Got Rope? - Day 2

I arrived early for my sleep sac suspension demo and as I looked at the leather encasement on the ground, the first thing I thought was, "There's no way I'm fitting in that." Griffin held it open as I slipped my feet inside and lay down, Griffin and Max tried unsuccessfully to stretch the leather around my shoulders....which went on for about a minute before all realized that....as Lorelei put it, "I was just too manly to fit inside the sac." Luckily, they had a back-up individual in mind and once he showed up he was quickly encased and hoisted up by his shoulders and suspended about a foot off the ground. Hanging there Max described what to look for if someone happened to be hanging 20 feet above ground in such a sac (as he had done on one or two occasions).

As the demo ended and class began A settled into her seat next to me that I had set aside for her. Sitting next to her I could feel our connection from the day before, almost an electricity to it. We were lectured about partial suspension and how it can be more strenuous on the equipment because of the dynamic load, as the bottom could bounce or lift their feet off the ground to put more strain than just their body weight on the rope and suspension ring. We also learned how to untie someone safely from a suspended or partial suspended position....which body parts to release first and how to adjust the body position so that the bottom wouldn't fall over. We also learned how to provide more body support (more rope) and different ways to tie off the lines from the body to the ring.

We spent most of the morning practicing knots and before I knew it it was lunch time. I sat alone with A and we continued our discussion of our poly lives and how we got into rope bondage. It was interesting to hear about how she got into the BDSM world and came to working with Max. I told her how J and I had spent about a year and a half researching the poly lifestyle before actually entering the world so that we could be prepared as much as possible; however we both agreed that no matter how much you thought you knew every relationship is its own animal.

After lunch and practicing knots on our rope bags, it was time to practice partial suspension and were given 5 pictures of different partials to attempt. I went with a hog-tie partial as it allowed me to practice parallel lashing as well as a chest harness. As I began tying the harness, A turned to me and said, "I'm feeling a little tired today, so you're going to have to hurt me a little bit to wake me up.' Note taken!!! Off I went securely tying her hands behind her back with a little extra pull to provide her with her requested pain......After tying her feet I got into trouble trying to figure out a secure tie point to provide the proper arch. As I struggled with the tie I asked Griffin if he could provide some guidance, however no matter what he provided I couldn't seem to figure out how to finish off the bind properly...quickly getting out of my head and starting to stress.

With J one of my topping issues was losing control of the scene and allowing her and myself to fall out of our headspace. As my brain was racing I checked in with A and she said he hands were okay but she could tell they were going to lose feeling soon, at least my wrist tie was working....I attempted once more to complete the arch, but quickly realized it wasn't working. I untied her completely and held her from behind to make sure she was okay....retrenching that connection to let her know I was present, luckily we were both able to maintain our headspace and proceed, which was a great learning experience for me as it was something that I've always struggled with. As she relaxed I began another bind, tying her right ankle to right wrist to provide a side arch, looping that through the ring twice I pulled up lifting her torso and leg off the group, so that she was only supported by her left hip and leg. From almost falling out of our heads to a quick recovery I was elated, as Griffin checked on my handiwork it was deemed acceptable...untying A I checked in and provided some more comfort.....my turn.

A decided to do a simple tie and leave me lying on my left side, with my left leg in a frog-tie and my right leg suspended from the ring. We had to wait a while as all the instructors were busy so, I tested my mobility flipping myself to my front and rolled around, testing the integrity of the tie as well as the dynamic nature of the position...an incredible feeling with one leg supported, the other bound and the rest of your body free to support itself on from the ring. After Lorelei's approval we had a quick lecture and demo on 3 full suspension positions: facing the ground, the ceiling, and the side; learning how to properly attached a hip harness to our bottom for lower body support.

As A began rigging me for my suspension, she doubled up the chest harness for additional support and secured a hip harness around in preparation for a face down suspension. Once secured and checked, she put all of her body weight into the rope lifting her feet off the ground got me up halfway. On her second pull I looked over and saw her feet leave the ground, but I didn't budge...stifling a laugh....Griffin to the rescue again! The weight disparity and the friction created from the first hoist had left me stuck; with the two of them pulling I quickly popped into position.

Hanging suspended was an intense feeling; one and a half arm's lengths from the ground I hung there for about 10 minutes as A rigged my feet up to the ring into a lying down L shape. I'm not sure if I ever really got into the proper headspace but could feel the tightened ropes around my hips and chest, and especially in my lower abdominal region. I'm not sure if it was supposed to be as much of a workout as it was but my abs were fully flexed the whole time providing support to my back and upper body. I quickly transitioned to yoga breathing to maintain the feeling of calm and to ensure that my muscles remained relaxed. The constriction about my chest was lovely as the majority of my weight had shifted to the chest harness. Releasing me I could feel the blood rushing back to parts of my body that had been drained; A had checked in numerous times during my suspension and now that I had 2 feet on the floor she ensured I was doing ok, I was.

A and I negotiated a side suspension for her, but we had to move quickly as we were running out of practice time. Chest harness, with her arms free and a side hip harness as a lower secure point. I didn't have much of a problem hoisting her up into the air and as my ties got approval I checked in and supported her head with my arm, spinning her slightly allowing her to enjoy the weightlessness. She lay there suspended for a couple of minutes before Max called the class to order with the snap of a single tail. As I brought A down gently we embraced to check and I wrapped Monk's rope, returning it to its case.

As Max summarized the class he did a hair bondage demo on Lorelei hoisting her up by her hair through the ring so that she was on her tip-toes; really a wonderful pose and demo. After class I assisted with clean-up and was the last to receive my certificate of completion. As I was saying good-bye to Max he invited me to accompany him, A, Griffin, and Lorelei to dinner...an offer that I quickly accepted.

Dinner was a privilege; an honour to be permitted into their inner circle, something I couldn't have planned or hoped for. It was a wonderful experience to get to know all of them not only as instructors but also on a personal level....their poly lives, BDSM explorations and who they are as individuals outside of class.....a feeling that gave me a high the whole 3 hour drive home. This was a weekend that I wouldn't soon forget or replicate....however as I write this I'm back in Seattle for SEAF and oh what a night last night was; not a replication of the previous weekend, but the feeling of acceptance into a community I've longed for.....words cannot describe.

Apologizes...

I've been a bad blogger...I've been meaning to write Got Rope Day 2 all week, but have just been so busy with work and other things that I haven't had the chance to finish my story and today I'm off to Seattle again this time for the Seattle Erotic Art Festival, which I hope will be very fun and entertaining (I just wish I wasn't going alone again...I really enjoy looking at art, especially erotic art, with someone); so I'll have lots to catch up on when I return. Until then I'll leave you with what a sleep sac is. Here's a picture and description here; also I found this video of it being used, although for the class purposes its usage also involved being fully suspended while inside of it.

Got Rope? - Day 1

With the nervous anticipation of class killing me I got to the Center a little too early; pulling up I saw I wasn't the only one. 3 couples were huddled in their cars avoiding the chilly Seattle morning, my energy didn't afford me that luxury so off walking I went.

Heading through the entrance 10 minutes later, I noticed that not much had changed since I was there in October, a large open space with chairs facing one corner around a ring attached to a 'biner hung from hemp attached to another 'biner secured to a hard point in the ceiling. After registering and purchasing my 'biner kit I found a seat at the end of the 2nd row. As the 20 of us settled in, we made introductions; including me there were 4 singles and we were encouraged to take notice of each other to find a partner for the workshop. Front row there was a cute, curly haired girl (the only female single) who I made eye contact with giving her a little nod signaling she was going to be my partner, which was good because not 5 minutes later one of the other singles was politely declined when asking her to partner up.

Eventually we split up to practice the Karada body harness, with what was supposed to be a pre-knotted 30-ft piece of rope, but of course in trying to be smart, I spent part of the morning lecture undoing the knots in my 30-ft piece of rope....and then had to put them back in time for practice. After splitting up I think the first question my practice partner asked me was: Clothes on or off? Me being out of the rope game for a while figured that clothes should stay on at least until we developed a little comfort level.....the clothes didn't last long though......I found out my partner's name was A and we both identified as switchy, me with a tendency to top and her with a tendency to bottom; a great team. After another lecture we practiced the boola boola, taut line hitch, square knot...all building blocks needed for partial and full suspension. We had a little time to kill so I looked around and decided I'd tie her to a chair using the boola boola.
Me: Go sit in that chair.
A: No, please?
Me: Nope
A: Interesting. You can tell a lot by a person by the way they ask you to do something
I'd never thought of it like that but I guess you can; so my tendencies for instructions were purposefully dominant.

Then came lunch. A and I had a chance to chat and get to know one another, she said she was staying with a partner in town, as she was also from out of town and I talked about being poly and my interest and experience in rope. I also found out that she was being trained privately by Max on occasion and only began learning about top recently. Around this time Monk came back and dropped off his rope kit for me to use, which pleased both A and I, because we are both very familiar with Monk and his rope....amazingly A even bought, treated and dyed her own raw hemp that she was using, which I must admit was very impressive.

