to puppeteering (mildy disturbing) to burlesque to rigging; that helped him be convinced that he was normal. And performances by Monk, Dirty Martini, Elizabeth Rose, Fuchsia FoXXX, Inga Ingenue (gorgeous woman and performance), Miss Indigo Blue, Paris Original (I never thought I would enjoy a gay man in a tutu so much), and Waxie Moon, along with a Stranger response from Mr. Savage helped him along his way. The show was performed both Friday and Saturday nights and was unbelieveable both times. If I had the words I'd describe the beauty of the performances I would but alas I am unable to do it justice.

I also had the luxury of spending some more time getting to know Max, L, and A and was introduced to another of Max's ladies S as well as nice, submissive woman who I'll call R. When the lights dimmed Friday and Saturday nights I had the opportunity to explore my dominant side as well as my knowledge of knots on more than one occasion. One of which led me to walk R around SEAF for 15 mins in a Hojojutsu tie, an old Japanese military bondage technique, with a convientently placed knot to make sure she didn't trip over her dress that elicited a lovely, little squeal each time the top of the rope was tugged upwards. As for the rest of it, you'll just have to use your imagination.

The weekend also allowed A and I to further develop our connection. If you recall A was my practice partner at Max's 2-day intensive and since that weekend we have been talking on a regular basis. We had made plans to meet up on Saturday, however her schedule ended up allowing her to meet me at SEAF for a couple of hours on Friday, so we got the chance to get to really know each other, this time with clothes on. I got to meet one of her partners, who I litterally handed her off to on Saturday night; he was volunteering at the event and they had plans for the evening, so we arranged to meet him at a specific time and I guided A there and delivered her to her partner, for lack of a better word, leaving me to go and entertain myself with R and L. At the time I thought it was something that I should feel awkward about (along with the us occasionally bumping into him and them making out) but I didn't. While she and I are just friends at this juncture, I had a feeling of happiness for her as I could tell that he made her happy and she was off to have a fun night. I had a similar feeling for J when I knew she was off having fun with Z, the feeling of compersion as opposed to jealousy. I think this feeling is integral to being able to succeed in polyamory because if you can't feel joy in your partner's happiness then what's the point?

After the weekend I felt a kinship with the people I spent time with, something I haven't felt with my friends in Vancouver for a long time. I felt like I could speak my mind and talk freely and openly about what was running through me head and that they'd understand and be able to offer their thoughts and opionions. Contrary to my local friends where I have to check myself before I speak or be prepared for a lack of return commentary or perplexed look. I've always had this with J, but this was different as I had that ability with friends, not just with my partner. It's a very welcome community in Seattle and I hope to try and get down there at least once a month, as I enjoy the feeling of freedom and excitement that the people there are able to give me and I think I them.

"What's That Mean?"

"(Bones pulls away from a kiss....pushing Booth away.....)
Bones: No, no,
Booth: Why......why?
You thought you're protecting me but you're the one that needs protecting
Protecting from what?
From me, I....I don't have your kind of open heart
Just give it a chance, that's all I'm asking
You said it yourself, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome
Well then let's go for a different outcome here, alright.....let's just....hear me out.....alright......you know when you talk to older couples......you know that have been in love for 30......40......50 years......alright...it's always the guy who says I knew.......I knew right from the beginning
Your evidence is anecdotal
I'm that guy, Bones I'm that guy I know
I.....I am not a gambler, I'm a scientist; I can't change, I don't know how.......I don't know how......(crying).....please don't look so sad
Alright....okay. You're right....you're right.....
Can we still work together?
(crying......nods head) Yeah.....
Thank-you
But I gotta move on; you know I gotta find someone who's going to love me.....in 30 year.....in 40.....in 50
I know......."

Watching the above scene brought tears to my eyes.....no matter where I go or what I do, I'll always find that in certain ways TV imitates life....I think that's the metric for good TV. Over the years, parts of certain TV shows have always made me feel an emotional connection in some way and the 100th episode of Bones was no different....a show that J and I began watching together over 5 years ago; in which 2 characters seemingly destined (if you believe in that sort of thing) to be together.....can't. Their personalities opposed in a way that cannot be changed.....you can't change who someone is. As I try to let go of J, I sometimes feel that our growth has taken us in opposite directions and that for us to be together again we would have to change; have to alter who were are; something that neither of us want of the other. I think the thing that impacted me the most about the scene was how Booth was looking for someone to love him years into the future, something that I always felt J and I would have....that each of us would be that person to love each other forever. My love for her will never wane....never cease.....but I wonder if we missed our chance.....if something were different....what if we didn't meet when we were both so young? And while I ponder this I know that what we gave each other has shaped who we are and I'm proud of the person she is today and would not want to take that away from her, no matter what our alternate reality may have been.