After lunch, everyone got naked, or nearly naked; everyone at least kept their underwear on, but pants, socks, shirts, and bras were discarded pretty much for the rest of the class. It's strange how non-sexual nudity becomes when you're focusing on tying someone up; no one's leering it's all about the process of rope.....amazing atmosphere. Parallel lashing and chest harness in prep for the hog-tie were up next.

I hog-tied A first. Chest harness with arms pinned behind her back....ankles bound via parallel lashing....finished with a taut line hitch to make the back arch until her gasp and restricted mobility made me tie it off.....I still only met her half a day ago and didn't want to be that mean.....yet. When she finished binding me, she didn't quite have the strength to get me into a great arch.....I'm 6'4"/215 and she's 5'5"/110 so it's understandable.....luckily for her (and unluckily for me) one Max's helpers, Griffin, was nearby to put his boot on my ass and give a yank and yes that provided quite the arch.....although I think I had a little bit more to go. By this point I had an audience, I guess we were one of the last group's to finish so Griffin was showing a couple of different ways how a smaller person could handle a bigger one in this position. During the exhibition, I felt a hand on my thigh and even though I wasn't entirely uncomfortable in the position it was unbelievably comforting. I knew it was A's making sure I knew she was present and checking in; it's amazing the kind of connection that can be developed over the course of 6 hours when you're tying someone up.

Near the end of the first day, Lorelei (Max's other assistant and one of his girl's) did an amazing head bondage scene with one of students.....all I can say is WOW. It was one of the most intense things I've ever experienced.....the whole room was hushed and it felt like a weight had fallen over us all. At one point someone came in the back door and left immediately (A later point out that the individual felt the energy and left because she wasn't a part of it). The whole scene only lasted 5-10 mins but to me it felt like it went on for 20-30 minutes. By the time it was over I was breathless; probably one of the most amazing feelings I've ever had....the power of it left me speechless, words cannot describe it.

As the first day came to an end and I was helping with some clean-up, A and I were talking and she asked to sit with me the next day to make sure that we could continue our connection; definitely a good idea as we were moving on to partial and full suspension. As I was one of the last to leave, Griffin came to me and asked if I'd be willing to volunteer, I accepted immediately; which impressed him because he hadn't told me what yet. Didn't really matter to me, I'm there to learn right.....he told me to show up earlier so they could get me put into a sleep sack.....luckily at the time I had no idea what that was.....I did on Day 2.....

Lessons

I'm off to Seattle for Max's 2-Day Intensive Rope Bondage Class for which I had a 275 foot rope order from Twistetmonk.com, which of course is stuck in Canadian Customs and has no chance of getting to me before I leave for class in about an hour. Luckily, J and Monk came to my rescue....after much prodding from J, I called the Abbey yesterday, leaving a message explaining the situation. An hour later I get a call with an apology and an offer from Monk himself to lend me his personal rope kit!!! Needless to say I accepted, thinking of where the rope's been, who it's bound, it's history. I feel like I should bring him a present or something...maybe a Top Pot doughnut? Just another reason I love this guy...Thanks Monk!! Now to fight the traffic....

Love

What is love? It's the most powerful of emotions that can be the best feeling in the world but also the worst. The worst was perfectly described in a post in the Philosophy of Non-Monogamy. A lot of the time I feel like this...that I hate love; it surprises you when you least expect and rips itself away when you feel it the strongest. If you've given a piece of yourself to someone, can you ever get it back? I don't think you can, that piece of you is theirs and will always be theirs, no matter what. It's a comfort thinking of it in this way, it means that particular love will always be there...will always be a part of you. And love can make you soar, it can make you do things that you never would've done and can make everything fall away so that all that's left is love. Why, then, isn't love enough? If it can fill you up and make everything else seem so trivial, then why not? Because at any moment it has the ability to destroy you. Love is like balancing the center of a teeter totter, where at any moment it can make you alive or destroy you. That's the trade-off to the most powerful of emotions: bliss or purgatory...you have no control over either and that's why I hate love and never want to love again....but the choice is not mine; it never was and never will be.

My Inner Sadist

I've been missing my inner sadist, and masochist for that matter. I've been reading some new blogs that have had to do with people exploring control....pain....BDSM....and they've brought back memories; making me miss what J and I used to do. The feeling of her teeth sinking into my flesh, so hard I know she couldn't bite much harder...neck, chest, ears, neck, shoulder...did I mention neck? My favourite spot. The exhilaration that you'd feel as incisors sank in and the marks that would be there the next day; I loved the marks, a lovely reminder of what transpired.....I've never thought about why it makes me feel so good; I'm not sure if it's something that needs to be understood, just enjoyed. And then there's spanking....I don't enjoy being spanked but holding someone down and spanking as they squirm under your every strike....hitting the sweet spot where the bottom of the cheek meets thigh.......the little gasps as skin connects with skin. I prefer skin-to-skin contact myself, but paddles and pervertibles are always fun. I remember buying a plastic covered metal spatula from Ikea...boy did that pack a punch; I bought it expressly due to the fact that it would be a fun pervertible.

I've found it difficult to find people interested in such activities in my city; I find you need to develop a certain level of trust with someone before you can spank them properly or tie them up. I'm probably looking in the wrong places or maybe I just have to see what I can bring out of people. As I continue to become comfortable with being single again, I'm sure I'll develop a feel for it...until then I'll have to settle for memories and the occasional Seattle trip for a bondage seminar...sooo looking forward to this weekend.

Poly: A Beginning Part 1

Last night I was out for drinks with a friend I hadn't seen since high school; so naturally we had a lot to catch up on....work, life, relationships....last year she got out of a 12-year relationship and since she said she has started to question monogamy but never thought that she could do it because she'd get too jealous. So as I shared the whys, whens and hows of my non-monogomous life I realized that I feel there really is a right and a wrong way to get into it.

Wrongs:
jump headfirst into it without evaluating how it's going to affect your existing relationship, doing it to fix something in your relationship, or as I read today in the Philosophy of Non-Monogamy getting pushed into it by one partner.

One right way:
While I'm no expert I definitely think J and I went about it logically. Our trip down the road of non-monogamy started at the annual Taboo sex show just over 2 years ago. We'd always attended these together and this year came across a book, the Threesome Handbook, which J bought for us. Reading it began the discussion of sleeping with others, first looking for a threesome partner, then a couple, and finally being open. We were aware of open relationships before but had never really discussed anything along those lines. A couple of months later, while I was in Vegas, I had an extended conversation with a stripper that felt like a connection; now it was with a stripper so it wasn't a true connection but it reminded me about what it was like to meet someone new and have that spark, or new relationship energy as its called by some; which brought further conversation between J and I.

You have to understand that at this point in our relationship we were having some issues, but we still felt like we were going to be together forever (or at least I did) and my Vegas experience made me wonder if we were missing out on something. We started dating when J was 19 and I was 24 and while we had had some life experiences prior to getting together we were really still new to many things and if we were going to be together forever, were we going to miss out on things? Of course!! So we decided to see if we could figure out a way to enjoy certain aspects of life and sexuality while maintaining what we had. So we began reading and researching.......a lot. A couple of books that really helped shape our beliefs were Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationship and The Ethical Slut. Blogs also helped, namely Mistress Matisse and Twisted Monk, which eventually enhanced our interest and experimentation in BDSM. We also started searching for play partners on AdultFriendFinder.

Over the next 6 months we developed an understanding and comfort level with non-monogamy. One day in particular sticks out....we were on a ferry on our way to J's mom's wedding and were sitting on the top deck with Opening Up reading through a checklist they had about what we were and weren't comfortable with (reminds me where we were for her mom's wedding and makes me sad, as they were building a cabin that was only recently finished; J and I had discussed going up there; something I just realized I will never be able to do). This helped form our initial guidelines for playing with others and eventually led to going on a couple of couple dates and playing with one couple. Unfortunately, after that life got in the way and we spent the next 8 months not really being active in any sort of activities outside of our own relationship. Not that we didn't want to, we just had too much on our plate at the time. I sometimes wonder where we'd be if we had continued to pursue it and make time for it then....would we be where we are now?

I think our step-by-step process really helped us develop a comfort level with non-monogamy; although I think we moved too slowly and never let any momentum we built up continue. I think our research and discussion really helped us become comfortable with it but our lack of experimentation stifled our progress as a couple. It took one of us taking that leap of faith to bring us to the next level.....which will be Part 2. I'm not sure yet how to discuss Part 2 as it was very emotional for me....I'm not saying I would do things differently if I had the chance to do them again, but I would've handled it differently. Nevertheless I need more time to organize my thoughts on this, once I do I'll finish our story.

Random Musings

I did some reading, watched a movie and listened to some podcasts while on business in Mexico and came across words that struck me:

Brutal simplicity
Art serving capitalism
Do not feed the creatives
Fail Harder
When was the last time you felt this passionate about anything
The people that are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do
Chin dripping peaches
Fear is a powerful depressant
Creativity can solve anything
Why would you not want to love as many people as you can?

On the plane, I was reading Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged while listening to Ludovico Einaudi's Primavera, which gave me an incredible sense of beauty. Individually these two works can make you soar, together they're indescribable. They gave me a sense that I'm supposed to be doing something different with my life; that my life should be more meaningful than what it currently is. Almost like some part of me is missing and is waiting to be discovered. Engrossed in these works I was overcome with emotion, feeling like my heart was going to burst. Occasionally when something beautiful strikes me I'll get this feeling knowing that I can't control or contain it. I don't know if others feel this way, but it's what makes me feel that I want to give this feeling to others; I know I have the potential to do so, I just know not the means. I equate it to how Ayn Rand describes love, also making me crave it all the more, she says that love has to be earned and that you have to be worthy of someone's love and until you earn it you cannot achieve it; it will only be found once earned. Do I feel this way about love? Yes, but also about my unrestrained emotion...like I have to earn the ability to give people this feeling that erupts within.

Away

I'll be away for a couple of days. I'm off to Mexico City for work and won't be returning until Thursday. My laptop will not be accompanying me on my trip as I've been told that Mexico City has some crime issues....so I will not be posting. For those of you who follow regularly I will be back writing at the end of the week. Have a great week and do something that you've never done before...challenge yourself!! It's fun and I can guarantee you won't regret it...and if you do, I'd love to hear about it. See you soon!

Comfort

No matter what happens, it's amazing how comfortable you can be with someone. I had coffee and watched some TV with J tonight and at times it felt like 6 months ago; which is both good and bad. Good because I love her company more than anyone I know and bad because when you become too comfortable with someone there's no mystery. Watching TV with butterflies in my stomach; I couldn't help thinking about all of the things I wanted to tell her....wishing that we were lying in bed with my arms wrapped around her, caressing her back and baring our souls; but at the same time knowing that it could never be like that, at least not now....maybe never again. At times I could sense that she felt this too, or at least a part of it. I know we're not in a place where we can share everything with each other....from what we did during the day....to who we've been out with....to what has gone on behind closed doors; we will ever again? I'm pretty sure right now neither of us would be able to handle the truth, but I hope we will again...I see it like baby steps, you have to crawl before you walk; walk before you can run; run before you sprint; I always want to skip to the sprint...but that's not often how life works......Life is all about the process.

The World of Social Media

I attended a social networking conference called F5 yesterday and while it was interesting and there were some good round table discussions, my purpose of going was to see the key-note speaker, Malcolm Gladwell. If you haven't heard of him he's written 4 books: Blink, Tipping Point, Outliers, and What the Dog Saw and also writes a regular column in the New Yorker. I find the most intriguing thing about the way he writes is that he always make you think; makes you look at the world around you and question something. Personally, I love playing the Devil's Advocate but I don't have anywhere near the talent Gladwell has. And as the key-note speaker at F5 he didn't disappoint.

Given that it was a social media conference, you'd assume that Gladwell would be speaking about the topic and you'd be right, however he talked about the cost of social media. His premise was that whenever we develop a new technology that has the potential to galvanize people we celebrate its benefits to the detriment of its costs. Inventions like the telegraph, telephone, radio and internet have taken away from our ability to interact with people on a personal level; where 50 years ago we used to have a close network of people that included our families and neighbourhood; today this network has been reduced to our family. And while twitter, facebook, and foursquare are great vehicles to get people talking they rarely turn those discussions into something that can make change.

His reasoning was that social media creates acquaintances, not friends.....creates weak ties, not strong ones...he used Obama as an example. 3 years ago no one would've given him any chance to become president, but because of his use of the internet for fundraising and getting his message out there, he propelled himself into the presidency like no other person in history; however a year after he became President he had one of the lowest approval ratings ever after his first year in office, why? Because the ties he created were weak ones that were easily broken.

Trust is such an integral part of the change, you have to trust the person you're working with and that trust can rarely be fostered at a distance, you have to know who that person is and know them in order to trust them. Think about it....if you really needed someone, how many people would stick by you? 4....5....6....maybe; and how many 'friends' on facebook do you have? Sure those 5, but probably 400-500 more. Social media gives you the ability to exercise your freedom of expression, without any of the consequences; however this sacrifices trust. It's incredibly hard to trust someone that you haven't met.

Gladwell wasn't advocating against social media, rather trying to point out its faults that are ignored due to its benefits and currently popularity. The social media platform can be used to begin revolutions....political, environmental, sexual, spiritual....however it alone cannot lead to them. Why do you think the Green Revolution in Iran failed? Social media brought people together because that group quickly fell apart because of weak ties, a lack of accountability, and trust Once a certain point is reached you have to go outside of the medium and actively get involved and not sacrifice the freedom of action for the freedom of expression as occurs so frequently.

The Art of Twisted Monk

I love this man......in a strictly platonic way, of course.....makes me want to practice, practice, practice.....enjoy

Twisted Monk at Art of Restraint 3/27 from Twisted Monk on Vimeo.

Nights

I've noticed recently that if I'm not out with someone all night, rather end up at home or alone by the time 10pm rolls around; I have a desire to drink. No, I don't consider myself an alcoholic, nor to I drink to excess on weekdays....occasionally it happens on weekends....but I have found myself drinking at least a bottle of wine (or equivalent) 5 nights a week. I am feeling better about J and I these days, as we've been talking as if friends (which I miss immensely), so I can't attribute it to that.....but I have been having problems sleeping if I haven't been drinking; which I don't think is all that good, but I think the fact that I'm aware of it is a step in the right direction and if I can make sure to be cognizant of this, hopefully I can adequately monitor it.

In other news, after the Spearhead concert (not John Mayer) the girl I took, I'll call her B, and I had a conversation that ended up getting into relationships. So I told her that I had been in an open relationship and her reaction was like none I've ever encountered....."My whole perspective of you has changed......" she said. She didn't give a reason as to why her perspective had changed, although we had only been out twice before so I'm not sure exactly how solidified her perspective of me could be. It may have had something to do with the fact that her and her ex, of 2 and a half years, had discussed getting into an open relationship because they had been having problems, which is absolutely the worst reason to get into one. In my opinion this would be called 'seeing other people' and not an open relationship, which occurs when 2 people love and cherish each other and see an open relationship as a way to enhance what they have and NOT to see if there's something better; at least that's the way J and I approached it after much research. In any event, I discussed how I entered into an open relationship and said while I believe in them that doesn't mean I exclude everything else; nevertheless she left quite quickly; however, over the next couple of days she continued to talk to me because I "intrigued her." In discussing this with a good friend, he said that women seem to overuse the word "intrigue" as a replacement for them being turned on, or in his words 'horny', in order to not seem slutty or too eager......I'd wondered why I'd been told this on a couple of occasions, not that I buy into his logic, but it's interesting to consider....I thought it was just because I'm very different than most people, but maybe I'm wrong, only time will tell.

Bar Discussions

You know you're out late when you're walking home and the late night pizza places have already closed. Last night was one of those night and as I was walking home I was thinking about a saying from an episode of How I Met Your Mother, "Nothing good ever happens after 2am..." But I've found recently that I get into some very interesting late night conversations with completely random people after 2am....mix a lot of liquor with a lack of sleep and you get reduced inhibitions and potentially entertaining conversations. I was at a friend's bar after it closed and between cleaning, organizing, and breaking glassware (we purposely shattered at least 6 empty beer and vodka bottles on the floor...because....well....the owner said he had janitors) I had an interesting conversation about blogs, bondage, hemp and polyamory with a girl that I just met who was the sister of one of the bartenders and consequently used to work at the bar.

I'm never quite sure how these conversations start, just that they do, and that I typically start them; usually they're short-lived as the other participant is scared of the topic, but not last night. I vaguely remember talking to...let's call her G......about Monk's blog and hemp. I told her about Max's classes and how I attended one in the fall and was off at the end of April to attend another. She said she thought a lot of people were allergic to hemp, which I'm actually not too sure about, but cited it's strength and smell as it advantages in bondage and mentioned that silk and bamboo rope is also quite lovely to play with. I commented that it's not always about sex, rather it can just be about the mental aspect of being bound, which she had heard from her friend that practiced bondage. She also knew about it as an art form and the beauty of knots, which I've found to be very rare for someone living in Vancouver. G said she'd always been curious but had never been bound herself (yes I know this is the time that I should've said...well if you ever want to try....but it was 4am and my brain wasn't working that fast as I was on 4 hrs of sleep being up til 5 the previous night as well; so that will be a story for another time.....). Her curiosity was demonstrated as the owner was locking the side doors with cable which she grabbed and began winding it around my neck then my wrist....didn't know what she was doing but message received.