Exhausted

I've been meaning to write about my trip to Seattle last weekend where I attended SEAF and got to hang out with some amazing people, but my brain has not been very accommodating, so it'll have to wait until I can devote my full energy to writing about it. After fighting border traffic on Sunday to get back in time for my flag football game, I've spent the week helping a friend move, taking care of my father's cats, visiting the eye doctor, playing softball, watching hockey (I know not draining but when you're team keeps losing you reach a frustration level), and am off to a tattoo consultation today....toss work and a lack of sleep into the mix and I'm one burnt out blogger. And tonight I'm off to a burlesque show to watch a friend perform with her belly dancing troupe, which should be quite fun but will again contribute to my lack of sheep counting.

On the bright side, the lack of sleep has allowed me to get to know A a lot better, which in turn has allowed me to explore the dominant side of my personality. Last night I mentioned I was off to a tattoo consultant today and without thinking A wanted to know what, where, and its meaning in a demanding tone. Scolding her I shared with her the where and am withholding the other two. She called me sadistic for withholding that which she wanted to know; in a way I am (in more ways than this I might add)....it's fun to have someone want something so bad and have the power to give it to them or withhold it. It's an interesting power to wield and something I don't have too much experience with but it's something I'm definitely going to be exploring over the next couple of months.

Who you are....

Do you ever wonder how many people in the world know you? I don't mean who you are when you hang out with your friends or family, but the actual person inside, behind who you try to be around other people. This has been a common theme running through my head the last couple of months, who actually knows me....I have a really close core group of friends, but I feel less and less like I have things in common with them. They aren't the first people I'd turn to if I wanted to talk about something or if I were home alone and wanted to head out for a pint. Why is that....have I grown out of them? While I consider them my best friends, I don't feel like they have ever known me.

Someone said to me today, that if your friends aren't the people you want to spend all of your time with, then they aren't really your best friends. To an extent I'd agree with that, but I think of best friends as people you'd drop everything for, which is what I'd do for each of these individuals. However, I don't want to spend time with them because I feel like I've grown away from them and all of their conversations are superficial to me as they aren't interested in the same things I am. I think it's also a male thing; not a lot of men want to sit down and have a heart to heart to get to know each other....what's on the surface is usually fine. I don't want to hang out with them because they aren't interested in talking about things that interest me (amongst themselves they have similar interests with me being the outlier) and I feel they have nothing to offer me in terms of growth. Now maybe that's selfish, but if I'm going to converse with someone about something I'm passionate about, I'd like them to be able to offer some sort of counter argument or point of view that I can learn from....and they can't.

So it brings me back to my initial question....how many people in the world actually know you? Who knows your deepest secrets.....who would you tell everything to....who do you seek advice from.....I think I have one....one person in the whole world who knows and gets me and that one person is the one person, who as of a week ago, I can't communicate with. It's funny how life works....I wonder if there will ever be another person who will know me....I guess I have to hope that someone will; but it's really in my hands isn't it? If I find a person who's worthy, am I willing to let them know me? I'm not sure if I am....

Radio Silence

Since our break-up J and I have kept the lines of communication open. We both very much want the other person in our lives, however over the last couple of weeks I felt like I was the only one trying to maintain the friendship; so when we met up so I could deliver a care package to her (mail, Top Pot doughnuts, chips and vanilla from Mexico) and she said that I have to stop communicating with her because it was still too difficult, it wasn't that much of a surprise. Sure it hurts like a bitch because I know I want her in my life more than anyone and always will, but at least I now know why she has been ignoring some of my texts and emails.

It's only been 3 days and it's extremely hard to not share things with her. Walking around Seattle today, a city that she introduced me to, there were many things that last week I would've shared with her:
- My stop at Peter Miller's, the book I purchased, and the fact that they have either downsized the store or are renovating
- A new place I found that sells Alessi and Kartell products, where I bought my very own Anna G
- A dress I saw in a store window that I thought would look fantastic on her
- Black Keys, a group she introduced me to, playing at the bar I was having lunch at

I know for a while now she was reading my blog, but I'm guessing that since she is trying not to know what goes on with my life; she won't be reading it anymore.....however if you are know that all of the above made me smile because of you....