I also talked about the relationship between Max, Monk, and Matisse and how I learned about open relationships; but before I could get too into the discussion, she pipes up, "So you're polyamorous?" Colour me shocked! A lot of people I've talked to about open relationships, know of it as just that...open relationships. Usually when I use the word poly I get blank looks and have to explain, so I've stopped using the term in public; but G knew before I even had the chance to get there. The poly discussion didn't get very far, as the night was winding down, but that someone knows and uses the word poly in Vancouver is worth mentioning.

G told me that she should take me to a Work-less party, which I had never heard of, but she said had outrageous costumes, puppy piles, and a spanking booth......however googling it showed it to be a Canadian political party that has a mandate for such things as reducing the working day from 40 to 32 hours. Thinking this can't be what she was talking about I click on a party promo link on the website to find out that this Canadian political party DOES put on such a party....doesn't really look like something that would be up my alley, but I'd go just to experience a Canadian political party throwing a party like this. At 5 we were finally kicked out of the bar agreeing to further the discussion at a later date.....if I can remember where she said she worked.....so sometimes interesting (and not always bad) things do happen after 2am....

Franti v Mayer

Last night I was at a concert headlined by John Mayer, who funnily enough doesn't have one song that I could name, so why did I go to? I went because of the special guest, Michael Franti and his band Spearhead, a group that J introduced me to during the first month of our relationship. If you haven't heard anything of their's before, check this out, Say Hey (I Love you) - not my favourite song of theirs, but right now it's their most well known:



I'd seen Spearhead twice before, both at intimate venues, which made me wary of going to see him at an 18,000 seat hockey arena. And both times I had seen him had also been with J and I had bought these tickets for her to go with me, but given our situation I figured that we probably weren't ready to get together for an event like that yet. I prefer smaller venues for live music as the atmosphere is always much better; however Franti's a different type of performer. I've never seen anyone in a venue that big get so involved with the crowd. Spearhead played for an hour and Franti spent maybe 20 minutes of that time on stage. The rest of the time he was running through the crowd giving high fives....skipping down the aisles....playing his guitar in the crowd....and for his last song he brought 40 people up on stage to sing and dance with him. If it were played in a smaller venue the energy he created would've blown the roof off the place. All I can say about his performance is unbelievable!!! I really felt bad for John Mayer, because I didn't think there was any way that he was going to be able to compete with Franti's performance....and of course he didn't. If you ever get the chance to see Spearhead in concert, whatever the venue, run don't walk....he's always fantastic!!

Solo Vacations

I have this theory about how when one partner goes on a vacation without the other it often leads to the end of their relationship. As I sit here writing this, it seems like such a silly concept; however over the course of my life I've had this happen to me on 4 different occasions, 3 of which would be what I would consider my most important relationships:

- My high school girlfriend from my senior year went away over Christmas for 10-days and within 2 days of coming back broke up with me to be with another guy
- Before J I was in a relationship for a year and my partner was away in Hong Kong for 3 weeks, while I spent 10 days in Hawaii for a wedding and within 2 days of us both being back in Vancouver I broke up with her to be with J, who herself at that time was in a casual relationship with her ex
- J was in Italy for a 6-week field school, although in this case it took 7-months for the relationship to come to an end but the feelings began to build during the field school, ultimately leading to our break-up; as the time alone allowed her to discover some things about herself;

When you're younger I think the explanation is easier, you have a long life ahead of you and a short attention span. However, as you grow more mature and your relationships become more significant, you'd think that this wouldn't hold true, but my history says that it does. In the case of J, I wonder if I jinxed our relationship because when she got into the field school I said it was going to lead to the end of our relationship, which at the time worried and upset her, but maybe my belief planted a seed of doubt her mind about us. I'll never know, but I wonder about it sometimes.

As I said the concept seems silly, especially since I know lots of people who take vacations without their partners and they stay together; but what if the length of the vacation has something to do with it. For instance, if you've been together for 6 years and one partner takes a 3-week vacation they'll be fine, but what about if that vacation was 7-weeks, would the same hold true? The separation of partners can lead to them forgetting what they enjoy about each other, it gives them time to think about themselves and evaluate where there are in life so that when they get back with their partner their mind is already on to the next thing. I don't believe in soul mates, maybe if I did I would say love conquers all and it doesn't matter where in the world you are you will always love your soul mate; but I think many people in the world are never satisfied; they'll always be on the lookout for the next best thing and when given the time to think about it, it's not what they have.

I think how vacations affect relationships would make for an interesting study and if I was an anthropologist instead of a CFO, I might undertake it.

Lack of Color

One of the great things about shuffling your iPod is coming across songs that you have that you haven't heard for a while. This morning one of these songs, A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie, really spoke to me. The words made me think of J and my break-up.....Enjoy....

Remaining Open....

When J are I were breaking up she said she didn't think I was going to continue believing in open relationships. I try not to speculate as to why she said that but I've been thinking about why being poly works for me. It's taken me a while to get used to being alone, I still don't enjoy it but I think I'm getting used to it (and better yet the drinking and smoking alone on weekdays has almost completely ceased....as I open a bottle of wine...whoops!). Due to my not liking being alone I've been out...a lot....and as a consequence I've met or gone on dates with a number of women in the past little while. With a couple of them, I've gotten to my belief in open relationships, however the conversations haven't really progressed farther than me telling them I believe in them and that I was in one with J.

Every time I bring it up (and I will continue to do so to make sure they know they aren't changing me....women are like that sometimes) there's always a look of apprehension and a quick subject change. It's made me think about why I'm hanging out with a particular girl. After watching the Secretary with Maggie Gyllenhall and James Spader the other night, S said,
"I don't think I'm the girl for you."
To which I replied, "Probably not but that doesn't mean we can't hang out; that's one of the reasons I believe in open relationships. I get something from you and can get other things I need from someone else."
That ended the conversation pretty fast....

The funny thing is the more people I meet the more I believe in open relationships. I try not to compare the women I meet to J, but it's tough when I remember the things that made us so right together. Comparatively, no one I've met has even half of the things in common that J and I do. I've been out with women who don't like dogs....don't like books....don't like quotes....like cats....aren't kinky....and the funny thing is when I tell them what I believe in, you can see the gears in their head turning thinking about how they're going to change me. Ending things before anything gets too far would be the easy thing to do, but the process is way too interesting.

I've realized something about my life; I enjoy making people's lives better. Everyone I meet I want to look back years from now and say they remember me and were glad that they met me. Not because I'm going to buy them things but because I'm going to open them up to a different view of the world. Will some fall for me and get hurt? Probably, but there's nothing that I can do to avoid that. I'm open and honest and will give them all of the information they need to make an informed decision about who I am and what I'm looking for and if they decide to see me a different way, I can't help that. But in situations where that happens I believe that they will still look back and know that I enhanced their life.

What happens if I fall for someone? Maybe I'm naive but I can't see that happening, not because I know my person is out there and not with me, but because I don't need constant someone to be happy. I've only just realized this; I can be happy knowing that I've benefited someone's life through who I am. The other night my sister said S was really pretty. I replied,
"Ya she is, but she really isn't the right girl for me, I can't see us ever being together."
My sister said that my comment gave her hope in men, in that a guy could meet a hot, sexy woman who's into him but still not want to be with her. She meant it in the context of her boyfriend, who's a DJ, and is constantly bombarding with women (some of whom my sister feels are more attractive than her) but that he's not tempted because of what he has, namely my sister. It took me a while to wrap my head around it, but now I understand, and when I did I realized that because of who I am, a guy who's not just looking to hook up and move on to the next fuck...that I can offer something that I know a lot of guys out there can't. And if I can restore a little faith in men and make women think differently, not just about men but about relationships in general, I think I can be happy in life....and remaining open is a big part of that.

Happy Birthday

Today is J's birthday, first one in 6 years that I won't have seen her on, let alone spent with her, and it leaves a void in my heart. I remember the first one we spent together; I had been dispatched to Saskatoon for work 2 weeks before and I made sure that the company paid for me to fly home the weekend of her birthday so that I could spend it with her. I'm the type of guy that goes overboard with presents (or at least that's what J always told me), I just always had so many ideas and didn't want to wait on something that I knew would be loved, enjoyed and cherished; life's short, why wait? Needless to say I'm at a bit of a loss today; 2 months ago I knew what I was going to get her and do for her birthday this year and knew she would've loved both; instead I had to go the way of a card and tickets to a couple of shows...great shows mind you....but not what I had in mind this year. And yes, we are trying to figure out how to be friends...is it hard? Of course it is...it's even harder seeing her only once or twice a week....but I don't think either one of us really wants the other to not be a part of their life....I know I don't.

J, whatever you're doing today; I hope you have a fantastic birthday...I'll be thinking of you.

What is a slut?

Last night as I was having dinner with a friend, S, I complimented her on being sexy; which she took very negatively. "Too many guys think I'm sexy," she said and that if she's perceived as sexy then she's seen as being a slut; men look at her in a different way and treat her accordingly. There always seems to be a lot said about women being slutty and it has a very negative connotation in most circles, but why? A slut is defined by dictionary.com as "A person, especially a woman, considered sexually promiscuous." But what about men? If I sleep with 50 women, should I not be considered a slut? Given the definition I'd be sexually promiscuous, so technically yes I should be a slut, but invariably we are not; rather we're seen as studly, virile people.

If a woman has slept with 50 or 5 people what is the difference? Should there be any? I don't think so. The only distinction I may make is that the woman who's been with 50 may be more sexually experienced that the one who's only slept with 5; but even that's inaccurate. I know some women who have been with only a few guys that are much more sexually experienced than ones that have been with many. How can that be possible? Because they've had the opportunity to develop their sexuality in a few longer term relationships and reach a level that someone who's had more casual encounters cannot reach.

For instance, if a woman enjoys vanilla sex 50 times with multiple partners, while the other enjoys BDSM with 5, who then is the slut? I know many guys who would have a problem making that distinction, they might even consider both of them sluts. In my view it's neither. Both are experiencing life in their own way and is that not the point of living? And even if someone perceives you as a slut, why should that be a bad thing?

Historically a good woman is seen as someone who stays home and looks after the family, leaving the man to do what he wants...just look at the TV show Mad Men set in the ad world of the 60s. But society has changed and this historical view is no longer the case, we've evolved to the point where a woman can do anything a man can; why then should she not enjoy the same perception that a man gets when it comes to her sexuality? I can't answer that, but I told S to enjoy being who she is and live life the way she wants to; who cares what someone thinks or says about you, being sexy should be a good thing. If you don't like the way someone's treating you, leave or tell them to fuck off. I know it takes a strong person to be able to have this faith in themselves, as we are constantly bombarded with trying to fall into a certain perception society has of us and until we can get out from under those shackles I fear that people will never be completely happy with who they are, instead looking to others for acceptance.

Given its negative connotations, I think the word slut shouldn't be used, at least not in the context that it is and certainly not as a derogatory remark. But alas, I think we are a long way off from that happening. I plan to do my part and educate as many as I can that the apparent power that this word has should not continue, hopefully you agree and do the same.

TV

I have many blog ideas ready to go that are completely unrelated to J and I, but seeing as today I wrote J an email regarding our condo, she's been on my mind for most of the night and this topic fits much better with my current mood; which I feel bad about as it was completely unfair to my date for Shutter Island tonight. (Quick movie review: I wasn't expecting much but it was a brilliant story and not at all as scary as the trailers made it out to be; I highly recommend it if you haven't already seen it). Poor girl kept asking if I was ok, what was wrong and how my hand was...apparently I hit something Friday night, no idea was it was but I woke up with my hand looking like this:



It's still bruised and swollen, but getting better I think....yes I'm a guy and sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

What was the point of this post again? Oh right, TV....there are some TV shows that J and I have watched religiously over the years and with the power of the PVR I'd saved our favourites since we broke up as we had planned to get together as friends and watch them. As it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon I watched one....Chuck. Now Chuck has this one character played by Adam Baldwin, Casey, who was in Firefly (TV series from Joss Whedon...ok I'm a little bit of a TV nerd) and he is fantastic....from his mannerisms to growls to delivery. This episode was no different; but it was the first time I'd watched this show without J. So when Casey delivered this one line at the end of the episode it gave me goosebumps as I could hear as clear as day J saying with a cute little smile on her lips, "I love Casey," which brought a smile to my face, while at the same time making me sad. It really is the little things like this that you don't think about until they happen and affect you like they do; strange how life works.

..Whiskey keeps me warmer than sunshine...

A couple of people I know made a video for a competition they've entered for Aveda Light products, if you're interested you can check out their video here. I don't do shameless plugs, but their video did bring a song to my attention that has a fantastic beat, the full version is below.

Aloe Blacc - I Need a Dollar



Maybe it's because I've been drinking a little bit too much lately, but I really like the line "...wine is good to me it helps me pass the time, and my good old buddy whiskey keeps me warmer than sunshine...." Anyways, enjoy the song.

In my head

There will always be someone in my head....since 9am this morning I had the following CarnalNation article up on my web browser waiting to be read. Just got around to reading it now and happened across the knowledge that J had read it a couple of hours a go; made me smile knowing that no matter what happens we will always have a connection. If you get the chance you should read the article, finally some good news out of the States regarding sexuality. Even gives me a little bit of hope that certain parts of the US may eventually come around and stop being so afraid of sexuality. Yes, yes I know this'll never happen, but a guy can hope, can't he?

Distracted

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
Dr. Seuss

It's funny the things yoga instructors say at the end of a yoga class, the Dr. Seuss quote is just one example. I just got back from one of the worst classes I've ever been to; not because the instructor was bad but because I was incredibly distracted. I didn't have anything in particular on my mind, everything frustrated me.....the kids in the yoga studio...the almost naked man in front of me...the gong the instructor kept hitting (ok so maybe it was a little bit about the instructor). At the beginning of class, it's always said to clear your mind and leave whatever ails you outside of the studio, but today I just couldn't do it because it wasn't anything in particular just a feeling I couldn't shake. Since my last conversation with J, today was the first day that I hadn't been on the go, I spent most of the day at home with my thoughts, which for me is never a good thing. However, I do feel I'm becoming more and more used to being alone; I still don't like it but it's becoming easier. And other than a drunken text message to J late Friday night and her Saturday afternoon reply, we haven't contacted each other, which is why I'm distracted. My life is missing my person.

I think the reason that the quote spoke to me is I've always tried to live my life as openly and honestly as I could. I wear my heart on my sleeve, which isn't always a good thing, but that's me. I've never cared about what others thought of me (and still don't); if they have a problem with the person I am then they can choose to not be around me. One of the reasons I've been updating my blog so regularly is because I'm not ready to be the person I am with new people as I don't think they could handle my openness and honesty. And as I no longer have J to share myself with I needed a vehicle for that part of me; so thank-you to those that read. I also want to be able to look at this quote in the future in case I forget who I am; I don't believe I'll forget that, but just in case the brilliant Dr. Seuss will make sure to remind me.

Another End

Last night J and I were supposed to get together and catch up. She was going to make tuna casserole and we were going to catch up on some of the TV shows we enjoy. I got home from work, expecting her to be there as she said she would the day before, and instead of the smells of cooking there was more emptiness than when I left that morning. Walking into the kitchen I noticed J's cacti were gone....into the bedroom the rest of her books and clothes were gone. The fact that she didn't say she was going to move the rest of her stuff and did made me think something was up. Calling her to ask if we were still hanging out; her hurried reaction was that she'd be back soon to talk, confirming my thoughts that something was indeed up.

About half an hour later she arrived and we sat down on our couch and she said, "I don't think we can be friends right now." Or something to that effect, my memory of what she said and the conversation that followed is a blur due to the emotions flowing through me. Physically I shook. Mentally I crashed. I do remember she said she thought I was waiting for her to come back to me, telling me that she made a mistake. I've had friends tell me that this will happen, but I know it won't. I know she's made up her mind and she's almost as stubborn as I am, so she won't go back on something this big; she'd never say she made a mistake. At least not to me.

I've completely regressed. Emotionally I'm back to where I was 4 weeks ago, when we first broke up and I lost my partner; now I've lost my best friend......the person I want to tell everything, who's advice I trust and who gets me. I'm not sure which one is worse. Her timing is ironic as in the past week I've begun to feel better emotionally. My friends tell me that she knew what she was doing and waited for just the right time to hurt me more....a normal girl may do so, but J is far from normal and knowing her as I do I know she would never do that. What's curious though is what changed between Thursday and Friday. She said she'd been thinking but on Thursday she was asking if she could come over earlier and begin cooking for us and on Friday we can't be friends? That's the thing that doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I don't have a right to this information, but I wonder what it is that she's not telling me. I know something must have happened to get her to that point, it'll be a mystery in my life I'm sure.

The state of our future friendship has been left up to her. I told her that when she wants to talk or see me to get in touch with me. I'll leave her alone. Hopefully, if she wants to be friends again I'll be in a place where I'll want to be friends with her too. My fear is that I won't. I'm leaving our contact up to her and knowing how bad she is at keeping in touch with some of her friends, I have this sinking feeling that we'll never be friends again.

On the bright side of yesterday's events, I know that there's not much else that can happen to bring me down any further.

Practice

One of my regrets in my relationship with J was that we didn't spend enough time playing with rope. After taking a class by Max in Seattle we discovered it's something that we both really enjoyed. While we were together I had a bit of a complex about playing with rope because I wasn't as confident in it as Z was, which made it hard for J to get into the correct headspace needed to really enjoy it with me. Of course, confidence is bred by practice and as we didn't practice much, my confidence didn't grow. Being in a poly relationship I hoped that I would have been able to find a secondary partner that would allow me to develop my skills that I could bring back to my primary partner. The problem with that is it takes a while to develop the comfort and trust with someone to let them tie you up and I unfortunately wasn't able to find that while J and I were together.

I still enjoy rope but have not moved on enough to find someone that I can practice with, I'm sure it'll come someday but in the meantime I've been trying to figure out how I can continue to grow this part of my life. Enter Max again. When we went to his class last October I was put on his email list, so the other day I received an email about a 2-Day Bondage Intensive class at the Center for Sex Positive Culture (CSPC) in Seattle. My first concern was my lack of a practice partner to attend with, I considered asking J but know that we're not at that point as friends/partners or whatever we'll end up as for it to be comfortable, so I emailed Max. In his reply he said that 1/3 to 1/2 arrive without a practice partner and small groups are formed for people to practice together so coming without a practice partner is not a problem at all. Hearing this I signed up. [When J and I were together we had discussed going to this class back in November, but due to the suspension aspect of it we were hesitant; but I figure that if I'm going to improve on my skills in this field of BDSM I may as well jump in head first.] I'd previously considered (and may still do so) getting private lessons with Max so a 2-Day class is a good start. I'm a little nervous about attending an event like this solo, luckily it's not for another month, so I have a while to turn my nervous excitement into excitement.

For the class I was required to buy another 275' of rope (thank-you Monk!), among other things....methinks a new rope drawer will be needed.

Delivery

Today I received a delivery of a couple of toys that I bought before J and I broke up; a 3-ft spreader bar and a hitachi magic wand. These were to be used in play with J, which will not be happening any time soon, if ever. So I'm on the fence....do I keep them or send them back? If I keep them, I'm sure that I'll find someone at some point that I will play with them with; but on the other hand will they remind me of J and bring up memories of what I wanted to do with her. It's a dilemma that I haven't fully worked through yet, but it's something that's been on my mind today.

What Women Want

I've been trying to get out and meet people, women mainly (a guy at the age of 30 trying to pick up a guy as a new friend, is just a little weird, no?), not because I want to meet people or get into a relationship with anyone but just to have someone to talk to....a warm body. Something I've noticed though is that in meeting women, they aren't really interested in who I am, I ask them a question and they'll talk and talk and talk. They don't seem to care or want to ask me anything and if they do they don't remember it when next we talk...in one ear and out the other. In one way that's good because I'm not in a place where I want to share myself with anyone nor discuss my past, but on the other hand I feel guilty because I feel like I'm using them. While I'm not lying to them, I am not disclosing the whole truth and I sometimes get the feeling that they're looking at me like, "hey, here's an attractive, successful guy, who knows where it could lead." I don't feel like I'm lying to them, because they don't ask; which makes me feel a little better. I know if they asked the question I wouldn't skirt the subject, instead tell them where I'm at (I might avoid the warm body comment however) and that my heart belongs to another and that I'd give anything to be able to hold her like I used to.

While I don't feel like I'm moving on, I don't feel like I'm cheating either. I think that's because J and I were in an open relationship and were allowed to date other people while together. I almost feel like we're apart but not really apart. Like we're just separated by a distance that seems much farther than it is. I know deep down that this isn't the case, but it's a feeling I occasionally have, like one day we're just going to fall back together. It is fleeting though...she's beginning to not return my, "I love yous," which in reality I probably shouldn't say anymore, because it hurts when she doesn't return it; but it almost hurts more not to say what's inside of me. I know she won't say it first and the occasional time she says those words bring a smile to my heart, even though I know she probably only says it to appease me.....wow that was a tangent; ok back on topic.....

Are most women like this and I've just been away from the single life for too long? Or have I just happened across women who are too into themselves or have too many drama issues? I don't know, I guess I will only find out in time. Being a good listener is not a bad thing and I just have to be prepared for the question when and if it comes because if I continue seeing the same people I'm sure it'll come up at some point, or will it? Maybe listening will help me figure out what exactly it is that women want; but probably not.

Puppy sitting

With J out of town for school, I spent the weekend looking after our dog. She's been with me in our condo doing the things we used to do before her and J moved out; go for walks, the park, running up down the hallway after thrown toys. But there's a change in her during the in between times. She used to stand and stare at me or lie on the floor, but now all she does is pace the room whining or go lie in her kennel. It's like she's upset with me. It's funny how pets can sense change and the moods of a house. Her actions have been very unnerving to me, so I didn't spend a lot of time home with her, which I feel a little bad about. Instead I was out til 430 Friday and 230 Saturday......my liver hates me.

On Friday it was a friend's birthday and after he drank too much and vanished (rather quickly I might add) I stopped at a night club and another friend and I shared a bottle of stoli. All in I figured I had 27 beverages.....Saturday was not a fun day for my head but for some reason while watching the hockey game with a couple of friends I was quickly 5 beer in and off to a lounge my friend runs, Lux. I walk in and there's 20 girls that I went to high school with (some even from elementary!) who were there for a bachelorette. One of the girls I had a crush on all throughout high school....first girl I ever asked out. I remember sitting in my basement calling her and asking her out in grade 8.....which led to another first, my first rejection. Last night she was very drunk and appeared overly interested in everything I had to say, which coupled with her newly enhanced breasts (I've been told she loves to show them off) I'm sure one thing could've led to another, but I was not about to be that guy that crashed a bachelorette party, so as they went off to their next venue I settled comfortably into a bar stool and had 7 vodka sodas....all doubles. Luckily this morning wasn't as rough as yesterday but I didn't accomplish anything that I wanted to this weekend....I guess that's what the week is for.

Beliefs

I've been doing a lot of yoga recently, started in January not as a New Year's Resolution (I don't believe in them) just as something new to experience. And in 2 months it's almost completely replaced the gym as my daily workout. The only thing that I can't buy into is the spiritual aspect of it. The belief that we are connected with each other and the earth through our energy, a mantra that gets touched on in some fashion by every yoga teacher I've had. I know I'll never buy into this believe, however, it did get me thinking about the history of my beliefs.

I've never had a lot of deep rooted beliefs, when I was growing up I didn't believe in religion, a higher power, love, marriage, children, charity, passion....or any other of the major beliefs that people seem to have. I chalk it up to growing up without a mom and with a father who, while was very caring, was also a workaholic; leaving me to effectively raise my sister (along with the help of various housekeepers). As I grew up I developed a belief of logic, morality (although this wavers from time to time) and love. Given recent events I've begun to question the few beliefs that I have and whether I can still believe in them. [Morality is always a gray area for me, what is moral to one person can easily be immoral to another....maybe it can't even be called a belief, a discussion for another time perhaps]

When I was growing up I never thought I'd find love, I always felt I'd end up alone (and in a way I wanted that). I think the feeling came from the fact my mom died when I was 7 and her mom died when she was 11; leaving me with the vision that men (namely my dad and grandfather) were meant to be alone. However, as my relationships developed I began to think that I could believe in love. The partner I had before J, was a sweet, loving, asian girl whom I loved but she was very much set on getting married, which I knew I could never buy into, swiftly ending our relationship. In J I found a love that was so special, so strong, so resilient that I was sure it would last forever; and in some ways I'm sure it will. But I think my belief in love is fading; the belief that love conquers all or love is all you need; to quote the Beattles. I'm falling back to where I was growing up, the feeling that I'm meant to be alone. That's not to say that I won't have relationships, won't connect with people, but I won't ever love the person I'm with; which logically will lead to me being alone. Now I'm not saying I don't have hope that my belief in love will return; it's that I don't want to let someone back into my heart like that.

And what about logic? Well as you can see I still believe in that...

Shaving Tips

If you've recently received a DUI and had your license revoked, what do you do? Shave your pubes while driving of course. According to CarnalNation that's exactly what Megan Barnes did. I can understand being late for a date and trying to do your make-up or hair en route....maybe a little tricky but it's done all the time. But taking a razor your pubic region while driving under a revoked license, that's a little much, not to mention potentially painful....has she never heard of razor burn?!?! Even if her attempted grooming were a success, I can't imagine that her date wouldn't know that it was a rushed job; there are some areas just unavailable for grooming while seated in the driver's seat. (If a lady out there can prove me wrong let me know, as I can only test the theory from a male's perspective.) I can understand why her ex-husband is no longer with her; but what is he doing in the car assisting her with her endeavor?

Reindeer Section

Reindeer Section - Your Sweet Voice



Listening to Gary Lightbody's Reindeer Section after JAG recommended it to me. This is one song that wasn't recommended but so far I think it's my favourite and really makes me think of and miss J....apparently I love to torture myself.

Filling the void

I've seen C a couple of times now and she's a really sweet girl, but I'm using her to fill a void in my life. She now knows that I'm recently out of a long term open relationship, however I have not (and don't plan to) get into any details other than that. I feel bad using her as I don't like to use people, but with her knowing a little bit about my past I tell myself that she knows what she's getting herself into; I just hope I'm right. The few times I've been with C I know it's just to have someone there to talk to....to listen to; but in doing so it only makes me miss J more. My mind constantly wandering to what she's doing, how her evening's going, what we'd be doing if she were with me right now. Does it make me a bad person to want someone around? I told J that I'm dating so soon not only to fill the void she's left but also to find something else in my life. The years we spent together I lived for us, for our future. That was my goal in life; everything I did was to advance our dream....a house we built together and 4-5 large dogs....now I'm struggling to find something....anything to live for. I know filling the void only lasts for a couple of hours, but it allows me to be in the moment and not grasping for something that's no longer there. It's felt like months since J and I broke up by it was only 2 weeks ago yesterday that she asked me to move back into our homey. In time I'll find something new to live for....a new goal....but until then I know that I will just be filling the gigantic void in my life.

Another First

I had a delayed family birthday celebration tonight at one of my oldest family friend's houses. The first time in 6 years that I have been alone for one of these. This family friend has been like a surrogate mother to me since my mom passed away when I was 7, she's the closest thing to a mom I had while growing up. Driving over, tears stained my face and my shirt as I tried to figure out how I was going to tell her that J and I broke up. The ability to control my emotions as I approached the driveway did little to stop the explosion of emotion that hit as soon as I entered the front door and said the words. She hugged me as a mother would, doing little to ease the anguish of my soul. I told her the abridged version of our break-up and she comforted me. I was able to contain myself as my family began to arrive and as people slowly trickled in the questions of where J was began, not being able to get into it with everyone around I said she couldn't make it; hoping that that would end the discussion and it did.

Eating Chinese food and watching the Oscars I periodically zoned out.....as people laughed and talked around me I felt like I was alone in the room; my brain took over wondering where and what J was doing....wishing she were with our family. I tried as much as I could to have her be a part of it, texting her some results of the Oscars, but it's never the same. I sometimes wonder if I'm drawing this out needlessly; am I making this harder on myself by trying to keep in touch with J as I do? I just don't to admit that our lives are no longer intertwined...I can't. I still care and love her too much. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger....I only hope that's true.

Moving Day #2

I spent yesterday helping J get furniture for her new place. We started with a queen box spring and mattress, which brought back memories of 5 years ago when J and I picked the king size bed that we spent our life together sleeping in. Lying in beds, testing their comfort I wondered if I'd ever get the chance to spend the night in this bed. Would we ever get back to that point? Neither one of us know what the future brings, but testing beds was fun, there wasn't any tension or stress bubbling under the surface. Bed shopping reminded my of how good we were together, without stress or tension. Just that we could be.

Next up was Ikea, the place we spent countless hours shopping, buying 95% of our furniture. I tried to give her space and let her come to me for advice, rather than following her every move, nevertheless an hour in, she looked at me at said, "I think this was a bad idea." Both of us were feeling the strain of memories....seeing the furniture that resides in our home scattered around the store. But we continued, knowing that this had to be done. No matter how much hurt it brought it was a necessary evil. Leaving 4 hours after we began, we went to J's apartment to build and unpack.

We mostly avoided the topic of us, instead focusing on the move and the week's plans. The only show of emotional strain was when we attempted to separate our sex toy drawer at home. The easy ones were the insertables, because...well...sanitation. When it came to rope, emotions took over and we had to stop with J in tears and me on the verge. I let her have our first piece a 15-ft 6mm piece of violet bought together at Seattle's Babeland, which began our love of rope. She also said she wanted the 30-ft 8mm piece of black rope, that was from my first order from Twisted Monk. She has more memories of it than I do, so I told her to take it. I think this was harder that anything else that we had to separate because of its intimacy. I remember each sex toy I bought and why...what my thinking was behind it....whether it was success or failure. And as I handed them to J, a little piece of me felt like it was being torn out; a memory never to be evoked again.

12 hours after we began, we were finished. With a new bed and dresser, J's place is closer to her home. She will always be my home. I will at peace, comfortable whenever I'm with her. Like everything is right in the world. I could be anywhere but as long as I was with her I would feel a sense of home. At the end of the day I asked her if she had changed her mind about shopping with me being a bad idea and she said she had...bringing a smile to my heart. While the day was indeed difficult I think it reminded us both of how we can be together, the love we still have. J needs to find single her....and I hope that she does. While I will never wait for her, I hope that we will be able to be together again because I know know woman better than her.

Empty Home

Last night was the first night that I was really home by myself all night since J left....first time grocery shopping.....first time doing the laundry....washing the bed sheets. Needless to say it was a tough night, especially when most of the clothes in the laundry were her tank tops left clean in the basket. How do I cope? A bottle of Chianti and a new playlist that I listened to all last night and am continuing to do so this morning:

Oh! - Micky Green
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
You Could be Happy - Snow Patrol
Make This go on Forever - Snow Patrol
Open Your Eyes - Snow Patrol
Chocolate - Snow Patrol
Run - Snow Patrol
Warning Sign - Coldplay
Hide and Seek - Imogen Heap
Reason Why - Rachael Yamagata
Mad World - Donnie Darko Soundtrack
So Here We Are - Bloc Party
To Be Alone with you - Sufjan Stevens
Family Tree - Dear Science
Falling Slowly - The Frames

I don't want our home to no longer smell like J, already walking into our 2nd bedroom that doubled as her study it smells musty like it hasn't been lived in. It lacks the sweet smell of Chloe that it once carried; how I miss its lingering scent in our home....miss the fragrance of her neck.....her smell. It's amazing what you miss when you have lost, things you never thought you'd miss or didn't even know were there. Every morning I wake up with sadness because I used to get a hug from J before I left for work, no matter what state of sleep she was in.....almost 5 years of unbroken morning hugs; that's hard to get over.

Tear the World Apart

A feeling of destruction has been building in me; the need to destroy something, a craving of pain, of blood. When I was younger I used to see how slowly I could draw a knife along my arm. I always found serated knives the most functional because you could feel each seration biting into the skin as it was drawn across skin. I remember once I was sitting in the corner of my TV room while two friends (who were into each other) were playing on the computer. A feeling of anguish that I couldn't handle overwhelmed me. I began lightly drawing a knife across my left arm, slowly building the pressure as the blade caught the skin. For half an hour this went on until blood was running in a thin line along my forearm. Whether it was a cry for help or not I don't know, but the scar still resides on my arm as a memory of the feeling. Yes, I am a masochist.

I've managed to hold back that urge for the last few weeks resorting to depressants and trying to put a hole through my elevator. I've always wondered what it would be like to put my hand through something, like a window or wood or even the feeling of my fist against some unsuspecting person's face, but for some reason I have been able to restrain myself. I crave the external physical pain because I can see it heal, while the internal anguish never seems to. Hopefully, this craving will wane, but I worry what it means if it does.

CellarDoor

"This famous linguist once said that of all the phrases in the English language, of all the endless combinations of words in all of history, that Cellar Door is the most beautiful. "

Watched a movie with the same girl I had drinks with last night and since I may see her again, let's call her C. Now other than being completely opposite of my type and that she talked during probably my favourite and most important movie; she's a very fun girl. Being with her finally made me see what J felt our relationship had been lacking, passion, and passion cannot be forced. Our sex life had become too routine, too forced. When she left me, it had become mechanical almost. I can understand why what she had with Z was and is so fun and exciting. It was what we once had, and tonight was the first time in a long time that I remembered what we had and how it happened.

I did what I always meant to do with J, control the situation, but with J I always fell short due to fear that it wasn't going to work. I forgot how to read her, forgot how to spend time understanding her moans and sighs....trying too hard to get to the act of sex and when something didn't work I got frustrated. Sex and foreplay is supposed to be fun, not serious, with breaks to talk or laugh or get a drink of water (as needed) I can now see, or at least begin to see where I was at fault and why we weren't clicking. I guess J knew what she was talking about.....why do I ever question?

As I grow alone I think my understanding of this will grow also, so that if there ever is a chance for J and I again, I will understand what she needs and wants and I will be able to give it to her or anyone else for that matter.

You Could be Happy by Snow Patrol



Thank-you to a reader who turned me on to this song. I'd never heard it before and I can now agree that a box of tissues is needed; definitely fits my mood of late.

Blog Future

About a week ago I said I may stop this blog, however I will rescind that. In light of what's happened between J and I; I don't think I will ever be able to open up to someone again...at least not in the foreseeable future. I have always enjoyed sharing my thoughts and emotions with someone and if I can't give that to any one individual I will give that here to the blogging world.

First Date?

In trying to move on slash not spend time at home thinking about J I went out for drinks with a girl I met Saturday night. She's taller than girls I would normally date, but she's also a former cruise ship dancer, so figuring she could be entertaining, so why not. Went to a place I'd never been to before BIN 941, nice little bar with a good selection of wines by the glass. I don't usually try a wine that I'm unfamiliar with, but I did tonight...why deviate? Well when there's a wine called Dirty Laundry how could you not? How was it? Surprisingly good, given its name.

So we're sitting there having some wine and getting to know each other when the couple at the table next to us starts going at it. I'm talking full-on, get a room make out session. It took less than 5 minutes for the whole bar, staff included, to be staring at them. giggling like school children. I love a little PDA now and then but c'mon people come up for some air!!! They never got the point and continued until we left.

So as she's telling me about her life, her dreams, and her past, I notice a song softly in the background....losing all focus of the conversation as I realize its Arcade Fire and Neighborhood #4, one of J's Italia songs. As my date continues talking I strain to hear the beat resonating, wanting nothing more than to reach into the pocket of my jacket and put the song on to remember. For the rest of the night I'm distracted.

As we leave and I walk her home, the song is still on my mind. Reaching her steps I kiss her good night, hoping for some sort of spark...a feeling that leaves me wanting more; a feeling I have every time I kiss J....but it doesn't come; it just makes me miss her more.

Finally listening to the song, I come to a stop and look to my left knowing that J is only 4 blocks away; wanting nothing more than to go to her, call her, hold her....but I can't. Even walking past her apartment would torture me...quickly I turn and head towards home.

Moving Day...

Today I spent 12 hours helping J move out of what was once our home....it'll always be our home, but now I'm living in it as a bachelor. While moving; things once forgotten are found bringing a rush of memories back to your consciousness. Tears were shed on both sides at least once every 45 minutes, sometimes lasting as long as the time in between. Me finding a bottle of olive oil we bought together in Nice a couple of years ago.......her lying in what was once our bed bought 2 months after we met......me separating cooking utensils that were purchased together over the years as J's love of cooking and baking grew and grew. During one of these emotional outbursts she says to me, "I know this isn't what either of us want, but I know it's what I need." I wanted to shout, "But what about what I need? What about what I want?" But she knows what I want and need and her decision has been made and I respect that.

The walk to her new apartment is only 15 minutes, but it seems like she's moved to another planet. I helped her set-up what was once our pull-out couch until she gets a proper one...hoping against hope that Z isn't going to spend the night with her tonight, but knowing how she has drawn strength from him during the past couple of weeks, I only see that continuing tonight and writing this now, brings tear to my eye.

I know why she left...she needs to experience life on her own; but that doesn't mean I will ever understand it. I will always want to give her the world and will never love another as I love her. But life moves on....I do not believe that our book is finished but we have entered a new chapter....and hopefully before our book is over; we will again find each other. But I also know that neither of us will wait for the other (as it should be) and the thought that I've lost her forever weighs on my deeply. But if we do ever find each other again, I know that we will be stronger than ever.

J will never know how much I love her because words cannot express how I feel. I will always be there for her and her family. J, I love you....

[I apologize for the recent string of melodramatic entries, but my life has thrown me a curve these last couple of week. I will say this however; the Olympics recently passed through my town and just because my life was (and is) in turmoil doesn't mean I didn't get a chance to partake in the festivities....stay tuned]

Bittersweet Gold

Watching Crosby slide the game winning goal underneath Ryan Miller's pad for the final gold medal of the Vancouver Olympics will be something I'll be able to tell friends and family for years to come. But as I sat there watching the Canadian team receive their medals tears of sadness welled up inside of me, drinking cold water was all I could do to prevent the tears from staining my cheeks. I realized that the one person who I wished I could be celebrating this victory with was celebrating it somewhere else with someone else. As I sat watching thousands of fans cheer for Canada all I could think about was J and how much I wished I could shared this moment with her; I'd give anything for that chance.

Home now listening to raucous cheering in the streets; the tears flow freely with a feeling of loneliness I never thought possible. Tomorrow I help her move out of what was once our home. Congratulations Canada.....bittersweet, indeed.

The End

Yesterday my 20s ended and today my 5 and a half year relationship with J ended. She was, is, and forever will be the love my my life and I hers, but she needs to be alone at this point in her life and I wish her all the best and hope that she finds what she's looking for. I truly hope we cross paths again in life because I know that she will always have a piece of my heart. I love you J and hope life treats you well.

This may also mean the end of my blog, as I'm not sure if my heart will be in it anymore. I'm not sure how many loyal readers are out there, but if you enjoy reading I thank-you and hope that in time I will find the will to write again.

Missing...

It's funny what you miss when you're not at home; living in a foreign bed and a foreign house. Especially when this was a time when I was supposed to be experiencing the Olympic spirit in my home town. As I write this I'm watching and listening to fireworks erupt at one of the Olympic venues and am reminded of a date long ago that led to so much joy in my life. Makes me long for the day and reminds me that I should be at that venue watching the sky light up. I imagine sitting outside bundled up in the cold with someone I'm in love with...with that same person wandering the city as alive as it is after a home town hockey win. It really is surprising what you miss when you're not home. You'd never think that things as routine as putting away the dishes....making salad.....feeding the dog.....watching TV.....would make you feel loss, but they do. It's an incredibly strange and foreign feeling, and one that I hope will end soon.

What Makes a Relationship Tick?

A friend of mine asked me the other day why I am in an open relationship and I said because 1) I believe everyone has the capacity to love more than one person, 2) that a friendship can be enhanced by the physical act of sex (and you can probably learn a thing or two to bring back to your primary relationship), and 3) that I don't believe you can get everything you need in life from just one person.

It was that last point that was the most contentious to him. He said, "Well then you just haven't me the right girl yet." To which I responded, "Yes, yes I have." But it got me thinking, is there something that is necessary in a relationship for it to work. Say for instance you have 100 things that makes the perfect relationship and you found someone who can give you 99 of those things. What 1 thing would it take for that relationship to not work? I had a friend end a relationship that was perfect, except for religion.....but what else? Trust, companionship, passion, lust, likes, dislikes, the ability to talk about nothing at all, social views, sports.....the list can go on and on.

The supposed beauty of an open relationship is that you can have most of the things you need and obtain the others from another partner. But even in that situation is there one thing that would make you want to be with your secondary partner more than your primary one?

So that's my question. What one thing do you need above all others in order for your relationship to work?

If you have an answer please leave it as a comment, I'd love to do a follow-up post discussing people's responses.

I walk into a place that once felt like home, standing in a place I see things that once brought me comfort.....remnants of a dinner I used to be a part of.........2 plates, neither of which is mine......a dog in her kennel, whom I can't bring myself even to look at.....an unmade bed, that I didn't have any part of.....The feeling overcomes me and I fall to the bedroom floor tears running down my face as my body is racked with sobs. Composing myself I head to the fridge for the reason I came. I make it to the front door bread pudding in hand, the feeling of loss, of emptiness erupts within me again. Slouching to the floor the tears come again. Five, ten, fifteen minutes...how long have I been here? Time no longer makes sense. Looking up at the bread pudding on the counter brings a pang of sadness, willing myself to my feet it goes back into the fridge as the thought of the night it was made makes the thought of eating it unbearable. Noticing the time makes me wonder how long I've been here, remembering my promise of space makes me vacate quickly. Standing on the sidewalk, the Olympic crowds milling about me as if I'm invisible. Not knowing where to go, what to do, I stand still as time passes. Olympic joy on people's faces brings stark contrast to the lack of feeling inside me. A coffee shop chair beckons and I sit. Time moves quickly...or slowly....and again I wonder how long have I been sitting...thinking that there must be something I'm supposed to be doing but nothing comes to mind, so I sit....waiting for what I do not know.

Your Person

While I don't believe in soul mates nor that there is one person that can satisfy every need a individual has; I do believe that each of us has a person. Someone who you want to share everything with....someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.......someone you will always love the most and they you.....someone who will no matter what, always have a piece of your heart. With 6 billion people in the world (and growing), most people will never find their person, but for those of us lucky enough to find theirs we count ourselves blessed.

Finding your person does not guarantee you happiness, however; the relationship still needs to be worked on. It doesn't come as naturally as you might think. While you know what you want in the future, the present may be a different story. And while your person is yours for life you might not be for you right now. And that's the dilemma. How do you live knowing who your person is but that maybe you can't be with them today. Because if you are together today, the future you want and envision may not be there for you later on in life; but if you're not together today, there's no guarantee you will be able to be together in the future.

I count myself as one of the blessed few, however this is my dilemma....I wonder if my person and I are right for each other now and if we're not will there ever be a chance for us again?

Music

Someone turned me on to this song the other day and I can't seem to stop listening to it.... Falling Slowly by the Frames, which won an Oscar for best song in 2008:



Sometimes I wonder why we listen to sad and depressing music when you're feeling that way. It just feeds the fire, but I guess we are all gluttons for punishment. 2 other songs I can't seem to stop listening to when I'm feeling that way is Run by Snow Patrol and Mad World from the Donnie Darko soundtrack.

A Mormon Adventure

I spent the last 3 days in Orem, Utah; heart of Mormon country. When I was in Vegas a couple of months ago I had a brief encounter with a Mormon girl; well since that trip I've remained in contact with her and went to visit her this past weekend. I now know more than I ever thought I would about Mormons. Once I catch up on a couple of things here in Vancouver I'll put a post together...hopefully tomorrow. Needless to say it's an experience I won't soon forget.

Meet Roxxxy

So last week I had a post about a robot sex doll, well now it's gone mainstream. Here's CNN's take on it. While Roxxxy's full release is months away, over 20,000 people have already inquired about her. And apparently she actually shudders to simulate orgasms; do you think she fakes them as well?